Cost of wedding and MOH

csacheck

My maid of honor has brought up how much my wedding is costing her numerous time.  It is really starting to hurt my feelings as I don't want this to be a financial burden for her.  When I asked all my girls a year ago to be in my bridal party, I made sure to emphasize that this would be a destination wedding (Arizona)...meaning there will be extra costs for all involved.  My MOH was pushing to have my bachelorette party in her city (she's on the west coast, I'm on the east coast), but since I'm not, she told me she won't be able to make it.  That is totally fine, I understand that it's an expense.  But then she starting talking about how much the plane ticket will be and how much the hotel room would be in Arizona.  She told me is was my responsibility to pay for her accommodations.  Everything I've read says the opposite.  I am just frankly tired of hearing it.  Is it wrong to give her an opportunity to back out and if she doesn't, tell her to shut up about the money?  Wedding is still 6 months away, all food/transportation is taken care of for wedding party for the weekend.  At this point, we are not able to chip in for their rooms, but I gave everyone the info for a very nice place that would be $20 per person a night (assuming 4 people/room).  I don't think that's breaking the bank.  I'm just very frustrated.  Any advice on how to handle this?

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cost-of-wedding-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:eec945b5-4a6c-43b5-b80a-cc53dbf4d942Post:f209bf37-52c7-40fa-8e9d-4c737e0c0543">Cost of wedding and MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]My maid of honor has brought up how much my wedding is costing her numerous time.  It is really starting to hurt my feelings as I don't want this to be a financial burden for her.  When I asked all my girls a year ago to be in my bridal party, I made sure to emphasize that this would be a destination wedding (Arizona)...meaning there will be extra costs for all involved.  My MOH was pushing to have my bachelorette party in her city (she's on the west coast, I'm on the east coast), but since I'm not, she told me she won't be able to make it.  That is totally fine, I understand that it's an expense.  But then she starting talking about how much the plane ticket will be and how much the hotel room would be in Arizona.  She told me is was my responsibility to pay for her accommodations.  Everything I've read says the opposite.  I am just frankly tired of hearing it.  Is it wrong to give her an opportunity to back out and if she doesn't, tell her to shut up about the money?  Wedding is still 6 months away, all food/transportation is taken care of for wedding party for the weekend.  At this point, we are not able to chip in for their rooms, but I gave everyone the info for a very nice place that would be $20 per person a night (assuming 4 people/room).  I don't think that's breaking the bank.  I'm just very frustrated.  Any advice on how to handle this? <strong> I would also like to point out that she has taken 2 weekend vacations to the east coast within 6 weeks of each other, one of which was the same place I'm having my bachelorette party.
</strong>Posted by csacheck[/QUOTE]

I was okay with your post until that bolded part.  You have no say over how your BMs spend their money.  I understand it is frustrating to hear someone say they have no money and then see them spending it, but she shouldn't have to put her life on hold for your wedding.  If she wanted to take those trips she shouldn't have had to decline to be able to fly for your bachelorette.

As for the money issues, I don't know much about DW, but from my understanding when the WP agrees to be in the wedding they agree to the costs.  Say something like "FI and I are doing are best to minimize costs for our WP, but unfortunately we don't have it in our budget to cover their hotel rooms."

csacheck

Yes, you're absolutely right.  She can spend her money however she wants.  I just put that in there b/c it makes it extra hurtful for me to get the constant complaining about money.  I took that part out of my original post, because you're right.  I just need advice on the other parts of my post.

tldh

I paid my own way to Ireland and except for the two nights I was in the castle the B&G rented, I handled all of my own expenses.

aerinpegadrak

I fronted my brother and his wife money for airfare to our DW, and paid for gas money for MOH and another BM as well as one night's hotel.  We also didn't give the best man the option of paying for his own tux rental, DH took care of it.  Everyone else was able to pay their own expenses.  These people are very important to me and I wanted them with me when I got married, I didn't care about the cost.

