FMIL trying to take over my guest list

jackgib

My fiance and I are paying for about 80% of the wedding, with our parents chipping in the other 20%. We both have very large families, putting our guest list wayyyyy over our budget immediately. We have cut our friends list down to next to nothing (went from around 65 to around 25). Our families still have lists of around 90 each, which we have asked to be cut again. My FMIL is very annoyed with my asking her to tell me who the tier two guests are (i.e. her friends whom I've never met in my eight years dating her son). She also is insisting that my future BIL and SIL bring a date. Neither of them are in relationships, both are in the wedding party, and it will end up being that they each bring a friend (thus cutting two more of our friends off the list).

I'd love to be able to invite everyone, and I wish money was no question. But that is obviously not the case. She thinks it is totally resonable to NOT INVITE our own friends so her other children can invite their friends. How am I supposed to deal with this without causing an arguement? I literally cannot spend a penny more than our budget but she does't seem to understand that the caterers are costing us a fortune and one person here and there is adding up to thousands of extra dollars that WE have to pay.

And as a side note, my FMIL also wants to hold my shower two weeks before my wedding, which is still NINE MONTHS away. Also, I explicitly told her I wanted my shower to be a surprise and that my mom/her/the bridesmaids would be planning it. Why would she call me and tell me shes planning on having it on a specific date?? And two weeks before the wedding?? Not happening.

I know it sounds like this lady is awful, but I really do usually get along with her very well. I don't want any family drama, so I need help dealing with her and setting her mind straight!

AutumnFair

<div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;"><div>In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-trying-over-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd3a636e-a71b-4d6a-99a0-a4c6f613ae86Post:4bb20aa1-a53a-4bc9-b2dd-e8f62ba42cba">FMIL trying to take over my guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are paying for about 80% of the wedding, with our parents chipping in the other 20%. We both have very large families, putting our guest list wayyyyy over our budget immediately. We have cut our friends list down to next to nothing (went from around 65 to around 25). Our families still have lists of around 90 each, which we have asked to be cut again. My FMIL is very annoyed with my asking her to tell me who the tier two guests are (i.e. her friends whom I've never met in my eight years dating her son). She also is insisting that my future BIL and SIL bring a date. Neither of them are in relationships, both are in the wedding party, and it will end up being that they each bring a friend (thus cutting two more of our friends off the list). I'd love to be able to invite everyone, and I wish money was no question. But that is obviously not the case. She thinks it is totally resonable to NOT INVITE our own friends so her other children can invite their friends. How am I supposed to deal with this without causing an arguement?<div> I literally cannot spend a penny more than our budget but she does't seem to understand that the caterers are costing us a fortune and one person here and there is adding up to thousands of extra dollars that WE have to pay.</div><div>
</div><div><strong>You do nothing, this is your <em>FI</em>'s mother <em>HE</em> needs to deal with it. He needs to tell his mom that she gets X amount of people to invite and if she wants to invite anything beyond then its going to cost her Y amount per person and you want the money up front. If she does not want to pay for those people and still goes over the X amount of people she is allowed to invite, he needs to tell her that you two will be cutting her list FOR her. As for FBIL and FSIL, if they are in the WP traditionally they get to bring a date. I know it sucks but I think other ladies are going to tell you the same thing etiquette wise. </strong></div><div>
</div><div> And as a side note, my FMIL also wants to hold my shower two weeks before my wedding, which is still NINE MONTHS away. Also, I explicitly told her I wanted my shower to be a surprise and that my mom/her/the bridesmaids would be planning it. Why would she call me and tell me shes planning on having it on a specific date?? And two weeks before the wedding?? Not happening. I know it sounds like this lady is awful, but I really do usually get along with her very well. I don't want any family drama, so I need help dealing with her and setting her mind straight!</div><div>
</div><div><strong>Don't know why she told you, unless she totally forgot it was suppose to be a surprise or she's just trying to throw you through a loop. Unless you have other commitments 2 weeks before your wedding many Bridal Showers are usually 2-6+ weeks before the wedding. If she brings up any shower stuff just tell her that you want to be surprised. Also if you are that upset about the date, tell your BMs what dates you are available, then let them handle what date they choose. </strong></div><div>
</div><div>Posted by jackgib[/QUOTE]

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MairePoppy

ditto Autumn Fair. The wp members should get to bring dates. But don't cut your list of 25, either. That's not fair. Figure out how many you can invite, subtract your guest list plus the wedding party and dates from the total. The remainder should be divided between the parents. Fi should deal with his mom.

