I'm slightly offended, but maybe I shouldn't be *so sorry this is long*

vwhitney2107

I have been thinking about this for about a week now and I haven't said anything to my FI yet because I'm just not sure that I should. Maybe I should let it go. I would just like to share and hopefully receive some good advice.

The back story is my FI and I are having two ceremonies in one day. He is Cambodian and it is extremely important to his family that we do a traditional Cambodian cermony. My FI just wants to please his family but in actuality he could do with out it. BUT it is also extremely important to the both of us that we also have a traditional American ceremony. If we did just the Cambodian ceremony, not all of our friends and family would be able to attend because it is held inside a family member's home. In this case it will be held at my FI's parent's home. So we decided to do both and we will have one big reception that night.

Now traditionally, the Cambodian ceremony will start in the morning and be done around noon and then all of the family and guests stay and hang out and eat and rest up for the big reception which is always an evening reception. Of course our "American" ceremony will be in the afternoon after the Cambodian ceremony.

The issue is, about a week ago, my FI told me that because his parents are hosting the morning ceremony they will need to stay at their house the entire afternoon and entertain the guests and also clean up. So they will not be attending the American ceremony but they will be at the reception. Also, because it is their tradition, most of my FI's family will be staying at the home as well and will not go to the afternoon ceremony but will also be at the reception. So basically the American ceremony will consist of my family and mine and FI's friends.

I have to admit I do feel just a little offended that they won't be going to the afternoon ceremony. I do understand that they have their traditions and their culture says to do one thing. But at the same time, I'm putting forth the effort to take part in their ceremony so knowing that they are so willing to just skip the more "American" ceremony hurts a little. Also...what will everyone think when we start the ceremony and they see my parents walk in and are seated but not only are there no groom's parents but groom's family won't be there as well?

I don't want to offend my FI's parents or family so maybe I should just leave it alone and accept it for what it is. I haven't said anything yet to my FI about this bothering me and I'm wondering if I should say something to him or just get over it?

Thanks for reading!

GoodLuckBear14

You need to talk to him about this.  Regardless of the reasons (cleaning up??) they should be at the American ceremony if your family is at the Cambodian one.  To do otherwise is disrespectful to your family and to you.

deepcovejackie

Are your family going to attend the Cambodian ceremony?  If yes, then yeah, I'd be a little hurt.  If no, then I think it's even and it wouldn't really bother me.  In either case, sure, talk to FI about it.  You're going to need to be able to talk about this type of stuff in your relationship.  He'll always be Cambodian, and you'll always be American.

vwhitney2107

Yes my immediate family will be at the Cambodian ceremony. I agree that it is disrespectul to myself and my family. I don't see why they can't wait to clean up the day after. We will not be leaving to go on a honeymoon right away so we could even offer to help them clean up the following morning. I will talk to my FI about this and get his opinion on it. We just might have to have a chat with his parent's about it.

LHB2011

Does the Cambodian wedding *have* to be in the family home or can, as a nod to the fact that it is taking place outside of Cambodia, it be moved to the same venue as the "American" wedding? I was at a wedding once where the groom was from Indian heritage.  The wedding was held in a hotel where most of the guests were also staying.  They had the Hindu ceremonies in the morning (there's more than one), then everyone ate a delicious Indian lunch and went back to their rooms for a little while.  And then a few hours later, we all came back to the same ballroom which had been transformed into a Western wedding setup and there was the "American" ceremony.  The dress codes was different for both too because the Hindu ceremonies were much more casual. 
It made for a full day but it was fun, especially to experience the other culture's wedding. 

If not, maybe the Cambodian ceremonies could be performed the day before? Assuming a very limited guest list, of course, since you couldn't really expect most guests to come to two weddings two days in a row.

Either way, I agree with PP and you - your marriage represents a blending of your two cultures, and if you are willing to participate in theirs, they should be willing to extend the same courtesy to yours.  It also seems only fair that they would be willing to make some minor changes (such as shortening the afternoon part) so that they can participate in the traditions and culture of their host country.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-slightly-offended-but-maybe-shouldnt-sorry-this-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f10512e9-6b2f-4a97-b23b-2a6f163f19c8Post:632ad896-2a79-4f5f-9be7-adadd3dae9d6">Re: I'm slightly offended, but maybe I shouldn't be *so sorry this is long*</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes my immediate family will be at the Cambodian ceremony. I agree that it is disrespectul to myself and my family. I don't see why they can't wait to clean up the day after. We will not be leaving to go on a honeymoon right away so we could even offer to help them clean up the following morning. I will talk to my FI about this and get his opinion on it. We just might have to have a chat with his parent's about it.
Posted by vwhitney2107[/QUOTE]

Actually this isn't a "we" conversation.  This is one your FI has to have with his family by himself.  His family = his problem.  You do not want to be in on this otherwise you are opening yourself up to being the bad guy and under no circumstance should he throw you under the bus by saying "Whitney thinks..."  The entire conversation with them needs to be "I think"  and if he doesn't agree with you, then I think you have some seriously tough times ahead of you.

You really need to get these things out in the open between you and your FI.  You have your entire lives ahead of you and you can't hesitate to tell him when you are offended or hurt.  A wise woman years ago told me that the first two years of your marriage are going to be either the easiest or the hardest and if you are lucky, they will be the hardest.  If they are hard, you are being honest with eachother and learning to live together.  If they are the easiest, one or both of you are pretending everything is perfect and have to either keep up that charade or have it out in later years with an arsenal of built up resentments.

Good luck.

