Moms and Maids

Been Replaced as MOH

My daughter and fiance have been a couple for ten years and I am a proud Granny to their 5 year old daughter.  We are very close, so much so that they've given me my own room in their home.  I only live 15 miles from them but I've been there to assist with childcare 2 days a week since my granddaughter was born so staying over a few days a week makes sense.
About 6 months ago my daughter started planning their wedding and has enthusiastically included me in everything including asking me to be her Matron of Honor.  I was thrilled and accepted of course.  I went with them to visit and select the venue.  I shopped for the bride's dress and helped her choose and order the most perfect gown.  We discussed the flowers, colors, centerpieces, my dress, etc. and I have been nothing but supportive of every choice she's made.
The groom asked his best friend to be Best Man at the same time my daughter asked me to be MOH.  The groom has 2 adult sons whom he would like as Groomsmen but they have yet to commit.  My daughter has asked two friends to be Bridesmaids and my granddaught will be Flower Girl.  My daughter even discussed the wedding procession with me saying that it might be nice to have little one near me so she won't feal shy.
The wedding is still 7 months away but yesterday my daughter told me she thought I might be happier if I didn't have to take such a big part and would enjoy being simply Mother of the Bride.  I tried not to appear hurt and waited several hours before approaching her to ask why.  She said since it was doubtful the boys would take part she was going to plan a smaller wedding party with just a BM and MOH and a friend who would have been a BM will now be MOH.  I said I felt hurt and had tears in my eyes which she called my drama. 
I tried to explain myself and was surprised that she was not able to understand my feelings.  She saw nothing wrong with removing me in favor of a friend she's known less then a year.  I said I would assume whatever role she wanted and would do everything possible to make her wedding day as beautiful as possible but my heart is broken.  Am I wrong to be so hurt by this?  She tried to brush it off by saying nothing is definite but at this point for me it is. 

Re: Been Replaced as MOH

  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replaced-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ea799250-e478-4797-a2f2-4b5182af0b8dPost:7148ff0f-f33c-406d-9de4-e64ff943cce6">Been Replaced as MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]My daughter and fiance have been a couple for ten years and I am a proud Granny to their 5 year old daughter.  We are very close, so much so that they've given me my own room in their home.  I only live 15 miles from them but I've been there to assist with childcare 2 days a week since my granddaughter was born so staying over a few days a week makes sense. About 6 months ago my daughter started planning their wedding and has enthusiastically included me in everything including asking me to be her Matron of Honor.  I was thrilled and accepted of course.  I went with them to visit and select the venue.  I shopped for the bride's dress and helped her choose and order the most perfect gown.  We discussed the flowers, colors, centerpieces, my dress, etc. and I have been nothing but supportive of every choice she's made. The groom asked his best friend to be Best Man at the same time my daughter asked me to be MOH.  The groom has 2 adult sons whom he would like as Groomsmen but they have yet to commit.  My daughter has asked two friends to be Bridesmaids and my granddaught will be Flower Girl.  My daughter even discussed the wedding procession with me saying that it might be nice to have little one near me so she won't feal shy. The wedding is still 7 months away but yesterday my daughter told me she thought I might be happier if I didn't have to take such a big part and would enjoy being simply Mother of the Bride.  I tried not to appear hurt and waited several hours before approaching her to ask why.  She said since it was doubtful the boys would take part she was going to plan a smaller wedding party with just a BM and MOH and a friend who would have been a BM will now be MOH.  I said I felt hurt and had tears in my eyes which she called my drama.  I tried to explain myself and was surprised that she was not able to understand my feelings.  She saw nothing wrong with removing me in favor of a friend she's known less then a year.  I said I would assume whatever role she wanted and would do everything possible to make her wedding day as beautiful as possible but my heart is broken.  Am I wrong to be so hurt by this?  She tried to brush it off by saying nothing is definite but at this point for me it is. 
    Posted by 232223512506684[/QUOTE]

    You are absolutely justified to be as hurt as you are.  Your daughter is choosing aesthetics over your feelings. 
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  • sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am sorry for the way you feel and you have ever reason to feel that way. But thats all you can do , Is feel that way. You know what I mean. Your DD made her decision and you have to accept it. I mean you told her how you feel about the situation and then basically go on with life. Maybe your DD 'jumped the gun' per say . That happens alot on here where people ask their friends to be BM/MOH and it turns out bad.  Are you afraid that maybe you wont be as much of a part of planning from here on out?
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with PP. You have every right to be hurt. It doesn't matter who he has on his side. The point of a wedding party is to have your nearest and dearest standing up there with you not about whether sides are even.

