Dealing with a Real Life Monster in Law and ex wife

lmassa70

I need some real advice from people that have dealth with this issue themselves. My soon to be MIL has pretty much just excluded both myself and my Fiancee from all of their family functions because we are getting married. Instead they are inviting his ex wife!!! She has also pretty much just out right said, to not include her or his father in the wedding. We are planning a destination wedding for next year with my family and ofcourse I would love to have his family there, to support him. Apparently, this is not going to happen. He has tried speaking with them, but no improvement in their despicable behavior. The BIG PROBLEM, here is that they live in the basement of his house, where will soon be living. HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS???? I have never had to deal with this kind of behavior from a person and don't even know how to react to them??? I get more upset than my fiancee does about the entire issue? I know I should just focus on the two of us and forget them, but family is very close and I cannot believe that his family would do this? Any advice would be great. Should I try speaking with her directly???

McKenna2012

You should stay out of it and let your fiance handle it. I'm confused. His parents will be living in the basement of your house? If they don't want much to do with you, that seems odd to me. 

jcamm11

His parents can only exclude you from family get-togethers which they host.  Since they live with him, they'd have a hell of a time trying to bar you from his home, or inviting his ex-wife if he didn't want her there.  FI should talk to whoever is hosting any future get-togethers, and get invites from them for both of you.

Honestly, there's nothing you can do to stop them from behaving this way.  You cannot control what others do, only what you do.  If his family wants to disown him for divorcing his first wife and marrying you, all you can do is adjust to and enjoy life without them.  The first step to that would be evicting his parents from FI's basement.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dealing-real-life-monster-law-ex-wife?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fb129913-aefb-4da2-bf7b-bbac680e014bPost:0280eda9-9669-41e9-be6f-f4bff10d914d">Dealing with a Real Life Monster in Law and ex wife</a>:
[QUOTE]I need some real advice from people that have dealth with this issue themselves. My soon to be MIL has pretty much just excluded both myself and my Fiancee from all of their family functions because we are getting married. Instead they are inviting his ex wife!!! She has also pretty much just out right said, to not include her or his father in the wedding. We are planning a destination wedding for next year with my family and ofcourse I would love to have his family there, to support him. Apparently, this is not going to happen. He has tried speaking with them, but no improvement in their despicable behavior. The BIG PROBLEM, here is that they live in the basement of his house, where will soon be living. HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS???? I have never had to deal with this kind of behavior from a person and don't even know how to react to them??? I get more upset than my fiancee does about the entire issue? I know I should just focus on the two of us and forget them, but family is very close and I cannot believe that his family would do this? Any advice would be great. Should I try speaking with her directly???
Posted by lmassa70[/QUOTE]

This is your FI"s problem to handle.   Given the extreme reaction of his parents though, do they blame you for the marriage breaking up?

zitiqueen

Why is your FI allowing people who treat his future wife so terribly to continue living in his basement?

MairePoppy

You shouldn't be the one to speak to his mom. He is the one that should deal with them.

I honestly don't think there is much he can say to them, though, since the ex seems to matter more to them than their own son. The only leverage he really has is to tell them if they don't stop the nonsense, they will have to find another place to live (you said he owns the house, right?) If he doesn't own the house, the two of you should not move in.

You don't have to allow them to isolate you and fi from the rest of the family. Try hosting a small get together, yourselves, so he can stay in contact with other family members. And those people will probably reciprocate when they have get togethers.

RebeccaB88

Okay, help me out here... does your FI live with his parents, or do they live in a house that your FI owns? 

If it's the latter, him not telling them to move out is him showing no respect for you and your relationship, and him placing his parents feelings above yours.  That would be a HUGE dealbreaker for me. He would need to dig his balls out of storage and tell them that if they can't accept you as his wife and treat you with basic human dignity, then they will have to find somewhere else to live... and then hold them to it.  If that didn't happen, I would be gone, like yesterday.  Otherwise you will be dealing with exactly this, and worse (kids?) for the rest of your life.  

If it's the former, then he needs to move out immediately (see above lack of respect thing) and you need to find somewhere to live that puts distance between your families.   But before that I'd reconsider the reasons why an adult is still living with his parents, and if I want to be with someone like that.  (Is he a full-time student? Do they have serious medical problems and he is their main caregiver?  Is he saving for a house for you both? OK.  Is he lazy or spoiled?  Does he just not have ambition for a better job?  Is housing exraordinarily expensive there?  Not OK.)  

