Question for any MOB or FMIL out there

lindenheart

I am a very self-reliant/indendent woman. I hardly ever ask for help or opinions and if something needs done, I dig my heels in and get it done. I don't like to bother people by asking for help. Then I got engaged.....I'm the first to get married in my family and FI is the baby of his family. To me, a wedding is no different than any other project, and I've been making plans without a lot of help from people. I make sure FI agrees with decisions I'm making as well as my mom (because she's paying for a large portion), but I don't bother everyone with what I consider to be insignificant details or pointless meetings. 

Well both MOB and FMIL are hurt because they don't feel included enough and are now starting to plan their own wedding-related shindigs to make up for this. FMIL is hosting a bridal shower and engagement party. MOB is co-hosting 2 showers, a massive rehearsal dinner bash, and a morning after brunch. While I am comepletely humbled by these parties, I hate being the center of attention and was really hoping to keep the whole getting married business low-key. What's done is done and they have already decided and have started planning these parties, but they continue to come up with new projects to take ownership of. For example, mom just said yesterday that she wants to supply a candy bar for the reception. I am so grateful but I feel like it isn't necessary.FMIL just told FI that she is considering having a cigar bar at the reception where she would supply the cigars and custom matchbooks (fyi - mob and fmil have not been informed of what the other is doing, so I don't think it's a case of one-ups). Again me=humbled&grateful but I just don't think all of this is necessary

Moms, any advice to curb the excitement a little? I feel like it's starting to get out of hand and we still have 6 months before the I dos

skippylouwho

You do not have to accept their offers of showers or brunches. Tell them thanks but no thanks.  They won't be happy but if you don't like it, don't want it, it makes you uncomfortable so that you won't enjoy your own wedding then tell them no and do it immediately.

BTW - I am a recent MOB and a soon-to-be MOG.

Muffin'sMom

MOB here.  Did you talk to them about your "vision" of the day before you started?  They may not know.  You can sit down with each one individually and talk to them about how wonderful it is to be loved this much, but that you are a little freaked at getting THAT much attention.  You may be able to make headway in that fashion.

As for the candy bar and cigars...I'd say go for it.  Your guests will love it, which is what those things are about anyway.

doeie04

Talk to them about how you feel. That is the best way to address things (pretty much anything in life.) and then go from there.

lindenheart

I know I need to probably say something, I just feel like I've already hurt their feelings and can't figure out a way to say it without hurting them again. I wasn't sure if this is just one of those times where you grin and bear it or should actually speak up. The last thing I want is to be selfish or ungrateful.

Dlreiter

Be happy that they are so super excited! Some of us aren't that lucky.

yoko2011

I'm not a FIL or a MOB but I think things like candy and cigar bars are fun and presuming no one is going into debt for it - let them. Sometimes it's trying to do something nice and fun and the guests will enjoy. In other cases it's a reflection of them - as silly as it sounds. IMO those are extras that don't make or break the day or vision.

As far as parties and such maybe see if you can have them consolidate or have your mom do 1 shower vs. 2 - both nice gestures on their part and they may not be aware of wanting to keep things low key because you don't want to be the center of attention vs low key not to put anyone out. Two different things.

MairePoppy

Take Muffin's Mom's advice. She's a smart lady. If you start that conversation with the moms by telling them you appreciate their generosity and are happy they are happy, I think it will go well.

The candy and cigar bars are not necessary, but they are nice extras for your guests. It would probably be a good idea to let each mom know what the other is doing so they won't go overboard.

redheadtmk

I agree with letting them do the candy bar and cigars. Niether of those things puts you in the spotlight, lets them feel like they are contributing, and your guests will love it.   I would talk to them about the showers, rehearsal dinner, and brunch. As someone who hates being center of attention but is not afraid to speak her mind, I would put an end to big bashes immediately. I would just let them know your vision and ask to be consulted on the guest lists.

jcamm11

If your Mom is paying for most of the wedding, it's sort of her party, so  no, you can't tell her she can't have a candy bar at the shindig she's hosting.