    I think it was such a lovely sentiment to include you as MOH and it was blemished by her "demoting" you in a sense.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Your daughter was wrong to take away the role that she offered and you accepted. That was very rude on her part. And it was callous of her to disregard your feelings when you told her how hurt you were. I don't think you are wrong. And if she asks you to be MOH again, I wouldn't blame you for turning down the 'honor.' She owes you a huge apology.

    That being said. Being the MOB really is a special role. You are the only one that can fill that position.
                       
  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Yes, you have a very good right to be hurt. If she did that to someone who she wasn't related to, that person would probably, justafiably, dump her as a friend. It sounds like she is trying to cover up her selfish designs by commenting on you having so much to deal with. Others may not agree with me, but I think that she needs to know how hurt you are by this. After all, you're her mom. 
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replaced-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ea799250-e478-4797-a2f2-4b5182af0b8dPost:9d413b91-fd51-44df-8c3e-c2a3ff9f2a5b">Re: Been Replaced as MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your daughter was wrong to take away the role that she offered and you accepted. That was very rude on her part. And it was callous of her to disregard your feelings when you told her how hurt you were. I don't think you are wrong. And if she asks you to be MOH again, I wouldn't blame you for turning down the 'honor.' She owes you a huge apology. <strong>That being said. Being the MOB really is a special role. You are the only one that can fill that position.
    </strong>Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    I agree, I'd like to rephrase: She didn't demote you because as Maire said, this is such an important role that you can fill. She tarnished her lovely act by retracting her offer to have you have her MOH.
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  • edited December 2011
    Thank you all for your resonses.  I love my daughter very much and wish this hadn't happened.  That said, I will keep my word and support her in whatever role she chooses for me.  The last thing I want is to further damage our relationship.  I'm grateful that there is time for me to cope with my feelings and recover.  I want to stay involved and remain positive for her but I'd be lying if I said it will be easy. 
  • tidetraveltidetravel member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Maybe (maybe?) she didn't feel right having any family involved in the WP, since her FI's sons weren't going to be involved.  Perhaps she thought that since he choose a peer as his BM, she should do the same for MOH, which explains giving the MOH position to someone that she's been friends with less than a year.

    I understand being hurt, but, in reality, you do still have a title and important role in the wedding - MOB.  You can still do everything that you would have done as MOH, if you choose; go shopping with her, help her with tying stupid ribbons on favors, host a bridal shower, etc. 

    Ultimately, she was in the wrong to "demote" you, but it's not really worth it to ruin your relationship over a title that really doesn't "mean" anything.
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  • tidetraveltidetravel member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replaced-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ea799250-e478-4797-a2f2-4b5182af0b8dPost:b2f69cfe-1280-4a29-8dc5-d0ab7c9ff300">Re: Been Replaced as MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you all for your resonses.  I love my daughter very much and wish this hadn't happened.  That said, I will keep my word and support her in whatever role she chooses for me.  The last thing I want is to further damage our relationship.  I'm grateful that there is time for me to cope with my feelings and recover.  <strong>I want to stay involved and remain positive for her but I'd be lying if I said it will be easy. 
    </strong>Posted by 232223512506684[/QUOTE]

    Ok - that's a little dramatic, don't you think? 
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  • sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I have to agree with tidetravel. Its just a wedding. Its not like she is writing you out of her life.
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  • tidetraveltidetravel member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replaced-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ea799250-e478-4797-a2f2-4b5182af0b8dPost:94908768-b9f1-480d-83c9-fd64fc10f12a">Re: Been Replaced as MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]There is NO reason to "replace" an MOH, especially if it's your own mother. We've never backed up a bride who did this before to her sister....or her best friend.....and this is her MOTHER.<strong> Daughter is an ungrateful, self-centered brat.
    </strong>Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    I'm sure that's what a mother wants to hear.

    We all agree that daughter was in the wrong, and that OP's not wrong for feeling hurt.  But, just as we advise everyone who comes to the boards - you can't affect what other people do or how you feel, but you can affect how you react to your feelings.  What, exactly are you suggesting that she do?  Harbor a grudge over a title?  Boycott the wedding?  Throw a temper tantrum like a child until her daughter returns what is "rightfully hers?"
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  • jcamm11jcamm11 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I've never heard of the MOB being a MOH or Bridesmaid.  I think it's possible your daughter feels you're her best friend which is why she asked you to be her MOH, but in hindsight maybe thought it a little weird (for both of you), so asked you to just be the MOB.
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