FMIL & MOH drama

lcissell3110

Hi ladies, this might end up kind of long so I apologize in advance.

Here is the problem... My MOH wanted to throw me a huge bridal shower but my Grandmother stepped in and decided that her, my aunt and my mom are going to throw a his &hers shower. So my MOH was like okay then I will throw you a lingerie shower/bach party the weekend before your wedding. Which all works out fine.

Well now my FMIL is wanting to throw me a lingerie shower too. I told her thank you but my MOH is already throwing me one the weekend before the wedding. Her response to that was that she wouldn't mind helping my MOH plan one. Well my MOH apparently is throwing the kind where you don't really want your FI mom around lol.

Anyways, so then my FMIL text me this AM saying that her and her sister came up with a fun idea and to email her all of the address' to the guests I want to invite. The problem is my wedding isn't that big and alot of people are from out of town. I feel like I am inviting the same guests to all these things and seriously they are all back to back! 3 Saturdays in a row.

When I told my MOH about this she flipped! She thinks no one will come to the one she is throwing and is totally bashing my FMIL for wanting to throw one. I feel bad for both sides and I honesly hate that I am in the middle of this. It is way too much stress added on top of the wedding! I did however tell my MOH that I wasn't inviting all of the same people to the one my FMIL is throwing, I thought I could make that one a more mom/grandmother family thing and then the one my MOH is throwing could be a girls night.

MOH isn't happy and is seriously saying she isn't throwing me one anymore and she isn't a MOH just a BM now. I don't care if she doesn't throw me one or not, its not about that to me. I just know how badly she wanted to... ugghhhh!

Manwaithiel

Your MOH was already throwing you a shower. That means you make it clear to FMIL, "My MOH is hosting the party. Whoever she invites is who she invites." And leave it at that.

Take your MOH out for coffee, apologize for the fact that her feelings are hurt. Say you would love for her to throw the party if she still wants to and that you'll deal with FMIL. Also state that you would still love her to be MOH.

Then, if your MOH agrees to pick the party back up, you call FMIL. "Look, I appreciate the offer, but MOH is already throwing a party. I don't want to have that many parties so I need to decline this one. Thank you, though."

I don't understand why a MIL wants to be involved in a lingerie shower, but whatever. That's how I would deal with this.

lcissell3110

I have told my FMIL idk how many times that I don't want/need one in the nicest way possible. She is very overbearing and I don't know how else to tell her no thank you without being blunt and rude about it. I know she only means well, she had 2 sons so I am kind of the daughter she never had, she is more into planning this wedding than my mom is! But like I said I just don't want so many parties so close together. In the end someone is going to end up hurt.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-moh-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d6906fb8-eb4b-4bba-b16d-0bb62db4bbffPost:ab91b80d-5f02-465d-9d84-29d78f638383">Re: FMIL & MOH drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I have told my FMIL idk how many times that I don't want/need one in the nicest way possible. She is very overbearing and I don't know how else to tell her no thank you without being blunt and rude about it. I know she only means well, she had 2 sons so I am kind of the daughter she never had, she is more into planning this wedding than my mom is! But like I said I just don't want so many parties so close together. In the end someone is going to end up hurt.
Posted by lcissell3110[/QUOTE]

<div>Sadly, this is were you need to work up the courage and bluntly tell your FMIL that you are<strong> declining</strong> her offer but you really do appreciate the thought. She might be hurt but she'll get over it, you need to stand up to her now because if she is overbearing to you now (not listening or respecting your wishes) then more drama like this is a definite in the future.</div><div>
</div><div>Also apologize to your MOH, she wanted to throw your parties first and she has TWICE been butted out from both sides of the family. I would never let my family do that to my friends.<em> You</em> should have put a stop to <em>your</em> family the first time when they took over, but since that's over and done with you need to put a stop to your FMIL's party because frankly 3 parties in a row is excessive (as you already pointed out) and it is not fair to your MOH who has been pushed aside because you don't have the courage to stand up to both your family and your FI's. </div>

frenchy730

That's a toughie.  And you're right, it is tough on your guests to attend up to 4 gift-giving occasions all so close together.

