Mom thinks she is being "replaced" by FPIL; Fi doesn't like spending time at my parents ho

mdd123082

OK, maybe I should post this on the nest, but you ladies always seem to have good ideas, so I could use a few.

My mom is concerned that she and my dad will be "replaced" as parents by my FMIL & FFIL. I believe these fears began to surface most recently when she read an engagement card I received from Fi's parents, welcoming me into their family, signed, "Love Mom and Dad (future last name)". I tried to quell her fears stating that while fi's parents will be important in my life, they could never be replacements. I love my FPIL, but my parents will always be MY parents.
Anyway- I have a very close relationship with my mom- we spend A LOT of time together hanging out, watching favorite shows/movies, shopping, talk 2-3xs/day on the phone, etc. I felt awful for her to feel thay way, because she means so much to me. We discussed that her role as my mom is not to change in my mind.
BUT-
I will say there is some validity to her concerns when it comes to time spent on holidays/vists from out of town (my relationship w/Fi is temporarily long distance)- Fi is kinda uncomfortable at my parents house.
My parents argue frequently and are outspokenly- though never to the face of the other- unhappy with the other.
Though I'm sure there's obvious indication to everyone, anyway.
Mom rolls her eyes at everything Dad says. He blows up often, then storms off.
Each routinely, 365 days/year, spend evenings watching tv separately from one another, until they fall asleep.
This was all par for course during our 5 years of dating and remains so.
His parents have a seemingly stable/affectionate marriage together, and they engage us in discussion, games, etc during our visits. No fighting.

What can I do to split time more evenly and effectively, as well as try to get more interactivity from my parents, maybe without the drama? I want to have both sides be as happy as they can be, and not feel left out, and of course I want Fi to feel more at ease, too.
I want my mom especially to see that she is NOT to going to be replaced.

Please help!

AutumnFair

Sounds like your doing all that you can with easing your mom's concerns, basically I think time for them to adjust to you being married along with you keeping as much time spent with each of the parents will eventually calm herself down. 

Also it sounds like your parents need some marriage counseling themselves because what they are doing is not a very healthy relationship and I would also be uncomfortable if my ILs were acting so negative and distance to one another. This is a tough situation to be in and it will probably be awhile before your mom realizes that she won't and never will be replaced.

mdd123082

Autumn Fair, thank you so much for the kind words.

I approached my mom recently about possible marriage counseling, but she told me "not to worry about it".   My dad accepts this life and says, "She will never change." Of course I worry about my parents- these are my folks, and the people that I learned about relationships from.
I'm amazed I am not having communication problems of my own for that reason, but I do hope I can at least figure out a way to be fair in the spending of time at each house- all I can think of is a spreadsheet to log time at each place.
-A friend with a similar sitation at home does this to try to keep timing equitable.

Meaghann17

When you described your situation, I felt like it was the same as mine exactly. It is frustrating.

I can't really offer much advice but just do what you can. I have learned over the years that my parents aren;t going to change and that its quality not quantity that matters. We are at FI's family's easily double what we spend with my family. But when I look at how much we actually DO or spend time with them its almost equal. So I gently explained to my mom that his parents place is just a better place to "hang out" (we are both back at our parents, finished college at different times and will move out next spring before our fall 2011 wedding). So look at maybe if there are other reasons that you spend more time elsewhere- while we both feel more comfortable at FI's family home it also makes more sense- its a bigger house, no siblings around, closer to the places where we play baseball and they have  a pool that we frequent every night. When my mom heard this she understood that being there gives us more time to have some alone time. Especially as we are going out less to save money.

Good luck with your parents! Your log sheet makes sense- but maybe try and think of another solution as that might get old after a few years. I imagine it would be tiring.

lharri12

I know you love your mom, but it sounds like she is kind of insecure and needy.  She must have expected (or at least hoped) that you would marry someday, and marriage involves joining another family, but that doesn't mean abandoning your own family.  You shouldn't have to reassure her repeatedly that you love her and that your relationship with her will always be unique.  Unfortunately, you can't change how your parents act toward one another - only they can change that of their own accord.  Your FI is going to have to try and suck it up for your sake.  Not only are you joining his family, but he is also joining yours, whether he likes it or not.  It sucks that it has to be so uncomfortable for him, and that's probably embarrassing for you.
A spreadsheet is total overkill.  Just try to split holidays evenly, i.e. one year Thanksgiving with your family, Christmas with his, and switch it up the next year.  This shouldn't require a spreadsheet.  Geez.

Muffin'sMom

She may just need extra time to get used to the idea of you being a part of someone elses family, with someone elses name.  Just keep doing what you always do with her and over time she will see that your relationship with her will be just as loving as always.

Kristin789

Oh, I can totally relate to your post.  This situation is far more common that you think. 

Muffinsmom is right:  You just have to keep talking to your mom and showing her that you still have time to spend just with her, etc. 