Tell her you don't want to know anything about the shower. I hope she was just trying to throw you off by giving you the wrong date.

jackgib

Defintely not trying to throw me off. She wants to do it on that date because it is convienent for her since she will be in town for someone else's wedding. I think that is really selfish because a) im only getting married once, and b) if that is really the only date that works for you, talk to my mom/BMs, NOT ME.
I even said to her that I wanted it to be a surprise and she said, oh well, this is the date that works for me.

mgietler76

If she pays for her extra guests is the only way I see this working. I'm sorry you had to cut some friends. The WP should defintely get dates. And IMO it comes off a little snotty to say "I explicitly told her I wanted my shower to be a surprise and that my mom/her/the bridesmaids would be planning it." She is throwing YOU a party, you shouldn't be dictating the terms of said party. But that is just my opinion and I hope everything works out for you.

jackgib

In my defence, I'd be fine without a bridal shower. but if someone is going to plan it for me, i'd like to be a surprise. aka: i dont want any information about it and i do not have any interest in planning it (exactly because it is a party thrown for me). She wants to tell me the date and probably expectes me to send out the invites and everything as well. if someone wants to throw me a shower, they shouldnt be talking to me about it.

Muffin'sMom

THIS

You do nothing, this is your FI's mother HE needs to deal with it. He needs to tell his mom that she gets X amount of people to invite and if she wants to invite anything beyond then its going to cost her Y amount per person and you want the money up front. If she does not want to pay for those people and still goes over the X amount of people she is allowed to invite, he needs to tell her that you two will be cutting her list FOR her. As for FBIL and FSIL, if they are in the WP traditionally they get to bring a date. I know it sucks but I think other ladies are going to tell you the same thing etiquette wise. 

amandaisengaged

they are not paying for your wedding? this is what i would do, And also wish i would have done. is get the list from your parents and his.and then cut the list yourself. set up guidelines as to who you cut like how well does the groom know the person. like if the groom barely remembers the person then cut.  

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-trying-over-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd3a636e-a71b-4d6a-99a0-a4c6f613ae86Post:cec807e3-402f-45b1-980a-e73b75ed4640">Re: FMIL trying to take over my guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]In my defence, I'd be fine without a bridal shower. but if someone is going to plan it for me, i'd like to be a surprise. aka: i dont want any information about it and i do not have any interest in planning it (exactly because it is a party thrown for me). She wants to tell me the date and probably expectes me to send out the invites and everything as well. if someone wants to throw me a shower, they shouldnt be talking to me about it.
Posted by jackgib[/QUOTE]

Why is it so important that the shower be a surprise? I understand not wanting to be involved in planning, which you're right, you shouldn't be, but it's kind of a lot to expect people to surprise you. I think you're making too big of a deal about that. If she's only going to be in town once before the wedding, why is it so wrong that she ask the shower be held on that date? You want to inconvenience her by making her travel again for your super special surprise party.

As for the guest list, ditto PPs. You tell them how many people they can invite and that's it. If they don't cut the list, you do it for them. You should however, allow your WP to have dates. If that means FILs have to cut two people from their friends list, then so-be-it.

goetzr19

1.  FI needs to confront his mother.  Give him a number of people FMIL is allowed to invite, and that's that.

2.  If a guest is not seriously dating someone, engaged, or married, then they don't bring a date.  Doesn't matter if it's a brother or sister, or if they are in the WP.

bdriley

WP members shouldn't automatically get a date, particularly if they aren't in a committed relationship.  IF you can afford it, you can permit them a date but chances are (if they're helpful and not just the "show up and look pretty" kind of WP members) they will be busy on your wedding day too.  If I was the casual (i.e. not acually dating) date for someone in the WP, I probably wouldn't know that many people there anyway and wouldn't particuloarly enjoy myself because of it.  Don't give them a date.  Invite your supportive friends and say 'suck it' to the demanding family members.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-trying-over-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd3a636e-a71b-4d6a-99a0-a4c6f613ae86Post:469d5bb5-5da2-4a13-97be-3f7a9888412b">Re: FMIL trying to take over my guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]WP members shouldn't automatically get a date, particularly if they aren't in a committed relationship.  IF you can afford it, you can permit them a date but chances are (if they're helpful and not just the "show up and look pretty" kind of WP members) they will be busy on your wedding day too.  If I was the casual (i.e. not acually dating) date for someone in the WP, I probably wouldn't know that many people there anyway and wouldn't particuloarly enjoy myself because of it.  Don't give them a date.  Invite your supportive friends and say 'suck it' to the demanding family members.
Posted by bdriley[/QUOTE]

