peace

peaceistheway

marissa_claire

I don't want to be the one who doesn't feel bad for you, but it tends to be that when a bride has a lot of friends mad at her - the bride and the wedding is the issue.  Have they always been this way?  I mean, you said you've always doubted how close they were (in which case I think you dug your own hole for asking them to be a part of your wedding) but if they haven't always talked about you behind your back, then yes, the odds are that you're being a bridezilla.  Friends don't really start hating each other for no reason.  I would start an open conversation with them (or even just one) to find out what's going on.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cc73387f-a58a-49ba-96ea-692dd58f9e22Post:52d1e614-66df-4b2e-bb85-cb94846f3ebe">sad :(</a>:
[QUOTE]my fiance is currently in afghanistan, otherwise i'd probably feel a whole lot better about this silly situation. i've got 8 bridesmaids... 3 of which are girls i went to elementary school with. i consider these girls like sisters to me... seeing as we grew up together from such a young age. well, i mean, w<strong>ith any female friendships, i've found that i've always questioned their sincerity. i dont really know how to explain it, other than me ending up with this feeling that we're not as great of friends as i percieve.</strong> anyways, this feeling comes and goes, with every one of these girls... and most of the time it happens with each girl at different times. well, i'm at a loss right now, because i feel it from literally ALL angles. even a 4th has joined the "lets hate on her" brigade. the other night i went out with 3 of them, had a really lame day at work, and ive just been depressed for a bit (my parents failing marriage amidst my own wedding plans, fiance deployed, overworked/underpaid, etc), and i was looking forward to just putting it all aside for a girls night. apparently the universe had something else in store for me. i walked in to literally, what seemed like a sh*t talking sexh about me. you know how you just get that vibe? they were ALL weird with me, barely spoke to me, then made up some BS about the meter running out and having to go... not even an hour into me getting there! all three of them drove together (the place was like 30 min from where all of us live), and NOT ONE of them offered to drive home with me! sighh. im just disappointed. disappointed in expecting them to be better friend than they are, disappointed in them for pretending all these years. siigh. i hate how im feeling right now. i guess im thankful for my job, and my yoga teacher training. at least im productively busy, and have better things to gather my attention on. but it still just hurts, in the quiet moments :(.
Posted by peaceistheway[/QUOTE]
If you have always felt that maybe you aren't good friends after all, why ask them to be in your WP?
<div>
</div><div>If all your friends/BMs are talking sh!t about you, is it possible that you may not be treating them well as friends?  Rather than some big karmic conspiracy?  I personally think that it's a small chance that, for the sake of spiting you, they decided to all play along together, wait until your wedding, pretend to be your friends for all these years, and then get together and talk smack about you for funsies.  I mean that really seems out there to me.  <div>
</div><div>I'm not trying to demean your feelings; I get how you feel and I'd be really upset too.  But you really need to take a hard look at yourself here.  If you have never trusted any of your friends your entire life, isn't it possible that it shows and they feel disrespected for it?  </div></div><div>
</div><div>If it were one BM, I'd totally give you the benefit of the doubt.  But if you're talking about something like half the WP, you really need to look at yourself.  Have your pity party for a day, then start working on solving the problem.</div>

joiner521

They sound like they are jealous of you. You need to find new friends. Apparently they have not grown up yet.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cc73387f-a58a-49ba-96ea-692dd58f9e22Post:7e53307d-bc65-471b-83fa-2524e23042bd">Re: sad :(</a>:
[QUOTE]They sound like they are jealous of you. You need to find new friends. Apparently they have not grown up yet.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]
People just aren't that jealous of other people, though.  I don't get that from what OP wrote, and I think it distracts from what the more likely issue is.

peaceistheway

joiner, thats what everyone keeps telling me (other than the 1st two posters). i treat people the way i want to be treated, and i just dont get it in return.

but yea, to the other two posters, i guess it really is my fault that i included them. i just assumed we were better friends than that, and theyd be happy for me. but who the hell knows. so what do i do now though? continue including them? im just at a total loss. and im not even trying to through a pity party, i just really have no one, other than my mom and my 13 year old sister, to talk to. if these girls aren't my friends, then ive got no one. maybe its all just me in denial...

marissa_claire

Peace - I don't really get why you can't tell them what you've told us.  I would go grab lunch with one girl at a time and say 'I included you because I really value our friendship but I'm not as sure that you do."  Don't kick them out, if that's where this is going.  I still think there's more to this story than you're telling.

