Unsupportive Mother

ani5001

My mother likes my FI, however she is struggling to help us financially and emotionally. My FI and I are taking care of most of the wedding on our own. My FI's family is helping us with food and hosting the wedding on their property which is great! My mother said she'd take care of the rehearsal dinner, but that's it. She is supposed to be walking me down the aisle since my father passed away when I was a kid. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this if she isn't involved with the wedding. I asked her to help with some of the alcohol costs and she flipped out. Any advice? 

Lauriac

Thank her for hosting the rehearsal dinner. The only people responsible paying for your wedding are you and your FI. It's rather shallow of you to base whether or not your mother walks you down the aisle on her monetary contribution.

BeeBee22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unsupportive-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f053a9d5-be5e-42e5-8949-eedf9285c47bPost:5c1f2921-9f13-4bfb-b281-3b83c60ee9c7">Re: Unsupportive Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank her for hosting the rehearsal dinner. The only people responsible paying for your wedding are you and your FI. It's rather shallow of you to base whether or not your mother walks you down the aisle on her monetary contribution.
Posted by Lauriac[/QUOTE]<div>
<div>Absolutely agree with this.  Whether you walk with her or alone is a choice you get to make, but basing it on her FINANCIAL CONTRIBUTION?  Appalling.  </div><div>
</div><div>Why on earth would you ask your mother, who apparently is not supremely well off, to kick in more than she's already generously offered for your party.  Just, wow.  If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to pay for it yourselves.  If people OFFER to help, you graciously and humbly accept their offer.  You do not ask them for financial help.  And you certainly don't auction off the 'honor' of walking you down the aisle.  Gah.</div><div>
</div><div>BTW, if you want to make it about money, how much do you imagine she spent raising you?

</div></div>

MairePoppy

You ask your mother to walk you down the aisle because she loves you and brought you up to the best of her abilities. This honor has nothing to do with monetary contribution.

You are blessed that your in-laws are helping you in a major way with the wedding and that your mother generously offered to host the rehearsal dinner. The wedding and rehearsal dinners are GIFTS to you, not  requirements.

It was not okay for you to ask anyone to help you with your wedding expenses. That is your and fi's responsibility. You should not be planning beyond what you can afford.

You owe your mom an apology.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unsupportive-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f053a9d5-be5e-42e5-8949-eedf9285c47bPost:1fcf829c-980a-48d8-8beb-dd79eecdde23">Unsupportive Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]My mother likes my FI, however she is struggling to help us financially and emotionally. My FI and I are taking care of most of the wedding on our own. My FI's family is helping us with food and hosting the wedding on their property which is great! My mother said she'd take care of the rehearsal dinner, but that's it. She is supposed to be walking me down the aisle since my father passed away when I was a kid. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this if she isn't involved with the wedding. I asked her to help with some of the alcohol costs and she flipped out. Any advice? 
Posted by ani5001[/QUOTE]

One more thing- If you know your mother is struggling financially, you should have told her you will pay for the rehearsal dinner and she can host it.

tlbattaglia

The days of the bride's parents paying for the wedding are over.  While it still happens, I wouldn't expect it.  I would be thankful for what she is helping with.  And I would not take away the moment of walking you down the aisle because she's not giving you more money. 

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unsupportive-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f053a9d5-be5e-42e5-8949-eedf9285c47bPost:1fcf829c-980a-48d8-8beb-dd79eecdde23">Unsupportive Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]My mother likes my FI, however she is struggling to help us financially and emotionally. My FI and I are taking care of most of the wedding on our own. My FI's family is helping us with food and hosting the wedding on their property which is great! My mother said she'd take care of the rehearsal dinner, but that's it. She is supposed to be walking me down the aisle since my father passed away when I was a kid. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this if she isn't involved with the wedding.<strong> I asked her to help with some of the alcohol costs and she flipped out. </strong>Any advice? 
Posted by ani5001[/QUOTE]

