Moms and Maids

FMIL & FSMIL (long, sorry)

My FI and I really want to get married in Puerto Rico. It is where my father is from and most of his family. Living in the states all of my life, my dad's family has missed out on almost every other milestone in my life, and I would love more than anything in the world to share it with them. My FI totally agrees with me, so we have been seriosuly entertaining the idea. My FMIL never learned how to manage money well and is under a lot of debt. I mean ALOT of debt. When we told her we were engaged she sounded very happy, and the first thing she asked us was whether or not we were going to P.R. When we told her we werent sure yet she said she was more than prepared to save up for it. If we do decided to go, Im worried that we will make all of our arrangements and be locked in and then she tell us she cant go b/c of money. Unfortunately she is a very manipulative person  and likes to hold grudges for a while (she didnt speak to her son for over a year over an argument over religion), I guess I just dont know how to make her understand that it is her responsibility  to get herself there and not ours. Im afraid she will take out her frustrations on her son, who deosnt deserve it.

Now onto the FSMIL: we just got engaged and her first question is whether or not my father is paying for the wedding. She literally said that first, no "congrats" or "I am so happy for you". This woman is also extremely sensitive and somehow finds a way to make every situation about her.  So how can I find a nice diplomatic way of saying Its none of your F* cking  business???

Re: FMIL & FSMIL (long, sorry)

  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-fsmil-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d2a8113a-0af6-4843-a73e-fb0fa11d4d08Post:cea8ac5e-b5bb-486b-b882-b58c1ad5c02c">FMIL & FSMIL (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI and I really want to get married in Puerto Rico. It is where my father is from and most of his family. Living in the states all of my life, my dad's family has missed out on almost every other milestone in my life, and I would love more than anything in the world to share it with them. My FI totally agrees with me, so we have been seriosuly entertaining the idea. My FMIL never learned how to manage money well and is under a lot of debt. I mean ALOT of debt. When we told her we were engaged she sounded very happy, and the first thing she asked us was whether or not we were going to P.R. When we told her we werent sure yet she said she was more than prepared to save up for it. If we do decided to go, Im worried that we will make all of our arrangements and be locked in and then she tell us she cant go b/c of money. Unfortunately she is a very manipulative person  and likes to hold grudges for a while (she didnt speak to her son for over a year over an argument over religion), I guess I just dont know how to make her understand that it is her responsibility  to get herself there and not ours. Im afraid she will take out her frustrations on her son, who deosnt deserve it. Now onto the FSMIL: we just got engaged and her first question is whether or not my father is paying for the wedding. She literally said that first, no "congrats" or "I am so happy for you". This woman is also extremely sensitive and somehow finds a way to make every situation about her.  So how can I find a nice diplomatic way of saying Its none of your F* cking  business???
    Posted by tunaep11[/QUOTE]
  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Unfortuantely there's nothing you can do about your FMIL. She's an adult and it's up to her to act like one, and hopefully she doesn't take it out on you, but if she does then just keep reminding yourself that it's not your fault. The only thing is, you need to decide as soon as possible whether or not you're going to PR for it, because you need to let her know as soon as possible. You need to at least try to give her enough time to save up for it. So make that decision asap and pass the word on. At that point, you will have done all you can do, and then she can either step up or not.

    As for your FSMIL... maybe she didn't realize how she sounded. Some people go straight into planning mode when they hear things like "We're engaged!" and they are (of course) happy for you and assume that you know that and head straight for the logistics. That being said, when someone asks something completely gauche like that, I always feel that the best answer is silence with maybe a raised eyebrow, let it linger for a moment so they have a chance to hear their words echo back at them, and then smoothly change the subject  - "John proposed in the most amazing way... etc. etc."
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  • edited December 2011
    Girlie! I am going through sort of the same thing.  My MIL can't stand me and we basically are paying for our own wedding.  So, we are having a destination wedding in Mexico.  We sent out invites including sending one to his mother.  If they can make that would be wonderful if not, it's okay.  It is my day.  Same with you, if you want to get married in Puerto Rico, it's your day! Do it.  this is it after this.  Make it yours and don't worry about the family!!
  • tidetraveltidetravel member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-fsmil-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d2a8113a-0af6-4843-a73e-fb0fa11d4d08Post:cea8ac5e-b5bb-486b-b882-b58c1ad5c02c">FMIL & FSMIL (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI and I really want to get married in Puerto Rico. It is where my father is from and most of his family. Living in the states all of my life, my dad's family has missed out on almost every other milestone in my life, and I would love more than anything in the world to share it with them. My FI totally agrees with me, so we have been seriosuly entertaining the idea. My FMIL never learned how to manage money well and is under a lot of debt. I mean ALOT of debt. When we told her we were engaged she sounded very happy, and the first thing she asked us was whether or not we were going to P.R. When we told her we werent sure yet she said she was more than prepared to save up for it. If we do decided to go, Im worried that we will make all of our arrangements and be locked in and then she tell us she cant go b/c of money. Unfortunately she is a very manipulative person  and likes to hold grudges for a while (she didnt speak to her son for over a year over an argument over religion), <strong>I guess I just dont know how to make her understand that it is her responsibility  to get herself there and not ours.</strong> Im afraid she will take out her frustrations on her son, who deosnt deserve it. Now onto the FSMIL: we just got engaged and her first question is whether or not my father is paying for the wedding. She literally said that first, no "congrats" or "I am so happy for you". This woman is also extremely sensitive and somehow finds a way to make every situation about her.  So how can I find a nice diplomatic way of saying Its none of your F* cking  business???
    Posted by tunaep11[/QUOTE]

    Generally, it's not the couple's responsibility to pay for their guest's travel arrangements to a DW.  HOWEVER.  This is your FI's MOTHER.  IMO, it's pretty shiity to make arrangements to have a DW when you know for a fact that your immediate family won't be able to afford to attend (yes, she "could" save money between now and then, but YOU know that she's bad with money and already in debt, so that's not going to happen.)  By choosing to have the wedding in PR, you are essentially guaranteeing that your FMIL will not be able to watch her son get married.  If it were my family, I would make sure that she knew that she didn't have to worry about travel arrangements - that we would take care of it for her. 
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  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Buy her flight.  Seriously, this is his Mom.  If she has her ticket, she has no excuses and no way to manipulate you.  Just buy her the ticket as a gift.  Tell her how important it is to both of you that she be there, and that you don't want her to have to worry about paying for it.

    As far as anyone asking about budgets, just say, "My family is very excited, and we're working out a budget still between what FI and I can save and what my parents are willing and able to contribute."  You're saying nothing while moving your mouth - my favorite kind of responses to dumb personal questions!

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