Keeping Mom involved? (kinda long, sorry)

azdancer8

My mom lives in a different state, and is feeling upset because she doesn't think she has gotten to be as involved as she wants to. She was with me when I chose my dress, and has given me her opinion (repeatedly) on many other aspects of the wedding. The only problem is, she keeps pressing the same issues, and they're ones I don't agree with her on. She never checks her e-mail or goes online, so I can't really share ideas with her visually or have her research them for me. And she has fibromyalgia, so she's kinda unreliable as far as actually completing things because she never knows how she'll feel.

 I know she and my dad are paying, and she has a say in things, but it is OUR wedding, not hers. I've been trying really hard not to get upset and stressed with feeling like I'm either disappointing her or giving in to her all the time.

Suggestions?

mkrupar

What are the things you're disagreeing on? That would help to give you some advice. If it's something small like favors, then comprimise, if it's something larger like dry vs. alcohol at the wedding, that requires a longer discussion.

Muffin'sMom

You have to decide what is worth drawing a line in the sand over.  My daughter didn't really have an opinion on the cake and the favors...so she cheerfully handed them over to me.  I was respectful of her vision, and it was a win win all around. 

Just a suggestion!

komornickc

I wish I could help you, I vented to my mom over my lunch break. I'm 10 days out, and now wish I could take that back, because suddenly, I have this feeling like I am going to get everything dumped on my lap.

azdancer8

Well the bridesmaid dresses were a big one - she wanted short and all different styles...I chose long and same style for all 3 girls, which I think disappointed her, but was what FI and I wanted.

And she's been fighting me on the type of food for the reception - which FMIL is taking care of (and ironically is what mom wanted anyways, go figure). So I'm not even sure why she keeps bringing it up. :P

Mostly I think its just that she (like me) tends to look at the things that are further away and focus on those. (I'm still finishing booking vendors.) So when we talk she's all caught up in minutia that I either haven't thought about yet or don't really want to think about yet, and it starts to freak me out. Gulp!

On a positive note - my sister called her yesterday and helped calm her down a little, and I mentioned to her how I feel like I have to follow her suggestions when she presents them the way she does. So I made a list of things she can help with or I want her opinion on. Then she can focus (hopefully) on the stuff I actually DO needor want her help with. 

kpwedkk

I had a similar situation with my mom, and ended up giving her the favor food dessert (Caribbean Rum cake) since we weren't having a cake to cut.

It is kind of tricky, though in your current situation, because your mom and dad are paying for your and your fiance's wedding, so she is obligated to have a say.

So the BM dresses, were already picked out. End of discussion. There's not any way to go back and change that.  If your mom wants, she can make a decision on what she's going to wear to your wedding.  That's an instance where she can have utter control on what she's going to wear.

The food, you aren't really having a say in it either, persay, because your FMIL is taking care of that.  If you want to open the can of worms, and ask your mom to lend an opinion to your FMIL, that might work out in her favor.  (It keeps you out of the loop)

I love your positive note.  Keeping a list of things to talk about, kind of like a status meeting helps, so that everyone knows where you are on the page, of a book!!

Hope that helps!

jpharis

My mom lived in a different state too, but it did not prevent her from being able to help. She did come to where I live1-2 times to go with me to different appointments, we talked alot over the phone so I could get her advice and email. I asked her to help with organizing family members plans and making sure they had information that was important, once I decided on invitations she got them printed up and mailed to me, she helped organize the program and get it printed some where for me. She created something for the cards that guests brought to be dropped in, etc. So there is alot your mom could help with out of state as well.

jpharis

But you will disagree with each other as well. My mom and I disagreed but you will have to decide what aspects of the wedding to pick her brain about and involve her in and which not to. It is a fine line, but I am sure you will handle it well, think of the things that you don't have a strong opinion about and consider letting her do those things as long as you know she will do them in accordance to what you and FI would like.

marissa_claire

Just ask her for ideas - make it clear not to fall in love with anything, but I can't tell you how much time I've spent on the Internet and at craft stores scouting for ideas for favors, decorations, guest books, hair styles, dresses and BM dresses, you name it.  I understand you won't have the same tastes, but that being said, plenty of things are easy to tweak.  Note:  this is only for not control-freak brides.

gracenamwandi

I had a lot of arguments with my mum during the wedding planning. . You should let her know how you feel. You'll be glad you did. I wrote an article on it in my blog in case you would like to hear my full opinion