MIL - What to do?

MissKate2011

I'm getting married this year and I know it's far away but I've recently been asked some questions so I'm hoping you ladies can offer me some advice.

During the holidays some of my family members have offered to host some wedding events at their house.

My mother offered to host the rehearsal dinner in her home and provide the food.

My godmother (aunt) offered her home to us to use as the day after brunch.

My mother in law hasn't spoken to me at all about any wedding events (my wedding is less than a year away and we've been engaged almost a year).  I know it's tradition for the in laws to host the rehearsal dinner so should I mention my Mom offered to host it and see how she reacts?  Or just tell my Mom that she can host it?  I don't want to make her feel like she has to host something either. 

Also the Father in Law and Mother in Law don't speak so my Father in Law may be uncomfortable in her home.

AutumnFair

I would indeed ask MIL if she was alright with you mom hosting the RD. The only reason I say go ahead and ask is like you said, you don't want to upset her because it's an old tradition that FI's parent host it.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e660e64c-33a5-445d-9e61-90abfcb43169Post:bbf73127-af41-4f6e-b74b-0027fb04477d">MIL - What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm getting married this year and I know it's far away but I've recently been asked some questions so I'm hoping you ladies can offer me some advice. During the holidays some of my family members have offered to host some wedding events at their house. My mother offered to host the rehearsal dinner in her home and provide the food. My godmother (aunt) offered her home to us to use as the day after brunch. My mother in law hasn't spoken to me at all about any wedding events (my wedding is less than a year away and we've been engaged almost a year).  I know it's tradition for the in laws to host the rehearsal dinner so should I mention my Mom offered to host it and see how she reacts?  Or just tell my Mom that she can host it?  I don't want to make her feel like she has to host something either.  Also the Father in Law and Mother in Law don't speak so my Father in Law may be uncomfortable in her home.
Posted by MissKate2011[/QUOTE]
I would only mention it if it comes up naturally in conversation, and if she's the one to bring it up.  If you bring it up, it sounds like you're expecting that she should at least want to host it, because otherwise, why would it be her business?  I'm sure she's aware that traditionally she's the one who hosts the RD, and I'm equally sure she's aware that she'll need to let you and/or your FI in on the fact if she's interested in hosting.  Presumably your mom shouldn't need a huge amount of lead time to throw a dinner party, so I'd just tell her that it's tentatively yes unless your MIL has any ideas, and then just leave it alone until you get within a couple of months of the wedding.

MissKate2011

Thank you both for the great replies.

Aerin, great advice.  I'm trying to avoid her feeling as though I would want her to host it as I would prefer she didn't (due to Father in Law being uncomfortable).

aerinpegadrak

If you actively DON'T want her to host it, then definitely don't mention it at all around her.  If she brings up wanting to host, you can say, "My mom really wants to do it at her place, but I'm sure she'd be more than happy to have some help if you like."

ETA: Also, talk to your FI and make sure that he's in agreement with the RD situation, and if he is, that he knows what to say to his mother if she approaches him instead of you.  You don't want him nonchalantly saying, "Oh yeah, that would be great if you could do the RD!" without knowing what's going on with it.

frogurt814

Ditto everything Aerin said.

If MIL wants to host then she should be the one to bring up the topic.  And if she does, like Aerin said, you can mention your mom really wants to host and yadda yadda.

MissKate2011

Good thinking Aerin.  I'll talk to FI about it in case she mentions it to him while I'm not around.  He does know that my Mom is planning on hosting but I should talk to him about what to say if she brings it up when I'm not around... which she would do.