My Mother hates my fiance!

danstine99

Hi Guys,

So I am at the end of my rope.  I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years.  He is a wonderful man.  He is so sweet and considerate and he adores me.  Yet, my mother HATES him for no reason at all.  She has not liked him since we first started dating.  I am an only child and my mother has always been attached to my hip.  She has always struggled with letting me go, and it was always easier to just let her have her way than to deal with the rath.  I have told her so many times that I have lost count that I love him and that I want nothing more than to be with him for the rest of my life.  She continually makes me feel guilty for wanting to spend time with him because she says that I am choosing him over her.  I get a guilt trip anytime I want to do anything.  He walks on eggshells all the time for fear that she is going to snap at him, and then she says that he does not even make an attempt to talk to her and be a part of the family.  She trash talks him to other people.  She has actually said to me that she would not care if he died.  He is really good about just trying to not get involved but he gets so angry at her for the stress that she puts on me.  It has been bad ever since we got together, but it is way worse now.  My dad passed away in December and now she is 1000 times worse than before.  I just don't know what to do.  I am miserable and this is not how my wedding planning should be.  She gets mad and does not even want him involved in the wedding planning.  She has said that it is my wedding not his and he does not need to be at there when we are planning things.  She threw a fit because I wanted himm to go look at wedding venue's with me.  I just really need some advise.  I can't take much more.  Thanks.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-hates-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d6a20f84-2be2-41d1-8c3c-7c496114c4d5Post:49d52365-9f49-4cd2-85bb-a33669af354b">My Mother hates my fiance!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Guys, So I am at the end of my rope.  I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years.  He is a wonderful man.  He is so sweet and considerate and he adores me.  Yet, my mother HATES him for no reason at all.  She has not liked him since we first started dating.  I am an only child and my mother has always been attached to my hip.  She has always struggled with letting me go, and it was always easier to just let her have her way than to deal with the rath.  I have told her so many times that I have lost count that I love him and that I want nothing more than to be with him for the rest of my life.  She continually makes me feel guilty for wanting to spend time with him because she says that I am choosing him over her.  I get a guilt trip anytime I want to do anything.  He walks on eggshells all the time for fear that she is going to snap at him, and then she says that he does not even make an attempt to talk to her and be a part of the family.  She trash talks him to other people.  She has actually said to me that she would not care if he died.  He is really good about just trying to not get involved but he gets so angry at her for the stress that she puts on me.  It has been bad ever since we got together, but it is way worse now.  My dad passed away in December and now she is 1000 times worse than before.  I just don't know what to do.  I am miserable and this is not how my wedding planning should be.  She gets mad and does not even want him involved in the wedding planning.  She has said that it is my wedding not his and he does not need to be at there when we are planning things.  She threw a fit because I wanted himm to go look at wedding venue's with me.  I just really need some advise.  I can't take much more.  Thanks.
Posted by danstine99[/QUOTE]

<div>Whoa man, you definitely have one clingy mama. Personally, if your dad just passed away and your getting married I can see her having a lot of "loneliness" issues. Plus if you are her only child, I can see why she doesn't want to let go because I'm sure its hard for her.</div><div>
</div><div> With that being said, you definitely need to get the courage and do some straight talk about how she addresses your FI (he does indeed have of say in wedding planning because its HIS wedding too). If she starts bad mouthing him you need to set her straight telling her that it is definitely not alright and that you will leave (or hang up) if she continues this behavior. Her making you choose is a bad move in her part because of course you need to choose your FI, you are grown woman and are ready to start a new family, your mom needs to recognize that. I feel bad that your in this situation, I can see why your mom is hurt and fearful for letting what's left of her family go but it does not excuse her behavior and you need to put a stop to it. </div>

brimorey

Dito with Autumn.
Let your mom know that you care about her opinions and feelings, but she raised you to be a responsible adult. This is your decision and you want to walk your path with this man. She has to know that making you choose could end up excluding her!
Good luck, I will definitely be thinking about you!

quotequeen

Yeah, you need to start setting some boundaries yesterday.  And figure out a way to stop feeling guilty when she's being ridiculous.  It sounds like this has really affected your life, so you might consider seeing a counselor.  Learn how to say "I will not let you talk to me/FI like that, and I will not let you treat me/FI like that," and WALK AWAY when she does it.  If she realizes that her guilt trips are not going to work anymore and that she is risking pushing you away completely, she will back off.

Muffin'sMom

People act the way they do because they have been allowed to.  Dr.Phil is right when he says that we teach people how to treat us.  You have to stop the pattern now.  It should not be allowed to happen one more time.  You don't have to be ugly, just tell her the boundaries. 

"He is the man that I am sharing my life with.  I will always be your daughter, and always love you.  However, know that it you push me to choose, you will not like the result.  I will no longer be able to accept how you treat him, so please, for the sake of our relationship, stop."