<div>Actually, in most areas WP should have the option of bringing a date. Every wedding I have been in as a bridesmaid has given me a "and guest" when I was still single. It's just common curiosity because some weddings the WP member might only know the Bride or Groom and to be at a party with only knowing 2 people who are busy is not my idea as fun. So though her FSIL and FBIL know family, its still a proper etiquette to give them a date (someone their own age) to have fun with at the party. </div>

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-trying-over-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd3a636e-a71b-4d6a-99a0-a4c6f613ae86Post:da9a556a-2055-4db5-b547-89d587c002e5">Re: FMIL trying to take over my guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]When I've been in the WP of weddings, I've actually left my BF (now FI) at home.  Why? Because I'm off taking pictures, in a receiving line, bustling a dress, making a toast, sneaking away to decorate a car/room, or helping my friend not pee on her dress.  I'm busy, I wouldn't be a good date to him,.  What would he be doing? Standing around a reception hall where he knows no one with his thumb up his ass.  For a college girlfriend, all my friends were in the WP and none of our SOs knew each other.  I came stag. Moral of the story, WP doesn't need dates, especially if they are single.  It is a nice COURTESY if you can manage it, but certainly not mandatory.  If FMIL is insisting that thy bring random friends, tell them she must write you a check for X dollars to accomodate the extra guests.  Otherwise, stick to your guns and say absolutely not.  It is your wedding and you are not breaching etiquette by saying no.
Posted by katelynbrian[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Unless it took you half the night to bustle a dress, make a toast, decorate a car/room (which I never did as a BM), your FI wouldn't have been left alone all that long. I assume it was his choice not to come and that's totally fine, but just because you were too busy wanting to do stuff doesn't mean others will  do the same. </div><div>
</div><div>My friend was MOH for her best friend and the only person she knew at the Wedding was the Bride & Groom and the Bride's parents. Her BF couldn't come and she said she was pretty bored since she didn't know anyone. The moral of the story is that you should give your WP dates because they spend a lot of time and money being the wedding and should have the opportunity to have a good time with someone they know (since the Bride/Groom are usually busy). </div><div>
</div><div>Plus OP is talking about 2 extras, definitely NOT worth starting WWIII over 2 spots.</div><div>
</div>

r0xych1cana

"We'd love to be able to invite everyone, but unfortunately our budget doesn't allow that."  Anyone that is upset about not getting an invite should understand that. I have to say that I completely disagree with people who are saying that you should tell your FMIL that she can pay for extra guests. That is setting a bad precedent for your wedding & giving her way too much control. (Have people really thought about this? She can invite 30 extra people who you & your FI don't even know!) I know how hard making the guest list is, but really, the more selective you are, the easier it is. You want people that matter to the two of you sharing your special day with you. We have a guest list of 60 (& we both have HUGE families!), but we are only inviting parents, grandparents, siblings, 1st cousins, aunts, uncles & a select group of close friends. By being so selective with our guest list, no one has questioned it (ah, the beauty of a small wedding!) IMO I don't think people in the wedding party are entitled to dates unless they only know the bride & groom (or if they're married or in long-term relationships, of course). The BIL & SIL will know plenty of people since family will be there, so I really don't see how dates are necessary. (And I do realize it's only 2 spots, but giving in to this, is, again, setting a bad precedent.) On the other hand, I'm not one for family drama, so if she wants a bunch of people there, how about a compromise? The wedding guest list will be decided by you & your FI, & then a month later you can have a big, laidback reception with everyone that FMIL wants & guests that were "second tier."

