My mom doesn't seem to want my FMIL very involved,

severson

I have been engaged for a very short time, but we've decided to only have a 6 month engagement so we've already jumped on the planning. One problem that I'm having though is that every time I mention my soon to be MIL being involved with something my mom seems to be a little upset.  She's made several comments like, "well... we'll figure it out and let them know", and even when I didn't mention them specifically she has said "well usually it's the bride's side of the family that does things, not the grooms side (talking about my grandparents at her own wedding). She was even a little weird about me saying I wanted to try on her wedding dress while my favorite aunt (dad's sister) and father's parents will be in town so they can feel involved. I know that I definitely want my MIL involved, my SIL is going to be one of my bridesmaids. I've known them for 5 years and we're really close and all live in the same town, so it's like they're family already. I love them too, and they'll be a part of my family soon, plus I feel like this isn't just my wedding it's his as well, and his family should be involved or at least have a say on some things. Is this normal, for her to be upset about them being involved, or for me to want them involved? I know that my mom's excited about this time just between us, but I don't know why she seems so upset about my FI's family's involvement.  I'm so confused. Sorry this turned out a little long. Thanks in advance for any advice.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-doesnt-want-fmil-very-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd987d47-166d-4519-8f91-2f74c8b14242Post:9274fca6-95a6-4b38-a761-492fa739bd47">Mom doesn't want FMIL to be very involved.</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been engaged for a very short time, but we've decided to only have a 6 month engagement so we've already jumped on the planning. One problem that I'm having though is that every time I mention my soon to be MIL being involved with something my mom seems to be a little upset.  She's made several comments like, "well... we'll figure it out and let them know", and even when I didn't mention them specifically she has said "well usually it's the bride's side of the family that does things, not the grooms side (talking about my grandparents at her own wedding). She was even a little weird about me saying I wanted to try on her wedding dress while my favorite aunt (dad's sister) and father's parents will be in town so they can feel involved. I know that I definitely want my MIL involved, my SIL is going to be one of my bridesmaids. I've known them for 5 years and we're really close and all live in the same town, so it's like they're family already. I love them too, and they'll be a part of my family soon, plus I feel like this isn't just my wedding it's his as well, and his family should be involved or at least have a say on some things. Is this normal, for her to be upset about them being involved, or for me to want them involved? I know that my mom's excited about this time just between us, but I don't know why she seems so upset about my FI's family's involvement.  I'm so confused. Sorry this turned out a little long. Thanks in advance for any advice.
Posted by severson[/QUOTE]
Well, this really isn't Mom's call.  So tell Mom that FILs will be involved and if she doesn't like it, well, tough.  I don't mean to sound harsh but if you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to involve your FILs without Mom's permission. <div>
</div><div>ETA: I do agree w/ Tricia that some things should be just the two of you.  A wedding dress shopping/fitting is actually a perfect mom-daughter event.  It's not a great time to bring a lot of people and, sorry to say, no one really wants to watch a future niece/etc. try on clothes, even if it is a wedding dress.  But mom <strong>does</strong>.  Maybe limit that to the two of you.  </div>

tldh

I think your mom wants something with this wedding that is just the two of you.  Trying on her wedding dress would have been the perfect opportunity instead you want to do this with her ILs there.

My mom was 600 miles away while I was planning so I went home and looked for a dress with only her.  Keep in mind that their daughter's wedding is a big deal for moms.  Why don't you just ask her why she is so uncomfortable with your FILs being involved in the planning.

Another important component to this is who is paying?

GeauxTigers17

I've been engaged about a month and my mom did this at first - to the point that she made it very clear that while the RD was all about the future in-laws, she didn't want them to have anything to do with the wedding (I come from an incredibly traditional, southern family...she's just "that way"). I feel the same way about the wedding as you do - I definitely don't think of it as "mine" or even "ours" - both of our families have a huge interest in this. 

She has considerably relaxed, I have to say. Give it some time and don't bring it up a lot. I deal with it like this - I call my FMIL, let her know what's going on, and ask if she's got an opinion (she never does, they live far away and I think she's just happy she doesn't have to do it, to be honest) but I just don't tell my mom - she doesn't need to know I talked to her. If there is something my FMIL wants, and I'm fine with it, it becomes *mine and fiancé's* idea and my mom doesn't find out where it came from. Maybe some people think this is subterfuge, but it keeps everybody happy and drama out of my life.

I agree with PP though that some things, you should let her have. For my mom, it's the flowers and the invitations (we both love stationery, I know, it's weird) but other things, she's a lot more flexible on. 

And by "let her have" I mean "let that be something that you do just the two of you."

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-doesnt-want-fmil-very-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd987d47-166d-4519-8f91-2f74c8b14242Post:d2d7e461-0da5-44b5-b238-1b904ed172e4">Re: Mom doesn't want FMIL to be very involved.</a>:
[QUOTE]Another important component to this is who is paying?
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

This. Nine times out of ten, money comes with strings.

