Mother-In-Law issues.. I'm at a loss...

carlock.kelsey

I will do my best to keep this short and simple, but it's a doozy no matter what.

My lovely man and I have been together for almost 4 years now and for the first 3.5 or so my parents were not supportive of a marriage for us because of religious differences. His parents were awesome. More than I could have asked for for future in-laws. Religious acts took place and now my parents are completely on board and really excited for us. I know hard to understand for some, but thats what it is. Now the issue... Everything took a complete 180 degree turn. Now my parents are being super supportive and his parents are being difficult. The issue.... Alcohol. His parents want it there, mine don't. 

My fiance and I decided our compromise would be to let his parents host something after the reception at another location. Kinda like a late cocktail hour sorta thing. I have no time line for my reception yet, I have 7 months until the big day... His mother has thrown fits, acted very childish on 2 specific occasions because we made the decision not to have alcohol there. She has told me on NUMEROUS occasions that alcohol HAS to be there, that it is tacky, hill-billy-ish, rude, inconsiderate, cheap, EMBARRASSING, no fun, and the list goes on... if alcohol isn't there. Has told me she vented to her sister about how tacky my parents are for not wanting it there, how she told her other family that "DON'T WORRY!!! I will get it there somehow if I have to serve it out of the back of my trunk".

It had been discussed on and off over the past year seriously about what would happen, and I informed her that there would have to be a compromise, and that I would have to talk to my parents about it. Simply put, my parents don't want it there and I and my fiance aren't to particular about it being there, so I am not going to fight it so my M-I-L's friends can drink.

NOW. What do I do? My fiance works out of the country for a month at a time and has asked on MULTIPLE occasions for his parents not to discuss anything wedding related while he is there. It is stressful and he doesn't need that while he is gone. The most recent episode of his mothers took place this weekend and his dad proceeded to email him telling him there were issues. I spoke with my fiance and we are both EXTREMELY hurt and frustrated with his parents. Now what? They are so concerned with their feelings and how it is going to LOOK to not have booze there, and Andy and I are just so hurt by them that we really don't want to have anything to do with them right now. 

One last thing... before religious acts took place, My parents were not going to pay for the wedding, nor come or be a part of it and support it because of their religious convictions... SO i of course discussed possible wedding plans with my M-I-L and we even went to one bridal show together. I know she is feeling left out and the 1 thing she wants there isn't going to happen, but I don't understand why the BOOZE is more imporatnt that her relationship with my fiance and I. Please.... HELP!

bdulli13

Ok, first question... Who is contributing what money?

If your parents are paying, really, they get the final say. I see nothing wrong with hosting a dry reception and then an after party with alcohol. Are your parents the only people who are against alcohol, or is this a religious thing that goes through the rest of your family also?

If you AND your fiance don't want alcohol at your wedding, that's your prerogative. May I suggest having your wedding and reception earlier, in that case? Perhaps if it is, say, a ceremony at 2pm with the reception from 4-7 or something like that, it will be a non-issue. You can serve a great meal, then everyone can party on. However, will  your parents be offended and think that their party wasn't good enough? That is something personally I would be concerned about.

Unfortunately when you take money from people, strings become attached. Your fiance needs to stop saying he doesn't want to deal with wedding things while he is away. I understand that sentiment, but while he is gone for a month, you're catching all the backlash from HIS family. He needs to call his mother and put his foot down. And tell her that if she can't let it go and act appropriately, she can stay home.

carlock.kelsey

My parents are the only ones contributing money. And the view on alcohol runs through my whole side of my family. Although, his parents did offer to pay for the alochol, money is not the issue, its the alochol. Since I have not set a time for my wedding I am not opposed to doing something earlier in the day, but I don't feel I need to make that my priority to please her after the way she has treated my fiance and I. I know that isn't right of me to act that way, but frustrations are quite high at the moment. I don't think my parents would feel they didn't throw a good enough party if the it all ends earlier in the day, but I guess that is not what I had in mind for the day, I see it as an evening wedding where it goes into the night.... And if there is something hosted afterwards on his parents part, it is not something my fiance and I would be attending, so I feel like that makes it even less of a priority to me as well. Thanks for the advice! any more to offer??