Here's my idea... let the shower happen as planned.  Maybe invite only close friends for the racier  lingerie shower your MOH wants to throw and invite everyone else (family, etc.)  to the one your FMIL wants to throw.  It's a nice way to break up inviting everyone to so many events.

lcissell3110

I talked to my MOH and we decided to do a more intimate party with our friends. This way everyone wins and my FMIL can throw one that is more for family. Ugh! talk about a mess. I never realized how crazy people get around weddings. Hopefully this was the one and only huge argument between everyone. *fingers crossed*

RiRi157

Why are you and everyone else here throwing MIL under the bus when it was YOUR grandmother, aunt and mom who started this first.

Your MOH started to plan a shower and they told her they wanted too.

Your FMIL did the same thing your mom aunt and grandmotjer did.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-moh-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d6906fb8-eb4b-4bba-b16d-0bb62db4bbffPost:fc07d7fe-2a0a-46e5-b2f5-e745652b4225">Re: FMIL & MOH drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Why are you and everyone else here throwing MIL under the bus when it was YOUR grandmother, aunt and mom who started this first. Your MOH started to plan a shower and they told her they wanted too. Your FMIL did the same thing your mom aunt and grandmotjer did.
Posted by RiRi157[/QUOTE]

<div>If you read my entire post you would have seen I pointed out that <em>her</em> family started the rude behavior of pushing her MOH to the side and controlling the Bridal Shower. Since MOH has already given up that battle I would think that OP would at least stand up to her FMIL. </div>

RiRi157

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-moh-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d6906fb8-eb4b-4bba-b16d-0bb62db4bbffPost:b7ce945d-672f-4427-b301-c98c33616f70">Re: FMIL & MOH drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL & MOH drama : If you read my entire post you would have seen I pointed out that her family started the rude behavior of pushing her MOH to the side and controlling the Bridal Shower. Since MOH has already given up that battle I would think that OP would at least stand up to her FMIL. 
Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

And why not stand up to mom, aunt and grandma, why just MIL.

Oh wait I forgot MILs are always wrong.

They all should have asked the moh if she needed help, not pushed her aside.'
All 4 are wrong.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-moh-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d6906fb8-eb4b-4bba-b16d-0bb62db4bbffPost:6ccf8e16-1ec4-4325-a225-3ec0b7f00f74">Re: FMIL & MOH drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL & MOH drama : And why not stand up to mom, aunt and grandma, why just MIL. Oh wait I forgot MILs are always wrong. They all should have asked the moh if she needed help, not pushed her aside.' All 4 are wrong.
Posted by RiRi157[/QUOTE]

<div><span style="color:#000000;font-family:Times;font-size:medium;line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-repeat:initial;background-attachment:initial;-webkit-background-clip:initial;-webkit-background-origin:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">Like I said before, OP <em>should </em>have stood up to her family but her MOH has <em>already</em>put the situation aside and was the bigger person. Now its OP FMIL is pulling a fast one and MOH is not letting herself getting pushed aside again and OP should do something about it. Personally, if I was OP I would shut down both family parties and give total control back to the MOH and what she wants to do and if anyone family members want to help her they can ask.<div>
</div><div>MILs are not always wrong, many people here defend MILs when Bride's aren't happy. Really, I have no idea why that general statement was brought up.</div></div></span></div>

lcissell3110

actually... when my Grandmother decided to host the big one my MOH had not decided if she was going to even throw one due to financial issues which is my why my family is doing a his and hers. My MOH agreed she would do one with just girls and she was never planning on throwing a huge bash. She is now relieved that she didn't plan a huge one. Her only issue was how close together the bach party/lingerie shower is to the one my FMIL is throwing.

