Moms and Maids

So then I said uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm.....

A dear friend of mine whom I love a lot asked me at brunch the other (in front of her boyfriend and my fiance) why exactly she wasn't in my bridal party.  Recognizing this was a rude thing to ask, I feel bad because I actually WANTED to ask her to be in the bridal party but had to ask my FI's only sister instead.  The WP is already way too big (us being Italian and all) and I simply couldn't have anymore people.

So I said uuuuhhhhhmmmmm...and then thankfully the waitress came by with our food and it was dropped.  I feel like I need to acknowledge it and I don't want her feelings to be hurt.  Is it ok for me to be honest and tell her that I had to include my FSIL?  Or should I come up with something more...neutral?
Soon-to-be Mrs. C

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Re: So then I said uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm.....

  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I don't think you need to acknowledge it.  It was very rude of her to put you on the spot like that.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_then-said-uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e31731c8-1964-4e61-a885-a01656dc1010Post:174c8ebc-147a-4465-8bed-e62f6540a77c">So then I said uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]A dear friend of mine whom I love a lot asked me at brunch the other (in front of her boyfriend and my fiance) why exactly she wasn't in my bridal party.  Recognizing this was a rude thing to ask, I feel bad because I actually WANTED to ask her to be in the bridal party but had to ask my FI's only sister instead.  The WP is already way too big (us being Italian and all) and I simply couldn't have anymore people. So I said uuuuhhhhhmmmmm...and then thankfully the waitress came by with our food and it was dropped. <strong>I feel like I need to acknowledge it and I don't want her feelings to be hurt.  Is it ok for me to be honest and tell her that I had to include my FSIL?  Or should I come up with something more...neutral?
    </strong>Posted by krusso24[/QUOTE]

    Don't acknowledge anything.  She was completely wrong to bring it up in the first place.  Don't tell her that it was because you have your FSIL in the WP instead or that the WP is already too big.  Uneven sides are fine and what's one more person really?  I would, however, avoid any wedding related conversations around her.
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  • edited December 2011
    Um wow way rude of her!! I wouldnt bring it up to her, but If she mentions it again I'd tell her that you wanted to keep the bridal party small and that you really want her to be there on your big day. It's nothing personal.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_then-said-uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e31731c8-1964-4e61-a885-a01656dc1010Post:71523556-d51f-41c2-b4b2-16a53863a28f">Re: So then I said uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Um wow way rude of her!! I wouldnt bring it up to her, but If she mentions it again I'd tell her that <strong>you wanted to keep the bridal party small</strong> and that you really want her to be there on your big day. It's nothing personal.
    Posted by Love is Bald[/QUOTE]

    She said that it's already way too big.
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  • jcamm11jcamm11 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    yea, it was rude of her to ask, but sometimes when you're really close with people, you don't always follow social graces to the letter.  If you're really close to her, then go ahead and explain why you had to do what you did since she asked.
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  • skippylouwhoskippylouwho member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If you tell her the truth and it gets back to FSIL that you only asked her because you had to, how do you think FSIL will about that and about you. I advise you to keep that bit of information to yourself or you could cause yourself years of problems with you in laws and not just FSIL.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_then-said-uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e31731c8-1964-4e61-a885-a01656dc1010Post:65b758ba-6a6e-4627-87ab-a249870622a7">Re: So then I said uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: So then I said uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm..... : She said that it's already way too big.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]



    Correct, that part didn't stick in my head. Id tell her that you have more than you expected. I know it sounds kinda sucky, but you can give a sucky answer to a sucky question! :)
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    "Unfortunately, we weren't able to include everyone we wanted to.  But we can't wait to see you at the wedding!"
  • orangecrush32orangecrush32 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_then-said-uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e31731c8-1964-4e61-a885-a01656dc1010Post:fc149a14-ea62-41da-886a-8ec42b94c528">Re: So then I said uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]"Unfortunately, we weren't able to include everyone we wanted to.  But we can't wait to see you at the wedding!"
    Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]

    This! :)
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_then-said-uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e31731c8-1964-4e61-a885-a01656dc1010Post:fc149a14-ea62-41da-886a-8ec42b94c528">Re: So then I said uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]"Unfortunately, we weren't able to include everyone we wanted to.  But we can't wait to see you at the wedding!"
    Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]