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-issues-im-loss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd90cb9f-a8fe-4d7e-b0bf-c1479d3ab317Post:caa89855-1bc6-4c1e-b007-1e7e93d7d291">Mother-In-Law issues.. I'm at a loss...</a>:
[QUOTE]I will do my best to keep this short and simple, but it's a doozy no matter what. My lovely man and I have been together for almost 4 years now and for the first 3.5 or so my parents were not supportive of a marriage for us because of religious differences. His parents were awesome. More than I could have asked for for future in-laws. Religious acts took place and now my parents are completely on board and really excited for us. I know hard to understand for some, but thats what it is. Now the issue... Everything took a complete 180 degree turn. Now my parents are being super supportive and his parents are being difficult. The issue.... Alcohol. His parents want it there, mine don't.  My fiance and I decided our compromise would be to let his parents host something after the reception at another location. Kinda like a late cocktail hour sorta thing. I have no time line for my reception yet, I have 7 months until the big day... His mother has thrown fits, acted very childish on 2 specific occasions because we made the decision not to have alcohol there. She has told me on NUMEROUS occasions that alcohol HAS to be there, that it is tacky, hill-billy-ish, rude, inconsiderate, cheap, EMBARRASSING, no fun, and the list goes on... if alcohol isn't there. Has told me she vented to her sister about how tacky my parents are for not wanting it there, how she told her other family that "DON'T WORRY!!! I will get it there somehow if I have to serve it out of the back of my trunk". It had been discussed on and off over the past year seriously about what would happen, and I informed her that there would have to be a compromise, and that I would have to talk to my parents about it. Simply put, my parents don't want it there and I and my fiance aren't to particular about it being there, so I am not going to fight it so my M-I-L's friends can drink. NOW. What do I do? My fiance works out of the country for a month at a time and has asked on MULTIPLE occasions for his parents not to discuss anything wedding related while he is there. It is stressful and he doesn't need that while he is gone. The most recent episode of his mothers took place this weekend and his dad proceeded to email him telling him there were issues. I spoke with my fiance and we are both EXTREMELY hurt and frustrated with his parents. Now what? They are so concerned with their feelings and how it is going to LOOK to not have booze there, and Andy and I are just so hurt by them that we really don't want to have anything to do with them right now.  One last thing... before religious acts took place, My parents were not going to pay for the wedding, nor come or be a part of it and support it because of their religious convictions... SO i of course discussed possible wedding plans with my M-I-L and we even went to one bridal show together. I know she is feeling left out and the 1 thing she wants there isn't going to happen, but I don't understand why the BOOZE is more imporatnt that her relationship with my fiance and I. Please.... HELP!
Posted by carlock.kelsey@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

I'm not sure what to suggest about the issue - I feel bad for you.  However, I would suggest a new SN w/o your email address.  Safety concerns, you know.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-issues-im-loss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd90cb9f-a8fe-4d7e-b0bf-c1479d3ab317Post:33455c7b-5980-4c34-b2d4-2dee33c773f8">Re: Mother-In-Law issues.. I'm at a loss...</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents are the only ones contributing money. And the view on alcohol runs through my whole side of my family. Although, his parents did offer to pay for the alochol, money is not the issue, its the alochol. Since I have not set a time for my wedding I am not opposed to doing something earlier in the day, but I don't feel I need to make that my priority to please her after the way she has treated my fiance and I. I know that isn't right of me to act that way, but frustrations are quite high at the moment. I don't think my parents would feel they didn't throw a good enough party if the it all ends earlier in the day, but I guess that is not what I had in mind for the day, I see it as an evening wedding where it goes into the night.... And if there is something hosted afterwards on his parents part, it is not something my fiance and I would be attending, so I feel like that makes it even less of a priority to me as well. Thanks for the advice! any more to offer??
Posted by carlock.kelsey@gmail.com[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>While I wouldn't like a dry wedding, it is your choice whether to serve alcohol or not.  The choice is between you and your parents, since your FIL's aren't paying for the reception.  It is a personal choice being made between you, your FI, and your parents to make it a dry wedding, and your MIL should respect that.  </div><div>
</div><div>As for having an evening wedding that goes into the night, the truth is that it probably won't go that late without alcohol.  Once the dinner and first dances are done, the party usually moves into the dancing.  Usually alcohol is what helps people get out on the dance floor, and when there isn't alcohol they tend not to dance as much, and leave early.  I'm sure there are instances where that doesn't happen, but more often than not people will be leaving shortly after dinner. </div>

bdulli13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-issues-im-loss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd90cb9f-a8fe-4d7e-b0bf-c1479d3ab317Post:33455c7b-5980-4c34-b2d4-2dee33c773f8">Re: Mother-In-Law issues.. I'm at a loss...</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents are the only ones contributing money. And the view on alcohol runs through my whole side of my family. Although, his parents did offer to pay for the alochol, money is not the issue, its the alochol. Since I have not set a time for my wedding I am not opposed to doing something earlier in the day, but I don't feel I need to make that my priority to please her after the way she has treated my fiance and I. I know that isn't right of me to act that way, but frustrations are quite high at the moment. I don't think my parents would feel they didn't throw a good enough party if the it all ends earlier in the day, but I guess that is not what I had in mind for the day, I see it as an evening wedding where it goes into the night.... And if there is something hosted afterwards on his parents part, it is not something my fiance and I would be attending, so I feel like that makes it even less of a priority to me as well. Thanks for the advice! any more to offer??
Posted by carlock.kelsey@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

OP, if you and your fiance wouldn't attend the after party, there really isn't any point in involving yourself with that-- what his mother does after the wedding is over is her business. If she wants to get the family together to drink, that's fine.

