Monster FMIL

jazzchic823

My FMIL and I have never seen eye to eye.  I have always been polite and considerate and helpful to the extreme whenever we are together and nothing ever seems to be good enough.  When my FH and I got engaged the first thing she started doing  was tearing apart all my ideas for the wedding and giving me her opinion.  I don't mind advice or getting ideas from people but when she is insisting on her way or no way I draw the line.  The only thing she seems to care about for this wedding is how much she is going to have to pay and what she should wear.  I want us to be able to get along but she doesn't seem willing to let me in to her family at all. . .Any advice for how to get my FMILto open up to me and realize that this is not her day?

I just want her to like me!!

tldh

First of all - If she is mistreating you in any way, your FI should be defending you.  Every. Single. Time.  If he's not, you have bigger problems here.

As for wanting her to like you, ask your FI why she doesn't.  I'm not saying you'll be able to do anything about it, but at least you'll know where she is coming from.  I would also stop referring to her as a monster here.  That is not going to go over well with some of the MOBs and MOGs.

Second - is she paying for anything?  It is said so much on these boards that it is turning into a cliche: Money = Strings.  I would really suggest that you and FI find a way to pay for your wedding yourselves.

Finally - stop talking to her about the wedding.  You have 17 months to go here.  If she brings it up, change the subject.  As for what she will wear (and she should not be thinking about his until well into next year), tell her to wear whatever makes her comfortable and if that means a truly obnoxious outfit or a mourning dress complete with black veil, so be it.  It will be a very poor reflection on her, not you.

jazzchic823

-My FH is good, he defends me to his mother, but at the same time tries to stay neutral.  He gets on her case about including me during the holidays and in family activities and she grudginly obliges until he leaves the room and then I get the cold shoulder all over again. 

-She is paying for half of the open bar (her ex-husband is paying for the other half) and the rehearsal dinner.  I'm greatful that she is paying for something and I have told her that on numerous occassions, but my mother keeps reminding me that it's our wedding and not to let her ruin it. 

-I think you're right, no wedding talk in front of her is probably the best solution.  It cuts back on any arguments and future headaches that would amount from the discussions and it's still 17 months away!

Thanks for your advice!!

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_monster-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d7a7e772-5d5a-4076-ab14-783e4589615bPost:ec7aa2fd-3ad5-4d0d-abb0-3a2a05482e8b">Monster FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]My FMIL and I have never seen eye to eye.  I have always been polite and considerate and helpful to the extreme whenever we are together and nothing ever seems to be good enough.  When my FH and I got engaged the first thing she started doing  was tearing apart all my ideas for the wedding and giving me her opinion.  I don't mind advice or getting ideas from people but when she is insisting on her way or no way I draw the line.  The only thing she seems to care about for this wedding is how much she is going to have to pay and what she should wear.  I want us to be able to get along but she doesn't seem willing to let me in to her family at all. . .Any advice for how to get my FMILto open up to me and realize that this is not her day? I just want her to like me!!
Posted by jazzchic823[/QUOTE]

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_monster-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d7a7e772-5d5a-4076-ab14-783e4589615bPost:3973bed0-79c5-47b1-ba0a-d9485904acc3">Re: Monster FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]-<strong>My FH is good, he defends me to his mother, but at the same time tries to stay neutral.  He gets on her case about including me during the holidays and in family activities and she grudginly obliges until he leaves the room and then I get the cold shoulder all over again.</strong>  -She is paying for half of the open bar (her ex-husband is paying for the other half) and the rehearsal dinner.  I'm greatful that she is paying for something and I have told her that on numerous occassions, but my mother keeps reminding me that it's our wedding and not to let her ruin it.  -I think you're right, no wedding talk in front of her is probably the best solution.  It cuts back on any arguments and future headaches that would amount from the discussions and it's still 17 months away! Thanks for your advice!!
Posted by jazzchic823[/QUOTE]

So your FMIL knows that your FH is all bark and no bite. He'll make little grumbly noises about being nice to you but as soon as his back is turned she's back to her old ways. And by staying neutral and not manning up and saying "Mom, I demand that you treat my future wife with respect at all times or this is the last time you'll see us," he's teaching her that she's more important to him than you are and that her behavior is perfectly acceptable.

You've got 17 months to get a handle on this. If you don't, you'll have a lifetime of coming in second to mommy ahead of you -- and saying "I do" means you're okay with that.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_monster-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d7a7e772-5d5a-4076-ab14-783e4589615bPost:3973bed0-79c5-47b1-ba0a-d9485904acc3">Re: Monster FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]-My FH is good, he defends me to his mother, but at the same time <strong>tries to stay neutral.</strong>  He gets on her case about including me during the holidays and in family activities and <strong>she grudginly obliges until he leaves the room and then I get the cold shoulder all over again</strong>.  -She is paying for half of the open bar (her ex-husband is paying for the other half) and the rehearsal dinner.  I'm greatful that she is paying for something and I have told her that on numerous occassions, but my mother keeps reminding me that it's our wedding and not to let her ruin it.  -I think you're right, no wedding talk in front of her is probably the best solution.  It cuts back on any arguments and future headaches that would amount from the discussions and it's still 17 months away! Thanks for your advice!!
Posted by jazzchic823[/QUOTE]

Problem.  Big Big Problem.

Your husband should not be neutral about anyone, including his mommy, disrespecting you. 

My parents were always loving towards anyone my brothers and I brought home.  I'm on the phone with my dad right now and he said that they had no idea whom any of us would marry and if we had to choose between the future spouse and the parents, he and my mom hoped they'd raised us to put the love of our life first.