Moms and Maids

Lost a bridesmaid...sorry might be long

Soo, yesterday my sister told me that she was not going to be in my wedding. ( I asked her to be in it waaaay back in June when I first announced our wedding date) She told me that she could not handle the financial responsiblities of being a bridesmaid or the emotional aspects( she is going through a divorce and not taking it very well). I offered to pay for her dress, but she said thats not the big reason, the emotional part is the dealbreaker.  I tried to be understanding and supportive but I can't hide the fact that I am really hurt and really upset that she would do this to me. I understand how much pain she is in and I am trying to be there for her, but at the same time I can't help but feel she is being selfish because she can't put aside her own feelings for one day to be happy for me.  Especially when I gave them 3 months heads up about the cost of the dresses and she is finally telling me now, just a few weeks before they are supposed to all be ordered and half paid for. She told me she was ok with me replacing her but I don't want to replace her. Plus, if I asked anyone now, they would feel second string. I've been crying over this ever since and I need to figure out what to do quick.  What would you do?
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Re: Lost a bridesmaid...sorry might be long

  • edited December 2011
    If someone's ever going through something (divorce is a pretty good example) I always think that my wedding isn't as important.  I think you need to 1) be a supportive sister in her time of need and 2) just let her be if that's what she wants.  Does is suck?  Yeah, but at least she's being realistic that she's not going to be in a "yay for weddings!' mood when your time comes.  And the reality of the situation is that she is going through a sad time and you're going through a happy time, which in my book means she needs someone to be there for her and you do not.  

    Frankly, I'd tell her "I understand that you are not in a good place.  I still love you and you can always be a BM if you change your mind.  If you ever need a shoulder to cry on..." 
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_lost-bridesmaidsorry-might-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:db422d1c-84fb-4511-be22-79f62ed549fePost:8c558c74-d743-4412-9546-b8fd2b8596ae">Lost a bridesmaid...sorry might be long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Soo, yesterday my sister told me that she was not going to be in my wedding. ( I asked her to be in it waaaay back in June when I first announced our wedding date) She told me that she could not handle the financial responsiblities of being a bridesmaid or the emotional aspects( she is going through a divorce and not taking it very well). I offered to pay for her dress, but she said thats not the big reason, the emotional part is the dealbreaker.  I tried to be understanding and supportive but I can't hide the fact that I am really hurt and really upset that she would do this to me.<strong>

     I understand how much pain she is in  <font color="#ff0000"> clearly you don't. </font>

     </strong>and I am trying to be there for her, but at the same time I can't help but feel she is being selfish because she can't put aside her own feelings for one day to be happy for me.

    <strong> Especially when I gave them 3 months heads up about the cost of the dresses and she is finally telling me now, just a few weeks before they are supposed to all be ordered and half paid for.</strong> <strong><font color="#ff0000">She's going through a divorce.  Clearly her financial status is going to be changing in the coming months.  She may have thought 3 months ago that she could afford the dress. </font><font color="#ff0000"> Now reality is staring her in the face.</font></strong> 

    She told me she was ok with me replacing her but I don't want to replace her. Plus, if I asked anyone now, they would feel second string. I've been crying over this ever since and I need to figure out what to do quick. 

    <strong>What would you do?</strong>  <font color="#ff0000"><strong>Tell her that you love her, that you'll always be her sister, and that if she ever needs someone to talk to, cry with, or if she needs help you'll be there for her.</strong></font>
    Posted by skylarjo04[/QUOTE]
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    I think that just the fact that she's coming to your wedding is good, considering the mess she's going through right now.  It seriously might be too much for her to stand up there close to you and watch you vow to love your husband for better or for worse. 

