FMIL Anxiety

mello014

My FMIL really wants to help with the wedding. She started planning things the day we got engaged. The problem is she is booking things without asking me. My FI and I weren't going to get a limo. My dad has a short bus from the daycare center he owns and he was really excited about using that instead of a limo. It sounds goofy but I'm fine with it. I mentioned it to her and she told me we weren't doing that and she went and rented a limo. I have no idea who its even with. The other thing is she already booked hair appointments for the bridal party with a hairdresser that I dont know. She also told someone we were thinking about having their child in the wedding and we hadn't even talked about it yet. 

My FI and I have talked about this a lot but and his excuse for this is "that is just the way she is". He agrees with me on everything but wont talk to her about it because he thinks it is my problem because I'm upset about it all.

Is this something I need to talk to her about or something he needs to talk to her about? Or should we do it together? He is just so used to her behaving this way that its normal for him. And I am scared of her in a way because she holds grudges or gives you the cold shoulder when she doesn't get her way. 

sarah42nd

When she says things like ' Hey . I booked a limo. ' Then you say ' Oh I am so sorry we already made other plans . But you can take the limo  if you would like.' You have a FI problem . He needs to stand up to his mother .

Allycat11

You shouldn't say something, FI should say something.  Like PP said "Oh thank you, but we made other plans" to everything she says that you don't agree with. 

vicki0508

FI needs to be addressing your concerns with his mother.  And hopefully he says things like "we made other plans" "we don't want a limo" because he really should convey that you and he are on the same page.  You don't want him going to his mom and saying "mello says we aren't having a limo" or "mello doesn't want SuzieQ to be a FG."  However, if he won't stand up to his mom now, don't expect anything to change once you get married.

allisonkbye

i would be thankful she's doing all the work for ya. she's obviously paying for it all too so i'd just go with it. 

aerinpegadrak

Your FI needs to talk to her one on one and make it clear that he's speaking for both of you.  If he refuses, you have bigger problems.

RebeccaB88

You have a MAJOR Fi problem.  He needs to go find his balls and stand up to his mother, on both of your behalf.  I would never, ever marry a man who flat out tells me he has no intention of supporting me to her.  If you go through with this, prepare for a lifetime of being second best, because he will always put his mother ahead of you.  And that is NOT right.

Forget about FMIL's antics and focus on the fact that you have a spineless wimp of a FI.  You need to do something about that first.

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-anxiety?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d23fc585-3e5d-4e2a-8bca-686cab5cb8a1Post:8c399075-050d-4778-954b-6ec582416cf6">Re: FMIL Anxiety</a>:
[QUOTE]When she says things like ' Hey . I booked a limo. ' Then you say ' Oh I am so sorry we already made other plans . But you can take the limo  if you would like.' <strong>You have a FI problem . He needs to stand up to his mother .
</strong>Posted by sarah42nd[/QUOTE]

This.

rvladams

I agree with others that have responded here--it sounds like the true root of this problem is your fiance's lack of support.  Marriage does NOT mean that the two of you stop respecting or loving your families, but it DOES mean that you are committing to support and honor each other.  If this were happening to me, I would sit down for an important talk with my fiance.  It sounds like maybe he's having a hard time transitioning from first and foremost "her son" to first and foremost "your husband," but what he's doing (or refusing to do) is hurting you.  Be calm, but make this clear: you are hurting, and he is not supporting you in making important choices. 

Hopefully, once you explain your feelings he will recognize how important support and teamwork are in these sorts of situations.  If he doesn't, or if he does but still refuses to act, I would seriously consider the possibility of postponing the wedding.  A man who will not show his respect for you now by supporting your shared views is not a man you can depend on to be there for you during life's future, greater trials.

MairePoppy

Assuming you haven't given her control over these things by allowing her to pay for them:

You and fi need to stop being afraid of fmil, immediately. Fi should put his big boy pants on and tell her to stop booking vendors and cancel the ones that she has booked because you are not using them. He sounds very immature.

If you are old enough to get married, you're old enough to stick up for yourselves. Like pps have said, tell her you have everything under control and don't get drawn into an argument over anything. If she gives you the cold shoulder or holds a grudge, trust me, you will live. Don't let her manipulate  you.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-anxiety?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d23fc585-3e5d-4e2a-8bca-686cab5cb8a1Post:270a184f-9b0b-4205-9cdb-51e7fed1b7af">FMIL Anxiety</a>:
[QUOTE]My FMIL really wants to help with the wedding. She started planning things the day we got engaged. The problem is she is booking things without asking me. My FI and I weren't going to get a limo. My dad has a short bus from the daycare center he owns and he was really excited about using that instead of a limo. It sounds goofy but I'm fine with it. I mentioned it to her and she told me we weren't doing that and she went and rented a limo. I have no idea who its even with. The other thing is she already booked hair appointments for the bridal party with a hairdresser that I dont know. She also told someone we were thinking about having their child in the wedding and we hadn't even talked about it yet.  <strong>My FI and I have talked about this a lot but and his excuse for this is "that is just the way she is". He agrees with me on everything but wont talk to her about it because he thinks it is my problem because I'm upset about it all.</strong> Is this something I need to talk to her about or something he needs to talk to her about? Or should we do it together? He is just so used to her behaving this way that its normal for him. And I am scared of her in a way because she holds grudges or gives you the cold shoulder when she doesn't get her way. 
Posted by mello014[/QUOTE]
He's not upset because he likes that she is taking care of everything. This is how it's going to be for the rest of your marriage if you don't put a stop to it now. Your fiance should be the one talking to her, not you. It's his mother, not yours and he should be talking to her about this for you as an united front.