AutumnFair

DItto to GLB. You need to tell your FI your concerns and he needs to address his parents and get the matter solved. Personally, if they are saying that can't come because of "cleaning" I would offer to get them a professional cleaner to clean up if they are using that as their excuse. 

Yes, if your family is going to the Cambodian ceremony then his family needs to respect the American culture and come to that ceremony as well. They shouldn't get a pass out of the 2nd ceremony just because it's their "culture" to clean up, they need to respect your culture as well. I would be irratated as well, respect for ones culture should go both way. 

RoyalSpoiledOne

I agree if your family attends the Cambodian ceremony, you have every right to feel his family should attend the American ceremony. You should talk to your fiance and have him talk to his family about it.

sister2groom

Could you maybe hire a cleaning crew so his family doesn't actually have to clean up?

StephieBow

I would definitley talk to your FI about this.  Your family is coming to the Cambodian ceremony so they should attend the American ceremony.... no debate here.  It is really really disrepectful to you and your family.

You are 100% right in saying that you are respecting his families customs so, his family should also respect yours.

I would have your FI explain all of this to his parents, if you bring it up it will just cause problems.  Coming from their son makes it more important because if it's important to him then hopefully it will become important to them!

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

LHB2011

Another thought - could it be that they consider the Cambodian ceremony the "real" wedding so they don't attach as much importance to it, since in their minds you will be married after that ceremony? You should definitely have your FI explain to his family that the "American" ceremony holds the same meaning for you that the Cambodian one does to them and ask that they respect that.

MairePoppy

Is it possible to have the Cambodian ceremony the day before the American ceremony? That way, no one will feel rushed and both families can enjoy their traditions.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-slightly-offended-but-maybe-shouldnt-sorry-this-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f10512e9-6b2f-4a97-b23b-2a6f163f19c8Post:f4e92fde-a06c-4cbe-a2c9-886e3bc82d90">Re: I'm slightly offended, but maybe I shouldn't be *so sorry this is long*</a>:
[QUOTE]Offer to hire someone to clean up. It's not "disrespectful"....they are coming to the ceremony they find meaningful. "Respect" goes both ways. They're coming to the reception, so let it go.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Respect does go both ways.  Her family is attending to Cambodian ceremony.  They should be at the American one and need to figure out how to make it work.

joiner521

That is rude of them. You have to abide by their customs but they canide by you not abide by your on YOUR day. Hmmmm//put that in check.

LoveMuffins

It sounds to me like they're also possibly worried about being rude to their cambodian guests who are expecting something specific for the afternoon in terms of staying at his parent's house.  If they make it a group effort to leave his parents house, so that they don't have to leave their guests there, and everyone come to the ceremony, I should think that would make things easier. I know I wouldn't want to leave a bunch of guests at my house while I went to another ceremony; but, to me, those guests should be coming along to the ceremony.

This is definitely something to talk about with your FI, and then have HIM communicate it to his family.

vwhitney2107

I did have a discussion with my FI about this. He is a little bothered by it as well but he sees it as something that can not be changed. Seeing as how we decided to have the 2 ceremonies there are just certain restrictions for the day. The family "elders" will not be traveling to the American ceremony which is across town and my FI's parents can't just leave them at their house. His parents feel that they need to be good hosts as well. If the American ceremony was later in the day they said they would be more than happy to come but since it is only 2 hours after the Cambodian ceremony they just can't come. The American ceremony is being held at a country club and we can't push back the starting time at all due to time restraints with the country club nor can we move the Cambodian ceremony to the country club due to everything that goes into their traditional rituals.

I don't agree with them not being there but at the same time I guess there just isn't anything that we can do to change that. I will be happy to celebrate with them at the reception though.

vwhitney2107

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-slightly-offended-but-maybe-shouldnt-sorry-this-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f10512e9-6b2f-4a97-b23b-2a6f163f19c8Post:715ddb20-b698-4235-9f02-e1fff4f542da">Re: I'm slightly offended, but maybe I shouldn't be *so sorry this is long*</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it possible to have the Cambodian ceremony the day before the American ceremony? That way, no one will feel rushed and both families can enjoy their traditions.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

We thought of a lot of options to try and make this work. The Cambodian ceremony itself is 6 hours long and we are already breaking it up and shortening it as much as possible. We will be having the first 2 hours of the ceremony on a Thursday night, rehearsal and rehearsal dinner that Friday, and then pick up again with the Cambodian ceremony Saturday morning. We even thought about having 2 weddings on completely different dates but that's just wrong in so many ways and no one wants to travel to 2 weddings.

My FI and I are crazy for doing it this way. If we had known how crazy this all was going to be we would have just planned on going to Vegas or eloping, haha.

mizzicantwait

I would be offended too.
I mean it is you and him getting married but it is the unity of two families. So BOTH families NEED to be at both ceremonies.
You really need to talk to your FI and make sure he understands where you are coming from and how bad that makes his family look.
(I know this might be far fetched) But are they not going to go to future celebrations because they do not follow the Cambodian tradition? His family needs to realize that they need to do what is best for both of you that day and not what is expected or what tradition calls.

good luck!

Shabnamsh

Is there any way you can have the "american" ceremony first, before the Cambodian one so that his parents wouldn't have a problem leaving the guests? Or Just have the entire ceremony on that Thursday or Friday instead of breaking it up between three days. Saturday should just be your American ceremony and reception. I mean, when are you gong to have time to do all the stuff you need to do on the wedding day? When are you going to take pictures together? They can't take up all your time and half your guest list. Compromises need to be made. If its a 6 hour ceremony, break it up in 3 hour increments on Thursday and Friday. Good luck! Sounds really stressful. But somehow everything seems to work out. Best wishes!!