MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP

swimwxgirl

I have been having problems with my MOH for the past couple of weeks.  My fiance and I had to change the date at the last minute, I had 4 weeks to plan for the wedding and I'm overwhelmed.  Anyway, b/c we changed the date my dream dress is not able to arrive in time.  Neither will my MOH or my MOB dresses.  My mom obviously understood that with the military you have to roll with the punches.  So my MOH threw a huge fit about her dress, in the end I ended up paying for half the dress and getting her a new one.  Well that was two weeks ago and she has yet to take it in to be altered (which it needs to go from an 8 to a 4).  Then she sent out Shower invitations but in my name.  So everyone was RSVPing to me instead of her.  Then her husband, the BM, calls to tell me she is too stressed and I need to take over the shower.  And then to top it all off she won't give a toast at the wedding b/c she doesn't want to.

I'm completely overwhelmed with planning a wedding in 4 weeks and I really needed her to help out.  She is now saying that she can't get her dress altered b/c they don't have any money.  Yet, he told me she just doesn't want to spend money.  She just wrote me and said that I can replace her and she won't be offended. 

What am I supposed to do with the wedding in 12 days?  She obviously will not have a dress to wear at the wedding.  Do I ask someone else to do it and let them wear whatever they want?  Do I have her do it and pay for her alterations even though I already had to pay for half the dress?  I don't understand, if she couldn't afford it, why didn't she say something when I asked  her about her budget.  My feelings are really hurt and I don't know what to do....HELP ME!

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-troubles-12-days-before-weddinghelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1d61d36-67ad-4dab-8cf6-1230d347cdc2Post:b363c78a-622b-408a-bb74-f186b46d5bb9">MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been having problems with my MOH for the past couple of weeks.  My fiance and I had to change the date at the last minute, I had 4 weeks to plan for the wedding and I'm overwhelmed.  Anyway, b/c we changed the date my dream dress is not able to arrive in time.  Neither will my MOH or my MOB dresses.  My mom obviously understood that with the military you have to roll with the punches.  So my MOH threw a huge fit about her dress, in the end I ended up paying for half the dress and getting her a new one.  Well that was two weeks ago and she has yet to take it in to be altered (which it needs to go from an 8 to a 4).  Then she sent out Shower invitations but in my name.  So everyone was RSVPing to me instead of her.  Then her husband, the BM, calls to tell me she is too stressed and I need to take over the shower.  And then to top it all off she won't give a toast at the wedding b/c she doesn't want to. I'm completely overwhelmed with planning a wedding in 4 weeks and I really needed her to help out.  She is now saying that she can't get her dress altered b/c they don't have any money.  Yet, he told me she just doesn't want to spend money.  She just wrote me and said that I can replace her and she won't be offended.  What am I supposed to do with the wedding in 12 days?  She obviously will not have a dress to wear at the wedding.  Do I ask someone else to do it and let them wear whatever they want?  Do I have her do it and pay for her alterations even though I already had to pay for half the dress?  I don't understand, if she couldn't afford it, why didn't she say something when I asked  her about her budget.  My feelings are really hurt and I don't know what to do....HELP ME!
Posted by swimwxgirl[/QUOTE]
No, don't replace her with 12 days to go.<div>
</div><div>Let the shower thing go.  You made the decision to change the date, not her, so don't blame her for feeling rushed.  </div><div>
</div><div>Let her wear what she wants.  If she bought a dress and now can't wear it because you changed the date, you need to reimburse her for the whole thing, not just half.  I realize it wasn't something you wanted to do, but the fact is that it was your decision to change it and it is only fair to reimburse her for costs she incurred for the original wedding that she can't use anymore now.  It's not fair of her to be out money over a situation she had no control over.  Again, I know you didn't want to change it, but you did and she's been caught in the middle yet still expected to do the whole MOH rigamarole in such a short amount of time.  That's not cheap.  Be sensitive to that.</div><div>
</div><div>With regard to everything else, just hold your tongue and get through the wedding.  A toast isn't required, and neither is a shower.  You had to know that by moving up the wedding like this you would have to make some sacrifices, and these may be some of them.  A dress and a party aren't worth ending a friendship over, and after the wedding is behind you, both of you might view the situation very differently.  But now, 12 days before, is not the time.  Just do your best to let her comments go for the time being.</div>

marissa_claire

Everything Brooke said.  Most MOHs have months to plan showers and buy dresses.  It's your fault, not hers, that the date was moved so don't take it out on her.  You're probably just stressed and wanting more help, in which case you should turn to FI for help, not the MOH.

trix1223

Let her choose a dress she has in her closet.  Let go of the shower, or make it very, very low key.  Punch and cookies and call it done. 

