Need some advice about Bridesmaid drama...

kristinmc8

Ok...one of my four bridesmaids has already started causing drama and trouble and we are still 11 months away from the wedding. I realize now I most likely asked her to be a bridesmaid a little too early, but oh well.

Last week my parents surprised me with wedding dress shopping and invited two bridesmaids who I have been friends with since middle school. When the other bridesmaid found out I had gone and picked out a dress without her she got very snappy and rude and now is not speaking to me after I have apologized numerous time. (My mom also sent her a message apologizing which she did respond to, but her response was very short and not very nice). I haven't even picked out bridesmaids dresses yet (thank goodness) but now I am unsure of how to handle the situation.

Do I wait and see if she contacts me since she has ignored numerous texts attempting to apologize? Or do I continue to apologize until she responds? I never would have thought something as simple as wedding dress shopping would have turned into this big of a dilemma, and I dread what other type of drama she may cause until we get married. At this point I am not sure I even want someone who would act like that over this simple situation to be in my wedding...What would you do???

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f55567e4-845e-4e41-8e72-3473d21e956bPost:1fc665ac-9f37-4f6a-a920-e3cca8cd1e54">Need some advice about Bridesmaid drama...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok...one of my four bridesmaids has already started causing drama and trouble and we are still 11 months away from the wedding. I realize now I most likely asked her to be a bridesmaid a little too early, but oh well. Last week my parents surprised me with wedding dress shopping and invited two bridesmaids who I have been friends with since middle school. When the other bridesmaid found out I had gone and picked out a dress without her she got very snappy and rude and now is not speaking to me after I have apologized numerous time. (My mom also sent her a message apologizing which she did respond to, but her response was very short and not very nice). I haven't even picked out bridesmaids dresses yet (thank goodness) but now I am unsure of how to handle the situation. Do I wait and see if she contacts me since she has ignored numerous texts attempting to apologize? Or do I continue to apologize until she responds? I never would have thought something as simple as wedding dress shopping would have turned into this big of a dilemma, and I dread what other type of drama she may cause until we get married. At this point I am not sure I even want someone who would act like that over this simple situation to be in my wedding...What would you do???
Posted by kristinmc8[/QUOTE]

Ignore her.  You already apologized, and I wouldn't have apologized more than once for something so stupid to be mad about.  None of my BMs came with my mom and I dress shopping, just my MOH who is my aunt and my Nana.  None of them expected to go, and I wouldn't really have wanted them to.

Stop apologizing and stop trying to contact her about wedding related things.  In a few more months when its time to look at dresses you can text or email her saying when and where you want to go, but you really don't need to have any more wedding talk with her before that.

sister2groom

Call her to apologize, texts aren't a good idea. If she doesn't respond to calls, then you can wait for her to get over her hurt enough to call you back.

I also think it wasn't the BM who started the drama, your mom and you should have realized cutting out one bridesmaid (unless all the other ones are your sisters so it ends up just being a family outing) can be very hurtful. Yes, she probably is overdramatizing how much she was hurt, but she didn't start it.

ravensbride49

Let her cool off for a bit. You have apologized. Your mom has apologized. Sometimes it is difficult to accept an apology and move on when you've acted like an ass.

Also, as someone who can relate to her, I can tell you it might be a  help for you to understand the motivation behind said ass-acting. I was in a wedding wherein I really wanted to help the bride in any way I could and was uber-psyched for her-- I cherish her friendship. However, out of four BMs, two were particularly close to her, more so than I or her FSIL (other BM) are with her. I didn't want to butt in or make a fuss about it, but it was hurtful sometimes when she seemed to want to do things specifically with those two BMs and not with me. Granted, I didn't throw a fit like a two-year-old, but there was definitely some angst on my part over the fact that I felt like a second-class bridesmaid. For future reference, it may bode well for you to keep that in mind (I'm just guessing here as to her motivation, btw)-- if she wants to be involved and isn't, especially if you are involving others in your WP, it may hurt her feelings unintentionally.

kristinmc8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f55567e4-845e-4e41-8e72-3473d21e956bPost:c07f6d9f-4f47-4e7f-9a7a-60dec8c76b9b">Re: Need some advice about Bridesmaid drama...</a>:
[QUOTE]Call her to apologize, texts aren't a good idea. If she doesn't respond to calls, then you can wait for her to get over her hurt enough to call you back. I also think it wasn't the BM who started the drama, your mom and you should have realized cutting out one bridesmaid (unless all the other ones are your sisters so it ends up just being a family outing) can be very hurtful. Yes, she probably is overdramatizing how much she was hurt, but she didn't start it.
Posted by sister2groom[/QUOTE]

I have called her twice and left voicemails and texted her probably five time trying to explain that I thought she had to work that day and I wasn't even the one who planned it since it was a surprise. She has ignored me. Which I think is taking it a little too far.

The other two are not my sisters, but I have been friends with them since we were 10 years old (about 13 years), and I have only been friends with her for about two years (which I only asked her to be a bridesmaid because I didn't want her to feel left out/get her feelings hurt, which I now realize I should not have done). I just don't want any more stress to be added to this whole process because if it was the other way around I would not be acting this way...

Cynthia1207

I think you did more than your share of the bargain.  At this point either ignore her or tell her straight up to grow up.  That's really all you can do.  If she still acts like a 3 year old child that's her problem.

ravensbride49

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f55567e4-845e-4e41-8e72-3473d21e956bPost:66e1c4f8-6ce3-43bf-8e74-983b2a6fa724">Re: Need some advice about Bridesmaid drama...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need some advice about Bridesmaid drama... : I have called her twice and left voicemails and texted her probably five time trying to explain that I thought she had to work that day and I wasn't even the one who planned it since it was a surprise. She has ignored me. Which I think is taking it a little too far.