Generally if alcohol is not involved, the party isn't going to last all night. Sad, but true. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and gets people dancing, mingling with strangers, etc. I really do recommend doing something a little earlier so that you won't be disappointed if people start to file out after the meal. There is nothing wrong with having a dry wedding, especially because of your religious beliefs (and I am sure that many people who know you will understand also). But, it would be less out of place and people wouldn't question it as much if it were taking place as an afternoon/late afternoon/early evening wedding.  This isn't just to please her-- this is to please your guests and ultimately, please yourselves as well.

carlock.kelsey

Thanks for the response guys! I guess I should have described more of what I was thinking, but with it being such a long story anyways I was trying to minimize crap as much as possible. I invision more of a late afternoon wedding/reception. We are dealing with EVERYONE being out of town as it is a half way point between his parents home and my parents home. It is about an hour drive back to his parents area, so I thought if we had a 430 ceremony and dinner started by 530 (everything is in the same location) then that would put the wedding being over around... say... 830 or 9?. I know that isn't LATE into the night, but I guess what I was getting at was that I wanted an evening feel. Now, I completely agree that I do not need to involve myself with whatever plans she makes after, but what she wanted to ultimately do is find a way to go behind my parents back and get alochol there regardless, and I am NOT okay with that. Since I told her that was not a possibility, this orginial compromise isn't okay with her either because it will be pointless for everyone to drive an hour back, get to some location at like 10pm and have 1 drink. I don't know how to respond to that.  She has threathened numous times that they will not invite anyone on their side because it is embarrassing and at this point they said they would be inviting everyone, but letting everyone know that there wouldn't be alochol there. Essentially I see it as her making it into a big deal for everyone on their side attending so people are upset by it not being there, instead of being open to doing something different.

carlock.kelsey

thanks again for your advice ladies. I am deleting this account because of my username being my email... silly me. If i need more advice I will for sure post something again. THANKS

MairePoppy

It's hard to defend your fmil because she is acting like a bully, but you told her that there would have to be compromises. So where are the compromises? You say it's okay for them to host an after party, where they may serve alcohol. But you and fi will not attend. That's not compromising.

You could accommodate both sets of parents by having an earlier wedding and reception. You could have an elegant brunch, hosted by your parents and an after party hosted by your fi's parents. That way, neither family is imposing their moral convictions on the other. Or his parents could host a party the following day, which be nice for the oot guests.

Your fils shouldn't expect to serve alcohol at an event that your parents are hosting, since they are morally opposed to it. The host gets to decide what is served and what type of party it is. A good guest, which is what your fmil should be, graciously accepts whatever hospitality is offered. If she doesn't want to invite anyone to the wedding, then so be it. That doesn't stop your fi from making out a guest list for his side.

In the meantime, get caller ID and don't accept the phone calls. Your fi can deal with his parents when he gets back.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

jcamm11

I don't know, if she offered to pay for the booze, and your parents already got your FI to convert to their religion or else they wouldn't come, personally I would think they could compromise and at least allow SOME of his side's family traditions at the wedding.  It's not like your family has to drink just because there's alcohol there.  I think it would take a lot of stress off of your FI if your family would understand it's a very meaningful day for his side too.

RiRi157

What happened to " I informed her that there would have to be a compromise, and that I would have to talk to my parents about it"

Sounds like YOUR parents won't compromise.  There way or no way.''

Why not just wine on the tables.

jcamm11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-issues-im-loss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd90cb9f-a8fe-4d7e-b0bf-c1479d3ab317Post:16178377-2aa6-4b4d-801f-6dd14a5d3749">Re: Mother-In-Law issues.. I'm at a loss...</a>:
[QUOTE]''Why not just wine on the tables.
Posted by RiRi157[/QUOTE]

Yea, you guys could just do like wine and beer that way people won't have much of a chance of getting plastered if that's what you're worried about.

carlock.kelsey

I did discuss it with my parents, and I do not disagree with you guys on having beer or wine, that seems reasonable to me as well, but as much as his parents are for it, mine are against it. As unreasonable as any of it may seem on my parents end, they are the ones paying for it in the end. If there is alcohol there, they aren't paying for it. My fiance and I can't afford to pay for it, and neither can his parents. Also, my fiance or I aren't big drinkers so it is not important to us if it is there, thus why we decided we would not fight it with my parents. I guess we just never anticipated his parents to fight it this much. The only reason why it had any importance to us was because it was important to his parents.

I know they are hurt and offended by it all, but the attitudes they have are just as uncalled for as my parents attitudes over the past 3.5 years. The difference is, my parents situation was faith based, sometimes attitudes were uncalled for, but they acted out of concern and love. I see his parents issue as being selfish. I understand they want it there. I told her I was even willing to give her a time line so she could begin planning something for after the reception. I am willing to put the reception earlier in the day, say ending around 8ish, but that was not good enough. As far as my fiance and I not attending what they host. They aren't concerned with that, they know that if we did come to that it would only be for a short period of time to mingle. They want their friends to drink and thats what the whole thing would be for.

carlock.kelsey

As far as letting some of his families other traditions in, I have discussed with his mom what some of their traditions are and I have been more than willing to include those. I am trying to keep those traditions in mind while planning and scheduling everything so they can have that part.

I understand that part of wedding planning is compromising on things, that is why I am willing to try and make something work for them after the reception, but it isn't good enough for her. I feel like I have exhausted all my options. I am a college student in my last semester, a business owner, and working another job in the mean time. I don't have time to stress this much over booze.

