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Bridesmaid refuses to wear any of the 30+ dress choices

One of my bridesmaids is being very difficult about the bridesmaid dress selection.  I’ve selected dresses from a large dress company and given bridesmaids a choice of any dress in a certain fabric and color.  My problem bridesmaid has informed me that none of these dress choices (I stopped counting at 30) will fit her body type.  These dresses are available in plus sizes, but she is not a plus size, nor is she the largest body type in the wedding party.  I’ve already made a few changes to my wedding plan to accommodate her schedule and I wondering if I should tell her she no longer belongs in my wedding party.  Is this too harsh?

Re: Bridesmaid refuses to wear any of the 30+ dress choices

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    tldhtldh member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yes it's too harsh.  What is at the root of your friend's body image problems?  Try to work on this with her like you would with any friend.  Find out what kind of dress she would be comfortable in and see if you can make it work.
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    TheCranberryTheCranberry member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Is she usually this picky?  Does she have a body type that is really difficult to fit?  What are her issues with the dress?  It seems unreasonable that she can't find one dress out of 30+ that will fit.  Either she's crazy or there's something else going on (she's not comfortable with the price/color/something like that). 

    If she won't tell you what the real deal is, then just tell her she has to do her best to pick a dress out of the selection.  If she does, she does, if not, she's decided not to be in the wedding.   
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    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No, you should not tell her that she should no longer be in the wedding.  That not only is completely uncalled for, it won't make her see the light or apologize.  She'll only hate you and end the friendship.

    Have you asked her what kind of dress would work with her body type?  That ought to call her bluff--she can either show you something that will work (and buy it in a coordinating color) or force her to shut up and work with one of 30 choices.  

    An aside: Is she normally difficult like this?  Or is this a complete change of character?
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    edited December 2011
    If you are letting them choose the dress but in a certain material and color then let her know she has until a certain date to pick a dress. If she doesn't order it then she is excluding herself. 
    Anniversary
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    tidetraveltidetravel member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Has she actually been to try any of them on?  Dresses look a lot different in person than on a model, and often, some styles that one thinks wouldn't work actually do.

    I think that you've been more than fair.  If she won't choose one of the 30, I'd say that she has excused herself from the wedding.
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    ootmother2ootmother2 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-wear-of-30-dress-choices?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d111e51b-86fa-4bb1-936a-6dde95a40652Post:2a508cfe-33af-4818-9125-52806fa70a38">Re: Bridesmaid refuses to wear any of the 30+ dress choices</a>:
    [QUOTE]Has she actually been to try any of them on?  Dresses look a lot different in person than on a model, and often, some styles that one thinks wouldn't work actually do. I think that you've been more than fair.  If she won't choose one of the 30, I'd say that she has excused herself from the wedding.
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

    THIS ^
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    orangecrush32orangecrush32 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yeah I'd talk with her and see why she thinks this and ask her to show you what would work. Also, like someone else said make her try them on even if she thinks she hates them because sometimes it looks way better on than hanging up.

    DO NOT kick her out. Talk with her and get things sorted out. It's just a dress. It's not worth your friendship.
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    kimp67kimp67 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-wear-of-30-dress-choices?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d111e51b-86fa-4bb1-936a-6dde95a40652Post:2a508cfe-33af-4818-9125-52806fa70a38">Re: Bridesmaid refuses to wear any of the 30+ dress choices</a>:
    [QUOTE]Has she actually been to try any of them on?  Dresses look a lot different in person than on a model, and often, some styles that one thinks wouldn't work actually do. I think that you've been more than fair.  If she won't choose one of the 30, I'd say that she has excused herself from the wedding.
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

    Ditto pps,,,,THIS!!
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    Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The MOH is the coordinator of the BMs.  Have your MOH contact her and see what the situation is. 

    If she just needs help - like going to the dress shop with MOH and see which dress fits her body best, then MOH can do that. 