You really can't, in the next six months, come up with enough cash to help out someone who is supposedly your very best friend?  Rent a movie instead of going to the theater, bring your lunch from home, try to milk an extra few months out of those worn out shoes, whatever.  Yeah, it kind of sucks to carry someone else's dead weight, but those sort of sacrifices are what friendship is about.  My brother can be pretty fiscally irresponsible, but I still wasn't going to let him miss my wedding just because he couldn't get his shiit together.

saisongbird

There was no point in deleting the last part of your post, OP.  You were quoted, so it's not going anywhere, and it just makes you look really bad/shallow.

csacheck

All great advice, thanks!  We've definitely been trying to save for the past year.  Unfortunately a few medical bills have popped up with my sister that we are trying to help out with, so things are tight.  But we'll figure it out.

kimp67

IMO if you can't help her with the cost of the tickets/motel room I would tell her that if she needs to backout of the wedding you would understand (hopefully you would be ok with this).  If she does need to cancel on you, please don't "replace" her.

eshaufle

I agree that it is none of people's business on how members of their WP spend their money. 

Having said that, I don't think it's your responsibility to pay for things normally expected of a WP just because they're being financially "irresponsible".  I'm using the word "irresponsible" pretty loosely here because I don't mean that your friend taking vacations is irresponsible but if she doesn't have general financial hardships, I see no reason why you should have to pay her way on normal WP costs.

I have a member of my WP who is definately low on funds.  She just graduated, is having trouble finding a job, etc...it's through no fault of her own.  Obviously if funds became tight for her, I would try my best to pay for her dress and her getting to my wedding.  However, I think I would have a tough time with this if she were just being irresponsible (i.e. not looking for a job, spending money she doesn't have, etc).

When you agree to be in a WP, you agree to a certain amount of costs.  You need to budget for these costs and agree upon them with the bride (i.e. the dress cost).  I'd say at this point I would give her a financial out if she truly "can't afford" the costs.  Let her make the decision.  You know she's spending money on other things so it's not like you're putting your unemployed, down on her luck friend in an awkward financial position.  She's just choosing not to budget for agreed upon costs of her wedding and that is her option.

I'd help out a truly financially-strapped friend but not one that's just not budgeting for agreed-upon and generally understood costs of being in a WP.  Maybe it's tough love but that's me.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cost-of-wedding-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eec945b5-4a6c-43b5-b80a-cc53dbf4d942Post:0f6964aa-b95b-4f80-8aa2-d184e0a7e4a4">Re: Cost of wedding and MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]IMO if you can't help her with the cost of the tickets/motel room I would tell her that if she needs to backout of the wedding you would understand (hopefully you would be ok with this).  If she does need to cancel on you, please don't "replace" her.
Posted by kimp67[/QUOTE]

Mentioning to the offending MOH the "option" to back out of the wedding may give the MOH the impression that she is being kicked out of the WP, whether it's meant that way or not by the OP.  Unless the OP is prepared to lose the friendship and look 'zilla within her circle, I wouldn't suggest this.  MOH is an adult and if she can't do it, she can just tell the OP on her own that she's dropping out.

To the OP, if you can manage it, try to cover what she can't.  However, if you really can't (and not every bride is in the best financial situation to carry dead weight), just let her know that you're covering what you can, but you are unable to cover all costs.  End of discussion, bean-dip her if she keeps complaining about it. 

I also suggest no more discussing wedding plans with her outside of logistics of the wedding, like location, date, time, etc.  She may not be a wedding person and the idea of it may be burning her out, which may be why she's nitpicking...not defending her actions, just another way of looking at it.  Ultimately, if she's willing to participate, she'll do it.  If she doesn't, then that sucks, but there's not anything you can do about it.  And don't replace her either.

ambermorley

Personally, we are cutting every expense to pay for our own wedding, I would find it really difficult to front someone a plane ticket, hotel room, etc 6 months out. Even my best friend. It isn't a matter of not being generous, you just can't get blood from a rock.

That must be really heartbreaking to feel like your dearest friend isn't as invested as you had hoped, no matter the circumstances. I understand your disappointment. Maybe if you just have a conversation with her next time it comes up, just say "you know, you bring that up a lot, and its starting to make me feel guilty and ____insert feeling here____." Maybe she doesn't even realize she's doing it. Maybe she can work something out, cut costs on attire or something.

Good luck!

Soon2BMrsClay

I don't think it's your responsibility to pay for her.  However, I would be totally understanding if she needed to back out of the wedding due to the expense.  I agree with PP's that it's not your business how she chooses to spend her money.

I would limit wedding conversations with her if her negative talk towards the price of your wedding bums you out (which I understand) and maybe try to come up with little ways to help her save money at your wedding such as paying for breakfasts/or lunches, treat her to a mani/pedi etc.  Little things go a long way to show someone you appreciate them and their time and money.