And about alternating holidays:  one year Christmas with one family, the next year with the other parents,etc.....  I know no one who does that sucessfully.

We split the actual holiday. 

For example, Christmas Eve:
we go to a Christmas eve open house at DH's brother's house from about 3-6, then we go to church with my mom and have snacks and open one gift afterward at her house.  Then we get back to our house in time to greet DH's parents, who come there after spending the evening at DH's brother's open house.  They spend the night at our place.

For example, Christmas:
we have Christmas morning opening presents at our house with DH's parents.  Then DH and his parents go to his parents' house for the rest of Christmas Day and he stays for three days.  I go to my mom's house for the rest of Christmas Day and I stay for three days.

See, some Knotties think that when you get married, you have to go everywhere attached to your DH's hip.  But that's clearly not true.  My mom isn't well, and DH's father hasn't been well for a long time and DH's mother is very tired of nursing him.  So when we can we actually split up and spend a few days ALONE with our parents.  All they want is to talk to us about the old days, the old neighborhood, and remember the time the Smiths put up that Santa thing on the roof - hahahaha.  Well, when I'm there too (I do go with DH to stay overnight at his parents' house twice a year), I don't know these old stories and these old jokes, and they have to keep stopping to explain things to me, and that ruins their good time.  I'm totally content with DH going to deal with his parents on his own, because I have my own mother to deal with... 

skippylouwho

I also agree that it's ok for couples to spend some time, individually, with their parents. I'm not sure I"d choose Christmas day for it but if it works for you it's none of our business.

My mom's parents lived 3 states away, in the summer my mom, brother and I always spent 2 to 3 weeks there without my dad.  My dad just couldn't take that much time off from work to go.  It's ok for each member of a couple to spend some time with their family without the other member of the couple there but they should also spend time with parents as a couple.

lharri12

I don't get why it is so difficult to split holidays "successfully."  IMO, if you want to spend a holiday with someone, you spend the day with them, not a few hours.  If it's a really special day for you (Christmas), I wouldn't want to give the "best parts" (gift opening on X-mas morning, Christmas dinner) to one of the families every single year - I'd want to spend the whole day with them one year and with the other family the next year.  Of course, things get in the way that might prevent you from being able to alternate perfectly every year, but just try to make it fair, and I don't think a spreadsheet is required.  That's just me, I guess, but I don't see why that would be difficult.  It seems like total overkill to feel like if you spent 15.2 hours with his family, you have to spend 15.2 hours with yours.
Edit: I agree with skippylou, also that it's totally okay to spend time with parents apart from one another, but you don't want your parents to feel like your FI doesn't want to be a part of their family, if he never comes along.  Also, consider how it would be if and when you have kids.  I highly doubt that one parent will want to be away from the kids for part of Christmas day.

mdd123082

The spreadsheet idea I have seen done with modest success, not so much for the benefit of the kids using it, but for a display for both sets of parents, to see that time is being divided equally.
In the end, no parent (or child) is really that thrilled to see it, but it's a real reminder that everyone is getting their share of time. Makes it more real. And honestly, I think it's coming to that, at least in the short term.
Have I ever done it myself, no, but I don't think it's all that crazy when everyone wants a piece of ya!

Holidays alone- good for a few hours, in my opinion, but I'd like to spend at least parts of them also with my dude.
I think we're just going to all have to adjust here, someway- he's going to have to accept that just because his parents are happier with each other and more fun in general, my parents are now part of his family, too, and the way they are is not the way we may prefer. It's just the way it is and they need their share of time, as well.
And my mom is also going to have to let go a little bit... just a little. I don't think she's out of line to feel nervous about the way things may change.
For his, I guess just understanding that their son is going to not be present all the time either- that he also has a new set of parents.

Oh the FUN part of getting married- the marriage of the families!

lharri12

It sounds like your mom is insecure because she sees signs that his parents seem closer and happier in general, so she thinks you must prefer to spend time with them instead of with your own family.  That's sad   I guess I see why she wants reassurance, but hopefully it wouldn't get to the point that she needs evidence of equal time splitting via a spreadsheet!!  That just seems ridiculous.  I'd think that with the amount of time you spend together, she should know that you love her and won't abandon her for a "better" family.

TheMcIntyres

The holiday splitting only gets worse once you have children! We set it up so that each family had their day. Basically it works out best because he only has immediate family, and my family gatherings always consist of aunt, uncles, cousins etc. that we celebrate on a different day. IE. for Thanksgiving we celebrate the day after with his parents and sister and a ham dinner instead of the Turkey we had with my family on actual Thanksgiving. For Christmas we celebrate with his family at our house on Christmas Eve night. Then we do our own small tree with our son in the morning and head down the road to my family's house for the day.You realize that it's a silly thing to get stressed over and it will work itself out.