    I was a reader at a wedding immediately after a breakup - I had to read the passage about "love is patient, love is kind..." My boyfriend was a complete ass wad and he was my BOYFRIEND, not my HUSBAND, and I still had a hard time getting through it.  If she doesn't think she can handle being one of your bridesmaids, you really need to be a little more understanding. 
    panther
  • skylarjo04skylarjo04 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would just like to point out that I did not say a bad thing about it to her. I hugged her and told her I didn't want to ask her to do something that would hurt her. But she said she had been feeling this way for a while now, this divorce situation is not a recent thing, and she is just now telling me when its getting close to crunch time for bridesmaid dresses. I guess I should refocus my question:  what do I do about the loss of a bridesmaid in respect to my wedding and bridal party?

    and ps I AM BEING VERY SUPPORTIVE OF MY SISTER AND I REALIZE SHE IS IN PAIN SO DON"T TELL ME THAT I DON"T GET THAT. I LOVE MY SISTER VERY MUCH AND I POSTED THIS ON HERE INSTEAD OF TELLING HER HOW HURT I WAS FOR THE VERY REASON OF NOT CAUSING HER FURTHER PAIN />
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_lost-bridesmaidsorry-might-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:db422d1c-84fb-4511-be22-79f62ed549fePost:a4b99366-b7a3-4fa8-baeb-a0ec4f5bc9a3">Re: Lost a bridesmaid...sorry might be long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would just like to point out that I did not say a bad thing about it to her. I hugged her and told her I didn't want to ask her to do something that would hurt her. But she said she had been feeling this way for a while now, this divorce situation is not a recent thing, and she is just now telling me when its getting close to crunch time for bridesmaid dresses. I guess I should refocus my question: <strong> what do I do about the loss of a bridesmaid in respect to my wedding and bridal party? </strong>and ps I AM BEING VERY SUPPORTIVE OF MY SISTER AND I REALIZE SHE IS IN PAIN SO DON"T TELL ME THAT I DON"T GET THAT. I LOVE MY SISTER VERY MUCH AND I POSTED THIS ON HERE INSTEAD OF TELLING HER HOW HURT I WAS FOR THE VERY REASON OF NOT CAUSING HER FURTHER PAIN />
    Posted by skylarjo04[/QUOTE]

    <div>You do<u><em><strong> nothing</strong></em></u>. DO... NOT... REPLACE... HER. People are not replaceable and it there is a very good chance to hurt your sister's feelings more. Have an uneven side, millions of people out there have done it (including my parents who were married over 30 years ago). Just have 1 lucky girl to be escorted by 2 guys, or just have the guys up there already and the girls walk themselves. Really are SO many ways to do it.</div>
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_lost-bridesmaidsorry-might-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:db422d1c-84fb-4511-be22-79f62ed549fePost:a4b99366-b7a3-4fa8-baeb-a0ec4f5bc9a3">Re: Lost a bridesmaid...sorry might be long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would just like to point out that I did not say a bad thing about it to her. I hugged her and told her I didn't want to ask her to do something that would hurt her. But she said she had been feeling this way for a while now, this divorce situation is not a recent thing, and she is just now telling me when its getting close to crunch time for bridesmaid dresses. I guess I should refocus my question:  what do I do about the loss of a bridesmaid in respect to my wedding and bridal party? and ps I AM BEING VERY SUPPORTIVE OF MY SISTER AND I REALIZE SHE IS IN PAIN SO DON"T TELL ME THAT I DON"T GET THAT. I LOVE MY SISTER VERY MUCH AND I POSTED THIS ON HERE INSTEAD OF TELLING HER HOW HURT I WAS FOR THE VERY REASON OF NOT CAUSING HER FURTHER PAIN />
    Posted by skylarjo04[/QUOTE]

    PSA: 1.  Don't type in all caps...it's crazy annoying, and it doesn't help get your point  across at all.

             2.  If you want someone to tell you what you want to hear, might I suggest another board, preferably on a different forum?  You came on here asking for advice, and you made statements that indicate, despite what you're essentially screaming at us like a sugar-high toddler, that you really aren't being supportive of your sister and that you're thinking about your wedding before you think of her.

             3.  Correct punctuation is a wonderful invention.  You should try it some time.

             4.  The fact that you're still mentioning how "hurt" you are by what had to be a hugely difficult decision for your sister tells us all we need to know about your attitude, no matter what you say.  You think you're hurt?  Try watching everything you thought was good in your life falling apart while you try to be happy at the same time.  Just "not mentioning" your "pain"  does not equal empathy.  You don't get it.  Slap a band-aid on your wound and buck up.

             5.  ETA agreement with PP.  Why on Earth would you rub salt in your sister's wounds by even considering replacing her?  Do you seriously think that's going to help her pain any?
             