I was respectful and firm when speaking with her letting her know what was taking place and that I was willing to give her a timeline asap so she could begin planning something, but that isn't what she wanted to hear. I feel that was compromise enough. Especially with the way she has behaved, never once seeing any simpathy from her as to how hurtful she is being. It is a poor me poor me pitty party on her end and it is exhausting. I can't deal with it.

jcamm11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-issues-im-loss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd90cb9f-a8fe-4d7e-b0bf-c1479d3ab317Post:7b5cc8ce-b67f-4fde-9bb1-373bb01a2d43">Re: Mother-In-Law issues.. I'm at a loss...</a>:
[QUOTE]As far as letting some of his families other traditions in, I have discussed with his mom what some of their traditions are and I have been more than willing to include those. I am trying to keep those traditions in mind while planning and scheduling everything so they can have that part. I understand that part of wedding planning is compromising on things, that is why I am willing to try and make something work for them after the reception, but it isn't good enough for her. I feel like I have exhausted all my options. I am a college student in my last semester, a business owner, and working another job in the mean time. I don't have time to stress this much over booze. I was respectful and firm when speaking with her letting her know what was taking place and that I was willing to give her a timeline asap so she could begin planning something, but that isn't what she wanted to hear. I feel that was compromise enough. Especially with the way she has behaved, never once seeing any simpathy from her as to how hurtful she is being. It is a poor me poor me pitty party on her end and it is exhausting. I can't deal with it.
Posted by carlock.kelsey@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

Your FIL's having a tantrum and putting so much pressure on you is childish, but your parents threatening to pull the plug on your wedding if you don't play by their rules (making FI change religions, not allowing alcohol at the wedding) is controling.  You probably don't want to hear this, but you guys should really just elope if you don't have the money to pay for the wedding yourselves.  You can't allow your parents to have so much power over your lives.  Look what it's doing to you - you're miserable.

carlock.kelsey

I feel like I should make clear that the religious part of it all, was done because my fiance wanted to. It wasn't changing religions, he is lutheran and i grew up in a straight up christian church. It was a matter of views on our beliefs that was the issue. I was not supportive of him making changes if he was making the decision to please my parents, and same went for my family and him as well. If that was the case he would have done it 3 years ago and saved all the struggles we have gone through. I am not going to say my parents aren't being controlling, I do think they are in a way, but when they are dropping that much money down on a wedding my fiance and I both feel they have that right to be then. As for other times, not so much. 

My whole life I felt like I was a push over always pleasing others before pleasing myself. Always giving in to what others wanted instead of what I truly wanted. One of the reasons I love my guy so much, is he taught me to stand my own ground and be firm with people, while of course still being respectful. And now that I am finally doing it, its all falling apart. 

BUT about eloping. It has seriously been discussed. I know he really wants to because of all the drama. In the end it is about him and I and our commitment to each other and that is what I try to focus on, but I want to have our day to share with family and friends just like most everyone else does. Aside from this issue I am enjoying wedding planning and my time with him (when he isn't out of the country) and I just want to get past all this. 

When he is back I know we will have to have another discussion with his parents, and I will have a reasonable timeline ready for them so they can begin making plans if they still want to. I don't see any other way to deal with it besides eloping. Maybe this is wrong for me to say, but I know that is what his mom wants at this point to save her and her husband the "embarrassment" and I am not going to let her get to me like that. I expressed to her that my feelings were being hurt by the way she is bashing it saying, " how do you think this makes me feel to hear my future mother in law say that the one day ive dreamed of for so long is going to be tacky cheap rude embarrassing hill-billy-ish and all these things.. just because alcohol is not going to be there? How do you think that makes me feel?" and there was no response. It was if she just ignored it. 

I need time to think about it and heal a little before discussing it with them any further. I don't feel that mine OR my fiances feelings are being taken into consideration and so it is difficult to be the bigger person at this point and put their feelings before ours. Selfish and maybe even childish I know, but I am not at a point where I feel I have to turn around and be selfless all over again.

mkrupar

Sounds to me like there's a whole lot of hard-headedness on both sides of the family. A compromise is meeting in the middle. Your parents not wanting alcohol, but his parents paying for it, would be a compromise. Your parents stomping their feet and refusing to even have a drop of alcohol at the wedding is not compromise. Your FILs did offer a compromise, and your parents aren't having it. I agree that while FMIL is being a bully, your parents aren't completely innocent in all of this.

Try and convince your parents to allow the ILs to host alcohol (of some sort) at the reception. If you family is against alcohol, they don't have to drink it. If you moved your ceremony up to 2 or 3, or even had a morning/brunch event your FMIL might be more willing to forgoe the alcohol.

carlock.kelsey

Already talked to my parents and they don't want it there. That is why my Fiance and I were the ones compromising. As much as his parents are for it and want it there my parents dont want it there. We are talking about two completely different families that are both overly opinionate and stubborn. It is my Fiance and I that have to do the compromising be neither side will. Thus why we came to the compromis we did. I figure if i have a 330 wedding, then the dinner would begin around 430-445, which wouldn't be an early dinner for 2/3 of the people coming because there is a time change for them. It would be 545 which is normal. THEN by the time all the required dances ect are done it will be around 730 8 at the very latest and those who want to leave can go for it and those who want to stay can stay. That is what i see as a compromise. Then whatever his parents want to plan after they have the whole evening.

jcamm11

It's probably not you're style, but if it were me I would give my parents a taste of their own medicine by telling them if they want to control every aspect of the wedding, we'll just put it off until we can afford to pay for it ourselves - in the meantime we will live together unmarried (I'm guessing that's your parents worst nightmare if they are as religious as you make them out to be).  With his parents, I would tell them they can pay for all of their guests not only to drink but meals as well, and see how hillbilly cutting some things is when it's her money.