    If she needs to be frank and open with someone about how she really doesn't want to be a BM and she's using "ugly dresses" as her excuse, then she can tell MOH without hurting your feelings, and get off the hook by backing out to MOH - not to you.
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-wear-of-30-dress-choices?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d111e51b-86fa-4bb1-936a-6dde95a40652Post:f2aaa620-f9c8-4c3c-bfc0-8d357d9f9627">Re: Bridesmaid refuses to wear any of the 30+ dress choices</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>The MOH is the coordinator of the BMs.  Have your MOH contact her and see what the situation is.</strong>  If she just needs help - like going to the dress shop with MOH and see which dress fits her body best, then MOH can do that.  If she needs to be frank and open with someone about how she really doesn't want to be a BM and she's using "ugly dresses" as her excuse, then she can tell MOH without hurting your feelings, and get off the hook by backing out to MOH - not to you.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]
    No.  The MOH should not be contacting someone she likely doesn't even know about such a sensitive issue.  I would be mortified if my MOH had done anything like that.

    I agree with asking her to give you some examples of dresses that would be agreeable to her.  Even if you don't end up selecting one of those, it should give you an idea of the direction that you need to look in.  I would hope that she and her feelings matter more to you than having a particular dress.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-wear-of-30-dress-choices?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d111e51b-86fa-4bb1-936a-6dde95a40652Post:2a508cfe-33af-4818-9125-52806fa70a38">Re: Bridesmaid refuses to wear any of the 30+ dress choices</a>:
    [QUOTE]Has she actually been to try any of them on?  Dresses look a lot different in person than on a model, and often, some styles that one thinks wouldn't work actually do. I think that you've been more than fair.  If she won't choose one of the 30, I'd say that she has excused herself from the wedding.
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

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    edited December 2011
    It sounds to me like she's trying to excuse herself from the wedding. C'mon- 30 dresses and she can't find one she's happy with? Sounds like there's more going on.
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    edited December 2011
    Happy or not this is not her day wear the dress!!! and when it's her wedding she can wear the dress of her dreams!
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    edited December 2011
    I am going through something kind of similar and I told all my BMs that they should purchase their dress by a certain date to make sure it arrives on time, I figure if my difficult BM doesn't purchase it on time than she has taken herself out of the wedding and its no skin off my back. Just try and talk to her about it once more and then give her a deadline and let her decide on her own whats she going to do.
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    edited December 2011

    To me it sounds like you might have  Bridesmaid-zilla problem on your hand. I was a bridesmaid in a wedding last year where one of the other Bridesmaids tried to take over. She had problems with the dresses, she had problems with this, she had problems with that. Even more unacceptable was the fact that she wasn't even paying for her dress, the MOB was, but that didn't stop her from making the shopping experience absolutely miserable.

    You say that you've already granted her some concessions about YOUR special day. personally I do not think you are being a bridezilla if you want to kick her out of the wedding, but you might want to sit down and have a heart to heart with her first. Tell her firmly that if she is unable to choose her own dress that you will be more than happy to go with her and pick one out, but that if you two do that, she will have to get the dress that you pick.

    I will say this, the girl that i mentioned before was possibly the worst bridesmaid ever, to the point where it ended all friendships between her and the other bridesmaids, and to this day the bride says she wishes that when that bridesmaid had (in a fit of guilt-tripping) said "Do you just want me out of your wedding?" that she had said yes, instead of convincing her to stay in it. This girl arleady sounds like she's trying to make your special day about her, and you're letting her do it.

    If you're worried that maybe you're overreacting, I would suggest asking the other bridesmaids and your maid of honor their honest opinoins. tell them you won't get angry, that you just want to make sure they had plenty of options for their dresses, and also ask how it has been to be part of a group of bridesmaids with this girl in it. from what you've already said, i'll bet she's already knocked boots with at least one or two of your other girls. if this is behavior is her usual... then you aren't going to be missing anything from the friendship if that's the way things go.

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    reason00reason00 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't think a dress issue is worth terminating her role in the party unless she specifically says she doesn't want to be in it.

