MOTB Control

hdmartin

OK, I love my mom very much and my parents are footing most of the bill for our wedding. But she is turning into a control freak. Each time I ask her to back off, she turns around and calls me a drama queen. My fiance recently lost his job, and I got a new one, and I asked her to take a break from the wedding planning for a month so we can get through this. Well, she couldn't do it. She decided to design the programs, which were very, very, very ugly and poorly done (and she misspelled my future in-laws names wrong, again). (She also insisted I get cupcakes after I ordered the cake we wanted) She's guilt-ed me into choosing stuff that we don't want and doesn't understand that it's not her party. I've tried to calmly talk to her, but it doens't sink in. I understand that she's excited, but her controlling nature is driving me nuts and giving me bad anxiety. How do I get her to back off?   

hdmartin

She's just taking all the fun out of it.

sarah42nd

Thats what happens when you let someone else cover the bill. The only way to solve the problem is to not accept her money and cover the expenses yourself or plan a smaller wedding.

McKenna2012

If you pay for it yourself, you can tell her to back off. Otherwise, she gets a say.

vicki0508

Since she's paying for it, it really is her party.

Allycat11

To an extent I agree with previous posts.  The person paying really has the final say however, if your mom was reasonable she would care about what you wanted more.

 I've had the same type of struggles with my mom since day 1 and here is what I have done to get through it so far. 1.) When she took control of everything right away and had me in tears multiple times over it, I called my dad and asked him to talk to her.  He was able to remind her it was my wedding, not hers. She was hurt at first but that cooled down after a few days.  So any kind of 3rd party that may be able to fix it is an option.  2.) I've picked my battles.  I wanted a bar upgrade (Still offering a full open bar just not with top shelf liquors) and an expensive band, I dropped the bar upgrade argument in order to get the band I wanted. 
For my situation of control freak mother it has worked.  I know my mom just has that type of personality and she is just excited about the wedding and your mom is probably the same. 
A couple more ideas:  Try talking to her about your frustrations if you haven't yet, she may not even realize what she is doing.  Also, keep her busy with things you know she can do properly, that way she is involved but not taking over completely.

GoodLuckBear14

It's her money, then it's her party.  She may also come from a generation of women that did not get to plan their own weddings - their mothers did it for them. 

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_motb-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:dd58e79f-4be5-4d7c-adca-1b1400d2d1c5Post:b7eec6c5-21c5-45d8-b8b5-c894ad68ce13">MOTB Control</a>:
[QUOTE]OK, I love my mom very much and my parents are footing most of the bill for our wedding. But she is turning into a control freak. Each time I ask her to back off, she turns around and calls me a drama queen. My fiance recently lost his job, and I got a new one, and I asked her to take a break from the wedding planning for a month so we can get through this. Well, she couldn't do it. She decided to design the programs, which were very, very, very ugly and poorly done (and she misspelled my future in-laws names wrong, again). (She also insisted I get cupcakes after I ordered the cake we wanted) She's guilt-ed me into choosing stuff that we don't want and doesn't understand that it's not her party. I've tried to calmly talk to her, but it doens't sink in. I understand that she's excited, but her controlling nature is driving me nuts and giving me bad anxiety. How do I get her to back off?   
Posted by hdmartin[/QUOTE]

JIC

MairePoppy

If your parents are paying for your wedding, they get to determine how involved they want to be in the planning. Apparently, your mom wants to be very involved. You can try to reason with her by explaining what your 'vision' is for your wedding. Hopefully, she will orient toward doing things that suit your tastes. Or, you could pay for  those things that your mom doesn't want to spend money on, such as the wedding cake you wanted. Her decision on the cupcakes may have been based on her budget.

I hope your mom didn't order the programs that she designed. Spelling the IL's names wrong is definitely bad form. Let her know that you would like to work on those kinds of projects together.

Sonita12

Unfortunately, the fact that they are "footing most of the bill" means she has a major say in your wedding and on what she wishes to spend her money.

I agree that you may want to just pick your battles on things that mean the most to you, but expect that you still may not get what you want. If you're willing to pay for some of the items you want most, that will likely be your best bet.

Muffin'sMom

I understand what everyone is saying above, but I also think there are missed opportunities to make a connection on the plan.

You have to sit down and talk to her...no one else around.  Ask her about her wedding.  Did she get to plan?  I know that I did not...it just wasn't how things were done.  Ask her how it made her feel back then.  While I remember my wedding with a great deal of joy because I married my husband, I have no ownership...it wasn't anything about me.  Ask her if that is how she wants you to feel.

Then tell her that there are things that are really important to you that you don't want to compromise on, and things that that you are completely open to sharing.  BE SPECIFIC and be prepared.

If she refuses to see the way to work together, then you have to be prepared to say that you will walk away from all the plans and put on the wedding that is about you on a budget you can afford.

I know that MY experience made it IMPORTANT for me to make sure that my daughter had her day be about her, not me.  While there were things she did that I would have done differently...in the end she has a wonderful memory.  AND she has even more respect for a mother and father who were willing to give that to her.

earnshaw1000

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_motb-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dd58e79f-4be5-4d7c-adca-1b1400d2d1c5Post:4a7b61c5-144f-4b21-935c-c3d084546a12">Re: MOTB Control</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand what everyone is saying above, but I also think there are missed opportunities to make a connection on the plan. You have to sit down and talk to her...no one else around.  Ask her about her wedding.  Did she get to plan?  I know that I did not...it just wasn't how things were done.  Ask her how it made her feel back then.  While I remember my wedding with a great deal of joy because I married my husband, I have no ownership...it wasn't anything about me.  Ask her if that is how she wants you to feel. Then tell her that there are things that are really important to you that you don't want to compromise on, and things that that you are completely open to sharing.  BE SPECIFIC and be prepared. If she refuses to see the way to work together, then you have to be prepared to say that you will walk away from all the plans and put on the wedding that is about you on a budget you can afford. I know that MY experience made it IMPORTANT for me to make sure that my daughter had her day be about her, not me.  While there were things she did that I would have done differently...in the end she has a wonderful memory.  AND she has even more respect for a mother and father who were willing to give that to her.
Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]
I agree with what the above poster said.  Be very specific and let her know what's important to you.  But don't do it when either of you are upset and "fighting" for your way. 

hdmartin

Thanks, all.