If you don't want to put your wedding on the line standing up to your families, all you can really do is tell FMIL it's not your decision and you will not discuss it with her anymore!!

carlock.kelsey

Yeah I wont do the first, because I wont live with him before I'm married. Old fashioned maybe, but yeah thats not what will happen at all. lol  And i told his parents if they want to pay for the whole thing they can, and that didn't do anything because she said well we can't afford it, and that went no where. I don't feel like being as immature about the situation that BOTH parents are being is going to do anything but make matters worse. I am trying to be rational and mature about all of this and think it all through as much as possible before making any decisions.

 I just found out however, that my FMIL went behind my back contacting my reception hall BEFORE SHE EVEN KNEW I WANTED TO BOOK IT to see if she could make a contract with the woman to have the booze there.Wanting to give a payment ect...  Did NOT okay it with me, did NOT inform me of it when speaking with her the other night, and played DUMB when I was updating her on everything, when the reception woman informed me my FMIL knew everything that was going on. NOW i am just pissed. Before I was hurt and frustrated, but I have no desire to compromise with someone who will go behind my back and make plans for MY wedding without MY permission. NOT COOL.

Muffin'sMom

You may not want to see it, but you are taking sides.  Every option that was suggested that would move toward the center, you immediately disagree with and come back to what your parents want.  An afternoon wedding and reception with an evening afterparty is a possible solution.  If they go with that idea and have an afterparty, for you and your husband not to go, even if only to make a circuit of the room and have one dance, would be petty and mean spirited.  It feels like "getting back" at someone for not agreeing with you completely.

You are going to be married to him til death do us part.  That means that you will be married to them too.  He wasn't born into a vacuum, and family usually has the rudeness to hang around even when you try to pretend they aren't there.

If you don't step outside yourself to find a compromise, you will be paying for this for a REALLY long time.

carlock.kelsey

I actually havent been disagreeing with her. I told her i could work something out for earlier in the day to find a compromise and she wasn't happy with that because she wants her guests to have the booze when they are having their dinner. She wanted me to have a cake and punch reception and then have them host a dinner and booze and dancing, which would not have any sort of decor or cake or favors ect because they can't afford that.

If she was however, to host something afterwards like my fiance and I had given the option for, ie. cocktail hour after rececption instead of before, it has been made clear on their end that it is strickly for her and her friends to drink and dance and thats basically where it ends. My fiance and I along with my bridal party would be invited but that is it. They never said we ofcourse want you to be able to be tehre and be a part of it for awhile, nor stay if we were to come, so I don't feel that it is mean spirited or rude to not hang around long. It is afterall our weddig night. Aside from all of that, these people would still be coming to the ceremony and reception. We would be seeing them and mingling with them and toasting and dancing and the whole works with them. This is something strictly for them afterwards just to drink.

I understand the commitment of marrying him I marry his family. I want to get past this and she is hanging onto it. I want a resolution. Thus why I am seeking advice on how to handle it, and she wants to fight because its not ending on her terms. I tried compromising and that didn't work. Her deliberatly going behind my back on MULTIPLE occations to plan and organize things for my wedding day without my knowledge is down right rude and disrespectful to what I am wanting whatever that may be. (hair stylist, limo, venue, and then the alochol)

 I am constantly having to be the bigger person and appoligize to her for what is taking place, when she has over and over again straight to my face bashed me and my family and MY and MY FIANCE'S wants for the wedding. At this point I am not willing to continue to try and compromise with someone who can't put their pride aside for one second to see where they could be in the wrong. That is the way I chose to handle things with MY parents and that is the way my fiance and I are handling it with his.

They need to understand that they are making booze the focal point for this wedding, when it should be these two families coming together and celebrating in our commitment we are making to each other. She is putting her wants and desires for this wedding above her relationship with my fiance and I. At first she was concerned more about our relationship which I appreciated and reciprocated, but that has passed at this point for her.

If I was to see any type of remorse or appolgy on her end for the way she has behaved, like I have done for her, then I would be more than willing to continue to go out of my way to find a happy middle ground. I don't see her pride diminishing anytime soon however.

Kristin789

>>My parents are the only ones contributing money.

That's the line that counts here.

Your parents are hosting the wedding, and your parents make the decisions.  FMIL can stomp her feet and not come or whatever.

If your parents were hosting a dinner party, would FMIL call your parents and insist that they serve baked potatoes instead of mashed potatoes?  Cherry pie instead of cherry cheesecake?  Of course not.  FMIL would understand that your parents were hosting the dinner party, and as the hosts, your parents make those decisions.

Same thing here.

I will suggest a way around your situation that hasn't been mentioned here, based on my own personal story:

My mother could only pay for a champagne toast - no alcohol, no open bar.  And my officiant was the Chief Judge of the Circuit Court who wrote most of this state's DUI laws, which meant that he could not take part in the champagne toast and could not come at all if there was alcohol served or available.  I knew that FMIL and FFIL expected a Saturday night dinner dance with full open bar blowout.