And I know you're feeling overwhelmed, but remember, it was your decision to change the date and have to plan in 4 weeks, not hers.  And now you need to own the decision and live with the consequences.

I hope it all goes well. 

deepcovejackie

Exactly what Retread said.

aerinpegadrak

Everything you've described are things that were out of her control because you moved up the date.  It's pretty delusional to blame her for being a bad friend for trying to cope with your curveball.

mgietler76

over react.. NM you already did.

But seriously, it;s not her fault that you had to move up your date. She obviously is not accustomed to how the military works so you cannot fault her for it. If you are willing to ask someone else to take her place and wear whatever they want than why not let her do the same? You cannot control other people money situations, if she cannot afford alterations than suck it up and let her wear something that she is comfortable in.

In the end you asked her to be your MOH for a reason, remember why you chose her and realize that your wedding is just one more day in her life.

kayakrunhike

Since the other PPs covered everything I would say, I'd also like to mention that I didn't do a toast at my bff's wedding, even though I was MOH.  I'm absolutely scared to death of public speaking, and I would have spent the whole day dreading giving a speech if I had to do it.  My friend understood that about me and had one of the other BMs give a speech, since she volunteered.  It really wasn't a big deal.  Maybe your friend is like that, too.

BeeBee22

The PPs are all correct.  I'd only add that you can't really 'alter' a dress four sizes - two sizes is the max according to dressmakers from everything I've read. I suppose you could if the dress just has two side seams, but two sizes is the normal limit.

Let her wear something she owns.  Return the size 8 and pay her for the rest of the original dress she can't use because you moved the date.  You can always try to sell that dress once it comes in

1ofThoseDays

The way I read it was:
MOH bought dress A for the original date
date was moved up
OP payed for 1/2 of dress A and bought MOH a new dress, B
Dress B dosn't fit right and MOH is refusing to get alterations

KatyRoseM

I would talk to her about how she seems to want an out, is it just about money?  Is something else happening?  It seems to me like something else is happening here and might be a longer term/friend problem. 

Also, did you pay for the whole first dress?  It sounded to me like you did, and half of dress B.  If thats the case you are behaving very well.  The shower thing sounds like a mess, but it happens.  People get busy and things fall apart, make it low key or cancel.  Again, talk to your friend, something else may be happening here.

SSaltzman87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-troubles-12-days-before-weddinghelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1d61d36-67ad-4dab-8cf6-1230d347cdc2Post:ad781641-8bc6-4656-b399-2af8693b4111">Re: MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]Everything you've described are things that were out of her control because you moved up the date.  It's pretty delusional to blame her for being a bad friend for trying to cope with your curveball.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Ditto.

lalap69

None of this is her fault.  It was your choice to move up the wedding and so you need to deal with that.  You can't expect to still have everything exactly how you want it, and it's not your MOH's fault that you are (understandably) overwhelmed.

She bought a dress to wear in your original wedding that she can no longer wear.  Reimbursing her for half isn't good enough - you need to cover the whole cost.  Instead of buying her a too-big dress that needs massive alterations (if it needs to go down 4 sizes, it's not gonna be cheap), you should be letting her wear any dress she chooses.

Perfect coordinating bm dresses are one of the things you sacrifice when you move your date up like that.

As for the shower, did you give her specific instructions about what you wanted?  Tell her that you'll understand if she wants to scale back the shower tremendously or cancel it all together.  If she really can't handle it then, the shower needs to be canceled.  You can't throw your own shower.

Let the toast go.  Maybe she's afraid of public speaking or maybe she just can't write a toast on such short notice with so much additional stress.

You need to be fair to her.  You've dumped  A LOT on her plate and you're getting mad at her for not coping well.  This is your best friend.  You asked her to be MOH for a reason.  Don't let this ruin your friendship.

