Controlling mother

Whatsername3

Hi everyone, I've just recentally joined and my fiancé and I are starting to plan our wedding. But we've already run into a BIG problem, and that would be my mother. She has already been giving her opinions, telling us what we should and shouldn't do. I guess I don't mind her imput as long as my fiancé and I get a say in what happens. (yes her and my father are paying for the wedding, but they got to chose everything in their wedding).

The biggest issue I have with her is that she told us that both my sisters NEED to be bridesmaids, and that one of them needs to be my maid of honor (even though I'm closer to my bestfriend). Then she told us Mike (my fiance's best friend) absolutly cannot even attend our wedding (my fiancé wants him to be a groomsmen) two reasons;
1. Mike and my sister Jessica were dating (for only a couple days really, they broke up because they never saw eachother). So it would be weird, but Jessica doesn't even want to be a bridesmaid.
2. She just doesn't like him.
My fiancé and I don't think it's fair that we have to tell one of our good friends that he cant be in, or even attend, our wedding.

My fiancé is worried that she is going to try to controll the whole wedding. I think my mother is just trying to re-live her youth through my sisters and I. So I just want to know if she is being completly selfish for trying to controll who is in our wedding, or am I being selfish for wanting the wedding to go the way my fiancé and I want it.

bethsmiles

I would compromise on the sisters being bridesmaids issue and have them in the WP but stand you ground on who you want as your MOH. I would also stand your ground on inviting your FI's best friend. This day is not about who your mom likes or dislikes. She is being selfish and unreasonable.

If I were you I would decline her offer to pay and explain why. This is only the beginning. If she is this bad now, I wouldn't even want to think about how controlling she is going to be through the entire process.

stitchingchica

AMEN! STAND YOUR GROUND!

My best friend went through this- her mom and dad contributed $5000, and she couldn't afford to chip in more due to her fiance's significant medical debt. Her mom was super controlling and led her to tears multiple times (when she went dress shopping, her mom was so against her wanting to wear her hair down that she went around the store asking employees to side with her instead of the bride). Her mom insisted on a super-fancy menu even when she knew that was putting the couple over their budget, but still didn't contribute any extra money.

Draw the line on what money you'll accept, if its for the dress, for the reception, etc, and let her know that you're willing to give her "input" but she needs to understand that its YOUR wedding.

I think making you put your sisters in the wedding party is borderline, but everything else is totally inappropriate. Totally. She needs wedding planning therapy, and I'm not even kidding. I think you and your mom should meet with a pastor or mediator to figure out why she has to control it all.

SD3194

Ultimately, if she pays then she has the final word. If you don't like that then you should pay for your own wedding. Try to compromise with her as much as possible but if she's still being so demanding it might just be easier to refuse her help.

artbyallie

I'm sorry your mother is making demands but unfortunately when it's her money, it's her show. It sounds like the only way to make your own choices here is to pay your own way. Plenty of people pay for their weddings themselves these days, so just let her know you will be doing so and then she gets no say in the details.

melntaitt

I FEEL YOUR PAIN! I love my mother, I truly do, but it's something about the wedding that sets them off. My mother says she hates yellow and green together, and she thinks my cousins need to be in the wedding party, blah blah blah.

Right now, I've got her in the time out chair for two reasons:
1. We're both adults and she would never expect to treat anyone else how she's treating me right now and...

2. This is MY WEDDING! If she chooses to contribute, fine, if not costs will be cut somewhere else.

This is supposed to be a beautiful journey to the altar, not an episode of Survivor.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_controlling-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:caf28fd8-22fe-45d0-8000-5676e8a8cae5Post:d7571646-f615-442a-ab93-408c9b347485">Re: Controlling mother</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry your mother is making demands but unfortunately when it's her money, it's her show. It sounds like the only way to make your own choices here is to pay your own way. Plenty of people pay for their weddings themselves these days, so just let her know you will be doing so and then she gets no say in the details.
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

And sometimes...saying that you will be doing this is enough to reign in the craziness. 

It's hard.  When I got married 30+ years ago, I didn't plan anything.  My mother did it all, my parents paid for it, and the only thing that was remotely me was my BP and the band.  So, when my DD got engaged, it was immediately tempting to want for my daughter all the cool stuff that they have now that I didn't have.  I had to have a serious talk with myself on more than one occasion!  I just kept telling myself that I didn't want HER to have the same memory that I have...

gailpete

My H and I paid for most of our wedding 28 years ago and planned it ourselves, so I got most of that out of my system back then.  However, I did find myself thinking "this is how DD should do it" when DD got engaged.  I forced myself to reign myself in and offer suggestions or point out pictures of things I thought she might like, but not saying "this is how it must be because Dad and I are paying".

Try talking calmly to your mom about what you and Fi would like.  Be honest and tell her that if she is going to force things on you that you don't want because she is paying, then you and FI will decline their money and have the wedding you can afford.  Even if that means a JOP with a cake and punch reception. Hopefully that will snap her out of it and she'll let you plan your own wedding.  She certainly should notbe dictating the wedding party or your guest list.

britthall06

I'm with you on this one. My parents have graciously offered to pay for just about everything, it's something they've always said they would do..and I knew what I was getting into by accepting that. My mother would love for us to have a big fancy wedding but that's pretty much the opposite of what my fiance and I want. She says constantly that it's my day, then shuts down most of my ideas and opinions in favor of hers, and if I don't agree with them she acts all hurt or throws a tantrum. I've learned to pick my battles and my mom is learning to bite her tongue when I stand my ground on something. I threatened once that we could return everything she put deposits on, my fiance and I would foot the bill and it would be a very small potluck gathering with only immediate family..that's when she finally gave in a little to me. Like PP's said, usually just the threat will cause them to see the light. We're still having the laid back beach wedding we wanted but with about 150 guests total, way more than we wanted but if they want to pay for them then I don't have much to say about it. She's agreeing to more of a BBQ style buffet as long as I have a nice cocktail hour..it's all about compromise, because to me money shouldn't come with strings attached.

ADTonk

Since it is her money and she ultimately makes the final choice, the only suggestion that I have is to try to compromise with her.  Show her what you really want and give her a choice between that.  It might work, it might not.

As far as bridesmaids goes, you could try reasoning with her.  If you're equally close with your two sisters, tell her you can't choose between the two of them and you don't want to hurt feelings by picking one as MOH and not the other.

And ditto PP's.. stand your ground.  But if she won't budge, you'll need to either give in or pay up. Hopefully she comes around!

Whatsername3

Thanks for the support everyone! I'm gonna sit down with her today and talk to her.

Whatsername3

well I talked to my mother, Mike is now able to be in our wedding. Both My sisters, however, still need to be in the wedding. I guess everything worked out ok then. Thanks again everyone!