So my mom hosted our wedding beginning at 11:30, followed by the champagne toast and lunch reception.  It was very nice, perfect for us, and met the criteria set out by my mom and our officiant.  And FMIL and FFIL did not expect nor demand a full open bar blowout starting at 11:30 in the morning.

You could think about moving your wedding to the morning.  I understand that a morning wedding isn't really anyone's FIRST CHOICE in your case, but it might eliminate some of the other problems.  And it's much cheaper.  Our luncheon reception was four courses, including the exact baked chicken main course they serve for dinners at the venue, and only cost $16/per person inclusive.

carlock.kelsey

All I want is an appology at this point. If she would just appolgize for her attitude and where she has wronged us I will be more than willing to make it earlier in the day. This may sound childish, but I am not about to "reward" his mother by giving her what she wants beacuse of the FITS she has thrown and the disrespect she has show both of us. She needs to learn she is not going to get her way by acting childish. If I give into her childish behavior now because she has acted the way she has, then that will set me up for more drama in mine and my fiance's future. Both of us agreed that she WILLNOT continue to treat us like this after we are married. 

Same goes for my parents. We will not put up with them controlling us. They are paying for this wedding and if they don't want alochol there, then we respect that. However, we have had multiple issues through our relationship and wedding planning ect, that we have made clear to them they do not have control over and they need to deal with that on their own.

Each family has their own issues, and we are not going to favor one over the other with different attitudes. We are being respectful but firm with both sides in any and all situations. We are all adults and it is important to us that our parents see and respect that we are making decisions together as a couple and our decisions are ultimately what is going to make us happy whether that be the wedding, where we live, how we live, when we visit, who we visit first, who we visit longer, ect. We are both very close to our families regardless as to the situations, thus why we so desperately want a resolution. We are both big family people and we are doing what we can to not burn more bridges but build fences.

meaganandchad

I don't think that moving the wedding to during the day is necessarily rewarding his mother, although I do understand what you're saying. Reading through all of the posts, it really does seem like your parents are very our way or nothing. But that's just the jist that I'm getting from what's being said. His mom plain and simple sounds like she's having issues letting her son go and is using this as her scape goat. This may sound like a dumb idea but could be a compromise for both parties...

What if you were to do a 2 or 3 pm wedding, have a "cocktail" hour afterwards for those whome would like to go and depending on when you are taking pictures this could also be the time that pictures are taken. When your fiance's mom is needed she can be in the pictures, when she is not she can be at happy hour. Your parents and family can stay by your side and don't have to deal with the acohol-and his parents can pay for the cocktail hour.

Around say 5 pm the dinner reception can start (depending on how long pictures take) and there will be no alcohol there. That way your parents still have their way and his have theirs. It may not seem like much of a compromise but the fact that you're allowing your fiance's parents to still have something they want will get you a lot further than arguing back and forth. There's also nothing wrong with saying to his mom "I have an idea for a compromise, however before anything further with the wedding is discussed, I would like to apologize for HOW things have blown up." Most likely from there, she will apologize and in all fairness it does seem like you are upset about how things have blown up so it wouldn't be a lie. I had a problem similar to this with my fiance's mom about our bridesmaids dresses (she didn't like them-big surprise) and that is exactly what I said to her and from there we were able to come to compromises so much easier. You may want an apology from her but in her eyes she wants the same from you, even if that doesn't make sense. If she won't apologize, then I really don't know what to tell you. Good Luck

ckonidak

So let me apologize now if I missed anything in the last 4 posts, but I doubted that your opinion would have changed. Either way, I feel bad for saying that I think you let your parents dictate a lot about your relationship, but now that they're willing to pay for things, that it's okay. If they refused to support you for the last 3 1/2 years, but "hey, all is forgiven now that you want to buy my forgiveness" ... I think you might be being a bit harsh on the FMIL. Granted, she's done some crappy things, but Muffin's Mom is right, you are stuck with her for better or worse the rest of your life. It seems like your parents being unwilling to compromise may be worse on your relationship than you're anticipating. But since all your posts have glossed over your parent's being AS stubborn as everyone else in the situation, I don't think you'll be willing to give up your PPD since someone else is paying for it. Not that I can blame you entirely, because my dad is paying 75% of my and FI's wedding, but I wouldn't accept that money if it would do nothing but tear apart my FI's family, even if it is over something as silly as alcohol (which, as great as it is for you if you don't care about it, lots of people do want to drink at a wedding, hence why everyone is suggesting an earlier start time).

I'm sorry, I know this has been harsh, but it's hard to read all the great suggestions from other PP's, but see you making excuses. You've clearly made your decision, now just stick to it and accept the consequences.

jcamm11

Honestly, it's starting to come off more like you want validation to punish your FMIL than a solution at this point.  I agree with ckonidak, you've been given a lot of great suggestions, and found an excuse to shoot them all down.

You can't change how people behave or how they feel.

carlock.kelsey

Sorry if I sound defensive, but I'm not looking for validation on anything and I'm not trying to "punish" her. If i wanted validation, I'd just continue to vent to my selected friends about it who are only agreeing wtih me instead of helping me find a solution. I do want a solution. Thus why I am asking people who are completely neutral on the situation. I tried my best to give all sides of the situation so you could understand where everyone stands and how they feel to help give me the best solution. What I guess is difficult for most of you to understand or know is that I have already been given all these suggestions from friends and have tried a majority of them and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I have said multiple times that I have offered on more than one occation to make the wedding earlier in the day so they can host something later, and that wasn't good enough for her.