RastUmbarger

I feel like people are being a little harsh on you... yes you need to deal with the reality of the date change, and I can understand why that would be hard on her financially with the dress... however, that doesn't give her the right to throw a fit, or shove bridal shower duties on to you. The fact that she is not trying to work with you at all says to me that you should just replace her. The note she wrote, the fact that her husband called you, NOT her, coupled with the fact that she has tossed her duties to you, tell me that she's no longer interested in being your Maid-of-Honor, whether you want her to or not. It almost sounds like she'd doing everything she can to get kicked out of the wedding. 

If you would like to keep her in the wedding, I would tell her to get whatever dress she wants - you've already been gracious enough to help pay for the dress that she's not getting to wear, rather than just making her take it at a loss. Then ask the bridesmaids if they can step up and help - which is what SHE should have done in the first place.

Both of you sound like you're trying to take too much on, and now she's left you high and dry. I don't see the point of keeping her standing next to you on the wedding day, as if she's done the work that you and your other bridesmaids will now be handling.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-troubles-12-days-before-weddinghelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1d61d36-67ad-4dab-8cf6-1230d347cdc2Post:f8197392-a19e-484c-93cd-f53bc55c0126">Re: MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like people are being a little harsh on you... yes you need to deal with the reality of the date change, and I can understand why that would be hard on her financially with the dress... however, that doesn't give her the right to throw a fit, or shove bridal shower duties on to you. The fact that she is not trying to work with you at all says to me that you should just replace her. The note she wrote, the fact that her husband called you, NOT her, coupled with the fact that she has tossed her duties to you, tell me that she's no longer interested in being your Maid-of-Honor, whether you want her to or not. It almost sounds like she'd doing everything she can to get kicked out of the wedding.  If you would like to keep her in the wedding, I would tell her to get whatever dress she wants - you've already been gracious enough to help pay for the dress that she's not getting to wear, rather than just making her take it at a loss. Then ask the bridesmaids if they can step up and help - which is what SHE should have done in the first place. Both of you sound like you're trying to take too much on, and now she's left you high and dry. I don't see the point of keeping her standing next to you on the wedding day, as if she's done the work that you and your other bridesmaids will now be handling.
Posted by RastUmbarger[/QUOTE]
No, I don't think that's fair.  OP changed the date then expected her MOH to do all the trappings in 28 days' time.  That wasn't realistic.  MOH isn't in the military, she didn't sign up for that lifestyle.  OP needs to accept the consequences of moving up the wedding so abruptly--her MOH might not be capable of all these things anymore.  Suddenly she has a four-week window to plan and throw a shower, buy a dress, etc.  That's a lot of money to come up with in a short amount of time.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-troubles-12-days-before-weddinghelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1d61d36-67ad-4dab-8cf6-1230d347cdc2Post:f8197392-a19e-484c-93cd-f53bc55c0126">Re: MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like people are being a little harsh on you... yes you need to deal with the reality of the date change, and I can understand why that would be hard on her financially with the dress... however, that doesn't give her the right to throw a fit, or shove bridal shower duties on to you. The fact that she is not trying to work with you at all says to me that you should just replace her. The note she wrote, the fact that her husband called you, NOT her, coupled with the fact that she has tossed her duties to you, tell me that she's no longer interested in being your Maid-of-Honor, whether you want her to or not. It almost sounds like she'd doing everything she can to get kicked out of the wedding.  If you would like to keep her in the wedding, I would tell her to get whatever dress she wants - you've already been gracious enough to help pay for the dress that she's not getting to wear, rather than just making her take it at a loss. Then ask the bridesmaids if they can step up and help - which is what SHE should have done in the first place. Both of you sound like you're trying to take too much on, and now she's left you high and dry. I don't see the point of keeping her standing next to you on the wedding day, as if she's done the work that you and your other bridesmaids will now be handling.
Posted by RastUmbarger[/QUOTE]

You win the award for worst advice of the month.

First of all, members of the WP aren't required to help the bride with any wedding planning.  Many do because they want to, but it's not a requirement of being a BM. 
Second, you should never replace a member of the WP regardless of the reasons.  How would you feel if you were asked to be a BM 12 days before the wedding?


OP, i understand how hard it is to move up the date.  I am a military wife and we had to move up our date by 5 months because of the military, but luckily we still had 5 months to plan.  But the PP's are right.  You made the decision to enter into this lifestyle and accept all that comes along with it, including uncertainty of dates.  Your WP has not signed up for the same lifestyle. 

When we bumped up our date, one of the first things I did was call the memnbers of the WP and make sure the new date was okay with them, and asked them if they were still okay with being in the WP.

