I'm uncomfortable with how much FI family is paying. What should I do?

qtkimmi82

My future in-laws are awesome in so many ways.  The problem is that I was wanting a simple affair and they are planning over the top.  They are more than willing to pay for everything they want, but it makes me feel uncomfortable.  I have no idea how to explain that their ideas are wonderful, but it's not what I have dreamed about.  Any advice?

waltzingmatilda13

Unfortunately whoever pays gets a say. If you're accepting all the money from them, then you do need to let them plan.

If you want something smaller and simpler, you'll need to decline their gracious offer and you and FI pay for the wedding you want to have.

hlq2011

What PP said.  If they are paying, they have control.

That said, have you tried to talk to them about YOUR vision for your wedding?  Maybe they will be amenable to compromising on some things to make you more comfortable.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-uncomfortable-much-fi-family-paying-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dc8b6716-c113-4044-bd78-50da473e5e41Post:c1803a52-61d2-4819-b4ba-26b758cf8289">I'm uncomfortable with how much FI family is paying. What should I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]My future in-laws are awesome in so many ways.  The problem is that I was wanting a simple affair and they are planning over the top.  They are more than willing to pay for everything they want, but it makes me feel uncomfortable.  I have no idea how to explain that their ideas are wonderful, but it's not what I have dreamed about.  Any advice?
Posted by qtkimmi82[/QUOTE]
If you're accepting the money, you accept the strings that come with it.  It's not all about your "vision" and if it's that important to you, you need to pony up your own money for it.  <div>
</div><div>Also, while I think it's perfectly reasonable and understandable to want a wedding a certain way, there comes a point where it becomes silly to insist on having the wedding just as you "dreamed" it.  You're not the only person getting married and not the only person who's invested in it--time for compromise. Particularly, again, if they're paying.</div>

[Deleted User]

Ditto pp's. Whoever pays, has the say. This is not to say they won't or can't listen to your ideas, but don't be disappointed if they don't. If you don't share the same vision they have for your wedding, then tell your FI and he needs to have a talk with them so that you can decline their offer and pay for it yourselves.

DanielleZZ

Be honest with them about how you are feeling.  Talk to your FI about what he wants.

gailpete

First you need to make sure you and FI are on the same page as far as what you want for your wedding.  If you are in agreement, you need to sit down with his parents and explain what you'd like to see.  If they insist on something different, then you need to be ready to either accept a different style wedding then you originally planned, or accept that you will have to decline their generous offer and pay for your wedding on your own.

Hopefully you'll be able to decide on a happy medium between your "dream' wedding and what your FILs are planning.

Good luck.

Summer2011Bride

I understand what PP's are saying, and I also understand that if you were wanting a smaller, less extravagant affair, having an over-the-top wedding may be miserable for you.

I think you just explain what you were thinking to them. I would say, "I understand this is not your vision, and we are so thankful you have been gracious in offering to financial help, but we would really like a smaller wedding and would be fine with footing the bill for it ourselves." They may still offer to pay for it and you can graciously accept. If not, you'll have to pay yourselves to get the wedding you want. But at least you won't be uncomfortable.

lalap69

Where's your FI in all of this?  Have you and he privately discussed what you want for your wedding?  Once you two have figured out what you want you can talk to his parents together - either to get them on the same page or to decline their offer and pay for the wedding yourselves.

lilcassers

Coming from someone who wishes we had help, I would accept their gracious gifts and express to them how much you appreciate them. I would also tell them in a nice way that although they are contributing, you are not an "over the top" kind of person. If they are as cool as you say they are, they should understand and want to assue that you like what they are picking out. Sit down with them and explain your vision and see if they can work with you on it and tone their ideas down a bit.

ChanelShades

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-uncomfortable-much-fi-family-paying-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dc8b6716-c113-4044-bd78-50da473e5e41Post:010905f0-7d11-4c31-adf0-2f0664e288c4">Re: I'm uncomfortable with how much FI family is paying. What should I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Be honest with them about how you are feeling.  Talk to your FI about what he wants.
Posted by DanielleZZ[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div>

calindi

They might just think you're being gracious, but secretly want a bigger fancier wedding.

While those who pay get a say, I think it's perfectly fine to have a conversation about the overall vision of the wedding.  Let them know that it's not the budget, it's literally that you would like a smaller, more intimate wedding.  If they still insist, then you might have to go with it or pay for the wedding yourself, depending on how much it matters to you.

As far as feeling "uncomfortable" - if you DO truly want a bigger wedding but feel guilty that they're paying so much money, then tell them that you feel uncomfortable accepting such a generous offer, and would like to pay for some of it yourself.  Chances are they're happy to help you and their son have the wedding of your dreams, so if it's simply a matter of feeling guilty over the price tag, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you didn't twist their arm to do this - it clearly makes them happy.

ChanelShades

Pay for it yourself.

SarahElizabeth523

I think that it is ridiculous when people say whoever pays gets say over your wedding. Their money is a gift and if they didn't want to give it to you then they didn't have to. talk to them about how you feel, I'm sure that they will understand.

deb84

I agree with a previous poster.  First: Discuss it with your FI and make sure the two of you are on the same page.  Second: BOTH of you meet with FIL's and explain your vision for the wedding.  See if you can compromise. 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-uncomfortable-much-fi-family-paying-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dc8b6716-c113-4044-bd78-50da473e5e41Post:d921b293-3443-46b1-9c4d-0bc0a2afb0cc">Re: I'm uncomfortable with how much FI family is paying. What should I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that it is ridiculous when people say whoever pays gets say over your wedding. Their money is a gift and if they didn't want to give it to you then they didn't have to. talk to them about how you feel, I'm sure that they will understand.
Posted by SarahElizabeth523[/QUOTE]
It's their money and they get to choose how it's spent.  Yeah, the money shouldn't really come with strings, but it usually does.  It's unreasonable for the couple to ask their parents to just write the checks and shut up, unless the parents indicate that it's how THEY want to handle it.  If the couple doesn't like that, they can pay for their party themselves.  Parents are under no obligation to contribute a dime.

SCogs18

You and your fiancee should sit down with them and explain that you really do want a smaller and more simple affair.  They may just be assuming what they want is that you want.  This might be a non-issue and they could totally understand.  If not, you may have to decline their assistance.