Family Pressure Regarding BM

michelle227

Here is the issue...my parents who are hosting the wedding are strongly insiting that I ask my yonger cousin to be a bridesmaid in my wedding party.  Thier reasoning is that I don't have a sister and she is my only girl cousin.  My thoughts are that I don't feel particularly close to her since she is 6 years younger than me and we've grown up half way across the country from eachother and see eachother twice a year or so for family functions.  I haven't gotten any comments about other family members expecting me to ask my cousin and I certainly don't think she's expecting me to ask.  But my parents are really starting to push this, eventhough I have explained that the BMs I've asked are my closest friends.

I guess my questions are....Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation, and if so what did you do?  What do you think iis the best way to handle this situation?  I have the feeling the answer is just ask the cousin to not upset the parents, since they are hosting...but I did want to get some advice from others. Thanks.

LAK011

That is too funny, because I'm actually going through the same thing. My mom and grandmother both strongly suggested (many, many times) that I ask my younger cousin to be in the bridal party. I already had 7 BMs so I made her a junior bridesmaid (she is 16). The thing is, my cousin isn't exactly excited about being involved in the wedding at all. (She's at that age, and she definitely has the attitude to go with it... haha) She'll get a dress and be up front with the WP, and mom and gma are happy. haha

I don't know if this helps at all, I just sort of rambled... but if it does, then great!

michelle227

Haha, no it wasn't rambling!  My cousin is a little too old to be a junior bridesmaid, although I wouldn't mind doing that!

Beachy730

My mom was pressuring me to have a cousin of mine because she thought it was right.  But I was not close with her at all, and refused to.  And I used the excuse with my mom that we already had even sides so I didn't want to ruin that, and I wasn't taking out a good friend of mine to have a cousin I'm not close to. 

She understood when explained it that way (even though I think even numbers are BS), and I compromised a bit by asking her to do a reading.  So maybe you can do have her do a reading. 

deepcovejackie

What Retread said.

Summer2011Bride

My future MIL approached my FI and I about having his cousins, etc. involved in the wedding somehow, but we hardly know them and have many other close friends that we wanted to include. We just said that we understood having family involved, but we could not possibly include everyone, and were not close with his cousins. It is your day and choosing your BM's, you should choose people who you are close with and who mean something to you, not just randomly pick family to stand up there. I would just explain that you are not close with her, but maybe she could do a reading during the ceremony? That way she is still included and it's kind of a compromise.

bethsmiles

maybe you could have her do a reading instead? that way she isn't a part of the WP but still a part of the wedding, it seems like a good compromise to me.

deepcovejackie

As long as she understands the content of what she's reading.  She may be a bit young to get all the implications...

AutumnFair

Personally, I get really peeved at parents who think they can pressure the Bride or Groom to have someone they don't want be it family or not (and this is the only of a very very few instances where even if they are paying for the wedding they shouldn't have a say in something personal like this).

Basically, you have to build up the courage to just address the situation with what Retread said. You really don't have the obligation to put them in your wedding if you do not want them. 

marissa_claire

I've kind of been getting the cold shoulder from some of my family because I chose the boys I used to nanny for as RBs instead of my cousin's 5-year-old.  Well, I spent every day for 2 1/2 years with these kids, whereas I see my cousin's kid once a year and he doesn't even know who I am.  I think it makes plenty of sense, but not everyone agrees. 

I would do what you want.  That's not usually my advice for wedding stuff, but when it comes to the WP you should almost always go with what you want and not be pushed into including someone you don't.  I especially think if she's younger (what age exactly?) she'll be more into things like a reading or handing out programs.  I would never ask someone over 18 to hand out programs, but younger (teenage or younger) girls tend to think that any job actually is an honor.

aknight2789

My fiance and I are having similar problems, except for the issue is his sister, which is a little more close to home. I say, it's your wedding. You pick the girls who are closest to you, who mean something to you. Don't just do something because your mom thinks it's the right thing to do. It's your day and you want it to be filled with wonderful memories with the people that you love the most!

AutumnFair

aknight, we usually suggest Bride's that if its his sister and he wants her in the WP she can be on his side. Though many Brides do put their FI's sister(s) as BMs just to keep the peace, but once again you do not have to put anyone on your side if you do not want them. People need to respect your decision even if they aren't fans of it. 

michelle227

Thanks for all the advice & suggestions!  I'm going to try and see if I can go the route of trying to suggest including the cousin by doing a reading, handing out programs, manning the guest books...something!  I was just so upset that I didn't even think of all those other possibilities.  Hopefully, it will work out that way!

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_family-pressure-regarding-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d46c53cd-e6b6-46ff-969d-7c017e7023fbPost:b630b982-d194-4b25-be7e-22b095f972ef">Re: Family Pressure Regarding BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the advice & suggestions!  I'm going to try and see if I can go the route of trying to suggest including the cousin by doing a reading, handing out programs, manning the guest books...something!  I was just so upset that I didn't even think of all those other possibilities.  Hopefully, it will work out that way!
Posted by michelle227[/QUOTE]

<div>Please don't give your cousin a meaningless job like guest book person or handing out programs, I've done them and they are boring. Unless you know her well enough that she might actually enjoy this, just either have her do a reading, if she's musically talents have her sing/play something, or even her being a female usher would be 100x better then the tedious jobs of personal attendant, guest book person, handing programs out. </div>

omalleyj20

I had a similar problem with my wedding. My fiance's family thought his goddaughter should be in the WP but I have only met her once (she lives in another state) and she's in a 19 year old crazy sorority girl phase that I obviously don't have much in common with. It just felt like it would have been very awkward and forced to have her in the WP so we compromised on her doing a reading. I think it's a really great idea to show that someone is important to either you or your fiance without having to add then in the WP.