Moms and Maids

Mom-In-Law driving me NUTS!!

We've always had problems with her, FI and me..

She wasn't supportive when we told her last year that we were going to get married.She just said that she thought that a wedding is not necessary and we should only do the legal part, like they did. We told her that both of us always dreamt of a beautiful small wedding. But she never showed any interest and didn't seem to care.

6 months before the wedding we wanted to order the paper and cardstock needed for the invitations (DIY and they are fabulous!) I told my FI to ask his mom about their list of guests so that we could complete the guestlist and order everything we needed accordingly. Even though my FI asked her multiple times and pressed on the urgency, because of the invites, she never replied. So we ordered enough material for 100 invites assuming that she wasn't interested in adding guests (we'd still have about 10 left). We also added people we knew she would have invited.

Ok then it's 3 months before the wedding, we get the bridesmaids and groomsmen together and start making all of the invites. As the wedding draws near, we see that we forgot some friends or family members (we knew we were going to invite them, we just forgot to put them on the list).

Now it's 50 days until the wedding and MIL suddenly says to us 'So, I hear you guys are getting married?' OMG! Then we told her we talked about this a year ago, even quoting her, then we said, six months ago, we even asked you for a list of guests (multiple times!) and you know what she says? 'Oh right, I haven't given you the list yet' And I'm in total shock! I then replied 'but the invitations have already been printed and made??'...

Who adds guests 7 weeks before the wedding?? We've already reserved the location, catering, seats, decoration, according to 100 guests! The next day she then sends her list with FI's  brother. Her list has 18 families!! (it had 23, but we already invited 5 of them). 18 Families! That's atleast 40 more people. That's 50% of our entire guest list! 50% more food, 50% more seats, 50% more costs!!! And we're paying for the wedding ourselves. They never offered to help, neither financially nor physically! But now she wants to add 50% more costs for us.

So after brainstorming with FI, my mom and the groomsmen and bridesmaids, we came up with some ideas. We added a kiddie tabe, so all the kids can sit together (about 20 kids) So that frees up adult seating for her guests. We know the caterer always makes food for double the guests, so we're praying it'll be enough and we're going to print more invites and make them without the cardstock backing (we're not from the US so it takes about 3-4 weeks for an order of cardstock from the states to get here).

FI is furious with his mom, but there's no talking to her, she's always been this way. She's the kind of person who always makes up an excuse and is always right. So we just try to solve it the best we can without creating a riff this close to the wedding. BTW 40+ more guests is way over our budget! And FI knows none of the 18 families!

Is she trying to kill me?? (not litterally)


Re: Mom-In-Law driving me NUTS!!

  • tpender13tpender13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    First off, if you're going to make a post that long, you should separate it into paragraphs so people can actually read it.

    I'm sorry your FMIL is kinda flaky, but to answer your question, no, she is probably not trying to kill you.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    If you told her you needed a guest list by a certain date, you should have stuck by that. Adding in 40 extra people, when it's well over your budget, is crazy. If you accommodate her on this, expect there will be more unreasonable demands in your future. Your fi should have told her 'no,' especially since he doesn't even know these people.
                       
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You shouldn't be adding people.  You shouldn't be "hoping" that there's enough food to accommodate these extra guests.  You shouldn't be assuming that everyone will be comfortable with their children sitting at a separate table for the reception.

    You gave her the opportunity to get you a guest list.  You asked again.  What you should have said was "I'm so sorry, FMIL.  We only have room for 100 guests, and we simply can't accommodate these guests at this late date."

    You have time to say it now.  Tell her you're sorry, but the guest list portion of the wedding was finalized weeks ago, and there simply isn't room or finances to add more guests.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • tsp698tsp698 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wait a minute, you are going to invite 40 extra people but not adjust your numbers with the caterer for food and such?

    Not only is this a horrible idea, but it doesn't sound like something most caterers would allow. You should definitely be contacting your caterer or don't be surprised if you get an extra charge on your bill.

    I agree with the some of the PP's, your FMIL had her chance to invite guests, she missed it.
    image 107 Invited
    image 43 are ready to party! image 6 have better things to do image58 are lollygagging
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  • BeeBee22BeeBee22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-law-driving-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e48fdd16-4729-4983-96c5-e51f94299a4cPost:66945556-7968-4eec-8dd8-5499fefa1acd">Re: Mom-In-Law driving me NUTS!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You shouldn't be adding people.  You shouldn't be "hoping" that there's enough food to accommodate these extra guests.  You shouldn't be assuming that everyone will be comfortable with their children sitting at a separate table for the reception. You gave her the opportunity to get you a guest list.  You asked again.  What you should have said was "I'm so sorry, FMIL.  We only have room for 100 guests, and we simply can't accommodate these guests at this late date." You have time to say it now.  <strong>Tell her you're sorry, but the guest list portion of the wedding was finalized weeks ago, and there simply isn't room or finances to add more guests.</strong>
    Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Re-read what trix wrote (and tsp and maire).  Many times until it sinks in.  They are absolutely correct.</div><div>  
    Your ideas to accommodate your FMIL's crap are <span style="line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">simply not the way things are done, (and, frankly, your venue may not even allow it). It's kind-hearted but misguided of you to attempt it. You certainly shouldn't have to shoulder all this extra cost.  </span></div><div><span style="line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">
    </span></div><div><span style="line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">She is entirely in the wrong.  Clearly these people aren't close enough to your FI for him to have included them in his list with the 5 families you mentioned, and his mother's apparently mean-spirited whim (given the history) can't be allowed to generate this last minute madness.  She is wrong.  Have your Fi give her the above bolded response trix gave you, and don't send out any more invitations.</span></div>
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Why are you upset with your FMIL? You and your FI are the ones who gave her your permission to jack with your guest list and total wedding costs. This is all on you two, not her. She's just being who she's always been -- who you admit she's always been.

