Difficult bridesmaid - need advice

mscramuzzo

I've been having several issues with one of my bridesmaids who I thought was a close friend of mine.

I have been allowing all 4 of my bridesmaids to be very involved with their dress picking. I took everyone's opinion into account when selecting dresses. The only thing I requested when they started to look is that they were long and black.

So this bridesmaid started out by ignoring my request and sending me short dresses and telling me that it's a June wedding and that it will be too hot for long dresses. I told her that I value her opinion but I want long dresses only because another BM has a big (kind of tacky) tattoo on her ankle I would like to keep hidden.

All the girls finally agreed on a dress that they all liked (and it is a similar style to my dress which is awesome!) I did a lot of leg work to find the most reasonable price for the dress. Sunday I sent an email to everyone asking them to purchase their dresses before the end of the month since it takes 12-14 weeks for the dress to come in and then they need time for alterations (I'm a planner and a worrier so I want everything done on my schedule).

My difficult bridesmaid emails the group back saying she found a price cheaper than my $135 option and it only takes a month to order and receive. It's from China from a company I've never heard of with a slightly sketchy website and poor reviews online. So I emailed everyone back and said that I'm doing my best to save everyone money where I can but this is definitely not an option. I tried to be as logical and unemotional as possible in this message.

Since then I have reached out via email and phone to see if she read my previous email and if she had any thoughts and I've gotten no response.

I think the issue for her is twofold: 1. she is a grad student with no job and therefore little month and 2. she wants to lose weight she has gained recently. I understand the issue and I'm willing to meet her halfway with any issues she has but she's non-responsive.

Is there anything else I can do in this situation? I'm willing to offer to help pay for part of the dress or even purchase the dress up front and have her pay me back a little bit every month before the wedding, but I need her to come back to me and acknowledge what happened.

Hopefully it will pass, but in the moment I am STRESSED!

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-bridesmaid-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ca04eb00-c95a-4e7b-9ece-210e10b2dc1fPost:97cbb03b-2bd6-4571-9ca3-e10249dd311d">Difficult bridesmaid - need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been having several issues with one of my bridesmaids who I thought was a close friend of mine. I have been allowing all 4 of my bridesmaids to be very involved with their dress picking. I took everyone's opinion into account when selecting dresses. The only thing I requested when they started to look is that they were long and black. So this bridesmaid started out by ignoring my request and sending me short dresses and telling me that it's a June wedding and that it will be too hot for long dresses. I told her that I value her opinion but I want long dresses only because another BM has a big (kind of tacky) tattoo on her ankle I would like to keep hidden. All the girls finally agreed on a dress that they all liked (and it is a similar style to my dress which is awesome!) I did a lot of leg work to find the most reasonable price for the dress. Sunday I sent an email to everyone asking them to purchase their dresses before the end of the month since it takes 12-14 weeks for the dress to come in and then they need time for alterations (I'm a planner and a worrier so I want everything done on my schedule). My difficult bridesmaid emails the group back saying she found a price cheaper than my $135 option and it only takes a month to order and receive. It's from China from a company I've never heard of with a slightly sketchy website and poor reviews online. So I emailed everyone back and said that I'm doing my best to save everyone money where I can but this is definitely not an option. I tried to be as logical and unemotional as possible in this message. Since then I have reached out via email and phone to see if she read my previous email and if she had any thoughts and I've gotten no response. I think the issue for her is twofold: 1. she is a grad student with no job and therefore little month and 2. she wants to lose weight she has gained recently. I understand the issue and I'm willing to meet her halfway with any issues she has but she's non-responsive. Is there anything else I can do in this situation? I'm willing to offer to help pay for part of the dress or even purchase the dress up front and have her pay me back a little bit every month before the wedding, but I need her to come back to me and acknowledge what happened. Hopefully it will pass, but in the moment I am STRESSED!
Posted by mscramuzzo[/QUOTE]

You're fine to want long dresses so I would stick with that.  Did you ever ask for budgets for each BM?  Even if that's the best price you found, it might still be out of her price range.  Regardless, my best advice is to let the girls pick any long black dress they want.  You could even specify a material if you wanted.  My girls were short black dresses and I let them pick out the style they each wanted and I love that the dresses they chose reflected each of them. 

