Moms and Maids
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I feel CORNERED!!! Help!

So before we lived together my FI lived with two women (who are a couple) One is going to be his "best woman", but the other didn't want to be in the wedding.  Now I've picked my bridesmaids and now she tells him (which was relayed to me) that she really wants to be a bridesmaid.  Not only that, but she insists that she walks with her brother. 

Am I a bad person if I don't ask her?  Was it fair for her to tell my FI this in the first place?  I'm so confused and I feel cornered!!

Help!

Re: I feel CORNERED!!! Help!

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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It's up to you two how to handle it.  What does your FI think?  Could she be on his side?
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    edited December 2011
    She doesn't want to be a grooms woman.  She's more of a girlie girl- but she's also very opinionated- which I'm afraid if she was in the wedding party she would want to be extremely involved in planning.  I don't want her to think that she's not wanted- but my FI made it seem like I should ask her.
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    edited December 2011
    She doesn't get to pick your bridesmaids.  That's why they're called BRIDESmaids...the BRIDE gets to pick them.  They don't decide they're going to be there.  She's being very rude.  At the very least, she should have spoken up way before this, and that still wouldn't have granted her an instant Golden Ticket to Bridesmaidland.

    If you feel like you MUST accomodate her, I don't see why she can't be a "girly girl" and still be a groom's woman.  It's not like she has to wear a tux and smoke cigars...if you were so inclined, she could even still attend events with the bridesmaids.  Seriously, she needs to quit whining.
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    edited December 2011
    Thank you all.  Planning a wedding is stressful enough, I don't need to feel guilty about this.
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    edited December 2011
    "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry but we are already too far into the planning to add another bridesmaid! I so wish you had said something back when we originally talked about this with you and FI's best woman!"

    Some things to remember:
    -You have the right to ask whomever you want to stand up with you. No one has the right to ask you to be a bridesmaid. That is rude and inconsiderate. Period. So no, you are not a "bad person" for not asking her.
    -If she wants to be in the wedding party, unless she is actually your friend, she would be in your FI's part of the wedding party. She can still wear a dress on that side if she's a girly-girl (being a "groomswoman" does not mean she has to wear a tux!)
    -She had an opportunity, it seems, to say she wanted to be in the wedding party  and declined that opportunity (your OP suggests your FI asked them both and she declined). Too bad, so sad, she loses.
    -Even if she's in the wedding party, she doesn't get to dictate with whom she walks.

    If it won't cause you too much personal annoyance, you could ask her if she wants to do a reading, pass out programs, sing (if she can), etc. You don't have to throw it in her face, but make sure it is in the framework of the facts (i.e. she was already given an opportunity to participate, she declined). "We'd love for you to participate, as we said when we originally discussed this with you. Since it's too late to add another bridesmaid and because we really would love for you to be a part of our big day, is there any other way you'd like to participate?"
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    edited December 2011
    She has made it pretty clear that she wants to help plan- i.e. wedding coordinator.  I know she has some experience with even planning, but this is SO NOT HAPPENING.  It would be like having your FI's mother/sister planning your wedding.

    I want her to feel involved, because she is part of our family, but I don't know what the right amount and kind of involvement is.  It seems like she wants to do too much and I'm not sure where the line is.
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    DH's friend is about as girly as they come, she still stood on his side.  But if you don't want her as a bridesmaid, you shouldn't feel forced to have her.  This is your FI's friend, he should really be the one dealing with her.
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    lalap69lalap69 member
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    edited December 2011
    My brother and BIL are total guy's guys.  Does that mean they shouldn't stand on my side?  No.  My FSIL is totally girly.  Does that mean she shouldn't stand on my FI's side?  Also no.

    She's being ridiculous and so is your FI.  She'd rather be a bm than gw?  TOO BAD.  That's not her call.  Your FI is the one who is close to her and he's the one who asked her.  She doesn't get to demand that you have her instead.

    You need to talk to your FI and make sure that you and he are united on this.  He needs to have your back in explaining to her that  if she wants to be in your wedding, it will have to be a gw or nothing.

    She can still wear a dress and all of that.
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    edited December 2011
    I definitely second PP's that suggest that you get your FI on-board (a great practice that will hold you in good stead your entire life-- surely this will not be the last pushy person in your life! :).

    It could be dangerous and would really depend on if you're comfortable dealing with the consequences, but could you ask her what she would like to contribute/how she would like to participate? I mean, you said she's "made it pretty clear" that she wants to be the wedding coordinator-- what exactly does that mean? Does she aspire to be J. Lo a la "The Wedding Planner" or does she want to help you cut out photos from bridal magazines?
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