MOB

SheImp

My mother has dementia and really has no clue I am her daughter even after being her caretaker for several months.  My brothers and I have talked about not having her come to the shower or the wedding.  I feel bad because she is my mother but she has no clue whats going on and easly frustered by lots of people and noise.  Both my brothers are part of the wedding party and we will not be able to shut off the caretaker in ourselves to enjoy the day.  Is it wrong to not have her attend?  And if so how do I break it to rest the family (aunts/uncles)?  

Thank you!

Clare13

Is there a way that you can arrange for her to attend just the ceremony?  I assume she has someone else who will be the caretaker during this time who may be able to bring her.  I understand that this is a very difficult decision and without knowing specifics about her situation, I don't know if this would even be appropriate but may be a suggestion.  Otherwise, I don't think you have to explain it to your aunts and uncles.  I assume they have been around and know her condition.  That should be enough in itself.  If she can not attend I would plan on doing something to recognize her. 

trix1223

My DIL was in the same position with her grandfather.  First let me say that I'm so sorry for your situation.  My mom began to suffer from dementia at the end of her life, and it's so hard to watch.  My heart goes out to you.

My DIL had her grandpa at the ceremony, and he was "attended" by an aunt and uncle who were guests at the wedding.  After the ceremony, he was taken home where a respite care provider took care of him for the rest of the night.

I know that dementia patients can get flustered when they're in an new situation, and only you know how your mom might react to that.

Is there a way that you could have your mom cared for at home  by a respite caregiver during your ceremony, and you and your FI make time in your schedule to go visit her between the ceremony and reception.  You could have some pictures taken with her as you're all beautifully dressed.

You'll cherish those photos later.

Good luck to you.  Your mom has a wonderful daughter.  I know you're a blessing to her.  You'll be in my prayers.

MairePoppy

You are not wrong. It sounds as though it's not in your moms best interest to attend your wedding. People with dementia do not adapt well to strange settings. And it would probably be frustrating for her to be around so many people that she cannot remember. You shouldn't feel guilty about leaving her with a caregiver. You can tell the aunts and uncles that you have discussed this with her doctor and you are following his advice.

We will be facing the same situation in regards to my MIL attending my DD's wedding. I will not feel bad about leaving her at the nursing home, where she feels safe and comfortable.

Good luck, don't feel guilty about whatever decision you make.

Muffin'sMom

You will be doing her a great kindness.  I have seen first hand the panic.  And, while it is uncomfortable for those watching, it is terrifying for those experiencing it.  Perhaps her physician may be willing to write a recommendation.  As for the ceremony...start talking with her about it now.  Get her an outfit and have her try it on.  Get her used to the idea.  If she struggles at all, back off and ease up to it again.  Also, sit down with your family members NOW.  Have the information from the doc and speak about it not from YOUR viewpoint, but from your mother's.  Don't say ANYTHING that they can turn around to say that you don't want a blot on your pretty princess day...you know what I mean?  If you need to, write itout beforehand so you are sure and so that emotions don't get the best of you.

I know how much you want her there.  I wanted my mother at my DD's wedding, but although she is alive, the grandma that Heather knew is gone and no amount of wishful thinking will bring her back.  We will cherish the memories, and our memory of her was there in spirit.

MOBinFL2008

I have nothing further to add to the wonderful advice that you've been given by the previous posters.

However, I do want to say that I admire you for putting your Mom and her best interests first.  I'm sure this is very difficult for you but you are proving to be a very loving daughter which is a great tribute to your mother and the way you were raised.

sbily2010

fi's great grandmother is going threw this too. Its a scary and sad thing. i already know she wont be attending she doesn't even attend holidays anymore because of the stress on her. and what we all do is just send a plate of food her way. it may be an idea for u to do that. Grandma has said if we do that for the wedding great grandma would get mad and confused any way, again it's just a sad thing. you could also do something like people do for those who have passed away just silently honor her even though she can't be there.