    I'd go with the other suggestions on talking to her about the issue with the dresses. Maybe she's self-conscious about something such as arms being exposed, cleavage etc...
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-wear-of-30-dress-choices?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d111e51b-86fa-4bb1-936a-6dde95a40652Post:a403c8b8-b50e-49c3-9819-bafb81498fec">Re: Bridesmaid refuses to wear any of the 30+ dress choices</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds to me like she's trying to excuse herself from the wedding. C'mon- 30 dresses and she can't find one she's happy with? Sounds like there's more going on.
    Posted by lindsaynewbride10[/QUOTE]
    But we don't have enough information to say that it's really that wide a selection.  I could find 30 separate but nearly identical bridesmaid dresses with a few minutes on Google Image Search.  If she has a selection of 30 tea length dresses to choose from and she can't stand tea length, of course she's not going to like any of them.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-wear-of-30-dress-choices?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d111e51b-86fa-4bb1-936a-6dde95a40652Post:e652b60b-7a1d-4a45-9316-3f63f065146a">Re: Bridesmaid refuses to wear any of the 30+ dress choices</a>:
    [QUOTE]To me it sounds like you might have  Bridesmaid-zilla problem on your hand. I was a bridesmaid in a wedding last year where one of the other Bridesmaids tried to take over. She had problems with the dresses, she had problems with this, she had problems with that. Even more unacceptable was the fact that she wasn't even paying for her dress, the MOB was, but that didn't stop her from making the shopping experience absolutely miserable. <strong>You say that you've already granted her some concessions about YOUR special day. personally I do not think you are being a bridezilla if you want to kick her out of the wedding, but you might want to sit down and have a heart to heart with her first. </strong>Tell her firmly that if she is unable to choose her own dress that you will be more than happy to go with her and pick one out, but that if you two do that, she will have to get the dress that you pick. I will say this, the girl that i mentioned before was possibly the worst bridesmaid ever, to the point where it ended all friendships between her and the other bridesmaids, and to this day the bride says she wishes that when that bridesmaid had (in a fit of guilt-tripping) said "Do you just want me out of your wedding?" that she had said yes, instead of convincing her to stay in it. <strong>This girl arleady sounds like she's trying to make your special day about her, </strong>and you're letting her do it. If you're worried that maybe you're overreacting,<strong> I would suggest asking the other bridesmaids and your maid of honor their honest opinoins. tell them you won't get angry, that you just want to make sure they had plenty of options for their dresses, and also ask how it has been to be part of a group of bridesmaids with this girl in it. </strong>from what you've already said, i'll bet she's already knocked boots with at least one or two of your other girls. if this is behavior is her usual... then you aren't going to be missing anything from the friendship if that's the way things go.
    Posted by RastUmbarger[/QUOTE]

    *headdesk*

    No, just, no.  Please lurk first before giving advice.

    Firstly, it it NOT "your day."  It's the FI's day too.  And as soon as you involve other people, it ceases being "your day."   If you want it to just be about you and FI, then that's what a JOP is for.

    Secondly, if the OP has a problem with this BM, it is very immature to suggest she go behind said girl's back and ask the other members of the BP their opinions on the "offending" BM or her dress choices.  The only reasons to do this are for the OP to seek validation or to gang up on BM, both of which are immature and very high school.  This is the kind of issue that should only be between OP and BM, no one else, and it's unnecessary and overdramatic to invite other hands to stir the pot.

    And lastly, issues like this are not a good reason to kick out the BM.  If the BM slept with the groom or something along those lines, then sure it's fine to kick out the BM.  But kicking out a BM is a friendship-ending move.  And I'm sorry, but the wedding is a party, and it is irresponsible to suggest that BM should be kicked out of the WP and therefore end the friendship over planning a damn party.  Just...not...worth...it.
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    edited December 2011
    To the OP, I agree with aerin.   What do the 30+ dresses look like?  If they're all a particular length or style, then no wonder she has said no to all of them. 

    Instead of sending her dresses to look at and reject, maybe you should talk to the BM and see what her objections are to the dresses you've sent her, what styles she is in fact comfortable wearing, and what her budget is, and work from there.  Maybe you two can work together to find a solution that both she and you will be comfortable with.