Now that I have gone through hell and back with his parents on it, I REALLY don't want to go through hell and back with my parents over it either. AND i know i will if it has to be discussed more. I have thought of more ways than one to get this worked out. I don't want this on me, I can't handle it.. clearly.

All I can do is adjust my timeline to earlier in the day and put that offer on the table for them. And yes, by earlier in the day that could be a lunch or early dinner recpetion, i still think that is more than reasonable. It is not an option for us to elope and forget all the planning we have done so far.  A lot of money has already been put down and I am not about to have my parents lose all of that money.

When my fiance gets back here I am going to talk to him about it more. I haven't been able to discuss much of this with him since we can't talk every day or every three days for that matter. He is just basically up to date on all of the info minus the news I found out today. If he feels strongly that he wants me to try talking with my parents again, than I will. If he feels his parents are getting out of hand and he wants to tell them to back off, he can. He is going to help handle this when he is back in the states. He knows what this is doing to me and he doesn't want to continue to deal with it anymore than I do.

His dad sent him an email on Sunday saying that if it was our choice not to have alcohol at the wedding, than they have to respect that. I appreciate that, but I know that will possibly come with strings attached in the future and I want this resolved.

I think Meganandchad made a good point. I need to appoligize for the way things have gone down, not neccessarily for anything I or my fiance have done or decided. I don't want any of this. They have been amazing inlaws for 3.5 years and I am not about to let booze mess up a great relationship we have. When we speak with them next, we will make sure they understand our side of all of this instead of me just saying, thats just how it is going to be.

I think they need to understand that we are seeing them as allowing booze to be the focal point instead of our commitment together and our families joining together. They also need to see that we are trying to respect both sides with our compromise, and give our final compromise. We want to respect the fact that my parents are paying for this and they don't want alcohol there. We want to respect that they have been as great as they have been throughout our relationship and while they want alcohol there, they are not hosting the actual reception and are more than welcome to host something following were they can plan that evening however they desire. While alochol is being shown as the issue. I know it is more than that. They feel betrayed. It is the one thing they have asked of our day, and they have been more than loving and kind to me making me feel welcomed and part of the family from the beginning. It would only be right to allow them to have the alochol there, however we are not paying for the wedding.

With that said, it does not excuse their behavior, just as my parents behavior of a lack of support if you want to call it, is not excuse. I made it clear to my parents that I was not okay with their attitudes and in the end while I respect their opinion, I will make my own decisions. We are doing the same with his parents.

Please tell me if I am being unreasonable with this. I am really trying here to be as neutral minded if you will, on my feelings about their attitudes lately so I can focus on a solution. While I am extremely hurt by the recent occurance as well as feeling betrayed by the information I have come to know of today, I know in time we will have to discuss all this in person together and I will not be able to leave that conversation without a resolution. This needs to move forward and we all need to be excited about what the day is representing and signifying. God knows I and my fiance had hurt feelings by my parents and we had to put that aside and focus on the relationship that WAS there and try to build something. He is afterall marrying into my family, not just marrying me.

Through all of this I am thankful more than words can describe for my fiance and our support for each other. By support I don't always mean agreeing with each other and basically validating eithers attitudes. If there has been anything I have learned in our relationship is that we have to rely on the other to be our rational side when the other may not want to accept or see it. We are on the same page with our feelings being hurt, our compromise, wanting a resolution, wanting to respect both parents wishes, and just focusing on what that day is for us. 
He wants to just say screw his parents and have nothing to do with them when he is back home this time, but he and I know that is just him being angry. He and I both know that will not be an option either, this needs to be resolved. I had that attitude with my parents periodically throughout our relationship and he was my voice of reason telling me, THEY ARE YOUR PARENTS you can't let this destroy the 24 years you have had with them, so I have done the same for him.

jcamm you are right, you can't change how people behave or how they feel. All I CAN do is change how I respond to my own feelings and how I choose to deal with others behaviors. That is what I am trying to do.

LuluP82

Look, you said she wanted to host a dinner and dancing reception for you. Why not have a beautiful morning wedding followed by a brunch with all the decorations, etc that youwant, and then LET your MIL host an evening party with drinks and dancing, since she offered? She can invite everyone who was there at the wedding and reception the daytime, and your relatives can decline if they wish (though I find that ridiculously close minded, to refuse to be at a dinner because there's alcohol there).

Honestly, dry weddings aren't big dance parties, normally. And I can totally see her point, because her family and friend probably associate evening/dinner weddings with party and party with alcohol. And they might think it was out of "cheapness" that you didn't host alcohol.

You keep saying you want to compromise, but you're not compromising at all. When your parents weren't involved and not supportive, and you took her to the wedding expo, were you planning a dry event then? Or did YOU do a complete 180 after your parents came around? (which is what it sounds liketo me from your posts)

Frankly-- you may not want to read this-- but one of my parents' friends' son married a girl from a very Christian family. They drove to the wedding an hour and a half to the middle of nowhere in Mississippi. They got there and there was a dry reception. My parents to this DAY still talk about how annoyed they are that they drove all that way. My parents' friends were apologizing the entire time. OF COURSE my parents were very graceful guests...but when we were planning my wedding, they were so concerned about an open bar because of this particular wedding.