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-trying-over-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd3a636e-a71b-4d6a-99a0-a4c6f613ae86Post:dc993d97-3c10-47f3-9ea9-d34d7ac25e3e">Re: FMIL trying to take over my guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]"We'd love to be able to invite everyone, but unfortunately our budget doesn't allow that."  Anyone that is upset about not getting an invite should understand that. I have to say that I completely disagree with people who are saying that you should tell your FMIL that she can pay for extra guests. That is setting a bad precedent for your wedding & giving her way too much control. (Have people really thought about this? She can invite 30 extra people who you & your FI don't even know!)  [/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>My friend paid for her own wedding and wanted it to be intimate. If OP just wants a intimate wedding with just close family and friends than she can stick to her guns, but if this about money (which many situations are) and she just doesn't want to pay for all these extra people then her FI can tell his mother that its going to cost her X per person in advance (usually when a parent has to pay for people their original "must have friends" start to get another look). She isn't taking control of the guest list, its called compromising with her FMIL. </div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] IMO I don't think people in the wedding party are entitled to dates unless they only know the bride & groom (or if they're married or in long-term relationships, of course). The BIL & SIL will know plenty of people since family will be there, so I really don't see how dates are necessary. (And I do realize it's only 2 spots, but giving in to this, is, again, setting a bad precedent.) On the other hand, <strong>I'm not one for family drama, so if she wants a bunch of people there, how about a compromise? The wedding guest list will be decided by you & your FI, & then a month later you can have a big, laidback reception with everyone that FMIL wants & guests that were "second tier."</strong>
Posted by r0xych1cana [/QUOTE]

</div><div>How is giving 2 possible guest to her FSIL and FBIL giving "control" to FMIL. Your looking way too much into this, OPing can chalk it up as good etiquette.</div><div>
</div><div>That is BAD, there is NO need for a second reception. It's tacky, looks gift grabby, and it shows the "second tiered" guests that "hey, you can come to this party but you weren't good enough to come to the first". </div>

heyimbren

"Second tier" is not a good way to do things, because it's like letting people know that they're "second tier" relationships: it's like saying "you're not important to come to the real event, but here you can come to the second-rate one instead".

bdriley

A lot of Mormon couples have later receptions after the wedding because many friends aren't allowed to enter the temple for the wedding.  Not saying that is anything related but making a generalized statement AutumnFair and heyimbren about 2nd tier guests as not good enough to get invited to the real deal doesn't always apply.  And if its a destination wedding a 2nd reception back home isn't a bad idea either.  Those who get offended about a invitation to a wedding reception and not a wedding ceremony aren't providing the kind of support you need anyway.  No one is ever entitled to an invitation (or a guest) and they should be honored if they receive one whether it be for the ceremony and reception or only the reception.

AutumnFair

<div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-trying-over-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd3a636e-a71b-4d6a-99a0-a4c6f613ae86Post:16042647-889c-4a13-a390-504379519861">Re: FMIL trying to take over my guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]A lot of Mormon couples have later receptions after the wedding because many friends aren't allowed to enter the temple for the wedding.  Not saying that is anything related but making a generalized statement AutumnFair and heyimbren about 2nd tier guests as not good enough to get invited to the real deal doesn't always apply.  And if its a destination wedding a 2nd reception back home isn't a bad idea either.  Those who get offended about a invitation to a wedding reception and not a wedding ceremony aren't providing the kind of support you need anyway.  No one is ever entitled to an invitation (or a guest) and they should be honored if they receive one whether it be for the ceremony and reception or only the reception.
Posted by bdriley[/QUOTE]

<div>Last time I checked, only certain people can go in the temple for the <em>ceremony</em>, <strong>not</strong> the reception. As for DW the second reception, I'm not a fan because that is the couples <strong>choice</strong> to go away, that's part of the downside with DW. So unless it's a couple from two different countries, I still think a second reception is rude even with DW. We are talking about having a 2nd reception for the people that didn't make the cut for the first one that had 200 people. I don't know about you but if any friend, co-worker, etc did that to me I would be offended because I would see that person as just trying to have more attention and wanting gifts.</div><div>
</div><div>I don't know where you are pulling this guest "entitlement" because no person that knows the Bride & Groom should never assume that they are invited, that is up to the Bride & Groom. But NO person should have to feel like 2nd class and get invited to a 2nd reception, its rude plain and simple. So unless its a temple where only certain people can go to the ceremony, there should be 1 wedding ceremony and 1 reception, anything else is rude (once again besides couples from 2 different countries).</div></div>

r0xych1cana

A second reception is a simple way to include more people in on a celebration of your wedding. Let's be real...there are people who you cannot imagine your wedding without, & then those who you'd love to be there, but the budget simply doesn't allow it. That's what the 2nd reception is for. For second receptions I think it's best to include something like "The gift of your presence is all we request" on the invites so guests don't feel like you're just asking for more gifts. As bdriley said "Those who get offended about a invitation to a wedding reception and not a wedding ceremony aren't providing the kind of support you need anyway." And if someone does think it's in bad taste, there is zero obligation for them to come.