Just a side note, I think it was pretty dumb of you to tell her that you were insisting on a long dress to cover the tattoo.  I was waiting to get to the part of your post where you said this BM told the BM with the tattoo about it and she got upset.  Because if that didn't happen yet, I can definitely see it happening.

bablingbrooke

I think you need to stop hassling her about where and when she orders it.  So long as she has it in time for the wedding, it shouldn't matter to you how long before the wedding she gets it.  I'm not defending her behaviour, but I do think you can meet her halfway on this.

I also don't see how it's relevant whether she buys it online or from your specific seller.  If it turns out to be the wrong dress, it's her problem.  But newsflash: Most of the clothing in the US, including probably everything you're wearing right now, was made in China.  Why that would give you pause doesn't make much sense to me.

Finally, your wedding isn't for six months.  She doesn't need to order now even if it does take 14 weeks to come in (a figure I personally question, to be honest with you--bridal shops have been known to lie to get you to buy TODAY).  So chill out on that end.

I agree with Beach--just let them pick out a long black dress from any company/website they want.  

I also think it's ridiculous that because one BM has a tattoo that no one will notice (and wont' make grandma faint) you're making everyone else wear long dresses when they don't want to.  I personally think you can be a bit more flexible on that end, especially given your reason (which by the way you will NOT find sympathy for on these boards).

lalap69

If you didn't get their budgets first, then you were in the wrong.  Even if it's the best price you could find, it may still be out of her budget.  You need to talk to her and apologize.

You shouldn't have said anything about your other bm's tattoo.  You could have just said "this is the look I want," which is well within your rights.

andekitten

 I have sympathy for you.  It's your wedding and you should be able to choose the dress you want and your friends should be okay with it.  Yes, it's nice when everyone gets to pick a dress they like but if that's not an option you're willing to give they should be okay with it.  I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding in May and I personally feel that whatever the bride wants me to wear is fine.  It's her day and by agreeing to be a part of it I agreed to do what I can to make this a great day.  It sounds like you tried to be considerate and get a feel for a dress everyone liked but you won't always please everyone.  As for ordering overseas I understand your concern, it may turn out okay but it also may be very bad, and with only a month lead time you might not be able to fix it.  If all the reviews you read were bad then I wouldn't chance it.  I've had friends who've done that and only a few were satisified with what they got.  If your friend is having an issue with price then I might offer to help out if you can, you do need to remember that while this day is very important she has other stuff in her life that is also important.  I would just keep trying to talk to her, without getting mad.  It's very frustrating when you want to talk to someone and they won't respond but sometimes people avoid having awkward talks.  Hope everything works out!

mscramuzzo

Just as a sidenote, I didn't say anything to any of my bridesmaids about the tattoo, that's just one of my reasons for wanting long dresses. It's her personal preference on her tatto.

courtney1188

I definitely wouldn't trust the website with the dresses! I've heard some horror stories regarding those websites that send out dresses which are of a very lower quality of material and construction than what was shown on the website! If you can afford it, I would offer to help with the cost of the dress and hopefully that will ease her concerns.

mikeynkrib2011

if i had to guess, it does sound like your friend is having money issues.  i had the same non-response situation with an out of town bridesmaid who eventually ended up having to decline being a BM with only four months till our wedding!  my advice is to email your friend again, being very empathetic to her money situation.  she's more likelly to respond that way. 

let her know that you understand things are tight for everyone financially, and gently probe to see if she can still afford it.  i did that with my friend and it opened a up a whole line of communication. 

just make sure you tell her how important she us.  my bridesmaid felt so guilty because she wanted nothing more than to be a part of the wedding, but she couldn't afford it!  imagine how crappy that must feel to say yes to being a BM, then realizing down the line you might go broke doing it?  chances are she feels in a tight spot and doesn't want to let you down.