I think your MIL is just hurt. Yeah she's making a big deal about booze, but so are your parents! Just because theirs is a religious conviction, it's okay??? That I don't get.

carlock.kelsey

First, if she was to host something like you have  said, it would just be her friends that would be invited. They wouldn't even be able to afford a dj, so there wouldn't be dancing, which would then bring us full circle if the concern here is that those who want to drink wont be "loosened" up enough to dance. It would literally be food and booze, thus why my fiance and I thought an evening cocktail hour was more than reasonable. That way they could have hors' dvors and drinks and mingle and hang out like any other normal cocktail hour. On top of that, we thought the fact that we gave the suggestion for it to be back in their home town ( which is only right at an hour from the ceremony and reception), it would allow more people to drink and not have to worry about not drinking much if at all because they would have to be driving home.

Since it IS only an hour away, his mom made it clear that many people would not be drinking because they would have to drive and wouldn't want to pay for a hotel since it isn't that far of a drive. Now I know her thought from that is, so why not have a bar, people won't be getting wasted if that is what my concern is. My view is, then what is the point? If you are drinking to loosen up or to just get drunk, clearly you wouldn't be at a point to drive at least for awhile or later into the night. Which once again brings us back to our compromise with them about hosting something back in their area. On top of that, then there needs to be no question or concern as to why they are only inviting their friends to the evening cocktail hour.

It wouldn't be a matter of my parents not attending, it would be they wouldn't be invited. That is his parents own choice. One, they understand and respect the fact that my parents may or may not choose to not be around alcohol, but  two,they would not be able to afford to invite all of the wedding guests. Which anyone my fiance and I are inviting could frankly care less that there isn't alcohol there. They are there to support us on the day and will be there regardless as to whether or not they can drink. And yes, we have discussed it with close friends what their honest opinion is on it. Some could care less and others said yeah it would be great if it was there, but its not a big deal. (that coming from college guys who love their drinking)

I understand his parents point, but with that said, I have been to weddings with alcohol and they have been boring. I have been to weddings with alcohol as a non drinker and everyone had a great time. On the flip side I have experienced the same with weddings without the booze. If people are coming to our wedding or not coming for that matter, because there isn't booze then they don't need to be there. If people can't have a good time with friends and family because they have to be tipsy to trashed to have a good time, then don't come. 

If his parents still have their concerns that there will not be alcohol there, and they are not wanting to work with the compromise we have presented, then when their daughter gets married they can make sure they have an open bar at her wedding.

I have taken everyones opinions into consideration. There were many things that have been repeated over and over that are either not possible, or are taking place or being considered to work with our innital compromise.

- eloping. period
- eloping and having each set of parents host their own reception (which if my fiance andI can figure out our crazy summer schedules it could be a possibility. I will also still be discussing that with him to see if it could work with our schedules)
- just beer and wine
- cash bar
- bar only open before dinner (cocktail hour before instead of after)
- bar in another room at same location
- not having my parents pay and having his instead (would be leaving out our whole invite list and just be exclusively his parents friends, which we don't really know)
- Us paying for what we could afford (which is barely anything)
- further discussing it with my parents (which is still a possibility)
- Changing the time (which is going to happen, not sure of specific timeline yet)
- option for a champagne toast (which can still be discussed)

I have also been given more suggestions that have not been mentioned here. I appreciate all the imput from all sides.  For those who chose to actually read my previous post will see that I have made my decision to first and foremost discuss in detail everything with my fiance. He will hear what my final thoughts for what our compromise could be and we will figure something out together. if you don't know what that is, you can read my last post. I appreciate all of the comments and  have taken them all into consideration at some point as difficult as that has been to do.

My fiance and I have amazing friends and have had a huge support system through our relationship. They have seen all the struggles we have been through with both sets of parents and want nothing more than to be able to celebrate our relationship on our wedding day with us. It wouldn't matter to them the location whether there was food, or booze or dancing or favors or anything. Now of course everyone wants to go to a wedding that provides all the goodies including alcohol for some, but that is not always the case. When that person gets married or whatever wedding they end up paying for, then they can make sure they have their desires prioritized just as we have tried to do. At some point we have to lay it all out and then move forward. If it does not move forward there will be more stress than any of us will be able to handle on the big day and the hurt feelings and offensive comments (from everyone) will continue on throughout our marriage.

JessicaE84

I think some previous posters have said this but it has to be said again. Peopel should be coming to your wedding because they love you and your FI and want to celebrate a special time in your lives, not because they want to get drunk. Personally, I would not want my own wedding to be dry, but I would not be offended if I went to a wedding that was.

My FIL have had some issues with our wedding (i.e. not getting married in church, etc.) and we have tried our best to compromise but, at the end of the day, it is my parents who are footing the entire bill. Unfortunately, whoever is paying for the wedding typically gets the final say.

Would your FIL be willing to pay for the bar bill? And, if so, would your parents be okay with it being there if wasn't on their dime? With all respect, nobody is going to force them to drink it and I imagine that your FIL are not going to become wasted disasters just because they have a few drinks at the reception.