i dont know what to do anymore..HELP! (long)

souzq11

posting this on two boards as it kind of fits both and looking for all the help i can get!
ok let me preface this by saying I am very blessed to have a great FIL & MIL. They are wonderful people who are very sweet and I get along great with them...with that being said:
we are having HUGE problems for our rehearsal dinner! Our wedding is 2 months  from today and we have not booked a RD location yet. This is due to the fact that FI's parents want to do it one way and we want it another: We want a small RD with bridal party, readers & immediate family close to the hotel. They want a big RD with all extended family at a location that is 10/15 mins past the church in the opposite direction of the hotel (side note church and hotel are 20 mins apart)
we tried to sit down and have a conversation with them about what we wanted etc and it turned into a massive fight, obv causing a lot of tension but i THOUGHT we had come to a compromise that we would have it by the hotel but invite the larger amount of people.
so still nothing has been decided and every place we suggest that is close to the hotel MIL finds something wrong with. I told her that we were staying at their house this week one night  bc we have to meet with the priest and MIL informs me they will be taking us to dinner so we can eat at and see the place they want the RD at...which during our previous 'cnversation' she said they wouldnt do it at.
i am trying really hard to not let this sour my relationship with them but everytime a comment is made or they blow off our feelings/desires for this it gets more and more difficult...
advice/experience appreciated!

FutureJilliannD

Who is paying for it?

If they are paying for it, then they get to have it where they want. If you are paying for it, you should book someplace and then tell her nicely that you have taken care of it.

Honestly, I really don't think the RD is such a big deal or worth stressing about.

cookiesandwine

I totally understand that you're frustrated, but if they're paying/hosting the RD, then they get to have a pretty big say. Try to take it with a grain of salt and appreciate that they're doing anything at all.  I've been in similar situations with FMIL and it helps to try and focus on the positive! GL

sarah42nd

I told her that we were staying at their house this week one night


I really hope this statement came out wrong because I  hope you didnt treat an adult like this. If they are paying for the RD then they can do whatever they want. IF you dont like what she wants to do then decline and then pay for it yourselves.

sister2groom

RD is not a big deal, I think you should pick your battles. If you want an intimate gathering with your wedding party, I don't think your ILs should be required to host that, you could go out to lunch the day before or do a spa day or something.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dont-anymorehelp-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d83e9f13-0ad2-4bd3-8213-3c23f8437459Post:12e1880c-b64a-4115-849a-c8fdf51cedc4">i dont know what to do anymore..HELP! (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]posting this on two boards as it kind of fits both and looking for all the help i can get! ok let me preface this by saying I am very blessed to have a great FIL & MIL. They are wonderful people who are very sweet and I get along great with them...with that being said: we are having HUGE problems for our rehearsal dinner! Our wedding is 2 months  from today and we have not booked a RD location yet. This is due to the fact that FI's parents want to do it one way and we want it another: We want a small RD with bridal party, readers & immediate family close to the hotel. They want a big RD with all extended family at a location that is 10/15 mins past the church in the opposite direction of the hotel (side note church and hotel are 20 mins apart) we tried to sit down and have a conversation with them about what we wanted etc and it turned into a massive fight, obv causing a lot of tension but i THOUGHT we had come to a compromise that we would have it by the hotel but invite the larger amount of people. so still nothing has been decided and every place we suggest that is close to the hotel MIL finds something wrong with. I told her that we were staying at their house this week one night  bc we have to meet with the priest and MIL informs me they will be taking us to dinner so we can eat at and see the place they want the RD at...which during our previous 'cnversation' she said they wouldnt do it at. i am trying really hard to not let this sour my relationship with them but everytime a comment is made or they blow off our feelings/desires for this it gets more and more difficult... advice/experience appreciated!
Posted by souzq11[/QUOTE]
If you want it your way, pay for it yourselves.  If they're paying, they can host the RD where ever they want, and include whomever they would likfe. 

souzq11

sarah42nd re: I really hope this statement came out wrong because I  hope you didnt treat an adult like this.

this statement was misconstrued..we often stay my FILs when we need to do something in the area so we do not have to drive back home later at night. i was on the phone with her and informed her of the meeting with the priest and said we would be staying over if that was ok. i didnt feel the need to explain the background as my post was already long enough. clearly i am very respectful of them and adults or else i wouldnt be so upset about the entire situation. 

they are paying for it and we are so appreciative of it and i know that means they get the biggest say, but we were hoping to have some say in it and be involved/help, especially since we have gone above and beyond to involve them with the rest of the wedding planning 

FutureJilliannD

Still, the bottom line is that it is the RD. So not a big deal.

