MOB feeling left out

mcahill1

Hi,

I am the bride and decided to have my wedding in my fiance's hometown in northern Indiana, instead of my home town near St. Louis. I made this decision because my fiance and I live in northern Indiana, so I thought it'd be easier to plan and because the majority of our friends/family live closer to norther Indiana.

I JUST made this decision and my Mom is already very worried that my fiance's mom will get to take on all the roles that the MOB is "supposed" to do.

How can I help her feel included despite the distance?

Thanks!

tldh

My mom is in Cincinnati and wasn't around to help me.  Try talking to her as much as you can about your plans.  Let her know if there are any venues with websites that you are looking at.

I went home to go dress shopping with only my mom.  I didn't expect to find the dress but we did and a few days later we went back out with SIL and some friends of mine to pick out SIL's MOH dress and mom's MOB dress.  We all went to lunch afterwards.

If you have any favors that need to be made, this is something you can ask your mom to help you figure out and help you make.

I would also keep the FMIL talk to a minimum when it comes to the wedding talk with mom.  DH's family is in California (and he lost his mom 10 years ago) so I didn't have to deal with this.

AutumnFair

Ditto to tldh's advice. 

lisaandcorey

Perhaps you should find out exactly what your mother thinks she is "supposed" to do.  If you and your fiance are paying for your own wedding, you might want to make all of the major decisions and then accept help with the smaller details from those who have expressed an interest in doing so. 

My fiance and II have been planning for a while and we have saved ourselves major headaches by taking care of the major things and not asking for the opinions of others.  The more people you have telling you what to do, the less fun this process will be.

For further clarification, you might want to consult the Emily Post etiquette websites.  I have found Emily Post most helpful over the last few months.  http://www.emilypost.com/families

Remember, this is your and your fiance's wedding.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-feeling-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f7d1eca6-3d98-4014-97fd-1fc30faeaf14Post:20129160-5315-4b2e-9397-eec0f82a0228">Re: MOB feeling left out</a>:
[QUOTE]Perhaps you should find out exactly what your mother thinks she is "supposed" to do.  If you and your fiance are paying for your own wedding, you might want to make all of the major decisions and then accept help with the smaller details from those who have expressed an interest in doing so.  My fiance and II have been planning for a while and we have saved ourselves major headaches by taking care of the major things and not asking for the opinions of others.  The more people you have telling you what to do, the less fun this process will be.<strong> For further clarification, you might want to consult the Emily Post etiquette websites.  I have found Emily Post most helpful over the last few months.</strong>  <a href="http://www.emilypost.com/families" rel="nofollow">http://www.emilypost.com/families</a> Remember, this is your and your fiance's wedding.
Posted by lisaandcorey[/QUOTE]

Emily Post is hopelessly outdated with her advice.

bellaxanthe

I was in a similar boat and you are going to have to lay it out there for both mom's. I've had to deal with a lot of hurt feelings in trying to keep both sets happy TBH.  Find out what you mom wants to know about. Then try and plan a few visits for her to be in town with you. I made sure my mom was there when I narrowed down my venues. I went dress shopping with her and my sisters, even though I know that my MIL wanted to be there too. My MIL did the tasting even though mom is paying the majority of the wedding. You are going to probably split things up, but try and make an effort to keep your mom in the loop first.

Good luck

soontobeharalson

my mom is in the same city as me and she's still worried that my fiances mom is going to get to do things, even though she's outta state. (I have a good relatonship with future in laws). So what I've done is my mom went with me to get my dress and only my mom, only she gets to see it. Then I got us matching bracelets to wear on the weddign day. I am using things from her wedding like her old ring bearer pillow to wrap my bouquet, and other pieces from my parents weddign day. I am making sure I always call her and ask her about something first before my sisters, bridemaids and future in laws. I have made sure that she's the one that goes to appointments (fiance would rather die the go check out venues), and even booked us a few bridal expos to go to. I also made her a mother of the bride tank with rhinestones. I am trying in every way to make sure that she feels special too. So any request that she has I accomodate to (except for 1, she wanted a song I couldnt stand played) and remember that I am her baby so, this is the last wedding. Its a big day for thewhole family.

jurav

My mom is across the country so I've also been dealing with some amount of her feeling left out. No one else has stepped into what she considers her role, but she definitely misses being more involved. She couldn't go dress shopping with me or help pick the bridesmaid dresses or any of those things. I've tried to talk to her on the phone and tell her about what I'm working on, so she has a chance to give her opinion. She's sent me ideas and even overnighted me a dress she found that she thought I might like for the rehearsal dinner. (Turns out I don't, but I really appreciated the thought!).

Honestly she's felt overbearing sometimes because she so wants to be involved, but I know it's because she feels left out so I'm trying to find the balance between taking her ideas and maintaining my own sense of what I want for things. I've considered giving her a project of something she can do - the welcome bags for all the guests. That way she can have something specific that she's contributing, and I get one less to-do!

My overall advice would be to let your mom know that you appreciate her wanting to help and how she can be involved. Email and photos are a wonderful thing! Good luck!

wishulthinking

My mom lives about 8 hours from me and it was tough at first because I really value my Mom's opinion and ideas and I felt like I couldn't show her what I was thinking or liking. But, we've started using Gmail and Google Docs and it works out really really well. I can upload photos of venues, a spreadsheet of the guest list (that we can edit in real time with each other on the phone) and we're able to email anytime we think of something. So, even if I'm at work or she's in a meeting we can answer each other later. She came to visit me and we picked out my dress together and I'm going to visit her and my grandmother to help pick out dresses for them.
Just keep the lines of communication open and even though she can't be around in person she can definitely help and when everything comes together the day of she'll see the touches she helped you put together!

Kate61487

I think communication on this is key, as most PPs have said.  My mom's only about an hr away, but still - we both have full time jobs and weekend commitments, so I only actually see her once a month or less.  I call my mom almost daily, and it's not just about wedding stuff we talk through the minutia of the day and other things too.  She's generally my sounding board on all things wedding (what should we wear for our engagement photos? what do you think of THIS as a favor... yatta yatta).  I also email her pictures of things I find online, etc.  I think she feels plenty included.  I, however, am struggling on how to keep FMIL involved.  We have a pretty good relationship, but don't really talk on the phone.  I was kind of counting on FI to keep her up to date but apparently he doesn't really understand what sorts of details are interesting....

pisci1kn

My Mom is currently living an hour and half a way from me, and my FMIL lives about a mile.  To keep my mom involved (even though my FI and I are doing all the planning ourselves) I have told her what our options were and what we decided.  We also went dress shopping together a few times.  I actually found the dress when I was with my older sister, but there was no way I was going to buy it without my mom seeing it; but she loved it!  I have also been emailing her pictures of the wedding party's accessories to help me decide which would look best.  We had both sides of parents join us for our tasting to help pick the menu though.  My mom pretty much planned my older sister's wedding (not by choice) and hardly had any involvement with my younger sister's wedding; so she said this has worked out really well because she has been able to be involved without having to do a ton of work.

I liked the suggetion above about asking your mom what she thinks she is suppose to be doing, that way you can include her in those activities!  Good Luck!

kaseyc1988

Well at least be thankful that your mother and your future husband's mother want to be part of your wedding.  I invited my mother to help me pick out a wedding dress and she declined! Then after she told me I should go to a second hand store to get my "dream" dress. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with planning and dress shopping without the MOB coming and joining in with me.