I love my FMIL like she is my own mother. Esp. since my mom lives across the country from me and I see her maybe twice a year. I was not throwing her under the bus at all. I simply posted on here to get some advice as how to deal with my MIL and MOH who were not getting along.  As I said earlier, I was trying to keep my MIL from throwing one at all without being completely rude.

Anyways, problem solved! and everyone is happy

suz62984

I'm glad everything worked out. I can understand your frustration. I declined a party that my FMIL and her friends were going to throw the morning of the wedding. They planned it anyways and recently invited me. As you can imagine I declined officially again through RSVP.  Look at the bright side, at least you have tons of people who love you and want to throw you parties! 

AerikaAwright

The bridal shower, bachelorette party issues seem to be neverending.

My MOH's (I have two) were planning both my bridal shower and bachelorette parties. Both were supposed to be small an simple...then my mother came into the picture. She wanted to throw me a lingerie bridal shower...I told her thanks mom but no thanks I don't want to do that.

Then my mother looked over the guest list for the shower and added about 30 more people.... suddenly my shower was now too big for my MOH's so my Mother got her wish and is now hosting my shower. 

My mother feels like I should have at least 3 showers I think one is just fine. She is still planning on throwing my bachelorette party but I told her that my MOH's are doing that and she needs to back off.

I'm glad that you were able to work things out...I totally don't understand why people need to make these things to complicated. 

lcissell3110

Aeirka: I completely agree with you! This shouldn't be so complicated. I also said one was enough, I don't like all the hype. But like Suz said in a previous post, we should feel blessed that so many people are wanting to throw showers for us! I've read some posts where the Brides are saying no one is throwing them anything. Hope your family and BMs try to get along for the big day!

poolkat78

3 weekends of bridal showers is very extensive...especially close to your wedding.
I have had 3 showers, 1 in June, 1 2 weeks ago, and 1 over my lunch break this week from my co-workers. I couldn't have imagined anymore. My Bachelorette party is this weekend. I'm actually leaving for the weekend in a few hours.
This week has been torture as we are just 16 days away from the wedding and there are A LOT of little things that need to get done. I'm excited for this weekend, but it is definitely putting a dent in my prep time for the wedding.
I think that the last, at least 2 weekends leading up to your wedding, you keep clear. I wish that i had.....

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-moh-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d6906fb8-eb4b-4bba-b16d-0bb62db4bbffPost:0b5b03b0-1660-427c-a478-eddb7f633c38">Re: FMIL & MOH drama</a>:
[QUOTE]The bridal shower, bachelorette party issues seem to be neverending. My MOH's (I have two) were planning both my bridal shower and bachelorette parties. Both were supposed to be small an simple...then my mother came into the picture. She wanted to throw me a lingerie bridal shower...I told her thanks mom but no thanks I don't want to do that. T<strong>hen my mother looked over the guest list for the shower and added about 30 more people.... suddenly my shower was now too big for my MOH's so my Mother got her wish and is now hosting my shower.</strong>  My mother feels like I should have at least 3 showers I think one is just fine. She is still planning on throwing my bachelorette party but I told her that my MOH's are doing that and she needs to back off. I'm glad that you were able to work things out...I totally don't understand why people need to make these things to complicated. 
Posted by AerikaAwright[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You should have put a stop to your mom inviting 30 more people. Your mom was out of line big time for controlling the guest list, your MsOH are in charge of how many people can come. Your mom should have offered to contribute to the shower, not take it over, very rude on her part. <span style="font-size:10.8px;" class="Apple-style-span">My best friend had a small 15 person shower because that's all the hostess (who was a BM's mom that likes to do parties and has known my friend since they were in elementary) could hold in her home. My friend has a lot of family and friends but she respected the number that was given to her and invited her really close friends and family. </span></div><div><span style="font-size:10.8px;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><span style="font-size:10.8px;" class="Apple-style-span">Well, I'm glad that you told her to back off of taking over another party (and really the Bachelorette party, I have never heard of a mom going let alone plan one, weirdness). </span></div><div>
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