@AutumnFair: giving the FMIL 2 spots for the wedding party is definitely a good compromise, but I based my response off OP statements: "She thinks it is totally resonable to NOT INVITE our own friends so her other children can invite their friends. How am I supposed to deal with this without causing an arguement? I literally cannot spend a penny more than our budget but she does't seem to understand that the caterers are costing us a fortune and one person here and there is adding up to thousands of extra dollars that WE have to pay."
"She also is insisting that my future BIL and SIL bring a date."
Of course I don't know the whole situation, but from what I've heard, FMIL is attempting to take over the guest list (I mean, really..expecting the bride & groom to not invite their friends so her children can have guests?) Even the word "insisting" implies that FMIL is unwilling to see things from OP's point of view. Good etiquette should go both ways, & OP shouldn't have to be the one to compromise on everything (including what she wants) just for FMIL to continue to be unwilling to compromise with her.  If OP is ok with people she doesn't know @ her wedding if FMIL pays for it, then that is her choice. But at the end of the day, this wedding is about the bride & the groom, & FMIL needs to respect that.

AutumnFair

<div>In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-trying-over-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd3a636e-a71b-4d6a-99a0-a4c6f613ae86Post:6f015e72-e303-4490-8fd0-7bc5c5cff0a1">Re: FMIL trying to take over my guest list</a>:
[QUOTE] A second reception is a simple way to include more people in on a celebration of your wedding. Let's be real...<strong>there are people who you cannot imagine your wedding without, & then those who you'd love to be there, but the budget simply doesn't allow it.</strong> That's what the 2nd reception is for. For second receptions I think it's best to include something like "The gift of your presence is all we request" on the invites so guests don't feel like you're just asking for more gifts. As bdriley said "Those who get offended about a invitation to a wedding reception and not a wedding ceremony aren't providing the kind of support you need anyway." And if someone does think it's in bad taste, there is zero obligation for them to come. [/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>That is why people delay or have long engagements so that if they want a ton of people they can save up for it because people know that having 2 receptions is looked poorly on etiquette wise. Plus if you think about it, paying for 2 separate parties is more expensive then just doing one because your paying for all the different vendors again like reception hall, DJ, cater, etc again. </div><div>
</div><div>As for the quote "Those who get offended about a invitation to a wedding reception and not a wedding ceremony aren't providing the kind of support you need anyway", people wouldn't necessarily be offended by not being invited to the ceremony if there is special reason (like a temple) but to not be invited to the<strong><em>original</em></strong> reception is disrespectful because there is no restrictions religious wise for why they aren't invited, its all about the money. So I just don't see how you can think having<em> two</em> <strong>receptions (not ceremonies) </strong>is alright. </div></div><div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-trying-over-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd3a636e-a71b-4d6a-99a0-a4c6f613ae86Post:6f015e72-e303-4490-8fd0-7bc5c5cff0a1">Re: FMIL trying to take over my guest list</a>:
[QUOTE] @AutumnFair: giving the FMIL 2 spots for the wedding party is definitely a good compromise, but I based my response off OP statements: "She thinks it is totally resonable to NOT INVITE our own friends so her other children can invite their friends. How am I supposed to deal with this without causing an arguement? I literally cannot spend a penny more than our budget but she does't seem to understand that the caterers are costing us a fortune and one person here and there is adding up to thousands of extra dollars that WE have to pay." "She also is insisting that my future BIL and SIL bring a date." Of course I don't know the whole situation, but from what I've heard, FMIL is attempting to take over the guest list (I mean, really..expecting the bride & groom to not invite their friends so her children can have guests?) Even the word "insisting" implies that FMIL is unwilling to see things from OP's point of view. Good etiquette should go both ways, & OP shouldn't have to be the one to compromise on everything (including what she wants) just for FMIL to continue to be unwilling to compromise with her.  If OP is ok with people she doesn't know @ her wedding if FMIL pays for it, then that is her choice. But at the end of the day, this wedding is about the bride & the groom, & FMIL needs to respect that.
Posted by r0xych1cana[/QUOTE]

<div>I understand that OP is frustrated with her FMIL wanting all these people, which I already told her to stay firm with "sorry FMIL, due to our budget you can have X number of people anyone else you have to pay for upfront and it will cost Y per person." But I think what broke the camels back which was really small is the two extra guest (the dates for her FSIL and FBIL who are in the WP) which she needs to at least compromise on because OP needs to pick her battles, the two extras guest she can let slide because in most areas its good etiquette to let a WP member have a guest. I'm usually laid back with how a Bride and Groom plans their wedding but there are MORE than 2 people that a wedding is about, its about two families uniting and I believe that most people know this.</div>

