Moms and Maids

Is it ever ok for a BM to step down?

I'm playing devils advocate here.  Partially because it bafftles me and partially because I don't know the answer.
 
And especially because I'm curious and just want to know what people think!

Sooooooooooo................

We all know a bride cannot kick out a bridesmaid unless she attempts murder or tries to sleep with FI.  And if she does, for any reason other than these, the bride is ending the friendship and basically being a crazy bridezilla.

But what about a bridesmaid who wants to step down?  Other than being pregnant or financially unstable, why do we give less crap to the BM that is considering backing out.  Isn't it an equally terrible offense that would end a friendship as well?

Anniversary

Re: Is it ever ok for a BM to step down?

  • mcskatcatmcskatcat member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Because it's okay to not be able to afford something.  Because most of the time when a BM steps down it's because the bride is expecting too much. 

    I cannot think of hardly any circumstances where a BM is stepping down because she is being a bad friend.  However, I can think of a ton of instances where the bride kicking out the BM is the bride being a bad friend. 
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ever-ok-bm-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dee482b0-9e1c-4b7b-b07a-79d93ed8f826Post:e1ff7edb-d54e-46c6-b592-44df5d019cc4">Re: Is it ever ok for a BM to step down?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Because it's okay to not be able to afford something.  Because most of the time when a BM steps down it's because the bride is expecting too much.  I cannot think of hardly any circumstances where a BM is stepping down because she is being a bad friend.  However, I can think of a ton of instances where the bride kicking out the BM is the bride being a bad friend. 
    Posted by mcskatcat[/QUOTE]


    This, pretty much.
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I can't think of a situation where it WOULDN'T be okay for a BM to step down.  The request to be in a wedding is not a subpoena, and the BM has the right to change her mind whenever she wants, especially if the bride is changing the circumstances on her.

    I also don't see a BM stepping down for whatever reason (unless the reason is "I hate you and want to light you on fire") as friendship-ending unless the bride is a total 'zilla drama queen.  Generally, a good friend will understand if someone can no longer follow through.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ever-ok-bm-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:dee482b0-9e1c-4b7b-b07a-79d93ed8f826Post:7f636372-3f64-422d-a03f-f8831dd36fde">Re: Is it ever ok for a BM to step down?</a>:
    [QUOTE]  The request to be in a wedding is not a subpoena, and <strong>the BM has the right to change her mind whenever she wants, especially if the bride is changing the circumstances on her</strong>..
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    i can understand this.  you're right, that is def unreasonable.

     it just seems like it would be equally insulting for a BM to back out for reasons other than the above stated, pregnancy, illness or financial problems. 

    i mean, we tell brides all the time to deal with their BM's not calling them back or responding to them and usually assume the bride had something to do with them not responding.  we also say "just suck it up" if a BM waits to the last minute to buy her dress, tries to squeeze into a too small dress, or complains about the wedding.  we tell brides that "she just removed herself from the wedding" if a BM doesn't show up the day of.

    i see both sides, because some brides have a serious sense of self entitlement.  i just wonder if we get so used to brides overreacting that we have a tendency to tell them all that they just have to deal with a difficult bridesmaid?  

    a good friend, to me, who has been asked to be a bridesmaid or MOH, should know that there is a lot of planning involved in weddings.  she should be communicating with the bride, buying her dress within a proper timeframe, showing up clean, sober and on time.

    if she doesn't do these things, the bride is condemned for asking to boot them.

    some BM's ARE crappy.  and it usually doesn't  have anything to do with them being bad BM's but more of bad friends.

    so i guess all i'm saying is that brides have to deal with stuff and have to live with it.  but if a BM thinks the bride is being overbearing or difficult, she has the right to decline?  

