would i be over stepping my b-maid duties?

eliseariel

so i am a b-maid in a friend's wedding.  myself and one other girl are the only two b-maids (5 +1 junior b-maid) who live in the same town as the bride - the rest are all indifferent states.  the bride picked out two different dresses for us to choose and began to give some ideas for shoes too.  non of the other b-maids really seem to be chiming in on their opinions as far as the shoes go besides me.  so after talking to the bride and her feeling too that none of the b-maids (including the moh) were being responsive either, she told me to take the initiative and contact all the b-maids to come to a conclusion about the shoes (either we all agree on the same pair or we all choose our own).  my only hesitation is that i feel like i will be overstepping the moh's duties.  am i?

MairePoppy

This is neither your duty, nor the MOH's duty.The bride should pick a color and tell everyone to order shoes that are comfortable and affordable. Why complicate things?

graysquirrel

I agree with pp-- coordinating the BMs isn't your job. Why is it your responsibility to contact her friends for her and try to motivate them? That is the bride's duty, not yours. If she wants headway made on the shoes, that is her problem. 

Kniblet

[QUOTE]This is neither your duty, nor the MOH's duty.The bride should pick a color and tell everyone to order shoes that are comfortable and affordable. Why complicate things?
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]
Well said.

sprtychick10

this is not a job of a BM. This is the job of the bride. Asking people to be your BM's does not give the bride free reign to delegate jobs to other BM's. Have the bride pick out a shoe and leave it up to the other BM's to order. If they drag out the process, so be it. There are going to be other more major issues to deal with.

aerinpegadrak

Honestly, if I were a BM and another BM was trying to tell me what we were going to be wearing and doing, I'd ignore her completely.  If the bride cares about shoes, she needs to get the information out there, even if it's just specifying the color.  FWIW, I didn't even go that far with my girls, and they still managed to find something suitable.

mstroud23

I don't see anything wrong with this. I told my bms that they all had to wear the same dress in different colors or different dresses in the same color (and we're all wearing some type of boot-not the same). The thing is-brides don't have to wear this stuff-bms do. I wanted my bms to be comfortable with whatever they are wearing on my wedding day. And they are all happy. They weren't happy at first-but they are all happy now and they are pleased that they get to wear what they want.

eliseariel

thanks for the responses, but unfortunately this didn't help much.  as a bm, i feel that my job is to make things easier for the bride - if she asks, it is my duty.  maybe i have the wrong idea of a bm...

tenofcups4me

I think the bride has a hell of a lot of nerve asking you to coordinate things with her friends. If she can't get them to answer, why does she think you can? This isn't  your job and she never should have asked you to do it. And no, you don't have to do everything she asks simply because she asks. Easy answer: "Sorry, bride, I'm really not comfortable with that." Period.

squeakyduck

I would tell the bride that I would take care of it, and I would sent an email telling the other girls that the bride was busy and asked me to tell everyone to wear a pair of nice, formal, black shoes. Flats or heels, whatever they are comfortable with. 

If the bride asked later I would just say I had taken care of it and it was under control. She can relax, it will be perfect. 

On the day of the wedding, she will not notice. No one notices the bridesmaids shoes. And all the other girls will thank you for it. 

mikeynkrib2011

i think you should be fine.  how about contacting the MOH first?  and just phrase it like "hey, i got the dress choices and shoe ideas and wanted to know what you think!"

and then ask if she's heard from any other girls about their opinion, see what she thinks about contacting the other girls (whether its her or maybe the two of you). 

vllbabe688

Ditto to MairePoppy.

I didn't even pick a color...  Just asked the girls to find something that looked good and they were comfortable in.  They're the ones paying for the damn things, plus they won't be on for more than a couple hours anyways.

kristend72

Did she send these ideas as an email to all of you? If so, maybe everyone is trying to withhold their opinions to be nice.

So, I would cut her out of the email loop and say to the other bridesmaids (and the junior's mom since she's likely footing the bill), "I think maybe we're all trying to be really nice go with the flow but someone has to make the first move or we're going to be naked! I like how dress A does this and that B does have this nice thing but this drawback. For shoes, I like pair B but they're $XX and I've seen similar ones at Payless for only $10... What do you girls think? I think Jenny is trying hard to be chill but I think knowing that we're all taken care of would take some stress off of her!"

