Bridesmaid Duties

slave4dance

Hi Ladies,

I was just wondering where I can brush up on the "bridesmaids duties" that in reality are not bridesmaids duties at all. Where I'm from it seems as if the brides (not me personally so please dont take this the wrong way) expect their WP to do everything: pay for the shower and bachelorette party, help with favors, help with decorations, dresses, shoes, and get  hair/makeup done at the brides choice of location no matter what the cost? Clearly none of them have been on the knot but I was just wondering where this information could be found since that has been what I've been seeing all along. 

bablingbrooke

Emily Post and Miss Manners are good places to start.  They're pretty good about discerning what's mandatory vs. what's nice to do but not required.  They also have some "gravitas" behind them and are considered the standard.  I also like Etiquette Hell (book and website).

Alternatively, you can always send the brides here...muahaha...

EDIT: Basically, if the advice a site or magazine is giving you could potentially lead to profit for them, be suspicious.  If they tell you that you MUST do favors, and there's a mention of a company in the article or an ad for them conveniently on the next page, do you really think they have your best interests at heart?

trix1223

Lurk. 

Although I suspect this is MUD as you've been around the boards for at least several weeks now.

[Deleted User]

And the thread right before yours might be useful for you as well.

LoveMuffins

Since the Shower and Bachlorette parties are not the bride's responsibility, whoever is throwing them pays. Granted, the people throwing them are often the bridesmaids. The way we did it when my friend got married was that one girl planned the shower, we all contributed somewhere around $30 i think - there were 6 bridesmaids - and the MOB contributed some too. Had a very nice shower. For the Bachlorette party, we did a pub crawl and each girl paid for herself; we also requested that (if possible) girls wanted to bring a donation to the bride's drinking fund (suggested donation being $20) that would be appreciated. We had MORE than enough for the bride's booze =D

that being said, as a Bridesmaid all you're technically required to do is buy your dress and accessories (and she should ask for your budget before choosing the dress) and show up. The bride cannot force you to get your hair and make-up done at the salon of her choice. She can request and you can accept or decline. And again, she should ask your budget.

You also do not have to help with favors, decorations, etc.

That being said... IMO, a good friend IS going to help with that kind of thing, but it's going to be a fun group activity, not a chore or a requirement. My Bridesmaids are constantly asking "What can we do?" and I've asked if they would mind having an invitation addressing party with me, after which I will provide food and we'll watch movies, etc. Some of them have already offered to help me make the bouquets, because that's the kind of thing we enjoy doing. One, who's bad at planning but has great music contacts, has helped me out with finding a harpist for the ceremony. That's kind of my definition of friendship, is helping your friends out and having fun with it, and fortunatley I have a great group of girlfriends who agrees with me. We've pretty much handled every wedding the same way, and now that it's my turn they're just as supportive of me as I have been in the past of them.

But, you know... to each their own. Some people don't want as much help from the BMs. Sometimes BMs don't have that kind of time. It really depends on your own personal wedding style and the kind of relationship you have with your girls

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e3513af5-18b8-41a4-b3a5-c27a5b36470aPost:09894130-bf39-45c3-b905-58f53c37bcbf">Re: Bridesmaid Duties</a>:
[QUOTE]Since the Shower and Bachlorette parties are not the bride's responsibility, whoever is throwing them pays. Granted, the people throwing them are often the bridesmaids. The way we did it when my friend got married was that one girl planned the shower, we all contributed somewhere around $30 i think - there were 6 bridesmaids - and the MOB contributed some too. Had a very nice shower. For the Bachlorette party, we did a pub crawl and each girl paid for herself; we also requested that (if possible) girls wanted to bring a donation to the bride's drinking fund (suggested donation being $20) that would be appreciated. We had MORE than enough for the bride's booze =D that being said, as a Bridesmaid all you're technically required to do is buy your dress and accessories (and she should ask for your budget before choosing the dress) and show up. The bride cannot force you to get your hair and make-up done at the salon of her choice. She can request and you can accept or decline. And again, she should ask your budget. You also do not have to help with favors, decorations, etc. That being said... IMO, a good friend IS going to help with that kind of thing, but it's going to be a fun group activity, not a chore or a requirement. My Bridesmaids are constantly asking "What can we do?" and I've asked if they would mind having an invitation addressing party with me, after which I will provide food and we'll watch movies, etc. Some of them have already offered to help me make the bouquets, because that's the kind of thing we enjoy doing. One, who's bad at planning but has great music contacts, has helped me out with finding a harpist for the ceremony. <strong>That's kind of my definition of friendship, is helping your friends out and having fun with it, and fortunatley I have a great group of girlfriends who agrees with me. </strong>We've pretty much handled every wedding the same way, and now that it's my turn they're just as supportive of me as I have been in the past of them. But, you know... to each their own. Some people don't want as much help from the BMs. Sometimes BMs don't have that kind of time. It really depends on your own personal wedding style and the kind of relationship you have with your girls =)
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]
Really, your definition of friendship is "what have you done for me lately?"<div>
</div><div>I'm going to hunt down trix's very eloquent response to another poster on the same topic a few days ago, since she says it much much more eloquently than I could.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: And here it is:</div><div>
</div><div>'ve written and then not posted this about 4 times during this discussion, because it sounds so melodramatic.  But I have to say this:

revived: for me, the point here is that if your WP volunteers to help, take them up on it.  Absolutely jump at their offer.  It's lovely of them.

But please don't think that someone who doesn't offer is somehow less a friend than the person who does offer.  Because that's kind of what I'm getting from reading your posts.

That really "good" friends will OFFER to stuff envelopes, tie bows, make favors, etc. because they're your "good" friends.  And that those who don't offer to help with "fluffy stuff", however important to you, are sort of second tier friends.

We had dinner with two of our dearest friends last night.  As is the case on NYE, we started dissecting the past year, which was a kind of rough one for our family.

This friend would never, ever, ever offer to do help with wedding minutiae. I know her well enough to know that's just not something she'd enjoy or even think to offer to help with.

But last January, when I called her from the hospital ER where we were waiting for our DD to come out of emergency surgery:  guess who jumped in her car:  (slippers, pj pants, and all)  on a cold winter night, and sat with us, held our hands, and prayed with us until DD was out.

Then when a terrible situation happened to our other DD only months later, you know who I called as we drove out of state to get to DD?  And do you know who texted or emailed me almost every day until she could see me again and pour me a glass of wine and has listened while I poured my heart out for the last several months?  You guessed it.

Is she a "bad" friend because she doesn't offer to do "stuff"? Not in a million year.  Because when I've turned to her for the important things, she's been there as fast as she could.

And I don't offer to help her with "stuff".  But when she called me because her brother committed suicide, or when her marriage to her ex ended,  I was on her doorstep, Entenmann's in hand, and cried with her and listened, and gave her the loving support she needed.

I just have an awfully hard time equating the level of friendship with how much "stuff" one will do for me, or that I will do for them.

There are things that matter, and there are things that are "nice".  And I can't judge a friend on the things that are "nice".  


</div>

mikeynkrib2011

LoveMuffins, I think your response came across as very genuine and was misinterpreted here.

you stated clearly that bridesmaids are only required to get the dress and show up.  you also stated that typically the BM's throw the b-party and shower, insinuating that is not always the case(which is very true!). 

and your friends sound just glorious and i can tell you're appreciative that they help you.  when you said that your definition of a friend is helping them out, i believe you meant that you're there for your friends....no matter what... even if that means going above their 'duties' as BM's.

I gotcha!