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  • edited December 2011
    How does her choosing to drop out of the wedding have anything to do with choosing bridesmaids dresses?  So you're down a bridesmaid.  I see no big deal here.

    And pardon me if I don't get the supportive vibe from your OP.  You discussed how you're upset she's doing this to you NOW, how you offered to help her pay but she says the real problem is that she can't handle it emotionally, how you can't hide the fact that you're upset that she would "do this to you," you call her selfish because she can't put aside her own heartache to be happy for you for one day (who says she's not happy for you, anyway - she just doesn't think she can handle being a bridesmaid and apparently having to blow rainbow colored smoke up your ass all day).  Explain to me why you think I shouldn't assume that you're acting like a complete brat about the whole thing?
    panther
  • skylarjo04skylarjo04 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    First off, none of you have any idea of the conversation I had with her, so why do you assume that I was only concerned with myself and that I wasn't being supportive of her? She was the one who told me to replace her, I told her I did not want to and I never said to her or on here that I was actually going to do it.
    Why am I so upset? My family has never been there for me and it may cloud my perception sometimes. I never ask to be the center of attention, I never want to be the center of attention, but this is something that is very important to me and I have been receiving little to no support from my family. I had already lost a bridesmaid earlier and this was just something that kind of pushed me over. You are all so quick to judge me just based off of a paragraph I post on some website.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_lost-bridesmaidsorry-might-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:db422d1c-84fb-4511-be22-79f62ed549fePost:bc19cd95-954e-4cd3-8d86-a2c2d5692495">Re: Lost a bridesmaid...sorry might be long</a>:
    [QUOTE]You are all so quick to judge me just based off of a paragraph I post on some website.
    Posted by skylarjo04[/QUOTE]

    Just a hint...when that's all we're given to work with, we use what we have.  If you wanted all those facts taken into consideration, you should have stated them.

    P.S.  Even after taking the additional information into consideration, I still think you're being a whiny drama queen.
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  • skylarjo04skylarjo04 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    And I still don't care. I am hurt and I have a right to be hurt. I am not taking it out on her and I understand her position but I can't stop my feeling the way I do. If that makes me a bad person in your eyes than I guess thats too bad.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_lost-bridesmaidsorry-might-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:db422d1c-84fb-4511-be22-79f62ed549fePost:abd9115d-91b4-48c0-89c9-2d37f22a807f">Re: Lost a bridesmaid...sorry might be long</a>:
    [QUOTE]And I still don't care. I am hurt and I have a right to be hurt. I am not taking it out on her and I understand her position but I can't stop my feeling the way I do. If that makes me a bad person in your eyes than I guess thats too bad.
    Posted by skylarjo04[/QUOTE]

    Predictable.
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  • skylarjo04skylarjo04 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
  • skylarjo04skylarjo04 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    And was not asking for validation, I was asking for advice on what to do about the wedding party. I think it is completely ok that I am upset that she is not going to be in my wedding- she is my sister and I really wanted her to be a part of it. Having said that, I also completely understand why she has decided to step down, but it doesn't take away my disappointment. I am not going to hold this against her and I WILL be there for her when she needs me, even when she doesn't ask for it. She told me to replace her but I wasn't sure if that is the right thing to do. I'm glad I at least got some constructive cristism from a couple people.
  • edited December 2011
    If you're not asking for validation, you might consider not putting all your effort into making such a strong case for it.  Just saying.
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  • skylarjo04skylarjo04 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    That would be because my "case" isn't about my support for my sister. Because that was not the issue. I support my sister. I love her very much and I will be there for her during this dificult time. YOU have ignored the question and point of my post. So unless you can contribute to what I should do about my wedding party now that she is not going to be in the wedding, I suggest just butting out.
  • edited December 2011
    Ooooh....NOW it makes sense:

