Moms and Maids

I don't want my mother involved with my wedding.

I just kind of want a place to vent, and here seems to be the only place. 

1. My mother kicked me out of the house during highschool, and left me to fend for myself. 
2. When I was living with her, if I back talked she would throw me into mental hospitals. And when she physcially hit me and I would try to get away, she'd have me arrested for domestic battery. 
3. Every since I was in 4th grade she has non stop emotionally abused me. 
4. Now that she heard I am getting married, she somehow wants to be a part of this. 

All when I was little my mom basically made me think that if someone gives you money, they love you. If not, then they don't. I can't recall how many times she called me a b&%$&, a s&%*, etcetcetc. And when I look back now that I am older, even I don't see what I did wrong. I was always the black sheep with my mother. And it didn't help that she has a gambling addiction, a narcotic addiction, and she's extremely bipolar. My brother is also bipolar, and I believe that is why they get along. 

Now that my mom knows I am getting married, she wants to be a part of everything. And I understand she is the only mother I will ever have. I don't need to hear that. For some reason I can't forgive her,e specially because never once has she said sorry. 

My dress was picked out without her, so were my bridesmaid dresses. The venue was piked without her, the invitations. Everyhting. (and no, she isn't contributing financially to the wedding.) 

My brother has told me that if I don't call her when she says to, she won't come to my wedding. And on top of it (this is the last straw for me) she is wearing a bright gold pleather dress to my wedding. 

From ehre on out I REALLY dont want her involved at all. I just give up!

Re: I don't want my mother involved with my wedding.

  • edited December 2011
    Well I don't see why you have to involve your mother in the wedding planning if you don't want to, especially considering your past history and the fact that she isn't contributing financially to the wedding.

    What kind of relationship do you have with her now, as an adult? Do you see each other or speak to each other often? Do you have a somewhat civil relationship now? If your relationship has improved maybe involving her in the planning can bring you closer together, if that's what you want. Though to be perfectly honest, your comments about her choice of attire for your wedding and the fact that if you don't call her when she wants she refuses to attend the wedding, the planning will probably cause you less stress and drama if you don't involve her.
  • edited December 2011

    what is your relationship like with her currently?  do you talk frequently?  how close are you?

    does she still mentally/physically abuse you or any family members?

    it sounds like you harbor a lot of feelings from your youth and childhood, which given what you were put through, is very understandable.  i would suggest talking to a therapist over the situation.  without a thorough history, it's really hard for me to offer sound advice.

    ultimately, if you don't want her there, it is your decision.  just be mindful of the potential ramifications.  likely, it will be the end of your relationship with her and put the relationship with your brother on the rocks.

    i'm sorry for your position, and i'm deeply sorry for what you've had to go through in life.  best of luck to you!

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  • tidetraveltidetravel member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dont-want-mother-involved-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f91023ea-75c0-4b85-a99d-15d06bc46bb1Post:c1abd120-ddce-49ed-8f48-869379ae83cc">I don't want my mother involved with my wedding.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just kind of want a place to vent, and here seems to be the only place.  1. My mother kicked me out of the house during highschool, and left me to fend for myself.  2. When I was living with her, if I back talked she would throw me into mental hospitals. And when she physcially hit me and I would try to get away, she'd have me arrested for domestic battery.  3. Every since I was in 4th grade she has non stop emotionally abused me.  4. Now that she heard I am getting married, she somehow wants to be a part of this.  All when I was little my mom basically made me think that if someone gives you money, they love you. If not, then they don't. I can't recall how many times she called me a b&%$&, a s&%*, etcetcetc. And when I look back now that I am older, even I don't see what I did wrong. I was always the black sheep with my mother. And it didn't help that she has a gambling addiction, a narcotic addiction, and she's extremely bipolar. My brother is also bipolar, and I believe that is why they get along.  Now that my mom knows I am getting married, she wants to be a part of everything. And I understand she is the only mother I will ever have. I don't need to hear that. For some reason I can't forgive her,e specially because never once has she said sorry.  My dress was picked out without her, so were my bridesmaid dresses. The venue was piked without her, the invitations. Everyhting. (and no, she isn't contributing financially to the wedding.)  <strong>My brother has told me that if I don't call her when she says to, she won't come to my wedding.</strong>And on top of it (this is the last straw for me) she is wearing a bright gold pleather dress to my wedding.  From ehre on out I REALLY dont want her involved at all. I just give up!
    Posted by 9934291[/QUOTE]
    Doesn't sound like you'll be losing much.  Honestly, I have little respect for parents that pull the "If you don't do this then I'm not coming..." card.  Tell her, "Oh well, you'll be missed!" and then move on with your life.  Don't talk to her about the wedding, don't involve her.  Send her an invitation when the time comes.

    As for the gold pleather, I'd laugh my ass all the way to the altar.
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  • edited December 2011

    I don't believe that parents are automatically given a right to be involved in their adult children's major life events merely because they gave birth to them. It sounds like your mother did everything she could to make your life more difficult, and now that you are in a better place emotionally, she wants to come back in.