Why would you let a replacement MOH wear any dress she had but you won't let this MOH?  And I agree that you should reimburse her for the entire dress amount, and then you can try selling it or something. 

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-troubles-12-days-before-weddinghelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1d61d36-67ad-4dab-8cf6-1230d347cdc2Post:f8197392-a19e-484c-93cd-f53bc55c0126">Re: MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like people are being a little harsh on you... yes you need to deal with the reality of the date change, and I can understand why that would be hard on her financially with the dress... however, that doesn't give her the right to throw a fit, or shove bridal shower duties on to you.[/QUOTE]
I think we're being fair.

[QUOTE]The fact that she is not trying to work with you at all says to me that you should just replace her. The note she wrote, the fact that her husband called you, NOT her, coupled with the fact that she has tossed her duties to you, tell me that she's no longer interested in being your Maid-of-Honor, whether you want her to or not. It almost sounds like she'd doing everything she can to get kicked out of the wedding.[/QUOTE]
Actually I think it sounds like she feels completely overwhelmed and dumped on to the point where she'd rather be kicked out than continue to have to deal with all of this.  It's not at all what she signed up for.

[QUOTE]If you would like to keep her in the wedding, I would tell her to get whatever dress she wants - you've already been gracious enough to help pay for the dress that she's not getting to wear, rather than just making her take it at a loss.[/QUOTE]
Yes, she should be able to wear whatever dress she wants, but there's nothing gracious about paying for HALF of a dress you forced someone to order and that they won't be able to wear due to your decision.  She needs to pay for the whole dress.  She can always sell it to recoup some of the cost later.

[QUOTE]Then ask the bridesmaids if they can step up and help - which is what SHE should have done in the first place. Both of you sound like you're trying to take too much on, and now she's left you high and dry. I don't see the point of keeping her standing next to you on the wedding day, as if she's done the work that you and your other bridesmaids will now be handling.
Posted by RastUmbarger[/QUOTE]
Well, the point is that none of these things are required.  You don't ask someone to be your MOH (or BM) because you think they'll do the most work, you ask them because they're your closest friend.

BeeBee22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-troubles-12-days-before-weddinghelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1d61d36-67ad-4dab-8cf6-1230d347cdc2Post:f8197392-a19e-484c-93cd-f53bc55c0126">Re: MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I... you've already been gracious enough to help pay for the dress that she's not getting to wear, rather than <strong>just making her take it at a loss</strong>. Then ask the bridesmaids if they can step up and help - which is what SHE should have done in the first place. Both of you sound like you're trying to take too much on, and now she's left you high and dry. I don't see the point of keeping her standing next to you on the wedding day, <strong>as if she's done the work that you and your other bridesmaids will now be handling.</strong>
Posted by RastUmbarger[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Rast, as the other ladies have pointed out, you're giving terrible advice.  Since you appear to be fairly new, let's assume you don't know any better.  For your own edification, learn from the responses to your "advice."</div><div>
</div><div>"Make her take it at a loss"? Is this the way you treat your friends?  </div><div>
</div><div>Also, the WP are not the bride's staff, "the point of her standing next to you" is that the MOH is the generally bride's best friend (or sister). Otherwise the bride should have chosen someone else in the first place as MOH.  Once you choose one, you don't change it without risking the end of the relationship (and just revealing yourself to everyone you know as a huge b*tch).</div><div>
</div><div>Granted, this MOH isn't handling it all as graciously as one might hope, but maybe she's having her H call because she's so upset to let her friend down, who knows, and it doesn't matter. The changes were not under her control. She is not at fault here.</div><div>
</div><div>People don't need showers and B parties.  They do need friends.</div><div>
</div>

bdriley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-troubles-12-days-before-weddinghelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1d61d36-67ad-4dab-8cf6-1230d347cdc2Post:1a85fd0e-e641-40f8-92d7-f150760af73e">Re: MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP : No, I don't think that's fair.  OP changed the date then expected her MOH to do all the trappings in 28 days' time.  That wasn't realistic.  <strong>MOH isn't in the military</strong>, she didn't sign up for that lifestyle.  OP needs to accept the consequences of moving up the wedding so abruptly--her MOH might not be capable of all these things anymore.  Suddenly she has a four-week window to plan and throw a shower, buy a dress, etc.  That's a lot of money to come up with in a short amount of time.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]


How do you know she's not in the military or at least familiar with the issue?  If I were a bride with a risk of having to move the date because of deployment I would have brought that up with my WP when I asked them to be a part of it.  Maybe the bride did do that or the MOH is familiar with the military lifestyle in which case the MOH is being more difficult that she should after having been warned about the risk.  If MOH wasn't told about the possibility of a change in wedding date and isn't in the military then I do sense by the way her actions have been described that she's looking for a way out by lacking good communication with the bride.

