Asking FI's sisters to be BMs (long)?

michellep1

First of all I just want to say that I am nowhere near asking any of my girls to be BMs yet, since my wedding isn't until June 2012 and I've lurked on here long enough to know why that is a bad idea.  I just like to have a plan on everything I'm going to be doing, and lately I've been thinking a lot about bridesmaids (vendors keep asking me about it).  I definitely won't be asking anyone for a few months, I just was hoping to get some advice from you ladies before I have to make any decisions.

I will be having my sister and best friend (might as well also be my sister) as MOHs.  Besides those two I'm sort of struggling.  I lived with 5 girls the full four years of college and we were very close, however since graduating I seem to have only kept in touch with 3 out of the 5.  So originally my plan was to ask my sister and best friend to be MOHs, then have those 3 as bridesmaids.  However, FI has two sisters that I feel obligated to consider.

One is about 7 years older than me, she isn't very close to FI, but her daughter will be our flower girl.  I've really only spent a few days over the 4 years we've been together around her, so I don't know her well at all.  His other sister is only a couple years older than I so we tend to have more in common.  She's engaged as well so we're really more at the same place in our lives.  She talks to FI at least once a day, so I really thought he would want her in the wedding.  Although I wouldn't really consider her a friend, I do like her and can actually carry on a conversation with her as opposed to the older sister.

I've talked about it with FI numerous times and he doesn't think we should ask them, but he also is the type of guy that doesn't think it really matters.  I'm afraid of the possibility that they'll hate me forever if I don't ask them (they're very petty, if his mom buys one something, the other one has to have it too).  FI thinks I am overthinking it and that they won't care either way.  I don't really know them well enough to figure out if he's right or not.  We are from different towns, so there isn't much possibility that I'll get closer to them over the next few months, because I rarely see them.  The one thing that keeps making me rethink our decision to not ask them is that family is very important to me, and although I don't know them well, they will be my family for the rest of my life.

So I guess my question is, what would you do?  Would you ask even though your FI thinks you shouldn't?  Do you think I should just trust FI that not asking won't cause a rift in my relationship with them in the future?  Thanks in advance ladies, I'm really torn about what to do and I generally agree with the advice you all offer so I'm hoping this will give me some guidance.

sister2groom

If you're going to ask them, I would push off asking all of your bridesmaid as long as possible. That way, if they do create drama, it will be short-lived.

twilight.rose

I wouldn't ask them, particularly since your FI doesn't think it will be an issue. Your wedding party should be comprised of those closest to you, and it doesn't seem like you're particularly close to these girls.

If they must be included, they can stand with your FI, as they're his sisters. 

aerinpegadrak

I think that it should be up to your FI.  If he wants them in the WP, they can stand on his side.  If he doesn't want them in the WP, he can be the one to tell them that he decided not to include them if they bring it up.  It's his family, you shouldn't be the one determining their involvement just because you have the same plumbing.

tenofcups4me

When I got married the first time, I assumed I'd ask the ex's sisters to be bridemaids (beacuse that's what you DO, or at least that's what you do in my crowd). He didn't think I should ask them. But I didn't entirely trust his judgment on that and I asked him to check with his mother, whose opinion I did trust about it. She agreed that I shouldn't ask them. Honestly, I still felt kind of bad that I didn't, even though they both said I shouldn't. But I figured they knew their family better than I did...

BarbourWales04

I agree with aerin- your FI knows his family much better than you do. If it turns into drama, then you (or he) can explain later that neither one of you thought it would be that big of a deal.

Maybe you could have the sisters do a reading or something of that nature at the wedding? Would that work?

Kyrra919

I am in a similar boat. My fiance has two sisters, an older one who lives in DC and we don't see very much, and a younger one who lives at home with their parents and is the same age as my own sister and whom I am pretty close with. I have asked the younger one to be a bridesmaid, but don't plan on asking the older one. However, my fiance is going to ask his older sister's husband to be a groomsman, and we have agreed that we'd like his older sister to do a reading or something for the ceremony. We want to include her but since we don't really see her much and I'm not nearly as close with her as I am with his younger sister we have settled on asking her to do a reading.

It's your wedding, and your bridesmaids should be those who you are close to and you want to have standing by your side. If you're not that close with either of your fiance's sisters then don't ask them to be in the wedding. Or, if you feel closer to one than the other ask the one to be a bridesmaid, but have the other do a reading or something.

Good luck! And congrats!

orangejulius

I wouldn't ask them unless you are close with them. My fiance has 3 sisters, and I went back and forth on whether I should ask them, but it came down to the fact that I have friends (and a sister of my own) who I am much closer with and would want standing up there with me. My fiance, his brother, and his mom all agreed, and I never even discussed it with his sisters. I'm still trying to keep them involved in activities like the bridal shower (even though they can't come) and the bachelorette party (only one sister is coming). I was sad that I'm not close with his sisters for a while, but now I just accept that not eveyone is meant to be really close (which I'm sure you understand).

jcamm11

I didn't know FI's sister very well, and I asked her to be a BM.  I'm really glad I did, I feel like we've actually grown closer.

ChrystalandCarter

Have you considered asking them to be hosts or play another role in the wedding?  It might be a fun thing for them to do together... to know they're important, but not feel like they have to be involved in all of the activities unless they want to be!

I did ask my Fiance's sister, and we are not close... but I hope we will be close as the years pass.  She is too young and wild and free to care about the long term right now anyway, so I'm not worried about it

michellep1

Thanks everyone for all the advice!  I've definitely got a lot to think about and coming back to this thread to review everyone's suggestions will really help. 

To those that asked about them doing something together-I forgot to mention that they barely speak to one another.  That would also make the wedding party sort of awkward since the only people they'll know is each other, and they don't talk!  The younger one is engaged to someone that the entire family basically hates, I felt so bad for her when she announced her engagement and no one was happy.  To make a long story short, the older sister stopped talking to the younger one a long time ago (before they got engaged) because she so hates this man. 

Thanks again ladies!

sweetvidalia

I have a FSIL from hell and the word "petty" does not justly describe her. FI's mother asked that we allow her in the wedding. We "considered" it, and decided no; and now we are thanking our lucky stars we passed up on that opportunity. She is  a nightmare, and I wouldn't drag drama and pettiness any further into the wedding than it has to be. Your wedding party is made up of your friends of your choosing.