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_would-over-stepping-b-maid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:fb2888b3-1152-440a-a792-889fce3a2947Post:017a7182-0124-4b13-8a8d-51b1f61601ed">Re: would i be over stepping my b-maid duties?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the bride has a hell of a lot of nerve asking you to coordinate things with her friends. If she can't get them to answer, why does she think you can? This isn't  your job and she never should have asked you to do it. And no, you don't have to do everything she asks simply because she asks. Easy answer: "Sorry, bride, I'm really not comfortable with that." Period.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]
Ditto this.  If the bride didn't want to have to try to coordinate things with her WP, she should have opted not to have one.  It's her responsibility to get this sorted out.

S0095042

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_would-over-stepping-b-maid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fb2888b3-1152-440a-a792-889fce3a2947Post:caa6357f-7030-433c-b622-628a023a56d7">Re: would i be over stepping my b-maid duties?</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks for the responses, but unfortunately this didn't help much.  as a bm, i feel that my job is to make things easier for the bride - if she asks, it is my duty.  maybe i have the wrong idea of a bm...
Posted by eliseariel[/QUOTE]

Sounds about right to me. When you call just be sensitive to the matter (w/the other BMs), make sure they know the bride asked you to do this. If I asked one of my bridesmaids to help with this, I would expect them to do so...assuming they had agreed to it when I asked.

Best wishes

cindy91788

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_would-over-stepping-b-maid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fb2888b3-1152-440a-a792-889fce3a2947Post:f1feba05-5d9b-4e23-b688-4a22dab2ed97">Re: would i be over stepping my b-maid duties?</a>:
[QUOTE]How about suggesting that everyone wear a pair of gold or silver shoes? They don't have to match.  No bride should ask her WP to buy special shoes.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

There is no reason that a bride cannot ask her WP to wear certain shoes. I was a bridesmaid and this was done, and nobody had an issue with it. She specified what style shoes she wanted, and then we worked together to find something that everybody could afford and we all purchased the same pair.

To the OP, it is not the bridesmaid duty or MOH duty to coordinate any of this. Yes, a bridesmaid can help make things "easier" for the bride if possible, however, if she wants all the BMs to wear the same shoes, then she needs to work with them on it, not you, or the MOH, or anybody else. It is going to make you look pushy by emailing them. And it will make her look jerky if you tell them that she told you to contact all of them. Just give her your feedback and leave it at that - it is up to her to finalize the details. If she's not getting enough feedback from the other girls, then she can go ahead and make a final decision on her own, and let them know what that is. But she shouldn't be putting you in the middle of it.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_would-over-stepping-b-maid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:fb2888b3-1152-440a-a792-889fce3a2947Post:e12c9ed8-0ebd-4e90-969c-155720519246">Re: would i be over stepping my b-maid duties?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: would i be over stepping my b-maid duties? : <strong>There is no reason that a bride cannot ask her WP to wear certain shoes</strong>. I was a bridesmaid and this was done, and nobody had an issue with it. She specified what style shoes she wanted, and then we worked together to find something that everybody could afford and we all purchased the same pair. To the OP, it is not the bridesmaid duty or MOH duty to coordinate any of this. Yes, a bridesmaid can help make things "easier" for the bride if possible, however, if she wants all the BMs to wear the same shoes, then she needs to work with them on it, not you, or the MOH, or anybody else. It is going to make you look pushy by emailing them. And it will make her look jerky if you tell them that she told you to contact all of them. Just give her your feedback and leave it at that - it is up to her to finalize the details. If she's not getting enough feedback from the other girls, then she can go ahead and make a final decision on her own, and let them know what that is. But she shouldn't be putting you in the middle of it.
Posted by cindy91788[/QUOTE]
There's a very good reason, several actually: Shoes are the most essential component of a person's comfort, and not everyone can wear the same shoes.  Additionally, different people have different ideas of what is appropriate to spend.  Finally, it's a detail that literally no one will notice, so it's a great deal of effort for zero return.  For me, dictating shoes is a major red flag that a bride is taking herself and her wedding waaaaaaay too seriously.