And, to agree with Brooke, no one is shitty to another friend because they're jealous that she's getting married.  It might be hard for you to believe that, but even when I was patiently awaiting a ring, I was supportive of my friends who were already walking down the aisle.  No one's that jealous.  It's a cop out to say they are.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cc73387f-a58a-49ba-96ea-692dd58f9e22Post:e73c9bc1-638b-456a-869f-adc500e54093">Re: sad :(</a>:
[QUOTE]joiner, thats what everyone keeps telling me (other than the 1st two posters). i treat people the way i want to be treated, and i just dont get it in return. but yea, to the other two posters, i guess it really is my fault that i included them. i just assumed we were better friends than that, and theyd be happy for me. but who the hell knows. so what do i do now though? continue including them? im just at a total loss. and im not even trying to through a pity party, i just really have no one, other than my mom and my 13 year old sister, to talk to. if these girls aren't my friends, then ive got no one. maybe its all just me in denial...
Posted by peaceistheway[/QUOTE]
Well, if there's a problem with the friendship, you need to address it and leave the wedding out of it.  Talk to them about what you heard and discuss the friendship.<div>
</div><div>I'll be honest, I don't think they're jealous.  I think it's an answer people give that makes you feel better about yourself and the situation, but the fact of the matter is that rarely is even one BM jealous of the bride, and almost never is the entire WP jealous of her.</div><div>
</div><div>This is going to be very hard to do, but you need to get an honest assessment of how you treated them.  If you have a hard time making and maintaining friendships, the common denominator is you, and you really need to look at yourself.  From your POV, it might have been one way, but from their POV, it might have been very different.  </div><div>
</div><div>Did you ever see that 30 Rock episode where Liz Lemon goes home for her 20 year reunion, and she's dreading it because she was the awkward loner that everyone made fun of?  Well she goes and it turns out that she was actually the bully--everyone was scared of her and her acid tongue.  I'm not saying that's necessarily what's going on here, but I'm saying it's an illustration of how your perception of a situation could be very different from someone else's.</div>

sister2groom

I have no idea what's going on with your friends/you, but honest conversation sounds like your best bet right now. Usually if you ask a friend, doesn't even need to be a good friend, to give you honest feedback about what's going on between you two, she will, as long as you're willing to take criticism.

If they can't give you honest feedback about what you are supposed to be doing wrong, then I'm not really sure why they're your friends. It's not always easy giving honest feedback, so I wouldn't necessarily expect them to be able to get back to you immediately, but friends should get back to you when you ask a question like that.

On a different note, the first thing I thought when I read your post is that a lot of it might be in your head. If you've always questioned the sincerity of any female friendships you've ahd then either you're a shallow-girl magnet or you have trust issues with girlfriends. Also, it sounds like a lot a cruddy stuff is going on in your life with your FI and parents (which, BTW, I'm really sorry you have to go through) and that might be coloring your perception and make you feel down and feel like everyone is against you. Or they could be cruddy friends, but I can't possibly know that.