    Yup!
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  • edited December 2011
    Don't address it unless she is rude enough to bring it back up. Then just say that with so much family you unfortunately weren't able to include all the friends you had wanted, but you can't wait to see her there.
  • garcias1garcias1 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_then-said-uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e31731c8-1964-4e61-a885-a01656dc1010Post:fc149a14-ea62-41da-886a-8ec42b94c528">Re: So then I said uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]"Unfortunately, we weren't able to include everyone we wanted to.  But we can't wait to see you at the wedding!"
    Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.  If you try to justify to her why she's not in the WP, it will only end up hurting her feelings (no matter how delicately you put it).  This is a situation where less is more.  And ditto PPs, don't bring up anything wedding related around her.</div>
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  • krusso24krusso24 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    THANK YOU GUYS!!  I feel much better now.
    Soon-to-be Mrs. C

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  • immaeetuimmaeetu member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    How big is your party that it coudln't accommodate one more person?
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  • krusso24krusso24 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Because the church has told us that we are already bordering on a fire hazard and that if we want our bridal party to be actually standing up there with us, which we very much do, that we can have any more people up there.  We're 20 people not counting us and the officiant.

    That's how. LOL
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  • FaburawFaburaw member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If she had an issue with it, she could have at least been tactful enough to bring it up in private. If she tries to bring it up again, just tell her it was nothing personal and that she shouldn't look at it that way.
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  • TootsieKTootsieK member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Out of curiosity, who are the other people in your wedding party?  Assuming even numbers on each side, your side would be 10.  Take away 2 for you and FSIL, and that leaves 8.  Are they all your sisters?  Or what were your criteria for picking the other 8 and not her?  How dear a friend is she that she is number 9 on your list?
  • rvand320rvand320 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'd tell her the sugar-coated truth. That you did really want her to be in the wedding party, but that you already have too many people. I wouldn't single out FSIL as the one who took "her" spot.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_then-said-uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e31731c8-1964-4e61-a885-a01656dc1010Post:b4d6bc0f-5dc9-482e-b573-531396f96ec9">Re: So then I said uuuuuuuhhhhhhmmmm.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd tell her the sugar-coated truth. That you did really want her to be in the wedding party, but that you already have too many people. I wouldn't single out FSIL as the one who took "her" spot.
    Posted by rvand320[/QUOTE]

    You are entitle to your opinion but this advice is likely only going to cause even more problems - and the girl will probably blow it out of proportion.

    Also - when a thread hasn't been answered in 3-4 days, it is a dead thread.  It's been 16 days since there was any discussion on this matter and OP has probably made her decision and handled the situation as she saw fit.
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  • mizzicantwaitmizzicantwait member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    how big is your bridal party? why weren't you able to include her? The reason why I am asking is because if my really good friend was getting married and I wasn't in the bridal I know I would ask. (I know I shouldn't!!!! but I am being honest!)

    but just let her know, I am sorry but I hope to see you at the wedding!!
  • TootsieKTootsieK member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If a thread is "dead" after 16 days, why don't you just remove it?  I assume you are a board monitor of some kind.

    If the thread is still available, perhaps it's because it could help someone else in a similar situation ... which means late comments could still be valid.
  • TootsieKTootsieK member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Dead thread or not, I really have to say something else here.  I so strongly disagree with the "don't address it" advice that I cannot see straight.

    No, you don't have to give her an explanation ... unless you value the friendship and her.

    Look at it from her point of view.  A dear friend whom you love very much has asked 9 other people to stand up at her wedding -- and not you.  You are so hurt you can hardly breathe.  You do not understand why you were not asked.  Did you offend her in some way that you are unaware of?  Are you not as good friends as you thought you were?  Are you not blonde enough, rich enough, pretty enough to be part of her wedding?  What possible reason could this good friend have for snubbing you this way?  9 other people will be standing up there beside her for all the world to see as the people she values most .. and not you.

    You have cried on your boyfriend's shoulder about this.  He has advised you to ask the bride what happened.  You probably wouldn't have had the courage to ask her without him being by your side.  And when you finally get the nerve up to ask ... nothing.  She doesn't care enough about your feelings to even bother to take your question seriously.

    In fact, she gets offended because you were rude enough to ask.

    Now back to you. OP.  If you sweep this under the rug, it will not go away.  It will fester and grow larger, until it rots what used to be a good relationship.  Your friendship will not get back on the same footing.  Your friend will continue to be hurt and confused.  The friendship will cool ... after all, it appears you did not take it very seriously anyway.

    The only way you can hope to salvage this dear friendship is to tell her the truth.  You don't have to single out the SIL, but you should tell her why she went to the bottom of the list.  Because that is how she sees it.

    I really think that if the dear friend whom you love had been the one to post her story here, everyone would be calling you a b*tch and telling her to not even go to the wedding.

    It's up to you.  Save the friendship if you can, or continue to be offended that she asked.  Decide what's most important.
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