My parents and my fiance... a juggling act!

sposaromana

Hi all,

So there are 8 months to go to the wedding and there are things that are popping up that have me a little concerned. To get to the point, my fiance and I went to IKEA a couple months back to choose our furniture for our future apt. My fiance is set on purchasing this leather couch they have. I like it but I wouldn't go crazy over it, plus it's not super cheap, being IKEA after all. Yesterday my mom takes me aside and tells me she thinks this couch looks really cheap and is not worth the money and I should try to convince my fiance not to pruchase it. They said they'd help us with financing a better couch if needed.

I've had numerous arguments with my fiance where he claims I'm too attached to what my parents have to say. Supposedly any time my parents suggest I do something, I never question it and always go with what they say. I admit I am more attached to my parents than he is, but I also simply value my parents' opinion. I know I have to eventually tell my fiance about this couch situ and I know this is going to start an argument because he'll accuse me of being too influenced by my parents.

Ultimately it's not only about the couch, but I feel like I'm always stuck in the middle of my parents and my fiance. They get along, don't get me wrong, but they don't always have the same point of view and it's exhausting trying to make both parties happy. I feel like my mental sanity won't last very long with this juggling act. Any suggestions?

heinz11msw

Once you and your FI marry, you become one. You need to talk to him about it. I know that personally, my FI would not feel comfortable having my parents help pay for something because he takes pride and taking care of us.

Maybe you are a little attached to your parents-- and that's okay. We weren't all raised the same. The important thing is, is that now is the time to start breaking that attachment.

To compromise, tell your parents "thanks but no thanks" on having them help you. Then tell your FI that you don't LOVE the couch, but you would be happy to take your time to look for another couch with him that you both like and can afford.

Cynthia1207

How about doing what makes you happy?  Do you like the couch?  If yes, buy it.  If no, well you keep shopping.  There is no need to tell your FI what your parents think because ultimately it's you and FI who are going to be living and looking at your furniture.

aerinpegadrak

Why does it matter what your parents think about your couch?  It's fine to take their opinions into consideration and ask them for advice, but really, the reason marriages fail is because there's a third party involved.  In this case, that third party is your parents.  I think you need to be sensitive to your FI's concerns and stop bringing them in on issues that really aren't any of their concern.

breaness

We were in a similar situation. FI really liked a dining room table that I was NOT crazy about, but the price was right. We found one that we both really really liked but it was almost double the cost. My parents offered to pay for half of the table as a housewarming gift kind of thing. They wanted to help, and it ended up working out better for us because the table is super nice and something that we would keep going into a house, whereas the other one would have needed to be replaced entirely.

marinabreeze

I agree with PPs, especially heinz and aerin.  If your parents' influence is the source of many of your arguments with your FI, it would be worth it to at least consider if you might indeed be too attached to your parents' opinion. 

Don't get me wrong, it's fine for them to advise you to some degree, but you're getting married and your life will be with your soon-to-be husband.  The talks you guys have concerning decisions made for you and your FI's marriage shouldn't include, "well my parents think blah blah" or "well my parents want us to do X."  

It's one thing if your opinion differs, but it's not the best thing to bring your parents into your decision-making with your FI.  It's not fair...he may want to debate and decide with an equal partner, not with other people who aren't in the relationship.  And like aerin said, that is something that can take a toll on your marriage down the line.

Boundaries are oftentimes important where parents are concerned and need to be set.  Keep your parents on a need-to-know basis...and no, they don't need to know about the majority of decisions you and your FI make as a couple, unless it pertains to them or they're paying for it (like for example a wedding they might be footing the bill for).

Now as far as the IKEA stuff is concerned, to be honest, I don't trust the quality of their furniture and it tends to fall apart relatively easily/doesn't last.  I have a bed, table, and some ofher items from them, so I'm quite familiar with their products (and how much of a PAIN they are to put together).  Make sure you're aware of what you're buying going forward...if that serves your needs at this point and you're not looking for heirloom-quality, go for it. 

If you're weary of your FI's furniture choice for whatever reason, you might just want to let him know it's not your taste and maybe you can both find something that both of you like and works in the budget.  That way, you can avoid getting what you don't want, and also keep your parents out of the equation.

