Mother-in-law-to-be and "The List"

MARbobo7

Mother-in-law-to be seems to thing that she gets to choose who to invite to the wedding for the grooms side. She's not even trying to consider us and who the groom wants to invite. It's like she thinks that this is her wedding and not ours. I understand the grooms family is big, my (the bride) is too. That's why we are inviting 200. But what about our friends that have been there for us and grew up with us? Help?!

jerseydevil

money = strings - is she contributing financially at all?

Yes, your FMIL does get a say in who to invite - how much of a say depends on whether she is contributing or not. It's a celebration with your families, so typically people have their own list of people to invite and ask parents on both sides what their input is.

ekilzer1

Is she contributing to the wedding at all? If she is, then she has a say in who is invited. 

I totally understand having big families (My family guest list is 140 people.... I have not gotten the guest list from my FMIL, but it is most likely around 100....) But what I am having my FI do once he gets the guest list is look it over- if he has never heard of the person before or it is a "family friend" he has only met once, they aren't invited and I will be having him explain that to his mother.

IMO, family is family- you can't invite one aunt and not invite another- same with cousins.... you are asking for family issues. Obviously if she is inviting his great aunt who he has only met once when he was 10, she is far off on the family  tree and can be cut. 

Whatever you do- make sure your FI approaches her about this. You do not want to start any riffs with his Mom this early. 

Cynthia1207

Well parents do get a say in who to invite.  If it's family, there really isn't anything you can do about it but if she's starting to invite her friends that neither you nor FI are particularly close to, you can ask her to invite a maximum of say 1 table of her friends.

Beachy730

My answer depends on how much she is contributing to the wedding.  If you just you and your FI are paying for the wedding, you can give her a number of guests she is allowed to invite.  Say "we are giving both sets of parents a total of 30 people total that they would like invited, so pleast give us a list of the 30 people and addresses ASAP."  But make it fair between parents.

If she and your parents are both contributing, then I would suggest dividing the guest list into thirds.  1/3 your parents decide, 1/3 his decide, and 1/3 for you and your FI to decide. 

If just your parents are paying, then I would still give her a set amount she is allowed to invite.  It doesn't have to be even though. 

MairePoppy

dnbeach's answer is perfect.

mellimel19

If the groom's parents are contributing, as others mentioned, obviously they get a say. If they're not contributing at all, then I think that you and your FI have the right to veto anyone she adds to the guest list that you guys don't want to invite. Sure, to keep the peace you should listen to her input and try to be as accomodating as you can be, but she doesn't get free reign.

trix1223

Read what dnbeach said, but use my voice.  Because it's what I would have said.

ChanelShades

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d4e6fa32-23cf-4207-8e39-12e81bb2e245Post:4774ee5c-b571-42e2-ac86-d68d8b1cb9fd">Re: Mother-in-law-to-be and "The List"</a>:
[QUOTE]My answer depends on how much she is contributing to the wedding.  If you just you and your FI are paying for the wedding, you can give her a number of guests she is allowed to invite.  Say "we are giving both sets of parents a total of 30 people total that they would like invited, so pleast give us a list of the 30 people and addresses ASAP."  But make it fair between parents. If she and your parents are both contributing, then I would suggest dividing the guest list into thirds.  1/3 your parents decide, 1/3 his decide, and 1/3 for you and your FI to decide.  If just your parents are paying, then I would still give her a set amount she is allowed to invite.  It doesn't have to be even though. 
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div>

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d4e6fa32-23cf-4207-8e39-12e81bb2e245Post:4774ee5c-b571-42e2-ac86-d68d8b1cb9fd">Re: Mother-in-law-to-be and "The List"</a>:
[QUOTE]My answer depends on how much she is contributing to the wedding.  If you just you and your FI are paying for the wedding, you can give her a number of guests she is allowed to invite.  Say "we are giving both sets of parents a total of 30 people total that they would like invited, so pleast give us a list of the 30 people and addresses ASAP."  But make it fair between parents. If she and your parents are both contributing, then I would suggest dividing the guest list into thirds.  1/3 your parents decide, 1/3 his decide, and 1/3 for you and your FI to decide.  If just your parents are paying, then I would still give her a set amount she is allowed to invite.  It doesn't have to be even though. 
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

This...we decided how many total and then divided them up between Parents, Inlaws and B/G.  Inlaws ended up not needing all of theirs, so we used those for whoever needed them!

You both need to sit down with them and work out the numbers BEFORE someone hands you a list of names.