<strong>The other two are not my sisters, but I have been friends with them since we were 10 years old (about 13 years), and I have only been friends with her for about two years</strong> (which I only asked her to be a bridesmaid because I didn't want her to feel left out/get her feelings hurt, which I now realize I should not have done). I just don't want any more stress to be added to this whole process because<strong> if it was the other way around I would not be acting this way...</strong>
Posted by kristinmc8[/QUOTE]

First, it shouldn't matter if you have been friends with these ladies for ten minutes or ten years. The point is that you asked them to stand up with you at your wedding, because you value the role they have played in your life. Yes, you are obviously suffering the effects of asking someone to be a BM for the wrong reasons, but still, the point is that you call her a friend and therefore, should treat her like one. I'll reiterate-- it is hurtful when you play favorites within your bridal party. These women are (hopefully) excited for you, want to be there for you, and are going to be dishing out some significant chunks of change (usually) for dresses, parties, gifts, lodging, etc.  Treat them all with (equal) respect.

Secondly, are you truly putting yourself in her shoes before jumping to the conclusion that you wouldn't act the same? Obviously she's being childish, but are you grasping the likely motivation behind her fit-pitching?  Obviously she's in the wrong for acting like a two-year-old and pitching a fit over hurt feelings or because she didn't get her way (and like I said previously, when you act like an ass, sometimes it's difficult to admit it or accept someone's apology when you really need to be apologizing, too). But, if you are going to rank your friends according to how long you've known them, then you've got some classic signs of middle school mean-girl behavior showing, yourself. Try to put yourself in her shoes in the future. Next time you have a wedding outting planned that includes your wedding party, make sure to extend her an invite. And, for now, like everyone's said, you've done more than enough. Now let her lick her wounds and see if she comes around.

tenofcups4me

I think she's ridiculously over-reacting. I can see feeling slightly hurt for about a minute, but to completely ignore phone calls and texts apologizing is way out of line on her part. I guess I'd drop it for now and see how the friendship goes. Assuming she'll get past this at some point, you can move forward. I guess if she never responds to you again, you'll know she doesn't want to be involved anymore. But I'd stop apologizing and probably give it a few weeks before contacting her again about anything. And at least now you know she's kind of a nut.

2012JulyBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f55567e4-845e-4e41-8e72-3473d21e956bPost:1fc665ac-9f37-4f6a-a920-e3cca8cd1e54">Need some advice about Bridesmaid drama...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok...<strong>one of my four bridesmaids</strong> has already started causing drama and trouble and we are still 11 months away from the wedding. I realize now I most likely asked her to be a bridesmaid a little too early, but oh well. Last week <strong>my parents surprised me with wedding dress shopping</strong> and invited two bridesmaids who I have been friends with since middle school. When the other bridesmaid found out I had gone and picked out a dress without her she got very snappy and rude and now is not speaking to me after I have apologized numerous time. (My mom also sent her a message apologizing which she did respond to, but her response was very short and not very nice). I haven't even picked out bridesmaids dresses yet (thank goodness) but now I am unsure of how to handle the situation. Do I wait and see if she contacts me since she has ignored numerous texts attempting to apologize? Or do I continue to apologize until she responds? I never would have thought something as simple as wedding dress shopping would have turned into this big of a dilemma, and I dread what other type of drama she may cause until we get married. At this point I am not sure I even want someone who would act like that over this simple situation to be in my wedding...What would you do???
Posted by kristinmc8[/QUOTE]

4 bridesmaids - 2 of them middle school friends - 1 hurt bridesmaid = 1 unaccounted for.

To me this says that it wasn't JUST her who was left out. My other issue with the way she is acting is that you said your parents <u>surprised</u> you with dress shopping and invited the other two. Maybe I'm wrong about how that all came about, but to me it sounds like you weren't in control of the situation. Yeah, you didn't call her when you found out about it but did you call the other unaccounted for bridesmaid? Where was she during all of this? I know the dress shopping is for you but your parents put this together. Maybe they didn't have a way to contact other bridesmaids or felt it was appropriate to invite only the two along that they have known for a while? I can understand feeling hurt and left out but I feel as though she's acting WAY too childish and there really shouldn't be any anger towards you! Just let her cool off and then see how things go in a few months. If you do any more group activities, I would invite her along just so she knows that you do care, but leave it up to her on whether or not to respond or join you.

I was the only bridesmaid who went dress shopping with my friend (and her mom), and I wasn't even invited every time they went out, even though she knew I was available. No hard feelings. I was the one who tried on the bridesmaids dresses for her to choose from.  None of the other 3 bridesmaids cared, and they knew I was there doing this with her because she e-mailed them pics of me in the dress.

kristinmc8

Thank you everyone for the advice! I think I am just going to wait and see if I hear from her, because I feel like I have attempted to make contact enough. Just to  clarify though, she wasn't the only one left out, another bridesmaid (wife of best man) was at work as well and my mom had no way to get in touch with her either. My parents did plan it as a surprise, which is why I was unable to contact either of them about going with us. I certainly don't rank my friends on how long I have known them, I was just clarifying that those two are truly my BEST friends and the ones my parents have been closest to throughout my life as well, which is why my mom had their phone numbers and not the others.

Thanks again everyone!! I really appreciate the extra input

Cristine2011

Good idea to let her cool down a bit. I think her actions were immature but I can see why she was upset. My friend was in a wedding last year and got left out of a lot of the planning and she was hurt by it too. You should make sure that your parents have contact info for all of your bridal party for the future.