PESSIMISTIC MOH!!!

asrodriguez

PLEASE HELP! I made the stupid decision to ask my best friend at the time to be my MOH! I asked her several months ago, and our wedding is at the end of next summer! I know, MAJOR MISTAKE! Nothing in her life has changed except for her attitude! She is always SOOO negative! I used to love hanging out with her but now I dread it! I have told her that I don't feel close to her, and we are trying to work on it but her attitude just brings me down! I don't want to be a bridezilla but WTH I refuse to be brought down by a "debbie downer" on my wedding day! ADVICE is greatly appreciated!

Cynthia1207

Is she only negative about wedding things or friendship issues as well?  Sometimes ladies get way too caught up in their wedding to notice other things around them.  She might be feeling like YOU'VE changed. Anyway, since you've already asked her you need to stick by your decision.

My advice is to stop discussing wedding things with her.  Just focus on fun stuff like movies, music whatever it is you guys used to talk about.  Just don't mention the W-word around her except when it's time for her to shop for her dress.  That's it. 

marissa_claire

Was she this way before you asked her?  Because if not, odds are you're talking about wedding stuff too much with her.  

I think a lot of brides expect others to be just as excited for the wedding as the bride is, when the reality is that no one else will be all that excited for your wedding (compared to you, that is.)  If this is the way she's always been, then I kind of think you dug your own grave in asking her.  But if it's a more recent change, then I think odds are it has to do with what you're asking of her and her attitude towards the wedding.

asrodriguez

I guess I should have been more detailed. She is just negative about EVERYTHING in general! I don't even discuss wedding stuff with her. I invite her to lunch or to hang out with mutual friends, and her attitude about life is just negative! Our friends will ask her what is wrong and she says she is "tired." Maybe I have changed. We used to hang out all of the time, but that's because I would go out partying with her. Now I don't party as much because I am trying to finish school, I work, and I can't afford the extra calories or expense! I don't know what to do. I feel miserable because I don't want to drop her, but I feel like this is our wedding and why should I have to put up with her negativity.

marissa_claire

She might be a party friend.  I had a friend in college who was only good for partying and if I tried to hang out with her in a non-drinking way, she was dramatic and no fun.  

Is there really not more going on with her?  It sounds like maybe she's going through a hard time or something.  

deepcovejackie

Are you sure she's not suffering from some sort of health problem?  Mood issue?  Maybe make it a friend problem vs. a wedding problem.

MegaMultitasker

I'm dealing with a negative nancy BM myself.  I've gotten some advice here (some of it I feel is BS, some legit).  Sounds SOOO Much like what I'm going through

Stop talking about wedding stuff period.  That made a  huge difference with my BM (she's jones-ing for a ring for the past few months and is really getting on her BF, and she gets really funny about weddings for other people).  If you've asked her what's up and she says "nothing" then you tried.  If she's just a miserable person to be around (and you're not the only one noticing), ask her if everything's ok in her life and make NO metnion of your wedding. It's not about that.  If she gets moody when it comes to wedding stuff, she's probably green with some envy.  As a friend, try to be there for her and she won't accept your help, then you have to make a decision.

Weddings do not give us a license to become self-centered and boss everyone around, and  it does not mean everyone else's life stops and revolves around yours  (and someone's going to disagree with me on this next point) :
 BUT when a girl accepts an offer to be a bridesmaid, they should at least expect to show some happiness and want to make a gesture or show support for the bride. It can be little things, it doesn't need to be huge and each girl can make that gesture in her own way, whether it's lending an ear once in awhile or taking on major responsibilites.  If they don't want to do that, then they should decline the offer. period.

BM's should be our nearest and dearest, and  you deserve to be happy on your wedding.  If she is causing enough misery to ruin your wedding day (and it's legit misery, not you being sensitive), then is she a true friend?  

As a friend first, try to help her out of her funk.  If she won't try to meet you half way and you think she won't snap out of it by the wedding, and you're willing to end the friendship, ask her to step down.  You get one day that you've looked forward to your whole life and if someone tries to ruin it then they aren't worth it.

RMacQueen

I agree with PP. She did accept the offer. However, your wedding isn't for a while, you should take some time now to work on that friendship before you start putting the extra pressure of your wedding on it. In six months, things could be totally different. Stop concentrating on your friendship with your bridesmaid and start concentrating on your friendship with your FRIEND. If in six months it's not working then you reevaluate. 

Muffin'sMom

Maybe you should stop being a bride for just a while and be a friend.  Find out what is going on...she may have a serious issue that you are missing because you are blinded by tulle.

burris5146

I'm going through a similar situation too, My MOH has pretty much gone MIA. Rather than look back at pictures my whole life and be upset by the presence of someone I don't see being close to me after the wedding, I am removing that person. We are not in the age of propriety, and its your day. IF this person is not having your best interests in mind then they should not be in the position of Maid of honor... that role should be an honor to them. 

I came to the conclusion that my best friend and I grew apart the last year and I wasn't sure she would even call me and see how anything was going, chances are even miss the wedding if I stopped calling her, and I decided I don't need to deal with that. Stand up for yourself. Don't do anything out of propriety, its 2010. Do what is right for you. Anyone who says differently is out of touch with reality.

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pessimistic-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d87842db-8fb1-4376-aef5-99abf53f6d6bPost:9ac91704-5722-402f-b031-f790cd14e699">Re: PESSIMISTIC MOH!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Newsflash, chickies: marriage isn't about your seven-tiered Swiss chocolate nut cake or your Monique Lhullier gown. It's long walks, lovemaking, arguing, crying together over a miscarriage and standing in the ER after he's had a heart attack and praying you get one more tomorrow with him. You'll need your friends during those times.</strong>
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Sorry to jump into a conversation on the board without introducing myself previously, but I just had to say, Retread, this made me all choked up. Beautiful words. Thank you.

linguo42

Have you considered the possibility that she may be suffering from depression? Maybe instead of taking her constant negativity as a personal slight to you, you might focus on her for a minute and try to find out why she's undergone this drastic attitude change. Yes, she is your MOH, but first and foremost she's your friend. Focus on that before you make it about the wedding.

You're not getting married until next summer. You have plenty of time to try and work this out. Until you two are on good terms again, do your best to dissociate her from the wedding in your mind so it doesn't drive you bonkers worrying whether she'll be a "debbie downer" on the day.

Above all, remember that no matter how important a day it may be, your wedding is still just one day in your life, and you will be so busy running around being congratulated and thanking people and toasting and kissing and being photographed that you likely won't even have time to notice your MOH's attitude. And if you do catch a whiff of negativity from her, just take a nice deep breath, smile, and remember you're married! That's what really matters, after all.