<div>Umm, you need to thank your mom for contributing to ANYTHING because she DOES NOT have to. It is you and your FI responsibility to pay for your wedding, to hold a grudge because she isn't helping is immature and flat out disrespectful to the woman who RAISED you. If you don't want her to walk you down the aisle then fine but to use "because she isn't helping to pay for hardly anything" is so petty that it blows my mind that people would do this to a parent who spend TONS of money to raise them. So yes, I advise you change your attitude on your mom's generosity and accept whatever she gives you with gratitude and respect her when she is not able to pitch in to where you want her.
</div>

Cynthia1207

So the fact that she spent I don't know how much money buying your clothes, food, sheltering you and caring for you all your life means absolutely nothing now because she can't help you pay for your wedding when you're a full-grown adult?

She can't walk you down the aisle because ''the only thing she's doing is paying for the rehearsal dinner'' ?

I'm sorry.  Honestly I'm appalled and shocked at this.  I find it really disgusting that you would base bestowing an honor on the amount of money someone gave you for your wedding.   Horrible.  If I would ever even think of doing something like this to my mother, I hope she disowns me and cuts me out of her life because that's what I'd deserve..  I'm sure she'd be ashamed to call me her daughter.  And she would have every right to feel that way.

Beachy730

I can't say anything about how much it cost her to raise you, because I'm not going to assume anything about your past or how you were raised.  There are many parents out there who are nothing other than the people who gave birth to you. 

Regardless, she is not required to pay a penny for your wedding.  She graciously offered to pay for the RD, which is more than she needed to do.  That was extrememly rude to ask her to also pay for the alcohol, especiially since you said she is struggling to help you financially.  I don't care if she is a millionaire, she is not required to pay for anything, and you should be appreciative of what she offers, however much or little it is. 

If you seriously are debating asking your mother to walk you down the aisle based on her contributions, then you are a selfish, spoiled brat.  You should ask her because you want to give her that honor, not because of what she has given you.

purplepeopleeater11

Wow.  So how involved you allow your mother to be in your ceremony is based on her wide she opens her wallet for you?  You should be ashamed...I know you're not, but you should be.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unsupportive-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f053a9d5-be5e-42e5-8949-eedf9285c47bPost:c43f9d7b-37ca-4107-a451-e185330ec4e5">Re: Unsupportive Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't say anything about how much it cost her to raise you, because I'm not going to assume anything about your past or how you were raised.  There are many parents out there who are nothing other than the people who gave birth to you.  Regardless, <strong>she is not required to pay a penny for your wedding.</strong>  She graciously offered to pay for the RD, which is more than she needed to do.  <strong>That was extrememly rude to ask her to also pay for the alcohol, especiially since you said she is struggling to help you financially.</strong>  I don't care if she is a millionaire, she is not required to pay for anything, and you should be appreciative of what she offers, however much or little it is. <strong> If you seriously are debating asking your mother to walk you down the aisle based on her contributions, then you are a selfish, spoiled brat.  You should ask her because you want to give her that honor, not because of what she has given you.</strong>
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
Exactly what dnbeach said.  Especially the bolded parts.   I seriously can't believe you'd treat your own mother, who you admitted is struggling financially, like this.  I had to quote because your selfishness has left me speechless.

melissamc2

So, you want your Mother to buy her spot walking you down the aisle?

Nice.  How much is the minister paying you for the honour of pronouncing you man and wife?

Amisslis

Holding the honor of walking you down the aisle hostage unless your mother ponies up more money is petty and tacky. My single mom is "only" paying for the flowers (which she generously offered without provocation). Maybe I should kick her out of my wedding party for not giving us more. Get real and grow up.

mkrupar

OP - you said yourself your mother is struggling financially but is trying to help in whatever way she can. She offered to host the RD, that's all she can help with. Asking her to chip in for alcohol (which you don't even need if it can't fit into the budget) was wrong. You should graciously thank her for offering to pay for anything.

