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HELP

cyn1812000cyn1812000 member
10 Comments
in Moms and Maids
I'm at a loss... Due to finacial reasons on my part I was not able to pay for my BM attire, so I let them choose (since they were paying) to make sure it was something affordable for everyone.  However, one BM has hit harder times and is lying to me about having the dress ordered.... I would like to help her as much as I can, but this BM also lives out of town and I don't want to pay towards the dress just to loose the $ b/c she can't afford to come to the wedding.  I know she really wants to be here for me, and I would love if she could - but I don't want to make a financial commitment to help if I'm just going to loose the money when things are really tight for me as well.  However when I talk to her she tells me everything is fine and that she'll "find a way"... while that's nice it's not reality.  Since she's already lied about ordering the dress I'm worried she'll lie about being able to come up with the travel money.  What should I do?

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Re: HELP

  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Why are you even monitoring when or whether the BMs have ordered their dresses?  Stop micromanaging them.  If they're allowed to pick their own dresses, then she can buy it at any point prior to the wedding.  Chill out and apologize for sticking your nose where it didn't belong.
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  • cyn1812000cyn1812000 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    the wedding is less than 2 months - it takes 6-8 weeks to get the dress - helping on the dress means cutting money from food for all guests - since she now wants my help it is my business

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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Personally, I find it very hard to believe that $100 will make or break your budget to the point that you can't feed your guests.  I think you're exaggerating the inconvenience.  Having said that, you're under no obligation to buy it for her, though I would if I were in your shoes.

    If you can't help, just say, "Sorry, I can't help you financially, but I'll be happy as long as you wear any blue dress (or whatever color it is) and stand up next to me for the wedding."  She doesn't have to be matchy-matchy, and you'd rather have her there than not, so be flexible.  Money should never exclude a friend from the WP.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Ditto Brooke. What is more important, that she be in your wedding, or that she is wearing a specific BM dress? I realize you said they could choose their own, and if they can, how are you monitoring whether or not they've gotten their dresses? How did you catch her in her lie? If I were you, I would stress how important it is for her to be standing up next to you and let her just get a dress in whatever color you choose. It could even be a dress from Target.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    If they can pick their own dresses then why doesn't she just choose a dress that she can afford. I guess what's confusing me is you said you let them pick their own dresses but it sounds like you are micro-managing all of this to the point where you picked the dresses, otherwise why would she pick a dress outside her budget?


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  • cyn1812000cyn1812000 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    The BMs cohesively picked a dress  for all of them to wear... I found out because one of my BMs had me call to check when their dress was arriving - when I did I just asked about all of the dresses, that's when I found out one hadn't been ordered yet and the only reason it's an issue is because I'm now at the deadline for ordering the dress... I don't mind helping her - but that money could be used towards other things such as Christmas gifts (we're skipping this year to pay for the wedding)... I could also use it to buy a nicer wedding band for FI - I know I  can not help her with travel expenses... I just don't want the money to go to waste.  The issue is more or less if she doesn't have money for the dress how will she have money to travel?  If it were you would you give the money if you were unsure that she would show up and then just be out the money?  I'm working 14 hour days to pay for this wedding - not all of us have large budgets to work with.

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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_help-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f547f11f-e586-4846-81fb-b3ca2309713bPost:3d110e8b-7879-4831-9571-eeb498fe8e3a">Re: HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]The BMs cohesively picked a dress  for all of them to wear... I found out because one of my BMs had me call to check when their dress was arriving - when I did I just asked about all of the dresses, that's when I found out one hadn't been ordered yet and the only reason it's an issue is because I'm now at the deadline for ordering the dress... I don't mind helping her - but that money could be used towards other things such as Christmas gifts (we're skipping this year to pay for the wedding)... I could also use it to buy a nicer wedding band for FI - I know I  can not help her with travel expenses... I just don't want the money to go to waste.  The issue is more or less if she doesn't have money for the dress how will she have money to travel?  If it were you would you give the money if you were unsure that she would show up and then just be out the money?  I'm working 14 hour days to pay for this wedding - not all of us have large budgets to work with.
    Posted by cyn1812000[/QUOTE]
    Who here said they had a large budget to work with?  Financial "woe-is-me"s don't go over well on these boards because everyone's in the same boat.<div>
    </div><div>This is all stuff that's out of your control.  Let her buy a dress that coordinates w/ the other BMs--that's how you can help with this.  They don't have to wear the same dress and to insist she buy THE dress implies that an outfit is worth more than your friendship.  </div><div>
    </div><div>It's up to her to figure out the travel.  But you need to stop getting consumed in "what ifs" because, guess what, some of them will come to pass at your wedding.  It happens at every wedding.  All you can do is respond to them when and if they happen.  But sitting here saying, "I'm not helping her because I don't even know if she'll show up" is really judgmental of your friend.  She's having financial problems and trying to make your wedding work, and it's very hard to say that to a friend.  Do your part and let her buy a dress in her price range.  The travel is up to her and you need to trust her to make it.</div>
    Courtesy of megk8oz
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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  • kimp67kimp67 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think in that situation I would pay for the dress & forget about it.  If she comes, great the dress will be ready.  If she doesn't make it, yes you've wasted money that could've been spent elsewhere, but it's worth the chance if it would help your friend.
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  • cyn1812000cyn1812000 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you Kimp - that's the type of advice I was looking for - it's not necessarily about the dress - it's about deciding to help when everyone is in same boat.  Thank you again.

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