    http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_young-brides

    http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_this-wedding

    http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_not-taken-seriously

    By the way, if you want real advice, here it is: your wedding isn't even happening until June.  This does not make it "crunch time" for bridesmaids dresses.  She might even change her mind between now and then.  I had to scramble with one of my good friends who thought she couldn't be a bridesmaid due to money issues, and then discovered at the last minute that her finances weren't as bad as she thought.  We just ordered her dress the week before last, and it's already in.  Accomodations can be made.  There's enough REAL drama that comes with planning a wedding.  Don't make more.
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    skylar, you can be sad that she decided to drop out but fact remains that you need to just respect her decision and move on. Why dwell on something you can not change? And even if she said, "replace me" do NOT do it. Trust me, it will might come back and bite you in the butt in the future, so just don't do it.
  • skylarjo04skylarjo04 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Wow, you care waaaaaay too much.  And yes it is crunch time for oderding dresses when the shop itself told me that they need to be ordered at LEAST 6 months in advance. And I told her that I was not going to exactly rush into making a decision, ie she has a week or two to really think it over again now that she talked to me about it openly.

    Oh and nice job trying to make me look bad. Feel better now that you have ripped on some one else? I would love to know what your insecurites are that you have to be so involved in mine.
  • skylarjo04skylarjo04 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    That is very true, but when does it become harrassment and why should I put up with it? Starting to really hate this website and the boards. Hope your happy, I'm probably deleting my account. Everyone here always has something negative to say when something is happening to someone else and forget to put themselves in their shoes. I can't believe some of the comments I read and how rude they are, and I'm not just talking about the ones directed towards me.  You can disagree with someone, but there is no need to call people names or get snippy with them when they are just asking for genuine advice.  Perhaps people post things and don't realize how bad they sound and they need someone to point that out to them-fine- but there is a right way and a wrong way to do so.
  • edited December 2011
    Believe me, sugar, that's not "ripping".  If I were "ripping" on you, you'd know it. 

    I have a daughter your age.  Just so you know, she's reading this thread, too, and she completely agrees that your priorities are not in line here.  Also for the record, I simply re-posted what you had already said, nothing more.  I didn't say it made you a bad person, I simply said that your youth and inexperience explain a lot about your viewpoint, which it does. You jumped to the rest of the conclusions on your own.

    I'm plenty secure in myself, thanks...the only insecurities I have relate to the size of my thighs and my bank account, and making sure my family comes first in everything.  That comes with experience, and yes, age.  I simply thought you might be open to other points of view, since you asked for them. Discussion is kind of the point of a discussion board. My mistake.  Silly me.  Please accept my sincere apology and continue having your unshakable and, in your mind, completely justified, point of view.  By no means should you let opinions you requested yourself get in your way.

    I'll say no more on the subject.
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  • skylarjo04skylarjo04 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think it is completely ok that I am upset that she is not going to be in my wedding- she is my sister and I really wanted her to be a part of it. Having said that, I also completely understand why she has decided to step down, but it doesn't take away my disappointment. I am not going to hold this against her and I WILL be there for her when she needs me, even when she doesn't ask for it. She told me to replace her but I wasn't sure if that is the right thing to do. I'm glad I at least got some constructive cristism from a couple people.
  • orangecrush32orangecrush32 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry your sister won't be able to be in your wedding party because she's going through a tough time. :( I'm glad that you'll be there for her in her time of need, that's what sisters are for. But like others said, don't replace her. I know she said it'd be fine, but there's no reason to select someone else who you obviously didn't want in your wedding party before this.
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  • lisab613lisab613 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    skylar, i'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. it would be very disappointing, that makes total sense to me. i'm sure she thinks this is the best for everyone involved; maybe she's afraid she'll be too sad on the actual day about her situation, and she doesn't want her pain to cloud your day. hang in there!
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  • edited December 2011
    Skylar, sorry that you feel everyone's being hard on you.  Please go back and read your original post.  It basically sounds like "me me me me sister is having a hard time me me me me."  On the Knot, the only tools you have to express yourself are your words.  All we see is your text and the tone of your first post insinuated that you were more concerned about how this affects your wedding and not how your sister is doing.  My original advice still stands.  Tell her you'll have a place for her if she changes her mind, but don't ever replace her. 
  • edited December 2011
    I'm sorry, all I'm reading at this point is "blah blah blah blah blah."  Oh, and you're still a brat.  :)
    panther
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_lost-bridesmaidsorry-might-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:db422d1c-84fb-4511-be22-79f62ed549fePost:172e44e6-235b-4de9-b9d4-fe685baa7dfc">Re: Lost a bridesmaid...sorry might be long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow, you care waaaaaay too much.  And yes it is crunch time for oderding dresses when the shop itself told me that they need to be ordered at LEAST 6 months in advance. And I told her that I was not going to exactly rush into making a decision, ie she has a week or two to really think it over again now that she talked to me about it openly.<strong> Oh and nice job trying to make me look bad</strong>. Feel better now that you have ripped on some one else? I would love to know what your insecurites are that you have to be so involved in mine.
    Posted by skylarjo04[/QUOTE]