The MOH should have done her research and known that is wasn't appropriate for the bride to host her own bridal shower.  It is the MOH fault, not the bride's, that this is a problem.  The MOH planned the event, invited everyone and should be held accountable for cancelling the event if she can't afford to do it anymore.  She should NOT be dumping this duty on the bride.  The bride didn't say the MOH had to plan one and shouldn't be obligated to take over one the MOH got cold feet over hosting.

As for the dresses, IF the bride refunded the entirety of dress A and paid for half of dress B it doesn't make sense to me for the MOH to say she can't afford the dress alterations.  What happened to the money that the bride reimbursed her?  I'm assuming dress B is off the rack which is why its so big and available right away.  I would assume it's also cheaper which means the arguement over not being able to afford alterations is flaky.  Unless it's an elabrately designed dress (unlikely since MOH pitch such a fit about cost) then alterations should be less and MOH would have money from being reimbursed for dress A to put toward alterations.  MOH committed to paying for dress A.  If she has that money back to spend on another dress/alterations then she should.  If bride really did reimburse for dress A and pay for half of B then MOH shouldn't be saying she can't afford it now after getting money in her pocket from dress A.  I'm not saying it's fair or right for the bride to tell her MOH to suck it up and pay for the dress but the bride does seem to be very accommodating over the dress issue (as I've interprated it) and the MOH just seems like she's trying to get back as much as she's spent and walk away from it like a bad investment.

Feel free to disagree.  My interpretation of the dress situation could very well be wrong.

mrsjustinm2b

The people that are in your party are usually friends and family right?? The people who stand by you through thick and thin. These people are not just MOH and BM to the bride so how does it work that they are excused for behaving like jerks when push comes to shove for the bride? The OP is going through a tough time too but is supposed to bear it all with perfect grace and tolerate whatever gets pushed her way?? Being told you're hosting your own shower after someone else sent out all the invites and dropping yet another thing on your lap is total douchbaggery.

This sounds a like a friendship issue and you guys need to have an honest convo about what is going on.

Yes she had no idea about the change and it is not her fault but at the same time isnt the point of being a friend to someone to help them out in time of need?? Especially when its a friend close enough to be your MOH?? I would say that having to change your wedding at the last moment qualifies as a time for friends and family to rally for you.

As for the dress, you paid for one completely and half of the other. Seeing as bridesmaids usually pay for their own dresses I really don't think that shelling out anymore is reasonable when you've already paid for one full and one half dress.

Beachy730

The OP also had the option to push the wedding back, but instead chose to push it up instead and rush herself.  And yes friends usually try to help their friends, but if they have other things going on in their lives they shouldn't be expected to drop everything in their own life and put their own things on the back burner because of it.  Some of you are doing a whole lot of assuming that the MOH is a bad friend and what not, when the much more likely scenario is that she is just busy herself.

lalap69

bdriley - your interpretation of the dress situation is wrong.  She only paid for half of the first dress.  Also, alterations aren't cheap, especially when you're altering a dress down *4* sizes.  The alterations could very well end up costing more than the dress.  Why is it that a replacement MOH can wear any dress but the current one can't?