Then, you will have to do it!

[Deleted User]

Ditto pp. Since it is your Mom, you need to talk to her. Hopefully things will get better and she will come around.

Kristin789

Your mother is grieving for your father, and she needs counseling for that alone.

On top, she is grieving the loss of her daughter, or having to share her with her new husband.  And that's sad enough in your mother's extreme case to warrant counseling.

Your wedding is TWO YEARS away.  My suggestion is for you to meet with your officiant/pastor/minister and explain this to him/her.  Then schedule a meeting with your mom and you and the officiant, and have the officiant talk about the transition from married to widowed, and the transition from mother-of-unmarried-daughter to mother-of-newly-married-daughter, etc.

tpender13

Oh, wow, this is rough. It won't be easy, but like PP's said, you NEED to set boundaries and be firm. Maybe if she realizes that she's pushing you away she'll change. Sucky to deal with though! Good luck!

lalap69

It's horrible that your mom is having such a hard time dealing with the loss of your father, but this is not healthy.  Not for her and not for you.  You need to set clear boundaries.  If she says that you're putting your FI first, say "Yes, he does come first.  He's going to be my husband."  And don't apologize for that.  But if you let her dictate the terms of your relationship, it's going to cause problems for you and your FI.  It might seem easier to give in to her in the short term, but you're setting yourself up for a lifelong battle.

lharri12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-hates-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d6a20f84-2be2-41d1-8c3c-7c496114c4d5Post:08e3226b-ba61-4647-9a71-2aec91ea3843">Re: My Mother hates my fiance!</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, you need to start setting some boundaries yesterday.  And figure out a way to stop feeling guilty when she's being ridiculous.  It sounds like this has really affected your life, so you might consider seeing a counselor.  Learn how to say "I will not let you talk to me/FI like that, and I will not let you treat me/FI like that," and WALK AWAY when she does it.  If she realizes that her guilt trips are not going to work anymore and that she is risking pushing you away completely, she will back off.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

This EXACTLY.  Your mother has gone waaaay over the line, and you need to learn to stand up to her.  If you don't do it now, she is going to try to wedge herself between your and your future husband for the rest of your lives, and that will be a disaster.

bdriley

You mother saying that it is YOUR wedding not HIS is out of line.  It's not HER wedding and thus she doesn't have a right to dictate who should be involved in the planning.  Tell her to visit a counselor and stop trying to ruin the exciting parts of your life by critisizing your fiance.

danstine99

I really appreciate all the thoughts and advise.  I have made the decision that I am NO longer going to allow this to continue on.  I will not be a part of this anymore.  If she even starts her crap I am going to tell her that I will not disrespect mine and Anthony's relationship by fighting with her and just leave.  Those of you who have said that she needs to see a therapist are SO right.  I have tried to get her to go over and over again but she does not think that there is anything wrong with her.  This whole mess is Anthony's fault according to her because he has this "master plan"  to ruin my and her relationship, and my fault because I allow him to do it.  As far as she is concerned she has done nothing wrong.  I also agree that I need to talk to a therapist myself.  She has caused alot of harm to my emotional health.  Thanks again to everyone!!

r0xych1cana

Have a heart-to-heart with her & let her know that while you love her & will always be her daughter, you will not continue to allow her to bash your future husband. If she honestly believes that he's coming between you two, use that as a bargaining point to get her to go to therapy with you. Something like "If you feel that our relationship is unhealthy, I'd like us to talk to someone impartial & see what they have to say." Hopefully that will get your foot in the therapist's door and you two can start working out issues. And if not, go by yourself so you can heal & start to unload some of the stress that this has been causing you. Also, establish very strict guidelines with her.  Next time she starts to badmouth your fiance, tell her something like "If you continue to badmouth my fiance, I will have to end this conversation." (No further explanation is needed, no yelling or tears;say it in a firm, calm voice that let's her know that you mean business.) And if she continues, do just that! Tell her goodbye and walk away/hang up the phone. By disengaging her she will quickly start to realize that her behavior leads to the conversation ending. Do NOT give in to her even once or she will only continue to manipulate you. By giving her one warning & following through, you take back control of your life & are not a helpless bystander. And no, I am not a psych major; I'm a teacher. I've found that sometimes the best way to deal with children also works wonders with adults!

Rachel302

I don't have much advice but wanted to come in and sympathize with you. My mom doesn't hate my fiance and has never wished he was dead, but doesn't really like him (she thinks he has a gambling problem??? absolutely no basis for this accusation) and definitely doesn't want to let go and accept that I'm "leaving her" and marrying him. This causes all kinds of annoying wedding planning stress (why would you even have a wedding? WHO DOES THAT? Who sends out save the date cards? That's ridiculous! Why would you get ENGAGEMENT PICTURES? Why would I want to SEE THEM?)  and while certainly not as severe as your situation, I totally understand!! Best of luck to you.