Fight with my dad four weeks before wedding, we are not talking. NEED ADVICE

peanutkls

I have never really had a great relationship with my father he is not a super caring person and has never really been there for anything (except with money) especially when my parents divorced when i was in 11th grade. We recently got into a huge fight over the phone because of a number of reasons. My brother and his wife had broken up before Christmas, it was a nasty break up and I am not to fond of his wife. They decided to get back together a few weeks ago and I am not ready to be around her and be fully supportive because of all the nasty things she did to my brother and also to my family. ( example calling the cops and putting a restraining order on my brother for no reason) My dad is pushing me into being supportive and I am not fully ready to not saying I wont in the future but for now Its 4 weeks before my wedding and I want to focus on me not on my brothers relationship. I had made plans weeks ago to meet up with my dad and his wife last Sunday for dinner and to be able to discuss wedding plans (mind you i haven't seen him since nov because he canceled on me every time even on xmas eve.) I got a text a few days ago saying that my brother and his wife would be coming, i told my dad that i wanted to talk to him and for him to call me. He kept forgetting to call me and whenever I call he hardly answers the phone. I was also getting my alterations done this weekend and i needed his help to pay for them and since there was still $800 left of the amount that he was willing to help pay for i thought it wouldn't be a  problem, I thought wrong. He got upset that i didn't give him enough time (its 4 weeks till the wedding) and that the amount was $370 ( i lost weight and had to have it pulled in and hemmed.) I then got into it about him not calling me and not wanting to go to dinner w/ my brother and his wife there. He said i was causing drama and being petty he also said i was having a temper tantrum and that he didnt' understand what i was saying. He also said that the conversation was going no where because all he was hearing was "feelings". This was all within three phone calls because at one point i told him not to come to the wedding and i'd pay him back for everything. At this moment i haven't heard from him and I am taking the daughter/ father dance out of the wedding because i don't feel comfortable dancing with him and i don't feel as though he has earned it. I guess i just need to vent here and get some support. I am having a really hard time with this and I am really depressed and hurt. Any advice or suggestions would be great.

kmmssg

ditto cfas!   Take each part of her advice and act on it.  You are the one causing the drama and being selfish here.  Your post is all about "me, me, me" and that your wedding makes you most important and apparently it gives you the right to say very very hurtful things to your father.

You aren't the only one in the family with something big going on.  Reconciliation is hard enough - it's even harder when your family isn't supporting you.  You need to remember that a wedding is one day, but marriages and family relationships are a day to day ongoing thing.  Their world doesn't stop for your one day.  Call your dad and apologize, and then do the same with your brother.

FutureJilliannD

I too agree with everything cfas said. You will very much regret not having your father at your wedding.

peanutkls

I had already called my dad an hour after i had told him not to come and apologized for what i said, he said he didn't hear it. Also that is when he said all those other things to me about me being petty and causing drama. I have already talked to my brother and he agreed with me on what happened. I told him i wasn't ready to be a "big happy family" yet and go to dinner, i needed time. Also I told him what my dad had done and said.  My brother said that " we can't rely on dad and that we are not a priority of his" also my brother didn't know that we were getting together to be able to go over wedding things.( since we haven't seen each other in 7 months)  He is even not 100% ready to be back with his wife again as well  he is just seeing how it goes and being on guard. I don't feel like i have to be ready to forgive her right now, she had done a lot of things to my brother and to my whole family. I was going to go to the dinner but when my Dad totally didn't listen to what i have to say and didn't listen to my feelings on why I was upset, then I didn't want to go.  I am not a selfish person at all, maybe it came off that way but i'm not. The reason I may be a little selfish is because I'ts Never about me , its always about my brother and his problems my whole life. Even my mom had said this and that she has done that to me. I felt like this is the only time in my life where it can be about me and its getting taking away yet again. I suppose its hard to fully understand unless everyone knows my whole back story. I actually even talked to my SIL and explaied to her and she understood how I felt.

theluckiest555

I'm sorry that this is going on, but I agree with PP. She gave some great advice. I know it is hard to put on a happy face for your brother because his wife hurt him/you, but obviously they love eachother and want to work it out, so I think it would mean alot to your brother to support him. If you really love your brother, at least pretend to be supportive. If you must, tell him why you were worried, but alos make sure you let him know that you love him and will support him in whatever he wants to do. If he really wants to make it work with her, you may have to swollow your pride and try to at least tolerate her. Sorry sweetie.

Also, I agree with PP about how you should handle things with your dad. I know it hurts now, but in a few years (or months), you will look back on your wedding and wish that your dad was there. If there's even an ounce of you that still loves him, call him and try to work things out. He is probably hurt too.

Good luck!!

theluckiest555

I'm sorry, I posted without reading your response because you wrote at the same time as me. Please disregard that. Now I'm kind of out of advice. I'm not sure what to say right now... I am sorry this is happening so soon before your wedding. I am also having alot of family drama going on right now and it is making it difficult to be excited about the upcoming wedding, but I am doing my best.

jerseydevil

It sounds like a lot of drama over petty things. Are you married to your brother's wife? No. It sucks if she did anything to hurt you directly, but if your brother is trying to work things out, you do need to suck it up and be supportive. Maybe she is coming around and wants to patch things up. She can't if you won't let her. Try to see outside of your own world and really think about whether or not you really don't want your father in your life. I would call him again to apologize and ask him to come to the wedding.

Good luck with everything!

vicki0508

First, can you try and use paragraphs from now on?  It's difficult to read walls of text.

TBH, all I really heard from your OP was that you threw a fit because your dad wouldn't pay for your alterations. 

If your brother wants to reconcile with his wife, that's his business.  It's not up to you to forgive her and let her back into the family.  I think the last thing your brother needs right now is for you to be chirping in his ear about how much you don't like his wife and don't want her around.  Let him make the decision on his own, without worrying about how you will react.

misscyndikalene

Obviously, non of the girls here know your backstory so they cant be giving you advise on your dad. My FI's dad is bad news and although he was invited to my FI's brothers wedding, he's not invited to ours. We didnt even tell him we had a baby. 

You really got to think if you care about your dad being there or not. If theres a little once in you that feels you need him there, then try to make amends and leave the ball in your dad's court. Call and say hey Im willing to forget this if you are. This is a stressful time for me and I would like you to be there. But if you have no doubts about him not coming then dont put any more effort into it. You did what you could and your dad can decide what to do from there.