    ETA:  Just because BM is not plus-size, doesn't mean she doesn't have her own set of body issues.  Size and body issues are not always positively correlated.  And to answer your question, yes, it is harsh to kick her out of the WP.  Not only that, you can pretty much kiss your friendship goodbye.   I think you can work with her on this, and if having your friend stand up there with you at your wedding is important to you, it's worth doing so.
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    miaka51miaka51 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with others who say this isn't something to kick her out for.  That being said, a good friend doesn't care how they look at a friend's wedding.  I wore the ugliest dress in creation that made me simultaneously overexposed and frumpy looking to my best friend's wedding, and while I joked about it with my now fiance and some of my friends, I never said a word to her and was as supportive as I could be.  If you sit down and talk with her you may find that she is feeling sad that she isn't getting married and all the wedding stuff gets to her, or that family or work issues are stressing her out or something entirely different.  Emotions manifest in weird ways sometimes, especially with women, and its really important to get to the root of it before lashing out.  She is your friend.  You chose her for a reason.  Now hash things out and remember why you love each other!  Remember that your wedding is a blip on other people's radar even though it is the center of your world right now.  There is plenty of room in her life for something else to be interfering, and you would feel awful if you found out about it later and were insensitive to her.
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    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-wear-of-30-dress-choices?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d111e51b-86fa-4bb1-936a-6dde95a40652Post:31f90aa0-5452-4a1a-9538-da079bb923b9">Re: Bridesmaid refuses to wear any of the 30+ dress choices</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with others who say this isn't something to kick her out for.  <strong>That being said, a good friend doesn't care how they look at a friend's wedding.</strong>  I wore the ugliest dress in creation that made me simultaneously overexposed and frumpy looking to my best friend's wedding, and while I joked about it with my now fiance and some of my friends, I never said a word to her and was as supportive as I could be.  If you sit down and talk with her you may find that she is feeling sad that she isn't getting married and all the wedding stuff gets to her, or that family or work issues are stressing her out or something entirely different.  Emotions manifest in weird ways sometimes, especially with women, and its really important to get to the root of it before lashing out.  She is your friend.  You chose her for a reason.  Now hash things out and remember why you love each other!  Remember that your wedding is a blip on other people's radar even though it is the center of your world right now.  There is plenty of room in her life for something else to be interfering, and you would feel awful if you found out about it later and were insensitive to her.
    Posted by miaka51[/QUOTE]
    Not remotely true.  A good bride respects her BM's wishes and doesn't force her to wear something atrocious.  Both sides need to give a little ground, but I personally think a tie goes to the BM since she has to pay for it and wear it.
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-refuses-wear-of-30-dress-choices?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d111e51b-86fa-4bb1-936a-6dde95a40652Post:31f90aa0-5452-4a1a-9538-da079bb923b9">Re: Bridesmaid refuses to wear any of the 30+ dress choices</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with others who say this isn't something to kick her out for.  That being said, <strong>a good friend doesn't care how they look at a friend's wedding</strong>.  I wore the ugliest dress in creation that made me simultaneously overexposed and frumpy looking to my best friend's wedding, and while I joked about it with my now fiance and some of my friends, I never said a word to her and was as supportive as I could be.  If you sit down and talk with her you may find that she is feeling sad that she isn't getting married and all the wedding stuff gets to her, or that family or work issues are stressing her out or something entirely different.  Emotions manifest in weird ways sometimes, especially with women, and its really important to get to the root of it before lashing out.  She is your friend.  You chose her for a reason.  Now hash things out and remember why you love each other!  Remember that your wedding is a blip on other people's radar even though it is the center of your world right now.  There is plenty of room in her life for something else to be interfering, and you would feel awful if you found out about it later and were insensitive to her.
    Posted by miaka51[/QUOTE]
    A good friend doesn't put someone in that sort of position in the first place.  The bride doesn't get to just do whatever she wants and everyone goes along quietly because she's getting married.  The normal rules of basic human interaction and decency still apply.
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    edited December 2011
    I have to admit I'm going through a similar situation and thoughts of kicking the BM out on her @$$ are extremely tempting.  To make matters worse, the BM is my younger sister.  She has been anything but nice to me over the past 2 years, but when I got engaged in July my mom insisted that I have my sisters in the WP.  I really wanted my older sister in the WP, but absolutely dreaded having to be around my younger sister that much.  She hasn't shown any excitement about me being engaged and has made everything about the planning process super difficult. 
    The latest issue was over the dress and when I tried to talk to her about it, she fake cried to try and get her own way.  In fact, I've tried talking to her about anything and it doesn't go very well.  I actually avoid being around her and my parents have given me permission to boot her, but I know it's bad etiquette.  As much as we don't get along now, I worry that I will regret my decision to kick her out.
    So my advice to the OP is if you won't regret it, you're willing to lose her as a friend, and you would much rather have her out of your hair then you should definitely let her know that you no longer want her in the BP.  But before you do, think back to why you asked her to be part of your wedding in the first place. 
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    edited December 2011
    Whew! I offered my BM's pretty much the same options. I chose the color, the length of the dress and also added that I preffered them to have straps. The women all have sizeable chests and I'd prefer to not have breasts falling down the aisle. If they decide to not have straps then the dress needs to FIT the boobage. :-)