    absolutely.  but i think its a yucky move.  
    Anniversary
  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ever-ok-bm-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:dee482b0-9e1c-4b7b-b07a-79d93ed8f826Post:a67df941-b568-497e-8e81-4e138f8dec76">Re: Is it ever ok for a BM to step down?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ever ok for a BM to step down? : i can understand this.  you're right, that is def unreasonable.  it just seems like it would be equally insulting for a BM to back out for reasons other than the above stated, pregnancy, illness or financial problems.  i mean, we tell brides all the time to deal with their BM's not calling them back or responding to them and usually assume the bride had something to do with them not responding.  we also say "just suck it up" if a BM waits to the last minute to buy her dress, tries to squeeze into a too small dress, or complains about the wedding.  we tell brides that "she just removed herself from the wedding" if a BM doesn't show up the day of. i see both sides, because some brides have a serious sense of self entitlement.  i just wonder if we get so used to brides overreacting that we have a tendency to tell them all that they just have to deal with a difficult bridesmaid?   a good friend, to me, who has been asked to be a bridesmaid or MOH, should know that there is a lot of planning involved in weddings.  she should be communicating with the bride, buying her dress within a proper timeframe, showing up clean, sober and on time. if she doesn't do these things, the bride is condemned for asking to boot them. some BM's ARE crappy.  <strong>and it usually doesn't  have anything to do with them being bad BM's but more of bad friends.</strong> so i guess all i'm saying is that brides have to deal with stuff and have to live with it.  but if a BM thinks the bride is being overbearing or difficult, she has the right to decline?   absolutely.  but i think its a yucky move.  
    Posted by mikeynkrib2011[/QUOTE]

    Here's the thing, you kind of answered your own question. If the person you asked to be a BM is a bad friend to begin with, they're not going to change for your wedding. People sometimes have this delusion that Suzie is suddenly going to wake up, start calling you to ask about all the minute details of your wedding, wanting to go dress shopping with you, etc. But the reality is, is if Suzy doesn't call you once a week now, or every other day, she's not going to do it for your wedding. If Suzy is consistently late, she's not going to miraculously be on time because it's your wedding.

    If a BM steps down it's usually for a pretty good reason. If they do it just because they're a flake, then they've always been a flake and wouldn't have changed for you and your wedding no matter how much planning goes into it. It's not her candy shop. She doesn't have to run it. You do. (Please keep in mind all of the you's in this post are general)
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    The other thing is this, which most brides forget: asking someone to stand in your wedding is a way to honor HER, and done as a favor to YOU.  As such, the burden of responsibility falls on the bride to treat her attendants fairly and decently, and it is well within the rights of any of the attendants to bail if she feels that's not the case.  Unless the BM in question was begging and pleading to be in the WP, the bride is the one who has created the situation, and it's up to her to sort things out to everyone's satisfaction.  Someone who doesn't want to deal with that shouldn't have a WP, they're not required.
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, if the BM feels she doesn't support the marriage, I wouldn't think she was a bad person for stepping down.
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  • edited December 2011

    I agree with the fact that the bride created the situation. Being a bridesmaid is an honor your bestow, but it's not a requirement for the maid. I think there are graceful ways of BM to step down - expenses, changes in life circumstance, etc. I also think there are some pretty sh*tty ways for them to step down - such as deciding a few weeks before the wedding, once everything has been said and paid for - because of some self centered reason. However, that situation tends to be rare.

    Unfortunately, once you honor someone and request they be in your WP, there's no good way to revoke an honor.  I think it's inappropraite to kick someone out because of things such as pregnancy, wanting to have a even number of attendants, the BM not being as obsessed with the font on your placecards, the BM moving away and thus the friendship being not generally as close as it once was, the inner drama queen of the BM going out, etc. However, there have been situations, ones I've seen posted on this board, where the BM started to use the bride as a doormat or blatantly insulting the bride about her life choices. Generally in those situations, the bride isn't worried about maintaining the friendship (for nonwedding reasons), so it's not like they are worried about the long term damage anyway.

  • squeakyducksqueakyduck member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I "stepped down" when a "friend" asked me to after I told her that the dresses she was looking at were too expensive. 

    Then she unfriended me on facebook. 

    If a bridesmaid is being ridiculous, I wouldn't judge the bride for ending the friendship. But so many brides post petty things that they just need to let go. I don't care that "it's your day", you still need to pay attention to your best friends' needs and comfort. That includes how they feel in the dress that they have to pay for and wear. 

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