Moms and Maids

MIL out of bounds? What do I do? HELP..PLEASE!

My fiance & I have been engaged since Oct. 2009 and will marry Nov 2010. We put the deposit down for our destination wedding in Maui last year. No one offered money to help, and we our paying ourselves. I asked her for a list of immediate family members.  I explained to her we needed to combine our own list along with hers with the wedding planner to discuss price and guest list size prior to sending out Save the Date's. Not only did she ask for her best friend to come WTF!!!??? after knowing it was a small intimate affair (guess she wasn't listening?) then seemed pissed when we explained that not everyone's kid, husband or best friend can come.  She asked if it was money and if we needed any (now that her guest list is not being met!!)
I explained to her with my mother passing last September & recovering from a major health crisis of 3 years that kept me bedbound I do not want a huge event due to money, energy & that my friends & family our in another town 8 hours away.    
She asked me why even send Save the Date's out then if it's a small group, and then why not make them myself if money is a issue.  I don't really think she has any real place to be talking to me like that, let alone not listening to me when I ask to let me get a list together before we send any Save the Date's out.  I had to fight to finish a sentence.  Feel very disrespected & makes me want to not even have a wedding. Surely made me feel better about not having a larger one!!!  Do I have reason to feel uncomfortable here??? HELP??!!!

Re: MIL out of bounds? What do I do? HELP..PLEASE!

  • edited December 2011
    if you are paying you get the say. if she doesnt want to give you the list well that is her beef. you can try to get your FI to make one. I did a destination wedding too and didnt do save the dates but sent the invitations out earlier than normal. it saved money and everyone we invited knew what was going on. it is your party you can do what you want to, for the most part.
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I went through this a little bit since I am also having a very small, destination wedding.  People were rather surprised that we only wanted that many people (13) at our wedding and after getting over the initial shock of "but, all my friends won't see my lovely daughter or son get married!" things have settled down. 

    I'd explain again to your mother in law that it will be a small wedding for immediate family only, then ignore her if she continues to harp on it.  You're paying for the wedding so you can invite whomever you choose!  She'll eventually get over that your wedding wasn't what she had pictured in her mind. 
  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think your FI needs to talk to her.

    But if she's just asking for ONE friend to attend, I think she has the right to be a bit hurt.  If you're saying that her one additional requested guest is just not possible, she may be seeing that you're the inflexible one.


  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-out-of-bounds-helpplease?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d1a0bfa0-74db-4826-acf2-d52306cb1cb8Post:488729fb-1c60-43f6-8349-f5c2a22a4723">MIL out of bounds? What do I do? HELP..PLEASE!</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance & I have been engaged since Oct. 2009 and will marry Nov 2010. We put the deposit down for our destination wedding in Maui last year. No one offered money to help, and we our paying ourselves. I asked her for a list of immediate family members.  I explained to her we needed to combine our own list along with hers with the wedding planner to discuss price and guest list size prior to sending out Save the Date's. Not only did she ask for her best friend to come WTF!!!??? after knowing it was a small intimate affair (guess she wasn't listening?) then seemed pissed when<font color="#800000"><strong> we explained that not everyone's kid, husband</strong></font> or best friend can come.  She asked if it was money and if we needed any (now that her guest list is not being met!!) I explained to her with my mother passing last September & recovering from a major health crisis of 3 years that kept me bedbound I do not want a huge event due to money, energy & that my friends & family our in another town 8 hours away.     She asked me why even send Save the Date's out then if it's a small group, and then why not make them myself if money is a issue.  I don't really think she has any real place to be talking to me like that, let alone not listening to me when I ask to let me get a list together before we send any Save the Date's out.  I had to fight to finish a sentence.  Feel very disrespected & makes me want to not even have a wedding. Surely made me feel better about not having a larger one!!!  Do I have reason to feel uncomfortable here??? HELP??!!!
    Posted by markandjen2009[/QUOTE]


    Just a reminder, you can't invite someone and not include their spouse.
  • JFH2010JFH2010 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am having similar FMIL drama right now, though our wedding is not destination.  My FMIL said - this is a direct quote - "We think that anyone who's family should be allowed to come." Mind you, she has 8 siblings and FFIL has 4! Plus spouses plus kids....and FI is not close to most of them.  It's very stressful since you hope to have a good relationship with your in-laws in the future!

    I think the first step is having your FI talk to them - he should really be the one to "lay down the law." Second, if it comes up between the two of you again, remain firm but be kind and calm.  Try to keep the perspective that she's doing it out of love, and she just wants to share the day with the people she's close to.  That shouldn't trump your wish to have a smaller wedding, but it may keep you from freaking out on her!  

    I agree with PP that if it's TRULY only one person, it might be worth it to make ONE exception.  But if it's a pattern, and she's really trying to ramp up the guest list, then you definitely have to rein it in. 

     
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think your FI should be dealing with this, not you.  If you are paying then you get final say on everything, including the guestlist. 

    But, I also think that including her best friend as she requested would go a long way to making things easier.  One guest (or two, if a spouse in involved) really isn't worth all the trouble it will cause.

    I understand not allowing her to add everyone she's ever met to the list but if she is truly requesting that her best friend be invited I really fail to see why including her would be so horrible.
  • edited December 2011
    Your fiance should talk to her.  If you're paying you have the say.  

    What's the deal with her friend? Obviously I don't know your FMILs situation, but is she not married? Would she like her friend there as a date/companion? If that's the case, then - yes, she should absolutely be able to have one friend come to the wedding.  
  • edited December 2011
     It's rude to not include spouses and significant others. And for a destination wedding, you probably should include the children. If someone is willing to spend that much money to attend your Hawaiian wedding, then you should be a little more accommodating.

     Is the best friend the only guest your FMIL wants to invite? You should include her, especially if you FMIL is single, so that she has a travelling companion.

     No one is obliged to contribute financially to your wedding. If your FMIL is offering, then you may accept it and be thankful.

     She should not be questioning how you spend your money. If you want to order save the date, rather than make them. That's your business. Fi should deal with that aspect.



                       
  • edited December 2011
    I would stress that the size of your wedding is important to you. However, you might want to let her chose one best friend and spouse.  Two guests only.  It might smooth things over.  Plus, in my situation my FI and I both have Mom BFFS who are practically family and are as emotionally attached to us as any aunt or uncle.  And, frankly if I could I would trade some family.  So, just think about a little compromise.

    And, if she wants to pay the difference, why not let her.
  • tommyandytommyandy member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Invite everyone you want to be there.  Marrieds count as one.  IF they can afford to fly to Maui and get a rental and a hotel & join you that's great.  If not, send them wish you were here postcards.  What if you threw a party when you got back & invited everybody?
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards