Moms and Maids

BM Issue....very confused

I am getting married in March and as expected, I asked my sister to be a BM. She has been very difficult and it's causing a lot of stress. I let her know the dress boutique required an order four months before the wedding. I extended it to 5 because of winter storms, which the boutique recommended. She got very annoyed because she is planning on losing weight and would not be able to fit into the size she ordered in October at the time of the wedding. I told her we had to abide by the policies of the boutique and she was rather rude about it. Then when I showed her the dress, she told me she liked another better. 

I've tried to be really patient but she is critical by nature and it's causing a major ripple. I want my wedding day to be peaceful, and I'm not sure what to do. I explained that a bridesmaid is expected to support the bride and not be critical and she told me she won't be fake and would rather be honest. 

Would it be horrible of me to ask her not to be a BM? I've seen her create so much stress in weddings and I really don't want to repeat that...my fiance wants her out of the wedding party really bad because he says it's stealing the joy out of the situation.  I've tried to calmly handle it and let her be aware of how I felt but she doesn't seem to care. She is also planning a vow renewal service/i.e. full second wedding for three years from now and everytime I talk about the wedding, she talks about her own plans. I politely asked her if she could refrain from talking about it with me while I'm planning my own wedding and she got really mad. 

I just am afraid that by the time the wedding got here, we would be ready to kill each other. I would almost rather hurt her feelings a little now and preserve our relationship in the long term. Thoughts?

Re: BM Issue....very confused

  • edited December 2011
    You can't kick her out of the WP...if she leave on her own that might be different. Once you ask someone they are in til the end. Plus I doubt it would preserve your relationship, even in the long run.

    I would just keep telling her what you've been telling her. She may not like it but she should be aware of how you are feeling. If you really want a specific dress she needs to deal with that. If she's planning on losing weight she should order a smaller dress. Just make it clear that you are calling the shots, not her.

    Just breath and don't let her negativity get you down. When you feel the need to maim or kill, just remember its your and your FI's day, not hers. She's had her day and is apparently planning another.

  • scpalmtree06scpalmtree06 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Ask her what would happen if the tables were turned.  If she was the one getting married, and you were her BM pitching a fit over every detail, how would that make her feel?  Then go from there.

  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-issuevery-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dbe68cda-3a46-4152-a09d-35687ee33218Post:2764f047-d51c-4f34-bbf6-5dce5ac89e2b">BM Issue....very confused</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am getting married in March and as expected, I asked my sister to be a BM. She has been very difficult and it's causing a lot of stress. I let her know the dress boutique required an order four months before the wedding. I extended it to 5 because of winter storms, which the boutique recommended. She got very annoyed because she is planning on losing weight and would not be able to fit into the size she ordered in October at the time of the wedding. I told her we had to abide by the policies of the boutique and she was rather rude about it. Then when I showed her the dress, she told me she liked another better.  I've tried to be really patient but she is critical by nature and it's causing a major ripple. I want my wedding day to be peaceful, and I'm not sure what to do. I explained that a bridesmaid is expected to support the bride and not be critical and she told me she won't be fake and would rather be honest.  Would it be horrible of me to ask her not to be a BM? I've seen her create so much stress in weddings and I really don't want to repeat that...my fiance wants her out of the wedding party really bad because he says it's stealing the joy out of the situation.  I've tried to calmly handle it and let her be aware of how I felt but she doesn't seem to care. She is also planning a vow renewal service/i.e. full second wedding for three years from now and everytime I talk about the wedding, she talks about her own plans. I politely asked her if she could refrain from talking about it with me while I'm planning my own wedding and she got really mad.  I just am afraid that by the time the wedding got here, we would be ready to kill each other. I would almost rather hurt her feelings a little now and preserve our relationship in the long term. Thoughts?
    Posted by gambitsgirl[/QUOTE]

    <div>Here's what you do.  </div><div>
    </div><div>1. Stop talking about your wedding with her.  It just gets you upset so don't put yourself in that situation anymore.</div><div>
    </div><div>2. You're wedding is quite sometime away.  They don't need to order dresses until late October.  Give her all the information for the dress.  Remind her of the deadline in early October.  Wash your hands of it.  If she orders the dress on time, great.  If not then your sister is excluding herself from your wedding party.</div><div>
    </div><div>3.  She's your sister.  If you kick her out of your WP, it will make you look like a b*tch no matter the circumstances.  And I'm sure that it won't go over well with the rest of your family.  Just suck it up for now and try to avoid any wedding talk.</div>
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-issuevery-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dbe68cda-3a46-4152-a09d-35687ee33218Post:a85e647b-e267-4c9e-b232-431d74a94333">Re: BM Issue....very confused</a>:
    [QUOTE]If she's planning on losing weight she should order a smaller dress. 
    Posted by stacy&tige[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is not the best advice.  There have been many, many brides come on here saying that their BM ordered a dress too small and now the seamstress cannot fix it.  Your BM need to order the size they are when they order it.  Its much easier to take in the dress than let it out.  Anybody working in the bridal store will tell you that.</div>
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    ditto Jagore.  Her advice in both posts was excellent.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    I was going to say EXACTLY the same things.  No one is forcing you to talk about it with her.  So stop.  When it is time to order dresses, give her the info.  She either orders or she doesn't...her choice.

    Don't let other people make you crazy now...you have a LONG way to go and many other people will try to drive you crazy before then!  Learn to smile sweetly and walk away.  Sealed
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone. I don't want to cause conflict with her and I know I say too much to her about the wedding. I just always thought I would be able to when the time came to plan the wedding. I told her how I felt and that it was up to her to decide on the bridesmaid dress by October. The ball is in her court. Thank you for the advice everyone. I really appreciate it. 
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-issuevery-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dbe68cda-3a46-4152-a09d-35687ee33218Post:2764f047-d51c-4f34-bbf6-5dce5ac89e2b">BM Issue....very confused</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am getting married in March and as expected, I asked my sister to be a BM. She has been very difficult and it's causing a lot of stress. I let her know the dress boutique required an order four months before the wedding. I extended it to 5 because of winter storms, which the boutique recommended. She got very annoyed because she is planning on losing weight and would not be able to fit into the size she ordered in October at the time of the wedding. I told her we had to abide by the policies of the boutique and she was rather rude about it. Then when I showed her the dress, she told me she liked another better.  I've tried to be really patient but she is critical by nature and it's causing a major ripple. I want my wedding day to be peaceful, and I'm not sure what to do. I explained that a bridesmaid is expected to support the bride and not be critical and she told me she won't be fake and would rather be honest.  Would it be horrible of me to ask her not to be a BM? I've seen her create so much stress in weddings and I really don't want to repeat that...my fiance wants her out of the wedding party really bad because he says it's stealing the joy out of the situation.  I've tried to calmly handle it and let her be aware of how I felt but she doesn't seem to care. She is also planning a vow renewal service/i.e. full second wedding for three years from now and <strong>e</strong><strong>verytime I talk about the wedding, she talks about her own plans. I politely asked her if she could refrain from talking about it with me while I'm planning my own wedding and she got really mad.</strong>  I just am afraid that by the time the wedding got here, we would be ready to kill each other. I would almost rather hurt her feelings a little now and preserve our relationship in the long term. Thoughts?
    Posted by gambitsgirl[/QUOTE]<div>The bolded bit was selfish on your part.  Is there really a moratorium on people planning their own parties through your entire engagement?  Come on!</div><div>
    </div><div>She doesn't care about the wedding. Accept it.  My sister didn't care about our wedding either.  I didn't talk to her about it.  She was a brat, I didnt' let it bother me, and as far as I'm concerned the wedding was great.  These things don't have to bother you, you're just letting them.  Don't be "that" bride who boots her own sister--that is how EVERYONE will see it.  Things will only ruin your day if you let them.  So don't let them.</div>
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