mrsjustin - Friends don't exist to be your personal slaves during difficult times.  OP made the choice to move her wedding up and has dumped a lot on her MOH as a result.  She could have let several of these things go - matching dresses and showers aren't required.  She didn't.  MOH probably has her own shiit going on.  Why should she have to spend extra money and drop her own priorities because of her friend's choice?  Friendship is a two-way street.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-troubles-12-days-before-weddinghelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1d61d36-67ad-4dab-8cf6-1230d347cdc2Post:48498237-5ce0-4b9b-9a9a-97c85adf5104">Re: MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]The people that are in your party are usually friends and family right?? The people who stand by you <strong>through thick and thin</strong>. These people are not just MOH and BM to the bride so how does it work that they are excused for behaving like jerks when push comes to shove for the bride? The <strong>OP is going through a tough time too but is supposed to bear it all with perfect grace and tolerate whatever gets pushed her way</strong>?? Being told you're hosting your own shower after someone else sent out all the invites and dropping yet another thing on your lap is total douchbaggery. This sounds a like a friendship issue and you guys need to have an honest convo about what is going on. Yes she had no idea about the change and it is not her fault but at the same time isnt the point of being a friend to <strong>someone to help them out in time of need</strong>?? Especially when its a friend close enough to be your MOH?? I would say that having to change your wedding at the last moment <strong>qualifies as a time for friends and family to rally for you</strong>. As for the dress, you paid for one completely and half of the other. Seeing as bridesmaids usually pay for their own dresses I really don't think that shelling out anymore is reasonable when you've already paid for one full and one half dress.
Posted by mrsjustinm2b[/QUOTE]
She's getting married, not getting diagnosed with cancer.  Let's putt it all in perspective: OP moved up her party, her MOH is having a tough time throwing her sub-parties and buying multiple outfits.  Hardly a "time of need."  A "time of need" is when you get divorced, have a miscarriage, lose your job, and, yes, your husband gets deployed.  OP needs to keep her friends so that she has some for the many long months her FI is in harm's way.  THAT is her time of need.  Not her wedding.  Sheesh.

aerinpegadrak

A wedding is a happy occasion.  If you need "support" to plan a party, you're doing it wrong.

SSIL planned her wedding in 5 weeks on practically no budget, and the entire thing was pretty much stress-free (except for some difficulty with getting her dress cleaned and altered).  It's absolutely possible to do, it just requires the bride to be flexible.  Still insisting on pre-parties and matching dresses when it's not remotely realistic for them to happen is not being flexible.

skylotte101

"She's getting married, not getting diagnosed with cancer.  Let's putt it all in perspective: OP moved up her party, her MOH is having a tough time throwing her sub-parties and buying multiple outfits.  Hardly a "time of need."  A "time of need" is when you get divorced, have a miscarriage, lose your job, and, yes, your husband gets deployed.  OP needs to keep her friends so that she has some for the many long months her FI is in harm's way.  THAT is her time of need.  Not her wedding."

You are absolutely right. A person's husband or fiance being deployed is a time of need. But what about the weeks of preparing for the goodbye of that deployment, and uncertainty and fear that comes with not knowing what will happen during that time.  There is an element of stress there, and OP has to deal with that as well as the wedding planning.  If the wedding is being moved up to accomodate deployment, they are both anticipating a long separation and everything that comes along with it. The added stress of having to plan a wedding with so little time does not help. Obviously there are some communication issues that need to be worked out, and OP needs to be a friend to her BM's and MOH.  But as her friends, they should be supporting her as well.  There is a lot of uncertainty in the time before a deployment-- maybe she just needs a little bit of help to stay sane.  The wedding is not only a party, it the first day of a marriage, which right from the start will have them separated for a while.  Thats not exactly easy to deal with.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-troubles-12-days-before-weddinghelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1d61d36-67ad-4dab-8cf6-1230d347cdc2Post:de9d65f9-f13f-49ba-a1f7-db7e1119fe96">Re: MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]"She's getting married, not getting diagnosed with cancer.  Let's putt it all in perspective: OP moved up her party, her MOH is having a tough time throwing her sub-parties and buying multiple outfits.  Hardly a "time of need."  A "time of need" is when you get divorced, have a miscarriage, lose your job, and, yes, your husband gets deployed.  OP needs to keep her friends so that she has some for the many long months her FI is in harm's way.  THAT is her time of need.  Not her wedding." You are absolutely right. A person's husband or fiance being deployed is a time of need. But what about the weeks of preparing for the goodbye of that deployment, and uncertainty and fear that comes with not knowing what will happen during that time.  There is an element of stress there, and OP has to deal with that as well as the wedding planning.  If the wedding is being moved up to accomodate deployment, they are both anticipating a long separation and everything that comes along with it. <strong>The added stress of having to plan a wedding with so little time does not help.</strong> Obviously there are some communication issues that need to be worked out, and OP needs to be a friend to her BM's and MOH.  <strong>But as her friends, they should be supporting her as well.</strong>  <strong>There is a lot of uncertainty in the time before a deployment-- maybe she just needs a little bit of help to stay sane.  </strong>The wedding is not only a party, it the first day of a marriage, which right from the start will have them separated for a while.  Thats not exactly easy to deal with.
Posted by skylotte101[/QUOTE]
Wedding planning is not inherently stressful.  If it's stressing you out, you're focusing on the wrong things.<div>
</div><div>I'm sure her friends are being supportive re: the deployment, but to get all worked up because you moved up your wedding and your MOH can't accommodate your changes is not remotely related.  This is putting a friend in a costly, difficult position for no reason.  MOH didn't sign up for the military lifestyle, so it's unfair to expect her to roll with the punches the same way OP does.</div><div>
</div><div>I totally agree she needs help to stay sane--so why is she fixated on what her MOH isn't doing for her wedding?  That's the point.  Don't piss off your BFF about your wedding when you're going to need your friends after it.  OP changed her date.  That was her decision.  MOH shouldn't have to shell out lots of money for multiple outfits and parties on short notice for it.  MOH should be able to wear what she wants and not have to do a shower in such a small timeframe.</div><div>
</div><div>Do you see the difference here?  What MOH does or doesn't do for the party is irrelevant.  OP should be focusing on the marriage here, not making a checklist of what this girl isn't doing under circumstances where just about any of us would say, "You know what, I don't need these extraneous things--I just want to be married."</div><div>
</div><div>MOH not wanting to plan parties under these circumstances has NOTHING to do with her supporting her friend in an ACTUAL difficult circumstance and has NOTHING to do with her support for the marriage.  I'm getting sick of people confusing the wedding with the marriage.  If OP had her priorities straight, she'd recognize this.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I also fail to see how a shower and a matching dress will make OP's FI's deployment any easier on her.</div>