lmwilber

Run. This boy will not even sit and talk to his mother about her behavior, not even to seek a compromise. He has allowed her to manipulate him, and now if you say anything you are the bad guy. Fi must sit down with her and express both of your concerns ( as PP have said.) If he won't I would think long and hard about marrying him. I'm sure that he is a great guy, but if he won't stand up for you now, things are only going to be worse. Wedding bands don't come with a set of balls.

zitiqueen

You know what a spineless FI who won't stand up to his mommy and refuses to put his fiancee first turns into once you slide a wedding ring on his finger? A spineless husband who won't stand up to his mommy and refuses to put his wife first who has a wedding ring on his finger.

For the rest of your life.

impslave

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-anxiety?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d23fc585-3e5d-4e2a-8bca-686cab5cb8a1Post:e2f794af-fc2b-4788-8a37-1d046da1321f">Re: FMIL Anxiety</a>:
[QUOTE]i would be thankful she's doing all the work for ya. she's obviously paying for it all too so i'd just go with it. 
Posted by allisonkbye[/QUOTE]

Uh, huh.  And then it's things like "Here's the living room set I bought for you," and it's completely not your style.  Then it's the "I've enrolled your children in [fill in the blank] school," and it's completely not what you had in mind.

FI needs to tell his mom to slow down and back off.  If the FMIL is paying for the wedding, then maybe OP and her FI should respectfully decline the funding and pay for the wedding they want themselves.

But, as PP have said, it's a FI problem first and foremost.  He needs to nut up and grow up.

mello014

Thanks for your input. I talked to my FI about it again today and he understands why he needs to talk to her.  He is planning on doing it this weekend.

Thanks again.

impslave

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-anxiety?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d23fc585-3e5d-4e2a-8bca-686cab5cb8a1Post:330c034c-6707-4c53-b2b3-cab66f02aac8">Re: FMIL Anxiety</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your input. I talked to my FI about it again today and he understands why he needs to talk to her.  He is planning on doing it this weekend. Thanks again.
Posted by mello014[/QUOTE]

I'm happy that you came back and that your FI is going to talk to his mom.  Believe me, getting her straight now will save you a lot of heartache and frustration in the future.  He doesn't have to be mean about it, but he will have to be firm.

When I first moved in with H, his mom would use her key and come into the house when we weren't home.  She said it was to bring by leftovers or whatnot, but I couldn't help but think she was spying on us.  The first and only fight I had with H was when I told him he needed to establish boundaries with his mother and his aunt (who would visit and stay over without prior notice).  He was respectful, but told them flat out that I was his future wife and that they needed to respect my place in his life.  It's been a little rocky, but now I get along relatively well with the ILs.

Best of luck to you!

R.Wilsonny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-anxiety?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d23fc585-3e5d-4e2a-8bca-686cab5cb8a1Post:66e75b3a-619a-42cd-a682-f9a996eb01c8">Re: FMIL Anxiety</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL Anxiety : Uh, huh.  And then it's things like "Here's the living room set I bought for you," and it's completely not your style.  Then it's the "I've enrolled your children in [fill in the blank] school," and it's completely not what you had in mind. FI needs to tell his mom to slow down and back off.  If the FMIL is paying for the wedding, then maybe OP and her FI should respectfully decline the funding and pay for the wedding they want themselves. But, as PP have said, it's a FI problem first and foremost.  He needs to nut up and grow up.
Posted by impslave[/QUOTE]

This.....100% correct :)

OctoberWedding41582

I agree with everyone that your fiancé needs to handle that situation. But if he's not going to, there's other ways to deal with her. Thank her, then tell her you have already made arrangements for that. Tell her that you don't want her to waste any of her money so just double check with you next time to make sure that hasn't already been taken care of. BUT, give her a list of things you wouldn't mind her taking care of. (ex. Liquor, a florist, rehearsal dinner, hotel arrangements for out of town guests and gift bags for them) That way she feels included and it keeps her preoccupied while you are making the decisions that are important to you. Best of luck! She just seems very excited. Which is a great thing! But I understand how annoying it is. Lol