there's no real way to tell how everything will turn out.  i say just be honest, tell her your concerns, and listen to what she has to say.  you guys should be able to work something out that makes you both happy.  if she is a close friend, this is small potatoes.  you should be able to navigate through this with flying colors!

my previous bridesmaid and i are still as close as ever.  good luck with everything!!!

p.s and disregard the passive aggressive comment so many people make on this website.  it's hard to 'tell' people what to wear, and even harder to have to 'tell' those same people you love 'when' to buy and 'how much' to spend.  You sound like a kind girl!

p.p.s  it does take quite a few months for bridesmaid dresses to come in.  i ordered mine on 10/2 and they are not scheduled to come in until 2/17.  so you do have a right to worry about the sketchy website...it could mean one girl doesn't have a dress at all!

hlq2011

I don't blame you for not wanting her to get the dress online; often those sites are cheap knockoffs rather than the real thing.  So I hear you on that.

But as PPs have said, you should have asked for budgets in advance, and if you didn't, and the dress costs more than she is comfortable paying, then you should offer to pay the difference.  It's only what's right. 

I also don't blame her for wanting to hold off on ordering a dress until she loses a little weight - alterations can increase the cost considerably, for starters, and the prospect of being in all those photos can make girls even more self-conscious than they would be otherwise.

Find out from the designer, not the bridal shop, what the drop-dead date for ordering is - a lot of designers have that information on their web sites.  Let her know that the dress absolutely has to be ordered by then, and let it drop. If she tells you she can't afford the dress through a reputable dealer, is there any way you can help her pay for it?

noycela

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.  It's your choice what dresses they wear, and $135 is well within the reasonable/normal amount they should expect to pay when accepting the role as a BM.  I would try not to be too uptight about when and where they order it from, but I would be nervous too about my BMs using a sketchy site.  Keep trying to reach out to her - she may just be trying to avoid what she thinks will be an awkward confrontation.    

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-bridesmaid-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ca04eb00-c95a-4e7b-9ece-210e10b2dc1fPost:97cbb03b-2bd6-4571-9ca3-e10249dd311d">Difficult bridesmaid - need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been having several issues with one of my bridesmaids who I thought was a close friend of mine. I have been allowing all 4 of my bridesmaids to be very involved with their dress picking. I took everyone's opinion into account when selecting dresses. The only thing I requested when they started to look is that they were long and black. So this bridesmaid started out by ignoring my request and sending me short dresses and telling me that it's a June wedding and that it will be too hot for long dresses. I told her that I value her opinion but I want long dresses only because another BM has a big (kind of tacky) tattoo on her ankle I would like to keep hidden. All the girls finally agreed on a dress that they all liked (and it is a similar style to my dress which is awesome!) I did a lot of leg work to find the most reasonable price for the dress. Sunday I sent an email to everyone asking them to purchase their dresses before the end of the month since it takes 12-14 weeks for the dress to come in and then they need time for alterations (<strong>I'm a planner and a worrier so I want everything done on my schedule</strong>). My difficult bridesmaid emails the group back saying she found a price cheaper than my $135 option and it only takes a month to order and receive. It's from China from a company I've never heard of with a slightly sketchy website and poor reviews online. So I emailed everyone back and said that I'm doing my best to save everyone money where I can but this is definitely not an option. I tried to be as logical and unemotional as possible in this message. Since then I have reached out via email and phone to see if she read my previous email and if she had any thoughts and I've gotten no response. I think the issue for her is twofold: 1. she is a grad student with no job and therefore little month and 2. she wants to lose weight she has gained recently. I understand the issue and I'm willing to meet her halfway with any issues she has but she's non-responsive. Is there anything else I can do in this situation? I'm willing to offer to help pay for part of the dress or even purchase the dress up front and have her pay me back a little bit every month before the wedding, but I need her to come back to me and acknowledge what happened. Hopefully it will pass, but in the moment I am STRESSED!
Posted by mscramuzzo[/QUOTE]
Then don't be surprised when other people act "difficult" because they aren't willing to fall in line with your schedule.  There's only so much you can control, and trying to take over the one responsibility the bridesmaids actually have--to get the dress in time--just because they're not doing it quickly enough for your liking is a good way to lose friends in a hurry.  No one likes a dictator.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-bridesmaid-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ca04eb00-c95a-4e7b-9ece-210e10b2dc1fPost:e611cd40-8899-4765-b040-1b77f6bde205">Re: Difficult bridesmaid - need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.  It's your choice what dresses they wear, and $135 is well within the reasonable/normal amount they should expect to pay when accepting the role as a BM.  I would try not to be too uptight about when and where they order it from, but I would be nervous too about my BMs using a sketchy site.  Keep trying to reach out to her - she may just be trying to avoid what she thinks will be an awkward confrontation.    
Posted by noycela[/QUOTE]