bdriley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-troubles-12-days-before-weddinghelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1d61d36-67ad-4dab-8cf6-1230d347cdc2Post:e9fd9a49-d029-4cda-9ba9-b3a0b69c8439">Re: MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP : Wedding planning is not inherently stressful.  If it's stressing you out, you're focusing on the wrong things. I'm sure her friends are being supportive re: the deployment, but to get all worked up because you moved up your wedding and your MOH can't accommodate your changes is not remotely related.  This is putting a friend in a costly, difficult position for no reason.  MOH didn't sign up for the military lifestyle, so it's unfair to expect her to roll with the punches the same way OP does. I totally agree she needs help to stay sane--so why is she fixated on what her MOH isn't doing for her wedding?  That's the point.  Don't piss off your BFF about your wedding when you're going to need your friends after it.  OP changed her date.  That was her decision.  MOH shouldn't have to shell out lots of money for multiple outfits and parties on short notice for it.  MOH should be able to wear what she wants and not have to do a shower in such a small timeframe. Do you see the difference here?  What MOH does or doesn't do for the party is irrelevant.  OP should be focusing on the marriage here, not making a checklist of what this girl isn't doing under circumstances where just about any of us would say, "You know what, I don't need these extraneous things--I just want to be married." <strong>MOH not wanting to plan parties under these circumstances has NOTHING to do with her supporting her friend </strong>in an ACTUAL difficult circumstance and has NOTHING to do with her support for the marriage.  I'm getting sick of people confusing the wedding with the marriage.  If OP had her priorities straight, she'd recognize this. ETA: I also fail to see how a shower and a matching dress will make OP's FI's deployment any easier on her.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

It isn't that she didn't plan the party.  It's that she planned it then backed out after the invites were sent and then told the bride to host her own party.  She should have cancelled the party and I think the bride is saying she would have preferred it to be cancelled than have to suddenly host it herself.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-troubles-12-days-before-weddinghelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f1d61d36-67ad-4dab-8cf6-1230d347cdc2Post:fb8628c8-30d4-41b5-9221-eda44298f282">Re: MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH troubles 12 days before wedding...HELP : It isn't that she didn't plan the party.  It's that she planned it then backed out after the invites were sent and then told the bride to host her own party.  She should have cancelled the party and<strong> I think the bride is saying she would have preferred it to be cancelled than have to suddenly host it herself.</strong>
Posted by bdriley[/QUOTE]
But did she tell the MOH that?  MOH may have been under the impression that the party HAD to happen, which would explain why she thought passing it off to the bride to handle was the best course of action.  Presumably if she'd just flat-out said "If the party's that big a problem, just cancel it, I don't care," that whole subset of drama would have been avoided.