Do I invite my mother who i dont really have a relationship with?

kimmyd584

OK Brides to be... I need help.   I don’t really have a relationship with my mother.  She moved away when I was 14 and since then I can probably count on 2 hands the times I’ve seen her. The only contact we have is email and I have asked her for her address and phone number a few years back and she questioned why I needed or wanted it.  Since then it has just consisted of emails here and there on holidays or birthdays and that is it.   Well I am now engaged and starting my wedding planning and the big question has come up “Are you going to invite your mother?” my step mom and I are pretty close, and she keeps telling me among my grandmother and even my dad, that I need to at least invite her. We looked her info up on white pages and found an address and phone number for her yesterday and my step mom called the number to see if it was her, and sure enough it is her on her machine and on her message she even offers up an additional cell phone number to reach her at that neither my sister or I were even aware of.  IM torn on if not inviting her will be something I will regret later on in life but also terrified of her coming because I have so many built up emotions and not really sure if I want to deal with all of that on our special day.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

AutumnFair

This is a tough one. Personally, you just have to ask yourself "do I want any kind of relationship with her in the future?" Which means, would you ever want you and her to reconnect and have some kind of relationship. If the answer is yes, then you need to invite her. If the answer is no, I don't think is will ever happen even with possible grandkids, then no don't invite her.

Basically, if you invite her, she will either respond yes or no. If she responds yes, then I would at least talk to her or see her once before the wedding just to get any emotions out. Whatever your decision, good luck to you.

Meaghann17

This is very tough. you need to think about how you might feel later. For example, what if later in your life you become closer, you might regret not inviting her.

That being said I would do whatever you are most comfortable with. Sounds like you have a supportive family, even if they disagree you should talk it out with them.

Also, you mention it has been a few years since any communication. Why don't you let her know you are engaged? Maybe that kind of news will bring about a positive change in your relationship. I could see an estranged mother being offended by finding out when she receives the invite.
good luck!

kimmyd584

I actually emailed her yesterday and told her and she replied congrats, asked when it was, and said i must be excited. I replied summer of 2011 and she hasnt said a word since.

vixey

I say invite her.  You'll be so busy the day of your wedding you'll hardly have time to be worried about what will happen when you see her.  She might not even show up, but at least you were the bigger person and extended the invite.  No reason to drive the wedge deeper between the two of you.

Kristin789

YES

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_invite-mother-dont-really-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e37d0e0c-9368-44dc-b5f7-547f24774a00Post:736b2089-5cee-44b5-a728-c362897188a9">Re: Do I invite my mother who i dont really have a relationship with?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd at least invite her.  Then you'll have made every effort,and will never have to look back later and second-guess yourself. I'm sorry about this....it's terrible when a mother does this to her daughter.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

This,  And I agree with Retread (and other PPs) as someone who also had a history of having an absent birth mother (although my situation was slightly different), and my FI situation with his birth mother is even more similar to yours, so I get it.   FWIW, I am communicating now with my birth mother and I will invite her to our wedding.  My FI hasn't spoken to his in ten years, and he has said in no uncertain terms that his birth mother will not be invited to our wedding.

Inviting your mother is up to you because you know how you feel about the relationship and if you want there to be a future.  There is no "right" or "wrong" way to handle the relationship when mom chooses to walk away from her child.  So any decision you make should be yours and not based on what others (who may be well-meaning but aren't part of your relationship with your mom) think.

However, if there is any part of you that does desire a future with your mother, this may be an opportunity to allow her back into your life.  If she chooses not to take it, that is her choice, and it's very unfortunate.  But at least you can say you tried.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I wish you well.

kimmyd584

I had really been leaning on inviting her but that was it and not as MOB.  Just a as guest and i planned on telling her that before she made the trip here because that alone may deter her from coming if she were to not get all the attention of MOB.  My Fiance's mother passed away 5 years ago from cancer so we had already thought of doing the "mother" duties differently and having other people step in to light the candle like our Grandpas just so its easier for my fiance.   As for my mother, when she came to my sisters wedding 4 years ago, it was drama. she wore a very slinky dress and  while we were all getting ready she pulled my sister aside and told her she did not want to be a grandmother.  my sister is still dealing with hearing that on her wedding day from our mother.  She also relied on my sister and I to taxi her around the whole day which stressed my sister  out even more. I personally dont think my mom will make the effort to come considering when i emailed her to tell her i was engaged, she didnt ask to who, how long id known him, what his name was , or any question about any of it and i still have not heard back from her since telling her it would be summer of 2011.

Soon2BMrsClay

Definitely!  At the end of the day, she is still your mother.  You want to make sure you can look back on your wedding with no regrets; you don't want to be years down the road regretting not having your mother at your wedding.

Try not to focus on where you relationship with your mother is right now, but where it could be in the future.

Muffin'sMom

You have to do what is right for you.  If you want the possibility, then send her an invite as a guest, seat her away from you and don't let her back to your room before the ceremony.

If you don't, then walk away.

Once you decide, you do not owe explanations to anyone for your choices.

lavieboheme73

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_invite-mother-dont-really-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e37d0e0c-9368-44dc-b5f7-547f24774a00Post:b76dce33-9793-483e-a6c9-0ec1685db9f2">Re: Do I invite my mother who i dont really have a relationship with?</a>:
[QUOTE] Inviting your mother is up to you because you know how you feel about the relationship and if you want there to be a future.  There is no "right" or "wrong" way to handle the relationship when mom chooses to walk away from her child.  So any decision you make should be yours and not based on what others (who may be well-meaning but aren't part of your relationship with your mom) think.
Posted by marinabreeze[/QUOTE]

This!

I am quite familiar with the basics of this same situation, though I don't presume to have any idea at all exactly how you feel.  Your experiences are yours, and just because I would do something one way, doesn't mean the same solution will work for you, but I am happy to share with you the way I handled it:

I have an absentee mother, too.  She walked out when I was an infant, and was never a part of my life until I was 24.  The relationship since then has been unstable at very best.  She seems nice enough, I guess, but she seems determined to take over the "mommy" role, which is something with which I'm not the least bit comfortable.  I have a stepmother who has been there for me through every part of my life, even when I was actively pushing her away.  That's my mom.  While there is a place for my biological mother in my life, it's not the role she's expecting to have, and she doesn't seem to want to recognize that.  She's also prone to drama and scene-making, and my dad is extremely uncomfortable around her.  So I chose to honor the people who raised me, rather than the person seeking a relationship on terms I don't want, and chose not to invite her to my wedding.  This was not an easy decision for me to make, by any means.  My heart goes out to you for having to make a decision on a circumstance like this.

It's easy for others outside the situation to say "she's your mother, no matter what, you should invite her." and "maybe it will do the relationship some good."  Everyone wants to see the best come out of a bad situation, and they may be right, in your case.  But the fact of the matter is that not every leopard is capable of, or even desires to change their spots, and in a lot of cases, going that extra mile just results in a lot of heartache. 

I hope you find a good solution for all parties concerned, or at least a livable one.  Best of luck to you.  Keep us posted!

Traceyd14

I have a friend that was in your exact same situation with her mother.  She ended up sending her an invitation just like all the other guests.  Her mom took the initiative to call her when she got the invitation and asked if my friend minded if she came early to help her get ready.  My friend's mom is a professional cosmotologist so she offered to do her makeup.  My friend knew the relationship was rocky and her mom was not trustworthy, so she had her hair stylist as a back up.  The wedding was last month and my friend was happy that her mom was there for her special day.  I think the key was putting the invitation out there and letting the mom be the one to either step up to the plate, or shouldering the regret.