Whatever happens with your current friends, I think you maybe should find some girlfriends with deployed SOs (I'm assuming your FI is deployed in Afghanistan). Or maybe even just go vent on the Military Brides board, maybe talking to someone who understands some of the crud you're going through will help you feel better.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cc73387f-a58a-49ba-96ea-692dd58f9e22Post:e73c9bc1-638b-456a-869f-adc500e54093">Re: sad :(</a>:
[QUOTE]joiner, thats what everyone keeps telling me (other than the 1st two posters). i treat people the way i want to be treated, and i just dont get it in return. but yea, to the other two posters, i guess it really is my fault that i included them. i just assumed we were better friends than that, and theyd be happy for me. but who the hell knows. so what do i do now though? continue including them? im just at a total loss. and im not even trying to through a pity party, i just really have no one, other than my mom and my 13 year old sister, to talk to. if these girls aren't my friends, then ive got no one. maybe its all just me in denial...
Posted by peaceistheway[/QUOTE]
Umm, Joiner says that to everyone.  It's pretty much never true. 

bdulli13

OP, I am going to take another route here... You sound really down in the dumps about life right now, and super stressed out. Is it possible that you have been venting and venting to your friends about how crappy things are, and they got tired of hearing it? I don't mean that in a bad way at all. But sometimes, when you're depressed, you don't even know you're projecting these shiitty vibes everywhere. I've done it, and I have had friends do it, and in both cases the person on the receiving end had to take a step back in order to maintain their own sanity.

It sounds like you're really going through a lot right now. Maybe you should consider talking to someone better equipped to deal with that, like a therapist or a religious counselor. Having someone else on the outside to talk to about the things that are getting you down may be the ticket you need, and could allow you to rebuild your friendships in a more positive way.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:cc73387f-a58a-49ba-96ea-692dd58f9e22Post:9645570a-60f1-4de2-8e5d-afd7c5b32b5f">Re: sad :(</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, I am going to take another route here... You sound really down in the dumps about life right now, and super stressed out. Is it possible that you have been venting and venting to your friends about how crappy things are, and they got tired of hearing it? I don't mean that in a bad way at all. But sometimes, when you're depressed, you don't even know you're projecting these shiitty vibes everywhere. I've done it, and I have had friends do it, and in both cases the person on the receiving end had to take a step back in order to maintain their own sanity. It sounds like you're really going through a lot right now. Maybe you should consider talking to someone better equipped to deal with that, like a therapist or a religious counselor. Having someone else on the outside to talk to about the things that are getting you down may be the ticket you need, and could allow you to rebuild your friendships in a more positive way.
Posted by bdulli13[/QUOTE]

You read my mind bdulli.

OP - if you've always had trust issues with female friendships, you really need to see someone to get past it. 

Also, I've had friends who never shut up about how horrible there life is at that moment.  I'd try to ignore it, not engage them in conversation and they almost always took the hint that I didn't want to hear it for the tenth time.

deepcovejackie

Bdulli--I was thinking the same thing.  OP, it's sounding like you have a lot on your plate.  Do you think your stress may be influencing how you're viewing your friends?  How is your mood generally?    Could it be that your perception isn't really reflective of reality?

LoveMuffins

Bdulli, I definitely got that impression too.

OP, just reading your post depressed me... and rightly so, you're going through major stuff right now with your FI's location. But sometimes friends can start to feel like they've been relegated to being therapists, rather than being able to have fun. Is it possible that your friends feel just as overwhelmed and helpless in the face of your problems as you do? I know I hate it when something's wrong with a friend and I can't fix it, and it never seems to get any better. It can become really hard to be around that person, even if you love them with all your heart.

Since you say you've always had insecurity issues, it also probably means that you read too much into any kind of reticence on their part, which is just going to make you more depressed, which might make them want to spend even less time with you, etc. etc. It just turns into a huge downward spiral.