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-trying-over-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd3a636e-a71b-4d6a-99a0-a4c6f613ae86Post:6f015e72-e303-4490-8fd0-7bc5c5cff0a1">Re: FMIL trying to take over my guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]A second reception is a simple way to include more people in on a celebration of your wedding. Let's be real...there are people who you cannot imagine your wedding without, & <strong>then those who you'd love to be there, but the budget simply doesn't allow it. That's what the 2nd reception is for</strong>. For second receptions I think it's best to include something like<strong> "The gift of your presence is all we request" on the invites</strong> so guests don't feel like you're just asking for more gifts. As bdriley said "Those who get offended about a invitation to a wedding reception and not a wedding ceremony aren't providing the kind of support you need anyway." And if someone does think it's in bad taste, there is zero obligation for them to come. Posted by r0xych1cana[/QUOTE]

No, that isn't what the second reception is for. If your budget doesn't allow you to invite as many guests as you would like to come, then you scale back in other ways such as the food or decor. You don't need to have orchids and steak, along with a second reception to have an amazing wedding. Invite the people you want there, then work the rest of the budget around that. Not the other way around. If you do it the other way around, you really are making them "second-rate" guests because you're valuing other things (like food, decor, venue, etc.) over them regarding your wedding.

You can never mention anything about gifts on the invites. It's still rude to request "no gifts" because it's based on the assumption of gifts. Plus I hate it when people tell me no gifts.

r0xych1cana

Of course a wedding is more than just the bride & groom & what they want...everything (not just weddings) needs to be about compromise & finding a good balance between what everyone wants. The FMIL needs to realize that this is not her day, though. I sympathize with OP b/c initially my mom wanted to invite all these people I didn't know & it was obvious she was excited about having a get-together of sorts with old friends, which is perfectly fine, but I don't think a wedding is the place to do that...unless it was my mom's wedding, of course

I think you both are misunderstanding my meaning of "second reception" (which I haven't clarified very well), so let me clarify now. I don't mean renting a hall with a DJ & fancy shmancy caterers. I guess I should call it a "family get-together in celebration of a wedding." I got the idea from my extended family actually. After the whole bit about my mom wanting this huge wedding in town (& not listening to what my FI & I wanted, which was a small coastal wedding), I decided I was just going to invite parents, grandparents & siblings & call it a day (admittedly, this was said out of frustration & was before having a heart-to-heart with my mom). But anywhoo, my extended family suggested that about a month after our tiny wedding, we should have a huge BBQ in my parents' backyard with dancing & everyone could be invited (even super-extended family & friends). I initially had a similiar reaction to AutumnFair, which was "isn't that in bad taste?" But everyone in my family was totally on board & was even starting to think of playlists for dancing & what kind of food we would have. (On a side note: my family has these kind of get-together ALL THE TIME...we're one of those "any excuse to party is fine by me" type of families.) So even though we have now expanded our guest list & are not having our blow-out get-together (oh, who am I kidding? I'm sure someone will be planning one anyway), I have kind of thrown out the whole "isn't that in bad taste?" outlook on weddings & in life. I'm more in the "being respectful of everyone's feelings" category, b/c that's what matters more. Some families would turn their noses up at what my family suggested, so it wouldn't work for them...but since everyone in my family embraced it, it does work for us. And besides, I've seen the whole "good etiquette" hurt people's feelings in the form of my future in-laws (who were unable to contribute financially to my FI's brother's wedding) being completely left off the invitations & being crushed by this. Even though they aren't able to financially contribute to our wedding, I would never dream of not having their names on the invites. I don't care what "good etiquette" says about that...I'm going to respect their feelings & make sure that they feel included & welcome.

What works for my family isn't everyone's cup of tea, but that's the beauty of weddings: you can customize your special day to fit into what works best for you & your family

AutumnFair

You said it yourself you are having a BBQ not a reception. If your parents want to host a BBQ just so everyone can see you then fine, I've had family that JOP and that did a DW and we've got together sometime afterward and just had a regular "welcome to the family" party which is very casual (my cousin just JOP and our extended family just went out to a buffet to eat and mingle with his new wife). 

A 2nd reception to me is the Bride & Groom is back in dress up attire, the full blown details like flowers, DJ. catering, etc, just like you see in a regular wedding reception. I do not condone regular occasion parties (gives me excuse to have some cake), but I do have a problem with having a full wedding and reception then doing the whole big shebang again for the ones that didn't make the first cut because there wasn't enough money or too far away the first time.