Absentee MOB & out-of-town b-maids

flyingatoms

Hello everyone,

My best childhood friend is getting married this summer. We live in NY, her mom is in another state as are all the other bridesmaids and even the MOH. This site has already helped me to know how to be a good/better bridesmaid because I'm clueless with that stuff. The thing I have issue with is I need to be the BEST possible bridesmaid for my friend because everyone else is out of state, she's doing a lot of stuff on her own and it is very stressful on her, and to make matters worse her parents aren't involved at all and when her mom is, she makes things more stressful by her lack of interest and involvement. Thankfully the mother of the groom is wonderful and has helped a lot.

My questions are (and I hope you can help!): is there anything I should know that isn't "obvious" as far as taking a lot of weight off the bride's shoulders since no one else is generally "around" till the wedding day? I've already asked her about specific duties (so thankful for the tips on this site!) that normally her mom and/or other bridesmaids would be handling prior to the wedding. I've asked about baskets for out of town guests, invitation stuffing, taking care of her dress while she's on honeymoon, watching her place/cat while they're away... Am I missing anything?

Also, since her mom is totally making things difficult for her I want to be as helpful and sensitive as possible while doing things her mom should be doing. But I am not familiar with the duties a mother would normally take on. Any suggestions here?

One more thing - since the mother of the groom has been so helpful to my friend the bride, how can I show my appreciation toward her for that?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and thanks in advance for your responses!

- Concerned BFF

Kate61487

it sounds like you're being SO helpful already.  You have zero duties outside of buying the dress and showing up sober the day of, you're going above and beyond.  Likewise there aren't actually any MOB 'duties'.  It's really sweet of you to want to help so much, and I'm sure the bride appreciates it, but aside from letting her know that you're there if she needs anything you might want to just cool it; or you're going to end up even more stressed than the bride.

Remember, The Knot is a website paid for and designed by people trying to sell you things.  It's a part of the wedding industry that tries to convince you that your wedding won't be valid without OOT guest baskets and monogrammed cocktail napkins.  Don't take their BM 'duties' seriously AT ALL.  The boards you can trust, anything else not so much.

Let her know you're available if she needs help stuffing invites or tying ribbons (IF you actually want to help with that).  Offer to throw a bridal shower or bachelorette if you can afford to and want to (again, IF.  it is NOT mandatory).  If she's talking to you about how stressed she is between designing the invitations and making centerpieces you can offer to take one of those items off her plate IF you want to.  You see where I'm going here?  Let her tell you what she'd like help with and only do what you're comfortable doing. 

Also, it's not your job to thank the MOG.  The bride will thank her for her help.  If you see her in person (at a shower or dress fitting) you can mention how sweet and helpful she's been, but it's really not your place....

graysquirrel

100% agree with Kate. It is very very kind of you to want to help her out. But all of the stuff the wedding industry tells you about stuffing envelopes and tying ribbons out of duty is erroneous. The only "duty" of a BM is to show up on time wearing the dress and ready to go. Anything else is a gift that you give her. Being a BM is supposed to be an honor, not a job. It does not come with a sheet of things you need to accomplish. If you want to help your friend, then that is wonderful, but please don't feel like you are obligated to do any of the things that you listed.

And honestly, the bride did willingly take on all of the things that she needs to get accomplished. She should be able to do what she needs to plan her own wedding. If she can't, then she should hire a coordinator or ask her FI for help.

Grits8812

I deffinatly agree with PP's. You are already doing more than is "required" of you.  It sounds like you have things pretty covered.  If she is talking about needing to get things done, and it is stressing her out, offer to help if you can.  You are already being an excellent friend.  As for the MOG, sometimes a simple "thank you for all your help, it is very appreciated" is the best way to go.  

thousandtrees

I think that one of the best things you can do is just be available to chat - two of my three BMs are out of town (one is out of the country), but they're always interested in things I come across or details I've been pondering. They have been amazing as sounding boards. Sounds like since your friend's mom isn't all that interested, probably the best thing you can do is exactly what you're doing  - being really excited for her! 

But also if you notice her really struggling with or worrying about something, don't hesitate to just say "hey, anything I can do to help?". It sounds like you're doing a pretty awesome job already.