While many people may agree that $135 is "typical," it doesn't mean that its right.  And its very rude and zilla-ish of a bride to insist on a dress that is out of the BM's price range.  I HATE the excuse that BM's should know there is cost involved or they should have declined the request to be a BM.  I asked my BMs based on who I couldn't imagine not having by my side as I got married.  Not on who I thought would shell out the most money for a dress or throw the best parties.  My dresses were $135, but that price was cleared with everyone before they bought them. 

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-bridesmaid-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ca04eb00-c95a-4e7b-9ece-210e10b2dc1fPost:e611cd40-8899-4765-b040-1b77f6bde205">Re: Difficult bridesmaid - need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.  It's your choice what dresses they wear, and <strong>$135 is well within the reasonable/normal amount they should expect to pay when accepting the role as a BM</strong>.  I would try not to be too uptight about when and where they order it from, but I would be nervous too about my BMs using a sketchy site.  Keep trying to reach out to her - she may just be trying to avoid what she thinks will be an awkward confrontation.    
Posted by noycela[/QUOTE]
The problem is that what is an "appropriate" or "reasonable" amount is 100% subjective, and it's wrong to force that cost on someone who doesn't want to spend that much.  Never, ever assume another person's financials--you'll almost always be wrong.

KatyRoseM

I hope you discussed the price before hand, if you did then talk to her about why you don't trust the other store.  I will be in the minority here but don't feel bad that you want them to match, that unfortunately often comes with being a bm.

That being said, if you didn't talk to her about price before hand you really should try to offer her the difference from what she can pay to what you want her to.

vixey

I guess I'm in the minority in that I find it a little ridiculous to make the BMs wear long black dresses in June and part of the reasoning is that you want to cover up a tattoo on your BM that you don't like.  But that's neither here nor there.

I think if your "difficult" BM wants to try to save money by ordering the dress from a sketchy website, then that's her deal.  If it comes in and it's wrong, then she'll have to get a new one, but I don't think you can force her to order it from a certain website.

And you do have plenty of time to order dresses.  I'm also a student, and at this time of year finances are tight.  New loans don't come in until January, there's books to buy and rent to pay.  Buying a BM dress right now just might not be feasible for her.  Find out the absolute deadline to purchase, tell her that deadline, and it's up to her if she buys it by then or not.

jemmini6

My sister was recently married in April and she picked out a designer, fabric and length.  We each found dresses we liked, but I thought they were still pretty pricey.  2 of the 4 bridesmaids ordered their dresses from the bridal shop and the other 2 ordered them from one of those Chinese websites for much cheaper.  Look at the picture below, can you tell which two are real and which are knockoffs?  If not, then let your BM's order the dresses from wherever they want to, the quality of the actual construction might suffer, but as long as the dress looks the same in pictures, it shouldn't bother you.

oumarz

mikeynkrib - how did you handle your bridesmaid dropping out...I just had that done to me and my wedding is 3 months away.  She won't even fly in for the wedding because she can't afford it.  I had to go pick up the dress and luckily I got it from Nordstrom's so it's returnable.