Ack! I chose recklessly.

emmagfunk03

Long story short, we started off with three bridesmaids -- my best friend since Kindergarten, and my FI's two younger sisters. I'm totally happy to have his sisters in my wedding -- I've never met one of them but I understand how important they are to him and they seem nice enough when I speak to them online. Plus, I want to unite our families. 

I digress!

Well, I started to feel weird about having only one BM that I knew really well. It seemed strange to me, so I tried thinking of other women I was close enough to that I would want to have stand up with me. I chose someone who lives in California, and while she was flattered, she said that she wasn't sure if she could make the money situation work (the wedding is in Michigan), but if she could she would stand up for us.

How long do I give her to decide? It's making me anxious that I don't know what to prepare for, or when she'll decide. If she says no, I have someone else I'd like to ask who lives closer, but I'm wondering if I should've asked the latter person in the first place. I know I can't go back on my word, but when should I expect to know?

notyetavet

You have 11 months until the wedding so you can certainly give her a bit of time to decide. You won't have to figure out dresses until 4-6 months before the ceremony so don't worry.  Try not to give her a deadline just yet becuase she may feel rushed in her decision.  If it comes down to money issues, try to help her if you can.  If it's not in your budget, then tell her you're sad it didn't work out and that you hope that she can still attend the wedding.

IMO, if the California friend says no and you ask someone else, that sends the message that the California friend is "replaceable" which can lead to some major hurt feelings. 

PeonyPrincesskdd

You don't need to have any bridal party members finalized just yet.  I would say maybe in September you might want to start asking people.. and then by October or November have your decision finalized.

It's true.  6 months before the wedding you can start looking for dresses.  Davids bridals dresses come in 12 weeks.  So by 16 weeks (4 months) you will need to order dresses.. leaving a month for alterations..

You really have time to decide.

You need to sit down and think about who the closest people are in your lives and who you absolutly must have standing up with you, in support of your marriage, on your wedding day. 

A wedding party is your closest and nearest/dearest friends.

You don't just pick anyone to have as a mannequinn to stand pretty for pictures.. or you don't choose people based on who will be the most involved or who will throw the best bachelorette party.. these are just examples.. of  reasons NOT to ask someone to be in the bridal party.

Like I said, your bridal party is your closest friends who will be there emotionally for you and support you and love you.

suz62984

1) you can go ahead and ask your closer friend. you said you feel you should have done it in the first place. Why aren't you going ahead and doing it? Please don't say even sides...that just means that you value symmetry over friendships.

2) I would suggest waiting to ask WP until 8 months before the wedding; however it is done so just ask this girl now.

3) The Cali girl has a lot of time here. The dresses don't have to be ordered until 4-5 months before the wedding. Just give her a buy before date for the dress and leave it as that.  "Friend, I just wanted to give you the dress information. It needs to be ordered by _date_. If you decide to order and be in the wedding that will be great; however if you can't I understand and their are no hard feelings."

4) Don't try to micro manage the dress. You'll really stress yourself out for no reason. Discuss BMs budgets individually before picking a dress. Just pick a dress or let them pick. Give them all a buy before date. If they get the dress, they are in the wedding. If not, they have taken themselves out. Either way...you aren't stressing.

emmagfunk03

Thanks so much ladies. I've been feeling like crap about it, and will go ahead and ask my closer friend. If the Cali friend shows up, great! The more the merrier! If she doesn't, that will be a bummer, but it happens. At least I will have asked the friend I wanted to ask too. Right?

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ack-chose-recklessly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d7ba67e7-ccfe-49db-bf9a-e3f50f12eed9Post:adcf6f0a-362e-480b-9b3c-61d5bfeb53b0">Re: Ack! I chose recklessly.</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks so much ladies. I've been feeling like crap about it, and will go ahead and ask my closer friend. If the Cali friend shows up, great! The more the merrier! If she doesn't, that will be a bummer, but it happens. At least I will have asked the friend I wanted to ask too. Right?
Posted by emmagfunk03[/QUOTE]


Great decision!

Catwoman708

I'd give the CA friend until about 6 months before the wedding to decide if she can swing the expense or not.  You can wait until then to ask your other friend.  In the meantime, don't mention anything about it, so she does't feel like your second choice.

lindseroo

I really want my German "sister" as a BM, but she is still unsure of whether or not she can come.  I asked everyone else I wanted to ask, even though if she comes from Germany I will have more than FI.  I was unsure about it, but in the end it doesn't matter.  Give her all the time she needs to figure it out (within reason, obviously) and just plan around her.  I will pretty much be unsure of my BM until dress-ordering time, at which point she will have to really figure out if she can afford it.  (My dad is paying for part of her airfare if she comes, too, which is nice.  It wasn't in MY budget though so I definitely understand if it's not in yours to help out!)  Anyway I guess the point is to do what you want to do and if she can come, she can come.  Don't stress!  It's not fun!