Asking Bridesmaid Advice

lelinde13

I need some advice as to choosing bridesmaids.  Right now, there are four girls I want to ask.  One is my sister, one is my college roommate, and one is a girl I've been friends with for over half my life.  They have already accepted, no problem here. 

The question is with the fourth girl I want to ask, who is one of my best friends who I met in grad school.  We have both since moved on to different PhD programs, which is good for both of us that we found a place that fit.  However,  she now lives in Seattle, while I live in the MIdwest and will be getting married in Wisconsin.

The biggest obstacle I see is the distance and the cost.  While I'm not going to pick a dress that costs a lot of money (the opposite, in fact), it is a factor.  Since she'll have to pay to fly out already (unlike the other girls who live in the area), that's already a large expense on a graduate school budget.  And she won't be able to take part in a lot of the fun parts of the experience, namely the bachelorette party and picking out dresses, because I know she won't have the time or the money to fly out twice.

Part of me really wants to ask her and just be very clear that I don't care if she says no.  The other part of me doesn't want to ask at all, and just tell her that I didn't want her to feel pressured into saying yes when it would probably be a hardship.  I'm just really at a loss to the best course of action.

Would it be a decent idea to not ask her, but invite her to come and get ready with the rest of us girls, so I still get to have her there with me the whole day but she doesn't have to worry about extra expenses?

Any thoughts would be helpful because I need to make the decision soon, and I really want to do this without making anyone upset or offending.  Becuase as I said, she's one of my best friends.

LoveMuffins

Wow... that's a tough one. I think that you have a great attitude about recognizing the difficulties... you seem to really want her to be  BM so I would go ahead, call her up, and say something like, "I have something to ask you, but I know that it's potentially a huge hassle so I want to pre-empt this by saying that I'm not going to be offended if you say no and that you don't have to answer right away if you want to take time to think about it... " and then ask her.  It sounds like she's really important to you and that you'd love to have her standing up there, so I'm going to guess that you probably mean just as much to her. Even if she ends up having to say no, I bet she'll be honored and thrilled to be asked.

aerinpegadrak

If you want her in the wedding, ask her.  Don't make a big deal about it being okay if she says no, because then it sounds like you want her to say no.  You can tell her that you don't need an answer right away if she seems to want time to think it over, but it's not a subpoena and I'm sure she's perfectly capable of telling you if she doesn't think she can afford it.

I think you're being kind of silly about the "fun part of the experience," though.  Nearly all of my attendants were long distance, so they picked their own dresses and there wasn't a bachelorette party or shower.  I don't think any of them were unwilling to be in the wedding just because that stuff didn't happen.

frogurt814

The decision is up to her if she thinks she will have the time/money to fly to your wedding.  As for the dress, you need to speak with each BM individually about their budget then you need to select a dress that falls in line with the lowest dollar amount given to you by your BMs.

I think you should ask your friend. 

SirJuliusVonHaast

I think you should ask her (and not act like you're fishing for her to say no). She can decline if she doesn't want to do it. You could offer to pay for her dress, if you have the money, if you want one that's more expensive than what she can afford. 

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asking-bridesmaid-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:fa358c72-7ef7-4fde-97f6-d3e920b85b5dPost:3e362026-5dbb-498c-be4c-e2fb11badd51">Asking Bridesmaid Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I need some advice as to choosing bridesmaids.  Right now, there are four girls I want to ask.  One is my sister, one is my college roommate, and one is a girl I've been friends with for over half my life.  They have already accepted, no problem here.  The question is with the fourth girl I want to ask, who is one of my best friends who I met in grad school.  We have both since moved on to different PhD programs, which is good for both of us that we found a place that fit.  However,  she now lives in Seattle, while I live in the MIdwest and will be getting married in Wisconsin. The biggest obstacle I see is the distance and the cost.  While I'm not going to pick a dress that costs a lot of money (the opposite, in fact), it is a factor.  Since she'll have to pay to fly out already (unlike the other girls who live in the area), that's already a large expense on a graduate school budget.  And she won't be able to take part in a lot of the fun parts of the experience, namely the bachelorette party and picking out dresses, because I know she won't have the time or the money to fly out twice. Part of me really wants to ask her and just be very clear that I don't care if she says no.  The other part of me doesn't want to ask at all, and just tell her that I didn't want her to feel pressured into saying yes when it would probably be a hardship.  I'm just really at a loss to the best course of action. Would it be a decent idea to not ask her, but invite her to come and get ready with the rest of us girls, so I still get to have her there with me the whole day but she doesn't have to worry about extra expenses? Any thoughts would be helpful because I need to make the decision soon, and I really want to do this without making anyone upset or offending.  Becuase as I said, she's one of my best friends.
Posted by lelinde13[/QUOTE]

I don't know about you but to me if you are really close to her distance should not be a factor. It will be up to her to decide if she wants to pay a decent amount to partake.

Basically, if she is a really close friend ask her. Then ask her what her budget is for her BM dress, and just tell her that everything is optional for her to come and that you would love to just have her by your side the day of your wedding. If you just respect her budget range for the BM and just expect her to be there for the wedding day then you won't have hardly any problems. It will be up to her to see if she can afford to come to the wedding and get the dress, if you ask her and tell her that she has a few weeks to mull it over then you will know.

sprtychick10

I would ask her, regardless of the distance. Kudos to you for being aware of her budget and time restrictions. You never know, she may jump at the chance to be a BM for you. Even if she can't participate at showers and bachelorette parties, if she can stand beside you on your special day, that is all that matters. 

jcamm11

I would ask her.  I think it's okay for you to say upfront that you are aware of the logistics for her and won't read more into the situation if she says no, but you'd really like it if she were a bridesmaid.  If she says yes, don't ask her 20 times if she's sure and reassure her further she can say no - just tell her how excited you are she accepted.

mrabbito

i have been a long distance, grad student MOH.  and now that i am a bride, i have a long distance, grad school BM.  its not ideal, but being there the day of is all that really matters.  you never know, she maybe willing and able to save up to come to a pre-wedding party.  but i appreciate that you're understanding if she can't.  i let my long distance BM know that all i expect from her is to be there the day of and take my occasional irrational wedding phone call, anything else would be a bonus, but by no means is required!

if you can't imagine your day of without her, just ask her and the rest will work itself out. 

Soon2BeMrsTing

When my MOH asked me to be a BM, we were living thirteen time zones away.  I think she knew I would say yes when she asked over the phone, because when she asked she said nothing about distance or how much I would miss out on before the wedding day.

From the time she got engaged until the day of the wedding (about seven months) I saw her just one time (and that was at the airport, coming off a fifteen hour flight.)  I wasn't there for showers or the bachelorette, but my presence in a BM gown during the ceremony meant the world to both of us.  By the time I asked her to be my MOH (two years later), again it was by phone, and we were sixteen time zones away.  I didn't think twice about asking her.

 

laurenes

Like most previous posters have said, I think you should ask your friend, and it was nice of you to consider all of the angles first. If you really truly think she would feel too awkward to say "no" if she needed to, just say something VERY SHORT and simple, like "I don't know if you can steal away from Seattle for a whole weekend, but if you can I'd love to have you as a bridesmaid." That way it doesn't sound like you're fishing for her to say no, but gives her a polite opt out that doesn't involve her finances, etc. Once she accepts, don't fuss over her and voice repeated concerns over her situation. Get her dress budget from her like you would your other maids.  She's a big enough girl where she can decide whether or not she can make it out for the parties/showers, and it's by no means an obligation for her to come. I'm sure it will mean a lot to her that you asked her and she'll be happy even if she's *only* there for the wedding ceremony.