    Do you even want her at the wedding? If not, don't feel like you have to invite her. You should surround yourself with the people who have supported you all along.

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry that you had such a terrible childhood.
    You are an adult now, and shouldn't let your mom manipulate you. You don't have to involve her in your wedding plans. If you want to invite her, send her the invitation. If your brother tells you that mom is threatening not to show, just tell him it's her choice. Don't participate in their drama.
    Good luck.
                       
  • anna.oskaranna.oskar member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dont-want-mother-involved-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f91023ea-75c0-4b85-a99d-15d06bc46bb1Post:1e455556-03de-40a2-a3d7-5f420f145765">Re: I don't want my mother involved with my wedding.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to I don't want my mother involved with my wedding. : Doesn't sound like you'll be losing much.  Honestly, I have little respect for parents that pull the "If you don't do this then I'm not coming..." card.  Tell her, "Oh well, you'll be missed!" and then move on with your life.  Don't talk to her about the wedding, don't involve her.  Send her an invitation when the time comes.

    As for the gold pleather, I'd laugh my ass all the way to the altar.
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

    i agree with every single word Tide said here.  Especially about her outfit.
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Sorry you have such a disfunctional family!  We all have elements of our families that are difficult, some more so than others.

    You certainly don't have to include or even invite her to your wedding.  In fact, if you don't want a relationship with her in general, I would completely understand.  My grandmother has been awful, but nothing even remotely as bad as what you say here, and I still choose not to have much of a relationship with her (and then only for my Mom's sake do I still keep in touch with her even a little).

    Do what feels right for you.  Don't bend to pressure to include her if you don't.

    That said, I highly recommend counseling if you're not already in it to help deal with the impact that upbringing has had on you and your view on the world and relationships.  It can really help you get some sense of closure on the whole thing!  Good luck!

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  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011

    I'm so sorry that you have had such a hard time with your mom, and I can perfectly understand that you don't want her involved. My advice is to keep on making your own decisions and to not take any money from her. Usually people who pay get to make choices, so if she has no financial influence, she has no right to be involved.


    As for the invitations-- do you want her there? If you do, then I guess you get what she wears. If not, then that is totally your prerogrative However, I'd make sure that it is really what you want to do & can live with that for your whole life. Good luck!

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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, I have a pretty good relationship with my mother, and she wasn't involved with much of the wedding plans.  It's not required for her to have any sort of large role.
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  • edited December 2011
    Fair enough. I didn't involve my mom much either, we don't live in the same city so it wasn't practical.

    Leave her out!
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you all so much for the advice! I have seeked out counseling, I did as soon as my fiance and I got engaged, and it has worked! However, there's only so much healing you can do in so much time. As for the wedding invites, I think I will end up invitin her, and I will try to dismiss the pleather dress. I think it's only irking me because of everyhting else. You know, the needle on the haystack type thing? :Undecided BUt thank you so much for the advice again! SOmetimes it's just nice hearing from other brides about what they think! 
  • edited December 2011

    Hey, OP, sounds like it's been tough.  Now is a good time to draw boundaries about what you will and will not accept from your mother.  Don't worry about her outfit, it's whatever.  However, don't let her manipulate you with threats not to attend your wedding.  Don't share details of plans with her, as that will allow her an "in" for control over the situation.  Sounds like that's what she wants.

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dont-want-mother-involved-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f91023ea-75c0-4b85-a99d-15d06bc46bb1Post:f6d8b20c-1d18-4519-b63b-657713dfb49b">Re: I don't want my mother involved with my wedding.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey, OP, sounds like it's been tough.  Now is a good time to draw boundaries about what you will and will not accept from your mother.  Don't worry about her outfit, it's whatever.  However, don't let her manipulate you with threats not to attend your wedding.  Don't share details of plans with her, as that will allow her an "in" for control over the situation.  Sounds like that's what she wants.
    Posted by deepcovejackie[/QUOTE]
    Cosigned.
  • edited December 2011
    I can sympathize with you.  I am also the black sheep in the family and instead of making herself available and asking what she can do to help, she sits back and waits for me to ask her to help.  My brother and sister arent involved in any wedding plans.  My parents actually said if my brother wasnt invited they wouldnt come.  That was a possibility at one point.  But they are all invited, whoever comes, great, if not, oh well.
    I dont have a close relationship with my mother, she wasnt there for the dress or bridesmaid dresses or venue or anything.  My parents are contributing financially, but she is famous for playing the "victim" and I hate that.  why do I have to beg you to be part of my day. Ugh.  I guess all I can say is I am about to marry my best friend and gain wonderful in laws and a sister and brother-in-law and should appreciate that.
    But its hard sometimes, esp when FI has such wonderful family.
    I would invite her, and then the ball is in her court - she can choose to come or not.  And she will live with her decision not to watch her daughter get married.
    Good luck!
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