The fact that you would even consider not having her walk you down the aisle because she is "only" hosting the RD is petty and selfish. Plenty of brides have uncles, granfathers, and brothers walk them down the aisle, not because of how much they contributed to the wedding, but because those were the people closest to them that were there for them throughout their lives.

[Deleted User]

This is really sad. Your Mom walking you down the aisle has no bearing on her financial contributions. Many people are struggling to make ends meet these days.

Like someone else said, the days of the brides parents and all the traditonal stuff are over. If you are old enough to get married and throw a big party, you and your FI can pay for it yourselves.

I would be very appreciative if your Mom is taking care of the RD given her circumstances.

My husband and I paid for our entire wedding ourselves. We had some help from both of our Grandma's, but my parents did not give us a dime while they could have afforded to. What they want to do with their money is none of my business bc obviously they didn't want to spend some of it on their daughter's wedding. Did I still have my Dad walk me down the aisle? Yes.

My husband's parents are not well off, however, insisted on paying for the RD or my husband and I were going to take care of that, too.

deepcovejackie

Exactly what everyone else said.  The fact that you're reluctant to have your Mom walk you down the aisle based on her monetary contribution gives me the shivers.

deepcovejackie

OH, and how does this make her "unsupportive"?

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unsupportive-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f053a9d5-be5e-42e5-8949-eedf9285c47bPost:5a9515c1-8d3c-4bfe-9835-6d60509f0d2e">Re: Unsupportive Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]OH, and how does this make her "unsupportive"?
Posted by deepcovejackie[/QUOTE]

I was wondering this same thing. The thread title should be changed to Ungrateful Daughter.

Muffin'sMom

Selfish and so very sad....

trix1223

You have a great opportunity here:  start auctioning off the parts of your wedding:  how much can you get for the "honor" of walking you down the aisle?  How about what you can rake in for a spot in the WP?  You should get a pretty penny for the honor of giving toasts at your wedding.  If you really play your cards right, you might even auction off naming rights for your firstborn child.

As a mom of 3 children, I am very, very sad for your mom.  And I hope to heaven that if you do have children, they never consider treating you as your are treating your mom.

AdeleDazeem

This post kinda hurts my heart.

I could never EVER feel or say these things about my mom and dad.

kayakrunhike

This makes me feel a bit sick.  Really, OP?  I was greatful for every single penny my parents gave to us for the wedding.  It wasn't much, and we paid for pretty much the whole thing, but it helped.  I hope your mom finds out how you feel about her so you're left without any money for a RD.  that is ridiculous.

SSaltzman87

Everyone else has covered it.

You'd be a great candidate for being on Bridezillas.

ani5001

Ladies, I cannot believe how mean all of you are. My message was completely miscontrued. There is a lot more going on than all of you know and I didn't include it all for sake of having a shorter post. This was meant to generate some advice on how to talk to her, not to be a bash session. 

aerinpegadrak

We can only respond to what you write, and what you wrote made you sound like a brat.  If there is more relevant information that changes how it might be perceived, you need to include it.  We're not mind readers.

ani5001

Understandable. I haven't received much financial assistance from my mother since I got my first job at the age of 14. (I'm not complaining, merely stating a fact.) Why I am frustrated is that my older sister who is 25 has lived home for free almost all her life with no expectation of assisting my mother in any way while I was cut off at an early age. She doesn't pay rent or clean. My mom is her chauffeur and still buys my sister's groceries. My mother complains to me about her finances every time we talk, and I have suggested that she charge my sister rent each month but this has not happened. Because of the financial burden my sister has caused, there isn't much room for my mom to help me. I've offered solutions to my mom's financial issues; however, it's her life and choice what to do with her money. I am grateful for what my mom is contributing, and I should have clarified that the context of asking my mom for help with the alcohol came from my mom asking me what I want for Christmas. I replied, I don't need much this year, and instead of presents, would you want to help with something else in the wedding? 