    I consider myself a hard-to-fit person but I have to say that women know their body type and what fits/doesn't fit them. If this BM really has tried on at least 30 dresses and none fit then she either truly has no clue of what fits her shape or she just isn't interested in wearing what you've suggested. Either way, something has to give. I had one BM who doesn't like the color I chose, not because she doesn't think it will flatter her or anything, but just because she wants to wear a different color and not even a color that was in my wedding color scheme/hue. Well umm sorry, but my wedding colors are what they are and should I change the color of ONE PERSON'S DRESS? I think not so she will either get the dress in the color given or she won't...so be it! My wedding is in June so the deadline for ordering the dress is fastly approaching. If she doesn't order the dress, then she's not interested in participating.

    There's compromise and there's downright craziness! When you ask someone to be in your wedding, you're asking them to participate in you and your FI's vision. Sometimes that vision is going to include things that others won't agree with. If it's that important to you that she be in the wedding then have an honest conversation with her as to what's keeping her from choosing a dress. People say it's not worth kicking her out of the wedding but I don't know that I agree. If it's this hard to get her to choose a dress, what other problems might arise? Just a thought...

    Good luck!!
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    cullenemcullenem member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you for your response and I appreciate your help. She's actually my step-sister and yes, she is usually this difficult.  I've tried to find additional options from the dress vendor (a few other lines that come in the same color and fabric) as well as showing her wrap and jacket options.  Unfortunately, I’ve learned that she and my step mother are are not very pleased with my decision to get married and I think her dress problem may be a manifestation or their displeasure.  Another huge problem is that my step-sister is sending me these complaints through my step-mother instead of addressing me directly.  I’ve tried to call and email her about her so we can talk about her apprehensions and to help her find something she likes, but she has not returned my calls or emails. At this point I’m not sure how to proceed with this issue if she is refusing to even communicate with me.
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    cullenemcullenem member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yes, thank you.  I think i'll have her show me some dresses she does like and then see if we can work from there. 
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    cullenemcullenem member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    The dresses are from a company called Jasmine and they may choose anything from the B2 or Belsoie lines in a certain color and fabric and they can be either knee or tea length.  They may also choose any wraps or jackets from the same company.  There are many dresses, and yes, a lot of them are similar, but there is a very large selection of cuts and straps or no straps, etc. The bridesmaids had two months to shop and decide and now the last final date to order has past.  All of the information about the dresses was communicated to each bridesmaid in person and in email form.

    More going? Yes, the girl in question is my step-sister.  She and my step-mother have been very vocal about not wanting me to get married.  I think this dress situation has a lot do do with their distaste for my upcoming marriage.

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    linneadl22linneadl22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm having a similar issue with one of my bridesmaids and I've about had it with her.  I have tried to be reasonable with her, listen to her reasons, and work with her, but she has given me too many issues that she has with EVERYTHING that I'm starting to wonder if she's the friend I thought she was.  If I were a bridesmaid and the bride wanted me to wear a pink and purple too too with my hair in piggtails, although I would feel completely ridiculous, I would wear it and tell her I felt pretty.  It's the bride's day and it's ashame that someone who is your friend is selfish enough to ruin your day.  Besides, the bride's the one that has to look at her wedding pics everyday for the rest of her life, the bridesmaids can deal for just one day, I mean really, how could someone call themself a real friend otherwise.

    I don't think you should just kick her out, but she does need to work with what you want, you're the bride and it's your day!
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