  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-law-driving-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e48fdd16-4729-4983-96c5-e51f94299a4cPost:09e2eb33-d528-42c6-8917-f1211aea9c13">Mom-In-Law driving me NUTS!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]We've always had problems with her, FI and me.. She wasn't supportive when we told her last year that we were going to get married.She just said that she thought that a wedding is not necessary and we should only do the legal part, like they did. We told her that both of us always dreamt of a beautiful small wedding. But she never showed any interest and didn't seem to care. 6 months before the wedding we wanted to order the paper and cardstock needed for the invitations (DIY and they are fabulous!) I told my FI to ask his mom about their list of guests so that we could complete the guestlist and order everything we needed accordingly. Even though my FI asked her multiple times and pressed on the urgency, because of the invites, she never replied. So we ordered enough material for 100 invites assuming that she wasn't interested in adding guests (we'd still have about 10 left). We also added people we knew she would have invited. Ok then it's 3 months before the wedding, we get the bridesmaids and groomsmen together and start making all of the invites. As the wedding draws near, we see that we forgot some friends or family members (we knew we were going to invite them, we just forgot to put them on the list). Now it's 50 days until the wedding and MIL suddenly says to us 'So, I hear you guys are getting married?' OMG! Then we told her we talked about this a year ago, even quoting her, then we said, six months ago, we even asked you for a list of guests (multiple times!) and you know what she says? 'Oh right, I haven't given you the list yet' And I'm in total shock! I then replied 'but the invitations have already been printed and made??'... Who adds guests 7 weeks before the wedding?? We've already reserved the location, catering, seats, decoration, according to 100 guests! The next day she then sends her list with FI's  brother. Her list has 18 families!! (it had 23, but we already invited 5 of them). 18 Families! That's atleast 40 more people. That's 50% of our entire guest list! 50% more food, 50% more seats, 50% more costs!!! And we're paying for the wedding ourselves. They never offered to help, neither financially nor physically! But now she wants to add 50% more costs for us. So after brainstorming with FI, my mom and the groomsmen and bridesmaids, we came up with some ideas. We added a kiddie tabe, so all the kids can sit together (about 20 kids) So that frees up adult seating for her guests. We know the caterer always makes food for double the guests, so we're praying it'll be enough and we're going to print more invites and make them without the cardstock backing (we're not from the US so it takes about 3-4 weeks for an order of cardstock from the states to get here). FI is furious with his mom, but there's no talking to her, she's always been this way. She's the kind of person who always makes up an excuse and is always right. So we just try to solve it the best we can without creating a riff this close to the wedding. BTW 40+ more guests is way over our budget! And FI knows none of the 18 families! Is she trying to kill me?? (not litterally)
    Posted by MayaPar25[/QUOTE]
  • edited December 2011
    If FMIL wants to invite more than you've already agreed to pay for with your caterer, adding on extra people will incur extra charges.  My suggestion is to tell FMIL that since she didn't get the guest list to you in time for you to arrange for them at the wedding, and the extra expense is beyond what you can afford, then if she would like to invite them, she must pay for the added expense for them to be there (and don't JUST include the reception in this ## -- include anything else that would be added by them being there -- chair covers? extra place settings? extra tables? extra food? extra servers? etc.).  

    I agree with PP's you have the obligation with your vendors to let them know about the extra people last-minute.  Also, you can also say "no" to this request since they were not on the list originally and your FMIL totally surpassed the deadline on that list (even though she was given ample time).  It's fine to stand your ground, but just make sure you're gracious about it.  She will be family, "warts and all" as we say! 
    July 16, Our Wedding Day, is also International Juggling Day!
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  • vixeyvixey member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with everything PPs said.  I'm only adding that I found it funny that you put the "not literally" after the part about trying to kill you (seriously, I chuckled, I'm not being sarcastic).  And I think your invitations are really pretty.
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  • edited December 2011
    People behave the way they do because someone has allowed them to get away with it in the past.  You are enabling her to continue to behave this way.  Tell her you cannot afford the extra people. 

    Not telling your caterer and then adding 40 extra people in insane.  And finally, don't count on the kid table thing.  It never works out unless all the kids are the same age, older than 10 and know each other.  You'll have hungry crowded people, pissed parents, and whining crying kids.  Awesome.

    The answer is no...and your FI better be standing with you when you tell her.
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  • kimp67kimp67 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I never heard of a caterer making food for "double the amount of guests".  You need to give all of your vendors an updated number in the amount of time it states on your contract.
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  • orangecrush32orangecrush32 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm with the other posters..why in the heck would you agree to add her guests? 1 you don't even know them 2 it's 7 weeks before the wedding 3 she had plenty of time to give you a guest list. You guys need to tell her NO. She had her chance and missed it, too bad, so sad.
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  • edited December 2011
    It sounds to me like there is a much bigger underlying problem with the MIL.
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  • edited December 2011
    Oh my goodness- that's so frustrating. Sorry you have to deal. You should have her pay for the extra guests and order more food from the caterer.
  • edited December 2011
    If my FMIL did this to me, I'd tell her this: "when you fail to plan, you plan to fail."  And then I wouldn't invite 40 people your FI doesn't even know.  If any of these people are offended, that's on your FMIL, not you and your FI.
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