Muffin'sMom

There is ***danger*** written all over this.

If you are the reason he is divorced, then this is the price for that decision.

If he is living in their house...you need to move out NOW.

If they are living in his, then there has to be a come to Jesus meeting of epic proportions.

All of these are driven by him.  If he does not take up for you and fix this situation, you should run, not walk, to the nearest exit... because it will NOT get better.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dealing-real-life-monster-law-ex-wife?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:fb129913-aefb-4da2-bf7b-bbac680e014bPost:9fe44a6a-62d0-4749-bcdb-78f83858e16a">Re: Dealing with a Real Life Monster in Law and ex wife</a>:
[QUOTE]There is ***danger*** written all over this. If you are the reason he is divorced, then this is the price for that decision. If he is living in their house...you need to move out NOW. If they are living in his, then there has to be a come to Jesus meeting of epic proportions. All of these are driven by him.  If he does not take up for you and fix this situation, you should run, not walk, to the nearest exit... because it will NOT get better.
Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]
This times 1000. Muffin'sMom is wise. 

lmassa70

THank you for all the responses. Just a brief recap:

1. I am not the reason they are divorced. 

2. He owns the house and they live in his basement.

3. When he proposed a month ago, we both approached them and told them they had to respect me and my children or otherwise move out.

We are working on this BIG issue together...Say A Prayer For Me...

MairePoppy

T and P Imassa. It's crucial to resolve this issue when your children are involved. Good luck.

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dealing-real-life-monster-law-ex-wife?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fb129913-aefb-4da2-bf7b-bbac680e014bPost:f720d1b2-2efe-47fc-98ec-fe5ad0f03b72">Re: Dealing with a Real Life Monster in Law and ex wife</a>:
[QUOTE]Why is your FI allowing people who treat his future wife so terribly to continue living in his basement?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

^^^^this

oceana919

Waaaaaaaaait...do you already have children? Meaning you're bringing children into this mess? Because that paints the entire situation in a far different tone.

Your FI told them that if they fail to show you basic respect, they need to move out. Well, he needs to step up and back up that statement. Continuing to allow them to live in his home while they treat you like garbage does nothing but reinforce the idea that their behavior is acceptable and will be overlooked. Not only that, but (if you do have kids) allowing your children to see you be treated that way without hin standing up to his parents and defending you paints a very bad picture to your children. If he can't follow through, then you need to seriously rethink the entire situation. For me, that would be a big, giant

ps. How are they throwing family functions in his home while excluding him from them? Do they kick him out of his own house?

michellep1

If he approached them over a month ago about this issue and it did not immediately get better, why are they still living in his basement? 

I agree with PP's that if your children are involved you absolutely need to have FI stand up for you.  To not do so lets your children see you being treated badly which in turn predisposes them to either treat their significant others badly or allow themselves to be treated badly by their significant others (much like children witnessing physical abuse).

To answer your question about them not coming to the wedding, it doesn't seem that there is much you can do.  It is unfortunate, however it reflects badly on them and not  you and your FI.  Be grateful that your family is so great and try to focus on FI being accepted into your loving family as opposed to FIs family rejecting the both of you.  You could try speaking to your future in-laws about it, it doesn't seem like there is much to lose, and maybe they will see that you truly have their son's best interests at heart.  Good luck and please keep us updated.

KateG528

Can I say eviction notice. If his mom wants to be a monster, tell him that you prefer them not live with you. Being newly married is going to be enough without his mom who obviously hates you inviting his ex wife over to your house to hang out with her in the basement. 

This all sounds a little sketch. How long was he with the ex? Did they have a really long history? How did it all end?  Were you somehow involved?  These are reasons his mom may harber resentment towards you.  If you really want to make things right:

1) Do not call his mom a monster-in-law

2) Go talk to her and say "I get this feeling that you do not like me or the relationship I have with your son, what can I do to have a better relationship with you?"  and see where it goes. You be reasonable so that any issues in the future will be all on her.

3) If you find out why she does not like you and it is a good reason, take active steps to make it right and reach out to her.

4) Ignore the ex.

I know that moms can be a little weird but they love their sons and they have raised them from birth so they have a right to be a little weird, not mean like this lady you describe, but just try to work it out.

Davesgrl2011

How is she inviting people to your home and/or hosting family parties and not including you if you live together?  Is your fiance invited, just not you?  Sounds like a nightmare to me.  There is NO WAY I would live with my FMIL.  NOOOOO WAYYYYYY
Just sayin'