Have a nice lunch with your ladies instead. Or get everyone together for a dinner party post-wedding.

souzq11

also we have talked with them about this location well prior to our big convo and we expressed we did not like the restaurant bc of the food/location and they said ok.

waltzingmatilda13

Compromise is the key here. I had the exact same argument with my MIL. She wanted everyone there, DH and I only wanted WP/SOs and immediate family. Here's what we did and what you can suggest to your FILs (some people might see this as a tiered RD, but it worked really well for us and made everyone happy):

Small RD with WP/SOs and immediate family. We did this at a BBQ restaurant, very laid back and handed out our gifts. Then we had everyone over to MIL's house (every single wedding guest was invited to come) for dessert (a wide selection, including a cake) and drinks, including wine and beer. I actually really liked doing this because it gave me a chance to meet DH's side of the family before the actual wedding day and it was a nice reception for everyone in MIL's house. It was huge hit and everyone was happy.

Again, this is a suggestion you can make, but ultimately if your FILs are paying, they get to decide what happens. My main point in not wanting everyone at the RD is that I don't like speaking in front of large crowds of people and felt much more comfortable with those closest to me.

souzq11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dont-anymorehelp-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d83e9f13-0ad2-4bd3-8213-3c23f8437459Post:885184cb-acab-4989-9d16-b826c495528e">Re: i dont know what to do anymore..HELP! (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Compromise is the key here. I had the exact same argument with my MIL. She wanted everyone there, DH and I only wanted WP/SOs and immediate family. Here's what we did and what you can suggest to your FILs (some people might see this as a tiered RD, but it worked really well for us and made everyone happy): Small RD with WP/SOs and immediate family. We did this at a BBQ restaurant, very laid back and handed out our gifts. Then we had everyone over to MIL's house (every single wedding guest was invited to come) for dessert (a wide selection, including a cake) and drinks, including wine and beer. I actually really liked doing this because it gave me a chance to meet DH's side of the family before the actual wedding day and it was a nice reception for everyone in MIL's house. It was huge hit and everyone was happy. Again, this is a suggestion you can make, but ultimately if your FILs are paying, they get to decide what happens. My main point in not wanting everyone at the RD is that I don't like speaking in front of large crowds of people and felt much more comfortable with those closest to me.
Posted by waltzingmatilda13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>thank you!!!! what you are saying about size is exactly how we feel. we know they are paying but we are just uncomfortable which is why we wanted to to be a smaller affair. i will def be telling this suggest to FI! thank you!

</div>

sarah42nd

Okay good thats what I thought   I agree with waltz you can have a RD  with the  small group and the other after. Some people call the party a 'meet and greet' . Its nice because you can meet everyone and everyone can meet each other and its less akward at the wedding.

sarah42nd

Also that option is cheaper because then your FILs only would pay for desserts , Veggie trays and drinks . Things like that . I would throw that option out there and see if they like that.

MairePoppy

Your ILs are hosting and paying for the RD, so it's their party. They want to show hospitality to your wedding guests. You really should just thank them for their generosity and let them do the planning.
If you want some time with just your wedding party, take them out for drinks after the RD.

MobKaz

My daughter's FIL's are hosting the RD.  They have chosen the location, the guests, the time, the decor.....honestly, both my daughter and I are both happy it is one thing we can completely and utterly cross off the list of things to do and/or worry about.

There is some "unbalance" to the evening, and a few things bride and/or groom may have wanted to change/adjust or omit, but as stated in other posts, it is a very small portion of the "program", and we are both grateful for their generosity.

The bride is planning on spending the day with her bridal party, and the groom has plans with his GM.  There will be a brunch the morning after the wedding to again have an opportunity to meet with OOT guests on a smaller scale.

SirJuliusVonHaast

Personally, if my future in laws had offered to host the RD, I would let them do it however they want. You got to pick the location/food for the wedding, they can pick the RD since they're paying for it.