If you want to decline the showers and engagement parties, go ahead.  They will be hurt, but of course it is your decision.

The day after brunch is for the guests.  You don't have to go, but you don't get to say whether or not someone invites people to a brunch or not the day after your wedding.

sarah42nd

I am a DIL but this might open a can of worms down the road. Its a fine line to walk because if you allow them to much ' control' now then it will come back to haunt you later. For instance when you have children  . Are  the Gmas going to want to throw 4 showers for you and throw themselves a 'Grandma shower' ( yeah google it they actually have them )  and set up a nursery at there home without your knowledge. I think the candy bar and cigar are nice if thats the type of wedding your 'going for'.  Do you have favors selected already ? If not you can use the candy bar as your favor.  Same thing with the cigars you can use them as favors .

MairePoppy

Sarah- I know someone who had a grandma shower and a well furnished nursery in her home for her first grandchild. Her dil was not very pleased. That marriage didn't last 5 years.

sarah42nd

 Yeah I never heard of them until I came across it on a site like here. I was like wow . Really.  I wish I had a site like this and others I am on when I got with my FI 2 years ago . It would of saved us alot of trouble.

lindenheart

Sarah - I think you may understand a bit where I am coming from. It's a question of when do you accommodate and when do you put your foot down. And yes, we are having a photobooth where guests can take a strip of pictures home for the favor

To be honest I really don't care about the cigar bar and candy bar. I don't think they are necessary, but I don't think these would be "battles to pick"  On the other hand, they both keep coming up with new things to do - hey let's have a band for the first 2 hours of the reception.  (Yes I understand that if mom pays, mom decides, but right now mom is overbudget and is assuming that I will pick up the overage. THIS is a battle I picked as soon as I found out that was what she was thinking and we are currently working through it.)  Truly they both have great ideas, there isn't one idea I've hated, but when do you say enough is enough? I have no problem accommodating family, and I also have no problem standing up for myself. With the wedding, I feel like I have been very careful at balancing which decisions to "battle" and which to just let go.  I may have gotten overwhelmed when FI and I hung out with both in the same week. They shared all that they were doing and I think I got a little freaked out.

The parties that already have invites out, deposits on caterers and what not made, I will happily attend. The others I will ask if there is a way of combining. I think the next time I see them, which will be next week, I'll make a point to go over everything that is going to be at the reception and emphasize what has been paid for (aka we've already paid the DJ, there's no point in hiring a band). I'll also try to think of things that I would love their help that are coming up so they know that they are going to be involved throughout this planning process.

sarah42nd

I think you have a good plan for next week. Also maybe a good thing to do with your mom is write it all down on paper the budget with her money she has  given and then write out everything  she is using  that money on and  theres just not enough for everything she wants and no need for  2 forms of music, etc .   Just remember you can always say no . Well at least do it nicely .

Also get FI on board with  drawing the line. FOr instance if his mom brings up some  new thing she wants to do / buy he can just say 'Thanks for the offer but we already have it handled . ' You can do the same thing ( with your mom)  .

Just remember don't change what you want to accomadate what others want because they just change there minds down the road. Theres alot of ladies on my main board ( March 2011)who  are about to get married that changed dates or location or what not  to accomadate others and  then the people  RSVPed no after they said they would come no matter what .

lindenheart

Thanks for the advice Sarah!

Catwoman708

Well, if your mom is paying, she can kind of over ride your decisions to a certain extent. 

But you might just need to tell them thanks for the suggestion but you don't care for the idea.  Or suggest they save the candy bar idea for the engagement or shower, and the cigars for the bachelor party.

I've heard of it before, but WHO encourages guests to smoke anything, especially cigars. 

Added:  oh, to curb their enthusiasm, just be honest.  Explain you appreciate their desire to be included, but you are overwhelmed and stressed out with too much input and loss of control over your own wedding. so much so, it makes you want to scrap the whole idea of a wedding.  Imagine how disappointed they would be to not have a wedding at all to fuss over.

But use that threat with extreme caution, and only as a last resort you are prepared to carry out.