Mom adding guests?

EeyoreFan88

My FI & I are paying for our wedding. We have a tight budget (under $10,000). We both have aggreed that we want to feel comftable at our wedding, so our guest list has been close friends & family of FI & myself. My FI does not like big crowds & being around people he doesn't really know. Everyone that's on our list, he's met, except for like 2 of my friends who live out of state.

So my mother asked me to add 4 of her friends & 2 family members who are not really close, to the list. She said she'd pay for their meals. I added them, not really wanting too, on the maybe list & discussed with FI. After discussing, we both think its a little ridiculous for her to ask. I personally feel like I'd have to let it go if she was paying for the entire wedding, but we're paying for the wedding & these are not guests of OURS.

Are we wrong to talk to her & let her know how we feel & that we really don't want these guest at our wedding?

DNAtime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-adding-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e47e95b0-a38e-44c0-953b-d11c0531455dPost:b37a367a-8230-4234-af58-889206342328">Mom adding guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI & I are paying for our wedding. We have a tight budget (under $10,000). We both have aggreed that we want to feel comftable at our wedding, so our guest list has been close friends & family of FI & myself. My FI does not like big crowds & being around people he doesn't really know. Everyone that's on our list, he's met, except for like 2 of my friends who live out of state. So my mother asked me to add 4 of her friends & 2 family members who are not really close, to the list. She said she'd pay for their meals. I added them, not really wanting too, on the maybe list & discussed with FI. After discussing, we both think its a little ridiculous for her to ask. <strong>I personally feel like I'd have to let it go if she was paying for the entire wedding, but we're paying for the wedding & these are not guests of OURS. </strong>Are we wrong to talk to her & let her know how we feel & that we really don't want these guest at our wedding?
Posted by EeyoreFan88[/QUOTE]

I think you are right about this. If you pay you say, just as if your parents were paying, your parents are saying.  However, perhaps you could compromise a little, for example my mom's best friend would be devestated not to be invited to our wedding, she is like an aunt to me, but my FI has met her once. Maybe you could let her bring X number of her guests and she can chose who that is.  Its a nice gesture, but not required if she is not paying. 
Just remember regardless of who is paying it is also an impotant day to your mom and people who are close to her.

specialk84

I don't think it's unreasonable for your respective parents to want to invite some of their friends.  Regardless of what the wedding industry thinks, the day is not all about you and your husband.  There are families involved.  This is a happy day for them, and I think they should be able to have a few friends to celebrate with.

Then again, I'm also a fan of the Miss Manners method of choosing a guest list and a budget.  Start with who you want to invite, then plan the specifics from there.  If that means you can only afford a cake and punch reception, so be it.  I would be a little peeved if my friend or family member was getting married and decided an extravagant meal was more important than being surrounded by those they love.

If your parents start to go crazy adding people (as in, they add 40 people), then you have a problem.  You also need to consider your FI's family's feelings if they find out your side got to invite more people.  Drama will ensue.

MairePoppy

I don't think you're wrong to want control of the guest list, since you are paying. But your mom's guest list is very small and she is willing to cover the cost. It would be nice if you would let both sets of parents have a few guests at your wedding.

vicki0508

I don't think your mom is being unreasonable.  It's only six people, and she's offered to pay for them.  So I feel like your concerns are addressed - it's not costing you any extra, and it's only 6 people your FI doesn't know.

I would think he would still be comfortable because he'll know 95% of the guestlist, but if those 6 people would seriously make him uncomfortable, then I think you're justified in not wanting to invite all 6 of them.  (Maybe just 1 or 2?)

orangecrush32

Since she's offered to pay for the additional guests I don't think it's a problem. Plus you already told her yes, so you can't exactly go back and take that away from her without possibly hurting feelings.

jagore08

If it does not stop you and your FI from saying "i do", it's not worth fighting over.

The above statement is to keep things in perspective because sometimes the wedding planning can drive you crazy.  If your mom is willing to pay for a couple of more people then I would just let her win this battle.  You probably won't even notice they're there.  There were a few people at my wedding that I said hello to and thanked them for coming and that was the last word I said to them.

lilcassers

If she offers to pay then they should come. Perhaps your mom just wants some friends to party and celebrate with since she knows you will be busy with your friends!

LoveMuffins

Ha, my mom has expanded our guest list OVER the number of people that can fit into the room.  Chances are, some of them aren't even going to attend, but once you invite ONE cousin you have invite them all. *sigh* I told her that if she wants to pay for them (she's paying for the whole wedding) she's more than welcome to, even though it's going to put us over budget. She seems fine with going over budget for that.

Personally... I don't think a weddng day is all about me and my FI. I think it's about our families uniting, and we want our friends and family there to witness it. My mom wants some of her friends that I am not as close with, and some of her family members that I am not as close with, to witness it with her. To me, a wedding is like a graduation.. it's not so much for the people standing up there as it is for the peopel watching.

Since she's offered to cover the cost, and especially since you already told her yes, I would let it go. It will make her happy, it's only 6 people, and chances are you won't even notice that there are a few extra bodies in the room.

Muffin'sMom

She's your mom.  I assume you love her and want her to enjoy the day also.  The title of your post makes it sound like she has hijacked your list and wants to invite her whole town.  It's six people.  My daughter made room in her guest list for people that were important to each of us...because we are important to her.

StephieBow

I say it's okay.  We are having a "Small" wedding of 150 people (I'm half Italian... so, this is small!) and my parents invited family and their BEST friends.  Same with my finances parents. 

I say that if your mom is paying for her guests, it's not worth starting war over.  Let her pay but explain that she cannot expand the list any further if you don't want it going crazy.  If you Fiance's parents ask about it you can always explain that there were a few people who were important to your mom and she paid for them to be there, and they could do the same (keep the numbers equal)

Good luck!

AutumnFair

My friend had to go through this situation with her MIL. Basically both her and her H stuck to their guns even though MIL was willing to pay for the extra guests. So if you and your FI is really not wanting to have these extra guests then decline the extra money for extra guests. Another good point to make is that I'm sure if you are giving your mom the option I'm sure your FI's parents might want to have certain extras too.

My personal feelings is that this isn't something worth arguing over, if your mom already paid for them then just think that you probably won't realize those extras are even there, you get so focus on your FI, everything seems else seems like a blur.

mystinamarie

I don't think 6 guests is a lot, ESPECIALLY if she's going to pay for them.

EeyoreFan88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-adding-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e47e95b0-a38e-44c0-953b-d11c0531455dPost:ebb98571-26db-4236-a44f-7e2586c1030c">Re: Mom adding guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]If your parents start to go crazy adding people (as in, they add 40 people), then you have a problem.  You also need to consider your FI's family's feelings if they find out your side got to invite more people.  Drama will ensue.
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

My mom is willing to pay for her guests, but if we were to allow my FIs family to invite a few people, than we'd be paying for them & our budget is just too tight. So yeah, drama would ensue. Plus, our venue is small. The owner said 60 will fit comfortably with the dance floor & a buffet style, but nearing 75-100 may be tight. I remember wondering how we would make the places minimum (45) with a starting guest list of 35, lol.

But thanks for the input everyone. I spoke to my mother & everything is fine.