    Oh pumpkin, we don't need to try to make you look bad -- you're doing a fantastic job of that all on your own!
  • jerseydeviljerseydevil member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_lost-bridesmaidsorry-might-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:db422d1c-84fb-4511-be22-79f62ed549fePost:ce689ba5-1f39-40ba-9740-25aa6ce3a5ce">Re: Lost a bridesmaid...sorry might be long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Skylar, sorry that you feel everyone's being hard on you.  Please go back and read your original post.  It basically sounds like "me me me me sister is having a hard time me me me me."  On the Knot, the only tools you have to express yourself are your words.  All we see is your text and the tone of your first post insinuated that you were more concerned about how this affects your wedding and not how your sister is doing.  My original advice still stands.  <strong>Tell her you'll have a place for her if she changes her mind, but don't ever replace her.</strong> 
    Posted by marissa_claire[/QUOTE]

    That sums up my thoughts on it. I would be upset in your situation too, but I would also move past it and make sure that she has all the support that she needs. Divorces are ugly and if I was going through that, I would also have a hard time being in a wedding.
  • ckonidakckonidak member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_lost-bridesmaidsorry-might-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:db422d1c-84fb-4511-be22-79f62ed549fePost:e89ba6e2-7d45-4a51-afd4-5cd556618d48">Re: Lost a bridesmaid...sorry might be long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Skylar, the person who should "be there for you" is your fiance. It's good practice for the marriage. You don't need "support" from your sister for this. Nothing about a wedding needs "support" or "someone to be there" for you. It's a happy time. Happiness doesn't need people to "be there for you" or "support" you. You need people to "support" you and "be there" for you when you undergo great personal trauma.....like a divorce. Ask not what your sister can do for you. Ask what you can do for your sister....and in this case it's to give her a hug and remember that watching your wedding is likely to be painful enough (a reminder of the promises she thought were forever) and forget that she'll be in the audience instead of standing beside you. You want validation, and won't get it here.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]


    OP, sorry, I know you feel like crap over this whole situation. but Ditto. :-( Love her unconditionally and understand that your vows will remind her of her own failed ones. It'll be a tough day for her and I think it was quite brave of her to talk so openly with you. (its clear that you love your sister, that's not in doubt, but this is one day in your entire lifetime, dont let your wedding day make you lose sight of the bigger picture).
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  • pretzelgrrlpretzelgrrl member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Slylar-
        I thik I can inderstand where you are coming from.  You love your sister and want to support her but on that very special day you would like to see your sister up there with you and happy for you.  I think you can only tell her that you understand (even if you don't) and will be there for her.  I agree with some of posters who say go with the uneven number but tell your sister if she changes her mind you would love to include her because she is important to you and it won't be the same without her.

       I am sorry eveyone has been tough on you especialy someone showing your posts...that was actually very immature of them.  I think a lot of people here are very quick to judge right away without thinking.  I agree with some of posters who say go with the uneven number but tell yo
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  • snadlickisnadlicki member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Feeling sad/hurt/upset that your sister will not be in your wedding is understandable. I would be having some of the same emotions if I were in your situation.

    However, that being said, sisters are human too. Just because you are getting married, that doesn't mean that the pain she is going through is gone (even for that one day). This was probably a very difficult choice for her to make, and I am sure she is happy and supportive of you, but just feels that she can't pretend that she is in a place emotionally to be in the wedding party. Also, I am not trying to suggest that you are not being supportive of her because I don't know the situation. But bottom line is, do not replace her, the fact that you are this upset over the situation should be proof to that fact she is not replaceable!



    Also, on an unrelated note, I have noticed on many posts brides bringing up age. I guess I would be considered a 'young bride' (24) .... I don't think that age necessarily = drama? Opinions?
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