If you were one of my friends, I'd probably ask if you're seeing a therapist, and perhaps a support group for family members with loved ones overseas. I know the Red Cross has those, and I'm pretty sure other organizations do too. You should check them out.

jcamm11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cc73387f-a58a-49ba-96ea-692dd58f9e22Post:630c73ea-f8a3-47b6-964c-c55ca4fdde4c">Re: sad :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Bdulli--I was thinking the same thing.  OP, it's sounding like you have a lot on your plate.  Do you think your stress may be influencing how you're viewing your friends?  How is your mood generally?    Could it be that your perception isn't really reflective of reality?
Posted by deepcovejackie[/QUOTE]

I agree it probably has to do at least in part with your perception.  It's strange that they would make plans to get together with you if they didn't want to be around you.

As with any friendships, make sure it's give and take.  Ask them how they're doing and about their lives too - even if you are going through a lot and need someone to listen, so do they.

Snufflyfluffy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cc73387f-a58a-49ba-96ea-692dd58f9e22Post:e73c9bc1-638b-456a-869f-adc500e54093">Re: sad :(</a>:
[QUOTE]joiner, thats what everyone keeps telling me (other than the 1st two posters). i treat people the way i want to be treated, and i just dont get it in return. but yea, to the other two posters, i guess it really is my fault that i included them. i just assumed we were better friends than that, and theyd be happy for me. but who the hell knows. so what do i do now though? continue including them? im just at a total loss. and im not even trying to through a pity party, <strong>i just really have no one, other than my mom and my 13 year old sister, to talk to</strong>. if these girls aren't my friends, then ive got no one. maybe its all just me in denial...
Posted by peaceistheway[/QUOTE]

Um I don't mean to be rude but in your first post you said you have 8 bridesmaids, why are these 3 your only friends, who are the rest of your bridesmaids?

I'm sorry that you have been dealing with a lot of crap lately but I agree with the PP's, try talking to them, see what is going on, as friends not bridesmaids.

peaceistheway

so, i spoke to one of the girls who was there that night, and she said that i was clearly upset. im not very good at hiding my emotions, but i sincerely thought that i had a good game face on. i explained to her how i was feeling, and she even felt super bad that all three of them has just left me by myself. one of them said that she had figured i just needed to be by myself.

i dont know... its just really hard to sort through everything right now. im not even talking much about wedding stuff with them. and in response to snuffly, 3 of them are older cousins, who are across the country, one of them is my fiance's twin sister, who is also on the other side of the country, and the 5th is my 13 yr old sister.

i guess i do have more girlfriends... that depression kind of made it seem pathetic on my part. i just tend to find that a lot of them are shallow, or flaky, or conditional. girls will be girls, i suppose.

look, im the first person, in any relationship, friendship or otherwise, to analyze how my behavior factors into situations. if i effed up, i apologize. i guess im just growing out of one level... a level ive been at with these girls for a while, onto another level. and while i wish i could take them all with me, i cant. theyre not there yet.

anyways, thanks for all your input, harsh, rude, kind, or what have you. there's always going to be so much more to a post of this nature, but honestly, i dont even want to expend any more energy on it. it is what it is. theyre going to be the same friends they've always been... and i just have to choose to accept it or not. which, realistically, i probably will. its the longevity that has held us all together. and, just like family, theyre gonna hurt me at times. i probably do need therapy, but for now, im just gonna keep rolling with these brutal punches.

deepcovejackie

OP, you do sound as though you need some help.  The title of your post says it all.  I'm kind of worried about your mood.  I'm not saying you have a personality flaw, but it sounds as though you're really having a tough time of it.  Please go talk to someone.  Hang out here on the boards too, not sure if you know about the military brides board.  Good luck, hang in there.

LoveMuffins

I agree with Jackie, and this most recent post seems to show it even more clearly, your lack of energy and general sadness indicates some pretty severe depression. There are a lot of avenues for helping with that, and I hope you go get some help. Therapy has done wonders for me, and I rarely get depressed anymore.

bablingbrooke

OP, I think you may find counseling very helpful.  You do sound depressed, and it sounds like a cycle that feeds on itself.  When I was in college, I went to a counselor for awhile and found it tremendously helpful.  You don't have to live like this, and there are people out there who can help you.