LoveMuffins

It sounds to me like your Mom, instead of feeling like you're welcoming new family in, feels like she's being pushed out. While it's great that you want to include your new family in a lot of things, your Mom has probably been dreaming of the day her daugther gets married and how wonderful it's going to be to share her wisdom, advice and special moments with you. It sounds like she's feeling a little pushed aside on a lot of those moments.

Maybe the first time you try on her dress, have it be just the two of you. Then if you still want to show it to your Future In-Laws, ask them when they get there if they'd like to see it, and then  ask your Mom to help you get into it. That way, they get to see it, she'll still know that she saw you in it FIRST, and she'll feel like she's getting to present her daughter in her wedding dress to them, rather than feeling like she's having to share what is often an intimate mother/daughter moment.

Muffin'sMom

Another way to do it is what we did.  We made an appointment at Davids and invited the bridal party, MIL, MOB...whomever wanted to come.  My daughter tried on whatever anyone thought was pretty...a little bit of everything.  Then we all went out to lunch.  It was a fun time, great lunch, everyone felt involved.  THEN, my daughter and I went to several other salons until we found the DRESS 

Everyone happy! 

Also a PP had a point.  Talk to your FMIL, ask her feedback, listen to her opinions.  You don't have to tell your mom.  She's probably just feeling a little possessive right now.  My granddad used to say...you shouldn't lie, but you don't have to tell everything you know.

marissa_claire

I think your mom is probably a little clingy because you (her little girl) are getting married.  She probably just wants this to be a special time for the two of you.  

I would see about making some of the things just mom + me time.  I'm not saying everything, I'm not saying one thing, but I think she just wants to be close to you right now and I don't see anything wrong with giving that to her.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-doesnt-want-fmil-very-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:cd987d47-166d-4519-8f91-2f74c8b14242Post:e934dc7a-07b8-4fb1-9007-6a5fcb72b5e8">Re: Mom doesn't want FMIL to be very involved.</a>:
[QUOTE]Another way to do it is what we did.  We made an appointment at Davids and invited the bridal party, MIL, MOB...whomever wanted to come.  My daughter tried on whatever anyone thought was pretty...a little bit of everything.  Then we all went out to lunch.  It was a fun time, great lunch, everyone felt involved.  THEN, my daughter and I went to several other salons until we found the DRESS  :) Everyone happy!  Also a PP had a point.  Talk to your FMIL, ask her feedback, listen to her opinions.  You don't have to tell your mom.  She's probably just feeling a little possessive right now.  My granddad used to say...you shouldn't lie, but you don't have to tell everything you know.
Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]

A friend of mine was a bridal consultant.  I cannot tell you how much she and other consultants hate it when brides come to play dress up.  It takes up their time and they have no chance of making a sale.  They work on commission and have monthly sales goals.

And in OP's case, what happens if she finds THE dress in the morning before she and mom go off on their own?

trix1223

I'm going to speak here as someone who has been both MOG and MOB.  Your mom needs to realize that a wedding day is about a bride AND and groom, and that it's a very important and meaningful day for the parents of the groom as well.

Fortunately, our wonderful DIL and her mom realized that, and included us in all aspects of planning the wedding.  I wouldn't have dreamed of going dress shopping with DIL and her mom, as I think that's a very mother/daughter thing to do.

But venue?  flowers?  menu?  invitations?  favors?  I was included in all the discussions about those things.

And as MOB, I encouraged our DD to include her FMIL in planning.  Again, her dress shopping was just DD and me, but everything else was fair game.  After all, it was her son's wedding as well as my DD's.

Tell  your mom from this former MOG that she's being very inconsiderate of another mom.

rjtutter

Maybe I'm the odd one out but my FMIL, Mom, and MOH all came to purchase my wedding dress.  I have a history of purchasing the first dress I try on when it comes to formal dresses (prom, etc.) and so I knew this was a likely scenario.  My mom and I specifically avoided dress shopping because she knew it was important to me to have FMIL and MOH there.

It could be that my mom is weird but she LOVED relaxing and watching me try on dresses with FMIL while my MOH helped me into all the dresses.  She said it was incredible to share it with FMIL.  I'm really appreciative that she was so supportive because FMIL only has boys, and wore her mother's gown for her wedding, so this was her first (and possibly only) wedding dress shopping experience!

Maybe try to show your mom that by involving the whole family it doesn't mean she's any less important?  Would FMIL / your mom get along?  Have they met?

severson

So, tonight my family had dinner at my fiance's family's house. Things were great. I asked my sister to be my maid of honor and my soon to be sister in law to be one of my bridesmaids. My mom seemed like everything was great! I think it was just a little like some of you have been saying, that maybe my mom just was a little upset at first that she was loosing her little girl or something. I don't know things seem great between the families and I'm so very happy!