I have since talked to my mom about how I feel and she understood why I feel this way. She's still in the wedding of course and is trying to be more supportive in other ways (like asking about planning). My mom explained that weddings make her uncomfortable, because she doesn't know a lot about them. I had no idea she felt this way. By talking to her about this, we were able to learn more about each other and grow closer. 

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unsupportive-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f053a9d5-be5e-42e5-8949-eedf9285c47bPost:773c6bb9-d28e-4641-a221-6e590008af7f">Re: Unsupportive Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]Understandable. I haven't received much financial assistance from my mother since I got my first job at the age of 14. (I'm not complaining, merely stating a fact.) Why I am frustrated is that my older sister who is 25 has lived home for free almost all her life with no expectation of assisting my mother in any way while I was cut off at an early age. She doesn't pay rent or clean. My mom is her chauffeur and still buys my sister's groceries. My mother complains to me about her finances every time we talk, and I have suggested that she charge my sister rent each month but this has not happened. Because of the financial burden my sister has caused, there isn't much room for my mom to help me. I've offered solutions to my mom's financial issues; however, it's her life and choice what to do with her money. I am grateful for what my mom is contributing, and I should have clarified that the context of asking my mom for help with the alcohol came from my mom asking me what I want for Christmas. I replied, I don't need much this year, and instead of presents, would you want to help with something else in the wedding?  I have since talked to my mom about how I feel and she understood why I feel this way. She's still in the wedding of course and is trying to be more supportive in other ways (like asking about planning). My mom explained that weddings make her uncomfortable, because she doesn't know a lot about them. I had no idea she felt this way. By talking to her about this, we were able to learn more about each other and grow closer. 
Posted by ani5001[/QUOTE]
The real story still reads as you being upset that your mom isn't giving you enough money for your wedding, which as we've pointed out, she's isn't required to do anything for.

You need to manage your expectations.

Beachy730

I understand the frustration of a sibling who relies on your parents.  My brother is 2 years older than me and still relies on my parents to buy his flights home, lend money sometimes, and then send him gift cards to buy stuff at Target all the time.  It drives me nuts because I think he needs to become financially responsible, but I don't say a word to my parents because they've worked their asses off for their money and can do with it what they please. 

If you are so upset with your sister mooching off of your mom, why don't you talk to your sister about your mother's finances, and suggest she start pitching in for rent and groceries.  Do it in order to help your sister learn some responsibiltiy and to help your mom out, but don't do it for your mom to give you more money.  And if you are so concerned about her finances, decline her help for the wedding altogether.

AdeleDazeem

A lot of that information would have been useful in your first post.  We can only go off what you say.  If you re-read your first post with our perspectives, I'm sure you'll see why you got the responses you did.

Good luck to you.

Istremene

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unsupportive-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f053a9d5-be5e-42e5-8949-eedf9285c47bPost:773c6bb9-d28e-4641-a221-6e590008af7f">Re: Unsupportive Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]  I have since talked to my mom about how I feel and she understood why I feel this way. She's still in the wedding of course and is trying to be more supportive in other ways (like asking about planning). My mom explained that weddings make her uncomfortable, because she doesn't know a lot about them. I had no idea she felt this way. By talking to her about this, we were able to learn more about each other and grow closer. 
Posted by ani5001[/QUOTE]

OP, well done and this changes everything.  More background information gives us a clearer picture to base our opinions on.

redheadtmk

OP- glad things have gotten better. FYI  you need to be very careful about how you word things and making sure you give enough detailed information. I have learned to reread almost every post and make sure none of my word choices can be misconstrued. or that what i write comes out how i mean it to sound. its very easy for people to take things the wrong way when reading them. while i agree with everyones original interpretation of your post in this case, there are people on here who read everything in a negative light and will be less than helpful or polite. good  luck with your wedding