RainbowBrite85

Your choice of furniture really isn't up to your parents.  You should talk with FI and tell him why you don't want the couch.  Don't bring your parents into it at all.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_parents-fiance-juggling-act?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f330c209-743a-4240-85fa-84a2c8242d72Post:5f0a08ba-71b7-4bb5-90cd-ed9bdd61d89e">Re: My parents and my fiance... a juggling act!</a>:
[QUOTE]We were in a similar situation. FI really liked a dining room table that I was NOT crazy about, but the price was right. We found one that we both really really liked but it was almost double the cost. My parents offered to pay for half of the table as a housewarming gift kind of thing. They wanted to help, and it ended up working out better for us because the table is super nice and something that we would keep going into a house, whereas the other one would have needed to be replaced entirely.
Posted by breaness[/QUOTE]
See, but that's a different situation: You both decided that you liked the more expensive one but couldn't afford it, and your parents stepped in to help after you'd made that decision.  OP's parents are trying to influence the original decision.

Kniblet

The only thing that matters is what you and your future husband like and can afford.  After all, your butts will be on that couch, not your moms, day in and day out.

My mother is overly opinionated.  I block her out.

courtney1188

If I was your FI I would be very concerned if things like the couch situation typically happen. It sounds like your parents interject their opinion where it doesn't belong. I mean really, he is saying he likes a couch and you're going to say you can't buy it because your mom doesn't like it?  There is absolutely no reason you need to tell your fiance what your mom thinks of the couch. Why? Because her opinion doesn't matter, because it's not her couch!

You are going to become husband and wife, and that means HE is your main family now (I'm not saying you shouldn't be close with your parents, but seriously, he is your husband). Of course he is going to feel insulted if you value your parents' opinion more than his. Wouldn't you think it was weird if your mom felt the need to discuss all of her and your dad's decisions with your grandma? Especially if she seemed to care about her opinion more than your dad's?

My FI used to make me feel that way, and I HATED it. It got to the point where when he said maybe he should call his mom and get her opinion, I would respond with, "OR we could do it the adult way and make the decision between the two of us just like other married couples, including your parents, do all the time." Might sound harsh, but he finally got the point and it's no longer an issue.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_parents-fiance-juggling-act?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f330c209-743a-4240-85fa-84a2c8242d72Post:0bc1d924-73c7-4422-ba15-0c428d287b88">My parents and my fiance... a juggling act!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, So there are 8 months to go to the wedding and there are things that are popping up that have me a little concerned. To get to the point, my fiance and I went to IKEA a couple months back to choose our furniture for our future apt. My fiance is set on purchasing this leather couch they have. I like it but I wouldn't go crazy over it, plus it's not super cheap, being IKEA after all. Yesterday my mom takes me aside and tells me she thinks this couch looks really cheap and is not worth the money and I should try to convince my fiance not to pruchase it. They said they'd help us with financing a better couch if needed. I've had numerous arguments with my fiance where he claims I'm too attached to what my parents have to say. Supposedly any time my parents suggest I do something, I never question it and always go with what they say. I admit I am more attached to my parents than he is, but I also simply value my parents' opinion. I know I have to eventually tell my fiance about this couch situ and I know this is going to start an argument because he'll accuse me of being too influenced by my parents. Ultimately it's not only about the couch, but I feel like I'm always stuck in the middle of my parents and my fiance. They get along, don't get me wrong, but they don't always have the same point of view and it's exhausting trying to make both parties happy. I feel like my mental sanity won't last very long with this juggling act. Any suggestions?
Posted by sposaromana[/QUOTE]

Ciao_Bella!

Once you get married (or even engaged) you're a wife first and a daughter second.  Same for him, he's a husband first, a son second.   A marriage will not work if your priorities are not in order.

I learned this from a very dear friend of mine, who has since passed away from breast cancer, who was a licensed Marriage Counselor with a Ph.D. in Psychology.  

I

courtney1188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_parents-fiance-juggling-act?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f330c209-743a-4240-85fa-84a2c8242d72Post:4aeb9065-694e-42c6-b868-0ccff55f6c02">Re: My parents and my fiance... a juggling act!</a>:
[QUOTE]Once you get married (or even engaged) you're a wife first and a daughter second.  Same for him, he's a husband first, a son second.   A marriage will not work if your priorities are not in order.
Posted by Ciao_Bella![/QUOTE]

This is exactly what I was trying to say in less words. OP, you REALLY need to read that post. Read it over and over until it sinks in.

graysquirrel

I agree with pps. This should be about a conflict between you and your FI. I appreciate the wisdom of parents, but sometimes we need to know when to leave them out of it. If you don't like the couch, simply tell him. Explain that you would like to start your married lives together by making decisions together-- that you'd like your new furniture to be one of those choices that both can be happy with. You could possibly even find a cheaper couch that is similar and show him a picture of it.